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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Irritated that my mum and partner are going for Christmas dinner alone ..

218 replies

Helloitsmepickle2016 · 06/10/2021 16:21

Context - we have always spent Christmas together , my mum , her partner , me my husband , my 4 year old , my sister , and my mums partners kids. My mum loves the hustle and bustle of it all and thinks the world of her grandson and has always loved being with us on Christmas Day.

This year she has said she is going for a meal just her and her partner as they’ve said they need a break from it all.

Aibu to think that Christmas is about all being together and spending time with family and the ones you love ? Not to get away from family for a break?

OP posts:
littlefireseverywhere · 06/10/2021 17:22

Maybe she does just fancy a quiet Christmas. Doing something different sounds a really good idea.

JustLyra · 06/10/2021 17:28

@Helloitsmepickle2016

My post read :’they want a break’ but at the same time she feels she’s going to miss out on grandson time
So invite her another day so she can have both…
ChargingBuck · 06/10/2021 17:31

Good grief, I misread your title as "mum & MY partner are going for xmas dinner alone", for which obviously YANBU ...

But for Dog's sake, your mum just wants xmas with her man this year.
YABU to impose your version of xmas on her, just because it's what you want.

MadamMedea · 06/10/2021 17:32

Will be genuinely stunned if this isn’t a reverse despite OP’s promises, but on the off chance it’s not - yes, YABU. It’s totally reasonable for your mum to want a break now and then. It doesn’t stop you from having a nice family Christmas with the rest of your family.

SeasonFinale · 06/10/2021 17:37

If her partner has booked this have you considered whether he is made to feel like an outsider on these family occasions and that is why he would prefer to do this?

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 06/10/2021 17:38

@notacooldad

So much hype and expectations around Christmas day!!

Even this However, I struggle to see a grandmother not wanting to spend their Christmas with their grandchild
Theres usually plenty of other days over the Christmas period to catch up and spend time together.
The meal out sounds perfect to be honest.

Based on the information given though, it doesn't seem like there's an alternative day offered. Not that there should have to be, we simply aren't bothering at all with other people over Christmas.
80sMum · 06/10/2021 17:38

Oh that sounds like heaven! Good for her, deciding to take some time out. She's a lot braver than I am!

I have to admit that I do not look forward to Christmas at all and am always relieved when it's all out of the way. I find the planning and cooking quite stressful and all the noise and mayhem a bit too much at times. I long for peace and quiet!
However as always I guess I will put on my smile face and get on with it!

Newwifeatnumber10 · 06/10/2021 17:40

If you ever saw me with other people’s kids you’d think I loved them. The truth couldn’t be further, and they are family.

Hattie765 · 06/10/2021 17:41

I completely misunderstood your title and thought your mum and your partner were going out for Christmas dinner together, that would be worse.
Christmas means something different for everyone, yes it's lovely to spend time with wider family but it's also a time for couples to connect. You have your own family now and she's probably being truthful and would like to spend some quiet time with him, she's no doubt had years of big, busy family get togethers, I can see the appeal. Let her have this time and get on with your own thing.

storkstalk · 06/10/2021 17:42

I was going to say YANBU based on title as I thought your mum and your partner were going for Christmas dinner together, without you 😂 but based on the actual situation YABU.

Michellebops · 06/10/2021 17:46

After the past 2 years and everything that's happened I wouldn't complain if that's her choice.

Life's too short and if someone doesn't want to do something then they don't have to.

She'll hardly miss out on her grandson for one day unless you plan on keeping him away from her every other day.

Let her do what she wishes

waybill · 06/10/2021 17:56

It's more fun to see family on Boxing Day IMO - there's no pressure to do the 'big' meal, everyone can stuff themselves with chocolates and mince pies, play loads of games, watch rubbish telly, and chip in with helping to lay on a buffet.

augustusbloom · 06/10/2021 17:59

@Helloitsmepickle2016

Context - we have always spent Christmas together , my mum , her partner , me my husband , my 4 year old , my sister , and my mums partners kids. My mum loves the hustle and bustle of it all and thinks the world of her grandson and has always loved being with us on Christmas Day.

This year she has said she is going for a meal just her and her partner as they’ve said they need a break from it all.

Aibu to think that Christmas is about all being together and spending time with family and the ones you love ? Not to get away from family for a break?

Christmas means different things to different people and if your mother and her partner want to spend it just them two, I think you need to respect that.

Presumably you will see them at other times around the Christmas break; in that case I would let her know that you're really looking forward to seeing her but respect her decision. I don't think this is a place to guilt-trip or enforce your view of Christmas onto her (not that you would do this), and you may find that the time you DO spend with her over Christmas is all the richer for it.

As an aside, I don't spend so much time with my family but I am very close with my mum and the time I do spend with them is 'quality' not 'quantity'. On the flip side my partners' family spend A LOT of time together, but don't have that good relationships in our view (there are often petty arguments etc, and no one appears to communicate properly, whereas my parents and I can be completely open with one another and rarely fight).

Please don't confuse quantity and quality; the fact that your mother has been able to say this to you means she probably feels that you will understand/empathise - it's better than her coming along to Christmas anyway and not feeling it/feeling forced.

TheBlackArt · 06/10/2021 17:59

Good for her; she doesn't live to please others!

minipie · 06/10/2021 18:00

I read the thread title as your mum was having Christmas dinner alone with YOUR partner.

Now that would be unreasonable Grin

minipie · 06/10/2021 18:01

Ha just seen I’m not the only one who read it that way!

1forAll74 · 06/10/2021 18:01

Good for her, a bit of peace and relative quiet, will be good I think. You can have a bit of a party on another day.

TatianaBis · 06/10/2021 18:02

Lord no I'd let her have a break.

SecretWitch · 06/10/2021 18:04

@ChargingBuck

Good grief, I misread your title as "mum & MY partner are going for xmas dinner alone", for which obviously YANBU ...

But for Dog's sake, your mum just wants xmas with her man this year.
YABU to impose your version of xmas on her, just because it's what you want.

I read it the same way and was set to get all upset on behalf of Op!

However, it seems that mum wishes to have a quiet Christmas this year. I think her decision should be respected. You have your own family, Op. Enjoy your day with them. Maybe plan a nice dinner for NYE for mum.

grapewine · 06/10/2021 18:05

@PurpleDaisies

Maybe she doesn’t enjoy the hustle and bustle as much as you think she does.
That was my first thought.

Christmas can be exhausting.

Shadedog · 06/10/2021 18:05

Just host her on a different day when it’s not so busy. Lots of people find Christmas Day too much, yet at the same time a bit dull.

Clarice99 · 06/10/2021 18:06

YABU. Everyone has a right to choose how they spend Christmas, your mum included.

She's given you plenty of notice to make your own arrangements.

You sound entitled OP.

LowlandLucky · 06/10/2021 18:10

Why don't you offer to have your Mum over, then she doesn't have to do all the shopping planning and prep, she can sit on the sofa with a glass of wine and watch the telly whilst everyone else does all the jobs she usually does. Maybe then you will understand why she wants a break

NovemberWitch · 06/10/2021 18:10

It’s why we use the entire season for get-together. In all, my extended family and adult children make a total of 26. Yet Christmas Eve/Day we spend in our own homes.
If my adult children tried to make me comply with what they wanted, rather than me having a life of my own, I’d be bewildered and cross.
I’ve never tried to restrict them, or use emotional manipulation, so why’d they try it on me?
Her partner is possibly trying to develop their relationship without the strangulation of familial expectations mapping out their lives for the next 20 years or more.

notacooldad · 06/10/2021 18:13

I honestly think the way things went last Christmas broke habits/ routines/ ruts of previous Christmases and I've noticed a lot of people in my friendship and acquaintance group reassessing how they want to fo things in future.

I dont get this " missing out on the grandchildren'' Most people are off work for st least a few days over the holiday season to catch up.
As much as I loved my grandparents it was nice being just our immediate family at Christmas. We couldn't relax properly because " nan and grandad were here" and there was an element of being on your best behaviour.
Once we switched to boxing day things relaxed somehow. It was like the main event was over with and everyone relaxed differently.
Our new traditions are starting this year but I'm not sure how things are going to work out yet!

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