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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I shouted at MIL for leaving my baby to cry himself to sleep and now she is suicidal ?

434 replies

Anon199000000 · 06/10/2021 16:03

My son is 4 months old and he stayed the night at my MILs. This has been planned for weeks, prior to my son staying me and partner kept thanking MIL for offering to take our son for the night as he’s so young. MIL insisted we didn’t even need to thank her, she couldn’t wait to look after him for the night.

Now..bit of background, me and my partner have totally different views on parenting than my in laws. They often give unsolicited advice and brush off what we have to say as they say they have had two kids and know what they are doing. They have a bit of an old school approach I believe..they have often said they left my partner to cry as he had a temper as a baby and their own parents told them they needed to leave him to cry to “break him” (their own words) and show him who’s boss type thing..

Now..I never leave my son to cry. I’m really against it and so is my sons dad, which my in laws know. I was hesitant to leave my son with them because of this but my partner assured me his parents only
Did that to him as a baby and wouldn’t do that to our son.

Now Cut to Saturday night we decide to phone in laws to find out how they getting on at around 9 o clock. MIL answers and says “ he has some cry doesn’t he !!! Oh he reminds me just of you when you were a baby ! I thought that cry is just sheer temper ! So I put him in his cot and left him and checked in on him every 10 minutes and now he’s sleeping.” Me and my partner just stared at each other for a few seconds after she said this and he said “aw mum..please don’t leave him to cry” and she said “aw he’s fine ! He’s sleeping now” and I instantly burst in to tears..

I’m not being dramatic but I genuinely felt heartbroken that my little boy had been left there crying in his own..I know how upset he gets just being left crying for a few minutes while I’m at the toilet or I’m getting a bottle or
Something !

My partner wasn’t happy she had left him and decided to text his mum and ask her again please not to leave our son to cry and I was so upset. I started to feel really angry and He asked me to ohone his mum and I said no Because I will shout at her on the phone so I’m not going to speak to her the now. She then starts to phone my partner and he answers and blooming puts her on loudspeaker ! I couldn’t help myself and I shouted “don’t you dare ever leave my son to cry again !! How dare you !!” And my partner hung up the phone.

My partner then started to get messages from her and his dad saying how upset his mum was and she was in tears! He is a proper mummies boy and this immediately made him turn on me. He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me and he can’t believe I’ve upset her and his mum is in tears etc and even that he doesn’t want to be with me he is totally finished with me ! His mum keeps messaging him that she is soo upset, in tears and then changes her tune completely and says that in fact she never left our baby to cry at all and she would never ! That he got lots of kisses and cuddles and lovely warm milk and yes he was crying but she sat with
Him the whole time stroking his head...so now my partner is even more angry at me because he has suddenly forgot what his mum said in the first place? Like what she said was pretty black and white to me..she definitely admitted to leaving him to cry ..my partner even said the same at the time and wasn’t happy either so what ?!

I’ve never argued with my in laws once and always gotten on well with them. They’ve treated me like a daughter and said numerous times I was the best thing to happen to their son and have now completely turned on me because of this I feel and I just find the whole thing crazy. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m shy and never stood up to them before so now they’re not happy..

The next day in laws were meant to drop my son off at our house but wouldn’t as his mum was still in tears apparently and his dad waited for me to go out before bringing my son home .. I tried phoning MIL twice and she never answered. I the. Messaged her apologising for shouting and thanking her for doing us a favour and she never replied..that night partner kicks off at me again. Apparently his mum had messaged him saying she is still crying and upset by everything and the next day she says she doesn’t feel she has anything to live for.. he’s telling me I need to phone her and I try explaining that I already have and she hasn’t
Answered or tried phoning back and he just gets angrier and angrier with me and says I need to keep trying.. and need to keep apologising to her.

I’m just really taken aback by the whole thing..it’s been days and my partner is still off with me and if I’m honest I can actually see this being the end of us ..I mean for godsake he thinks that ive made his mother suicidal. yes I shouldn’t have shouted at her and she was doing us a big favour but she shouldn’t have done that still and why is no one telling her she’s overreacting ! I’m just so shocked by this whole situation...please tell my I’m not being unreasonable

OP posts:
Teacupsandtoast · 06/10/2021 16:08

You have a mil issue....and a partner issue. Your baby and you need to come before his mothers feelings. You will never win here OP if he thinks his mum is priority

MythicalBiologicalFennel · 06/10/2021 16:10

Bloody hell.

Your MIL is overreacting, unreasonable and sounds unreliable. I am sorry but your DH is, too. I am sure someone will come along with better advice but FGS do not apologise again.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/10/2021 16:12

OK. So now you know your ILs don't respect you and your DP hasn't yet made the change from them as his primary family unit and you and his child!

Take a deep breath and step away for a bit.

Maybe write it all down, take all the emotion out of it, just the events as they unfolded. DO NOT send it to anyone.

Tomorrow, maybe, When you and DP are much calmer. Tell him you both need to discuss what happened and work out how you are going to avoid all the emotional shouting and blaming in future.

Tell him plainly that any apology MIL was going to get has gone, her choice not to answer her phone to you. You will not allow this to run on and on and on.

You will draw a line under it but everyone else has to do the same. No more dragging it up, blaming etc.

And in future just don't let them have your DC alone. Not until they are a little older anyway!

Basically, your DP is still very much in a child : adult relationship with his parents and you and he need to work out how to be the adults in your relationship. It's not unusual and everyone has to work their way through it at some point.

Good luck.

Comedycook · 06/10/2021 16:12

The next day in laws were meant to drop my son off at our house but wouldn’t as his mum was still in tears

This is outrageous

Briony123 · 06/10/2021 16:12

Bit of a mad story!
MIL doesn't take criticism too well, does she?
I'd just ignore it and let it blow over. Nothing else you can do.
The baby will be fine.

GinIronic · 06/10/2021 16:13

She’s not suicidal- she’s being manipulative. Don’t ask her to care for or babysit your child ever again. You also need to take a long hard at your partner. He sounds weak and unsupportive. A most unattractive trait. No more apologies. It’s not you - it’s them.

Kindertonguehappierlife · 06/10/2021 16:13

Yanbu, I’d be upset too
but I probably wouldn’t have yelled down the phone like that over one bad night.

Youseethethingis · 06/10/2021 16:14

Fuck that for a carry on. Apart from the problem of leaving the baby to cry, they are all now telling lies and your partner has jumped ship of he's more bothered about his mother being upset than you being upset. I'm not sure I'd trust a word any of them said again.

Member984815 · 06/10/2021 16:14

If my partner treated me like that , I don't think I could respect him ever again

Pollywants · 06/10/2021 16:15

So it's okay for your wee baby to cry it out but MIL crying deserves special treatment? Maybe she should be left to cry it out!!

ImNotDancing · 06/10/2021 16:15

She’s overreacting, so is he and I hate to say it but so are you

Wimblingwombling · 06/10/2021 16:15

In reality you won’t be able to leave your baby with them again. Your partners comments about his mum coming first are totally bizarre. This is the major issue. The rest will blow over

nellyburt · 06/10/2021 16:16

If you hadn’t shouted you could have kept the moral high ground. As it is they’ve turned it around onto you. Your dh has shown you where his loyalty lies but I will say that having a baby is tough on any partnership and 14 years on dh and I are much stronger so no need to make any rash decisions

LividLackey · 06/10/2021 16:16

Either send him back to live with his mum or take the baby to your parents (if you can). If he is prioritising his mum over you (the mother of his child) and the baby, you don't have a relationship.

It sounds like everyone over reacted at the time but his reaction to his mothers behaviour tells you everything you need to know about his priorities. IMHO he either puts his family first (i.e. either you and your son) or he fucks off.

WildBluebell · 06/10/2021 16:16

Maybe the MIL should cry herself to sleep like the baby did. If the baby is supposed to be fine, so will be she. Might help with her temper.

I would have gone there and collected my son immediately, though. And never let them have him again.

2mutsandsomebabies · 06/10/2021 16:17

These people are not on your team. Can you take the baby and go stay with your own family? Or ask your partner to go stay with MIL until he has resolved what he actually thinks has gone on? They are nuts, and have clearly re written the story to suit them!

ComDummings · 06/10/2021 16:17

Your MIL is a dickhead and so is your DH. He probably needs therapy as he can’t see her behaviour for what it is.

Igneo · 06/10/2021 16:17

If you know your approaches to parenting are so polar, i’m failing to understand why you left him with mil overnight at such a young age frankly.

trama · 06/10/2021 16:18

Both you and your MIL are overreacting I think. Her more than you.

SuperstarDog · 06/10/2021 16:19

She’s not suicidal- she’s being manipulative. Don’t ask her to care for or babysit your child ever again. You also need to take a long hard at your partner. He sounds weak and unsupportive. A most unattractive trait. No more apologies. It’s not you - it’s them.

This.

KittenKong · 06/10/2021 16:20

You are the baby’s mum. Mil had her go at parenting - she is grandma and not mum.

Your partner needs to know that he should put you before his mum (should push come to shove) as he has chosen to make a life with you and you share a child.

She is playing the victim here and manipulating your and her own husband.

I understand that you were upset / but she didn’t leave the baby on the bus or outside the pub. Just don’t allow her to look after him again. If she can’t follow your rules, then she isn’t trustworthy.

Any you really need to speak to your husband. His reaction is odd.

lifecoachingandotherbollocks · 06/10/2021 16:20

You don’t just have a mil problem, Im afraid. I don’t blame you for shouting at all. Your mil is a liar and your h well hes a piece if work.

I would law the law down to him, he needs to decide which side his bread is buttered on.

Why didnt you collect your baby immediately?

girlmom21 · 06/10/2021 16:21

I'm sorry but you didn't trust them and chose to leave a 4 month old baby with them anyway. Then, when they didn't respect your wishes, you were aggressive down the phone but didn't actually go and collect your child, so you were angry enough to shout at a grown adult but didn't feel like it was bad enough for you to collect your child from her care?

No, they shouldn't have left the baby to cry if that was explicitly against your wishes, but you shouldn't have left the baby with them once they'd proven themselves unreliable.

I can't believe you let them keep the child overnight, and I especially can't believe you didn't insist on the child being home first thing in the morning.

AhNowTed · 06/10/2021 16:21

@ImNotDancing

She’s overreacting, so is he and I hate to say it but so are you

Agreed. Sorry OP but there was really no need to create all this drama.

I would have said nothing, but not left my baby with them again.

Stormsy · 06/10/2021 16:22

@WildBluebell

Maybe the MIL should cry herself to sleep like the baby did. If the baby is supposed to be fine, so will be she. Might help with her temper.

I would have gone there and collected my son immediately, though. And never let them have him again.

This!
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