I shouted at MIL for leaving my baby to cry himself to sleep and now she is suicidal ?

[Anon199000000]

My son is 4 months old and he stayed the night at my MILs. This has been planned for weeks, prior to my son staying me and partner kept thanking MIL for offering to take our son for the night as he’s so young. MIL insisted we didn’t even need to thank her, she couldn’t wait to look after him for the night.

Now..bit of background, me and my partner have totally different views on parenting than my in laws. They often give unsolicited advice and brush off what we have to say as they say they have had two kids and know what they are doing. They have a bit of an old school approach I believe..they have often said they left my partner to cry as he had a temper as a baby and their own parents told them they needed to leave him to cry to “break him” (their own words) and show him who’s boss type thing..

Now..I never leave my son to cry. I’m really against it and so is my sons dad, which my in laws know. I was hesitant to leave my son with them because of this but my partner assured me his parents only
Did that to him as a baby and wouldn’t do that to our son.

Now Cut to Saturday night we decide to phone in laws to find out how they getting on at around 9 o clock. MIL answers and says “ he has some cry doesn’t he !!! Oh he reminds me just of you when you were a baby ! I thought that cry is just sheer temper ! So I put him in his cot and left him and checked in on him every 10 minutes and now he’s sleeping.” Me and my partner just stared at each other for a few seconds after she said this and he said “aw mum..please don’t leave him to cry” and she said “aw he’s fine ! He’s sleeping now” and I instantly burst in to tears..

I’m not being dramatic but I genuinely felt heartbroken that my little boy had been left there crying in his own..I know how upset he gets just being left crying for a few minutes while I’m at the toilet or I’m getting a bottle or
Something !

My partner wasn’t happy she had left him and decided to text his mum and ask her again please not to leave our son to cry and I was so upset. I started to feel really angry and He asked me to ohone his mum and I said no Because I will shout at her on the phone so I’m not going to speak to her the now. She then starts to phone my partner and he answers and blooming puts her on loudspeaker ! I couldn’t help myself and I shouted “don’t you dare ever leave my son to cry again !! How dare you !!” And my partner hung up the phone.

My partner then started to get messages from her and his dad saying how upset his mum was and she was in tears! He is a proper mummies boy and this immediately made him turn on me. He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me and he can’t believe I’ve upset her and his mum is in tears etc and even that he doesn’t want to be with me he is totally finished with me ! His mum keeps messaging him that she is soo upset, in tears and then changes her tune completely and says that in fact she never left our baby to cry at all and she would never ! That he got lots of kisses and cuddles and lovely warm milk and yes he was crying but she sat with
Him the whole time stroking his head...so now my partner is even more angry at me because he has suddenly forgot what his mum said in the first place? Like what she said was pretty black and white to me..she definitely admitted to leaving him to cry ..my partner even said the same at the time and wasn’t happy either so what ?!

I’ve never argued with my in laws once and always gotten on well with them. They’ve treated me like a daughter and said numerous times I was the best thing to happen to their son and have now completely turned on me because of this I feel and I just find the whole thing crazy. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m shy and never stood up to them before so now they’re not happy..

The next day in laws were meant to drop my son off at our house but wouldn’t as his mum was still in tears apparently and his dad waited for me to go out before bringing my son home .. I tried phoning MIL twice and she never answered. I the. Messaged her apologising for shouting and thanking her for doing us a favour and she never replied..that night partner kicks off at me again. Apparently his mum had messaged him saying she is still crying and upset by everything and the next day she says she doesn’t feel she has anything to live for.. he’s telling me I need to phone her and I try explaining that I already have and she hasn’t
Answered or tried phoning back and he just gets angrier and angrier with me and says I need to keep trying.. and need to keep apologising to her.

I’m just really taken aback by the whole thing..it’s been days and my partner is still off with me and if I’m honest I can actually see this being the end of us ..I mean for godsake he thinks that ive made his mother suicidal. yes I shouldn’t have shouted at her and she was doing us a big favour but she shouldn’t have done that still and why is no one telling her she’s overreacting ! I’m just so shocked by this whole situation...please tell my I’m not being unreasonable

MIL sounds like a narcissist, and your DP an enabler

He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me and he can’t believe I’ve upset her and his mum is in tears etc and even that he doesn’t want to be with me he is totally finished with me

This is your biggest problem. MIL issues can be dealt with but your DH sounds awful.

I agree with pp - tell Dh to let his mother cry it out like she did with the baby. See what he makes of that. She's a grown woman acting like a baby in order to manipulate you. Don't give in. You have apologised so there is no need to do so again. While you shouldn't have shouted at her, she is being totally unreasonable.

JFC. Your MIL is in tears? Surely she can be treated the same way she treated your baby, just leave her to cry it out. She feels suicidal? How does she think your baby felt being left alone?

I’m horrified, but I’m also a bit shocked you didn’t go straight round there and pick him up. I couldn’t have slept after hearing that. And I’d have called the police if they’d refused to bring him back.

I can understand why you’d want to dump your partner, but remember, he’ll get custody sometimes and then there’s nothing stopping him leaving your baby with your MIL.

@Pollywants haha good point about the double standard re the crying

Suicidal? Nah, MIL is just trying to emotionally blackmail you

I do think you lost the high ground when you shouted down the phone at her tbh.

You shouted so they turned it around on you. If you had kept calm there would have been no way for them to take the moral high ground. By yelling at her not only have you questioned her care as a GM you also questioned it as a Mum. Plenty of Mums do the CIO method for bottlefed babies and for a variety of reasons. Not all of them are abusive.

Honestly the best thing to do now you have lost the moral highground is to go over there with a bunch of flowers, apologise in person for shouting, but do tell her you don’t want him to cio and if she feels he is crying too much in the future to just call you and you’ll come and get him.

Then don’t use her or fil for childcare again.

Can you take your baby and go stay with your own side of the family for a week? And completely ignore DH and the in-laws. This kind of stress is not good for you or the baby. Never ceases to shock me how some in-iaws make things all about them. So disrespectful and your DH is a tw@t!

I would leave her to it, she may calm down in a week or 2.

I can completely understand that you are upset. He’s your pfb. You want to protect him. However, you are now in a wife vs mil showdown. Who has more hold over DH. MIL is pulling rank- you cried? She’s suicidal.

And it worked- DH has gone running to mummy and you are the bad guy.

So, she’s a manipulator. Play her at her own game. I would do an over dramatic apology (remember they are just words) that you cannot believe you have hurt her and you are so upset because she means so much to you and it’s only because you love DS sooooo much etc etc. The words you have said between apologising are that you don’t believe her. She won’t know that though. Then, keep a distance, pick your fights and don’t let ds stay there again. All done with over dramatic explanations that will pander to her sense of self importance. They say the best form of defence is attack. This is what she is doing.

Basically if you ask DH to choose between you and her at this time he will choose her. You have a small baby and you need him onside. You may have lost this battle but you can win the war.

She’s really laying it on thick isn’t she? Doesn’t want to fall off the pedestal DH has put her on, so she’s turned him on you instead. Nice.

I think you need to calm right down and take the moral high ground here. Be the grown up one. You’ve sent a message apologising and tried to call, what else can you do? If MIL feels upset that’s very sad but let’s not forget she did leave DS to cry. Suggest to DH maybe she’s feeling guilty about that and that’s why she’s so upset. And then just stop talking about the whole issue and get on with life.

If DH continues to take her side over yours and criticise you, I would be very worried about the future of your relationship tbh.

You were really silly to leave your baby with her and expect her not to deal with him in the same way you knew she dealt with her own kids. But honestly there would be no coming back from my partner treating me with contempt and openly telling me his mum came before me. Uh uh. Relationship over. Let him run back to mummy, you should have more self respect than to play second fiddle to his mother. And the fact that he would rather his baby be badly treated than his mother be upset - yuck yuck yuck. Weak and pathetic men like that are the ultimate turn off. If you stay with him you can only expect more of this crap from him and his mummy.

@herculesoffline

I do think you lost the high ground when you shouted down the phone at her tbh.

Bollocks!

Why is everyone so hung up on the high ground? It just means you get to shut the fuck up and never get heard!

The real high ground is not gossiping, not being an unpleasant, difficult, selfish person, living a good life.

Not being the perennial doormat!

I remember going to a restaurant with friends, left a tiny DS2 with his dad, I got home to find the bright light on, also DS2 hadn't taken a bottle so probably couldn't sleep because he was hungry. When I'd rung up, why hadn't he told me? I'd have come home and bfed him.

You have both a DH problem and a PIL problem.
You need to speak to your DH before you can tackle any issues with his parents, he needs to be on your side or you need to not be together.

You all sound like a nightmare tbh, and should all calm down a bit.

Yanbu
Id have half a mind to tell DH that he obviously still has some kind of need hang off his mums aprons strings, perhaps that comes from being left to cry it out...

Seriously though, you have tried to call MiL and she hasn't answered, so if she wants an apology then she needs to pick up the phone.
You have a baby to look after OP (as well as yourself) THAT is the child you need to be focused on most, not the childish actions of grown adults.
Perhaps tell DH that he's more than welcome to phone his mum and ask if she'd speak to you, but that's the final time you're trying. This is the last time it'll be spoken of too, as you all need to move on.

Then never leave this woman alone with your baby again.

I’m a bit astounded that lots of posters are advising on how to save her relationship with a bloke who has OPENLY TOLD HER SHE WILL ALWAYS COME SECOND TO HIS MOTHER?! Wtf? Would people actually consider staying with a man after he said that?! The situation with the MiL is not the issue here.

It was pretty likely that they would leave your baby to cry if that's what they did with their son, particularly if they have been critical of your parenting. I think I would have waited until the baby was sleeping through befoire I let the inlaws look after him

Your MIL is obviously overreacting but your dh needs to decide whether to support you or his mother. Hint: it should be you

You should just all calm the fuck down frankly

@WhatATimeToBeAlive

You all sound like a nightmare tbh, and should all calm down a bit.

Don’t be ridiculous

The OPs husband has had his first wake up call to what his mum is like. Maybe he can grow from this and be the partner the OP needs but there needs to be some frank talks and probably therapy. The mil is going to have opinions for years so this needs sorting ASAP. Sorry op it sounds horrible for you.

I think she should know how upset you were and I'm glad you shouted! You have maternal protective instincts. 4 months is very young to leave a baby overnight with someone else, perhaps that was a bit early to do that?
She was disrespectful to your wishes. Now being even more so by being so manipulative. Your husband is ball less but with a emotionally abusive mother like that guess that's to be expected.
Rise above it. Text the mum to say your should not have shouted and hope she feeling better and that is that. If she doesn't respond then she is beyond childish. Ignore them all and enjoy your baby.
Obviously don't leave your child with them again.

Personally, I would not have sent my 4 month old baby to stay the night with anyone.

In your circumstances, I would have calmly driven over and picked my baby up immediately, and explained that I was not happy with him being left to cry.

You lost the moral high ground when you shouted down the phone.

Essentially, your MIL is nasty and manipulative. It will probably all blow over, but annoyingly you’ll have to apologise as you have been wrong to shout at her.

The comments your partner made about his mummy always coming first etc etc would be the thing that rang alarm bells for me. That’s your issue really

YWBU to shout at her. Feeling heartbroken because he cried is being dramatic might not leave you much space to go when something more serious happens you can't control.

That said, the MIL was in the wrong and if being left alone and crying out is good enough for a child then why not an adult?

Your DP is clearly in the wrong to say his DM will always come before you. It would be interesting to hear where his DC is in this hierarchy.

I'd say clearly you weren't apologising. If not, you face an unpleasant life with your DP, I suspect.

Good luck.