I shouted at MIL for leaving my baby to cry himself to sleep and now she is suicidal ?

[Anon199000000]

My son is 4 months old and he stayed the night at my MILs. This has been planned for weeks, prior to my son staying me and partner kept thanking MIL for offering to take our son for the night as he’s so young. MIL insisted we didn’t even need to thank her, she couldn’t wait to look after him for the night.

Now..bit of background, me and my partner have totally different views on parenting than my in laws. They often give unsolicited advice and brush off what we have to say as they say they have had two kids and know what they are doing. They have a bit of an old school approach I believe..they have often said they left my partner to cry as he had a temper as a baby and their own parents told them they needed to leave him to cry to “break him” (their own words) and show him who’s boss type thing..

Now..I never leave my son to cry. I’m really against it and so is my sons dad, which my in laws know. I was hesitant to leave my son with them because of this but my partner assured me his parents only
Did that to him as a baby and wouldn’t do that to our son.

Now Cut to Saturday night we decide to phone in laws to find out how they getting on at around 9 o clock. MIL answers and says “ he has some cry doesn’t he !!! Oh he reminds me just of you when you were a baby ! I thought that cry is just sheer temper ! So I put him in his cot and left him and checked in on him every 10 minutes and now he’s sleeping.” Me and my partner just stared at each other for a few seconds after she said this and he said “aw mum..please don’t leave him to cry” and she said “aw he’s fine ! He’s sleeping now” and I instantly burst in to tears..

I’m not being dramatic but I genuinely felt heartbroken that my little boy had been left there crying in his own..I know how upset he gets just being left crying for a few minutes while I’m at the toilet or I’m getting a bottle or
Something !

My partner wasn’t happy she had left him and decided to text his mum and ask her again please not to leave our son to cry and I was so upset. I started to feel really angry and He asked me to ohone his mum and I said no Because I will shout at her on the phone so I’m not going to speak to her the now. She then starts to phone my partner and he answers and blooming puts her on loudspeaker ! I couldn’t help myself and I shouted “don’t you dare ever leave my son to cry again !! How dare you !!” And my partner hung up the phone.

My partner then started to get messages from her and his dad saying how upset his mum was and she was in tears! He is a proper mummies boy and this immediately made him turn on me. He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me and he can’t believe I’ve upset her and his mum is in tears etc and even that he doesn’t want to be with me he is totally finished with me ! His mum keeps messaging him that she is soo upset, in tears and then changes her tune completely and says that in fact she never left our baby to cry at all and she would never ! That he got lots of kisses and cuddles and lovely warm milk and yes he was crying but she sat with
Him the whole time stroking his head...so now my partner is even more angry at me because he has suddenly forgot what his mum said in the first place? Like what she said was pretty black and white to me..she definitely admitted to leaving him to cry ..my partner even said the same at the time and wasn’t happy either so what ?!

I’ve never argued with my in laws once and always gotten on well with them. They’ve treated me like a daughter and said numerous times I was the best thing to happen to their son and have now completely turned on me because of this I feel and I just find the whole thing crazy. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m shy and never stood up to them before so now they’re not happy..

The next day in laws were meant to drop my son off at our house but wouldn’t as his mum was still in tears apparently and his dad waited for me to go out before bringing my son home .. I tried phoning MIL twice and she never answered. I the. Messaged her apologising for shouting and thanking her for doing us a favour and she never replied..that night partner kicks off at me again. Apparently his mum had messaged him saying she is still crying and upset by everything and the next day she says she doesn’t feel she has anything to live for.. he’s telling me I need to phone her and I try explaining that I already have and she hasn’t
Answered or tried phoning back and he just gets angrier and angrier with me and says I need to keep trying.. and need to keep apologising to her.

I’m just really taken aback by the whole thing..it’s been days and my partner is still off with me and if I’m honest I can actually see this being the end of us ..I mean for godsake he thinks that ive made his mother suicidal. yes I shouldn’t have shouted at her and she was doing us a big favour but she shouldn’t have done that still and why is no one telling her she’s overreacting ! I’m just so shocked by this whole situation...please tell my I’m not being unreasonable

You've started three threads on MN - your partner doesn't come across as decent at all - focus on leaving him and you can avoid MIL issues too

I wouldn't apologise but I also wouldn't have left my baby there after that phone call. I'd have been straight around to get my child. By leaving him there you kind of accepted her treatment of your dc.

@ImNotDancing

She’s overreacting, so is he and I hate to say it but so are you

I agree with this. Fucking hell, just tone it down.

Honestly, what your DH said is unforgivable - even in the heat of an argument he said some really awful things to you. I'd be packing his bag and telling him his mother gets to have another go at rearing him to adulthood because he's clearly not there yet.

And I love the suggestion that you are just letting MIL cry it out and once she gets over her little temper.

But I don't do pandering to adults. But particularly if they are being dramatic and manipulative and cruel.
And I don't think I'd let her look after the baby ever again.

When your partner suggests phoning MIL, I LOVE the idea of suggesting to him that she “cries it out” until she’s asleep.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

I’m a bit astounded that lots of posters are advising on how to save her relationship with a bloke who has OPENLY TOLD HER SHE WILL ALWAYS COME SECOND TO HIS MOTHER?! Wtf? Would people actually consider staying with a man after he said that?! The situation with the MiL is not the issue here.

Mainly because this is one instance. And he may be able to grow up quickly enough for OP to consider not dumping him.

He IS the main issue. But OP deserves her chance to talk to him and set it out in black and white.

His response to that will enable her to work out what she wants to do without the nagging doubt that she was in some way to blame here.

I'm not suggesting it for his benefit!

I think part of in law issues is that however much they say your like a daughter, at the end of the day your very rarely given that kind of grace that a genetic daughter would be. So there isnt ever really the opportunity to shout and be forgiven. I think it needs to be more sanitised than that.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Your dh above all has let you down. You was both upset. He should have owned that. If he thought your shouting was wrong that's a separate issue. Like "I know you was upset but that wasnt the best reaction" kind of thing. Not back track and gang up on you. Kids are hard. You need to work together on the bigger picture even if the details arent always agreed on. He has just closed you down

The whole lot of you are overreacting.

Why did your dh keep ringing her when you'd already told him you were too upset to talk to her, what a bloody twat

So it's ok leaving a baby to cry but mil needs pandering to? I'd tell all of them to fuck off

It sounds like you are both being unreasonable and hard to tell who is being more unreasonable with just one side of the story.

As soon as they said they have left him to cry I would have gone and got my child. For that and then not returning tryout child I would never be leaving him alone with them again. They can’t be trusted.

Never mind you apologising to MIL, your DH need to apologise to you for the nasty things he said.

If he doesn’t show some serious remorse over that, you should be telling he’s welcome to run back to his mummy, and she can shove her apology up her arse.

She's not suicidal, she's trying to manipulate the situation so YOU are the bad guy and it's worked a treat. You probably shouldn't have shouted, purely because it's played right into her hands more than anything else but we all have our moments, you raising your voice in temper is not the same thing as what she's trying to pull now.

She doesn't get anymore overnight visits, that ship has sailed. A four month old does not have a 'temper' they are trying to express a need. She let him down.

I'd also send your partner packing if he can't put his partner and child's welfare above the histrionics of his mother.

The only person acting their age here, out of all parties concerned, is the baby.

You all need to get a family multi-pack of grips.

@Funnylittlefloozie

The only person acting their age here, out of all parties concerned, is the baby.

You all need to get a family multi-pack of grips.

I agree. Your baby is able to clearly state his needs without any of the drama of the rest of you. Spend some time learning about being his Mum and spend less time acting like you are on a soap opera. Your relationship with him is vital right now. Focus on that. He bloody needs you to survive.

OP didn't overreact. She's a new mother, filled with all the hormones that demand she protect her baby.

And for those of you implying she's a bad mother because she left her baby overnight with MIL, it's natural she would think a grandparent could be trusted look after the baby overnight. It would be more odd if she didn't think she could trust them (which is the situation she found out).

I think you are both over reacting. You will have plenty of dramas in your life and honestly this isnt one of them. Is this your first?

@Pollywants

So it's okay for your wee baby to cry it out but MIL crying deserves special treatment? Maybe she should be left to cry it out!!

This

This is one of those 6 of one half a dozen of the other situations.

Undoubtedly MIL has over reacted but then again so has the OP. I don't see there was any need for the OP to be shouting and crying over 1 night where her baby was left to cry. I never left my children to cry BUT I was sensible enough to realise that when they were in the care of other people I wouldn't be able to control things like this. so you either make arrangements which don't include leaving baby overnight, or you do so in the knowledge that your views are not going to be followed to the letter.

Although the MIL has reacted disproportionately badly perhaps she has read a few threads on MN where DILs go NC with their MILs over a single incident, and is upset that because she mentioned it she's now possibly going to see less of son and grandchild. Whereas of course if she'd kept schtum you'd be none the wiser OP.

@Pollywants

OP didn't overreact. She's a new mother, filled with all the hormones that demand she protect her baby. And for those of you implying she's a bad mother because she left her baby overnight with MIL, it's natural she would think a grandparent could be trusted look after the baby overnight. It would be more odd if she didn't think she could trust them (which is the situation she found out).

She didn't protect her baby though. If she genuinely believes her MIL's behaviour was that bad, she'd have immediately collected the baby at 9pm.

She wouldn't have screamed down the phone then left the baby there until FIL fancied bringing him home the next day.

I really feel for you OP, this is awful.

First of all - you can't make someone become suicidal, if she's there it's got to be about more than just that and I suspect she's using that to further manipulate her son.

You and your partner are the only people who get to decide how your child is cared for. She deliberately went against that, likely knowing you'd be unhappy with it. This is not your fault and your partner is being shitty in suggesting it is.

I've a similar sort of MIL and we're now at the point where my DH takes the wee one up to see her once a week - she doesn't get to set foot in my home and she will never be allowed to care for our child alone. It took serious discussion with my DH and if he'd decided his mum was justified, we'd have split.

If you can, stand your ground - your child, your rules, or they don't see your child.

My goodness, your all being over dramatic. I wouldn't have left my 4 month old baby overnight let alone after that phone call so your own wants and needs came first. I also wouldn't have shouted at the in laws, you all need to grow up and learn to communicate.

I would have picked him up then and there, and they wouldn't be having him unsupervised again.
YANBU, I agree you should leave MIL to cry it out!

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

I’m a bit astounded that lots of posters are advising on how to save her relationship with a bloke who has OPENLY TOLD HER SHE WILL ALWAYS COME SECOND TO HIS MOTHER?! Wtf? Would people actually consider staying with a man after he said that?! The situation with the MiL is not the issue here.

^^ THIS.

You are being taken advantage of by them all. Is your partner very young? His attitude is ridiculous as he has his own family (yours) to look after now.

As someone who tends to be amicable towards what others want I agree that people take it a lot worse if I say no or stand up for myself.

You are not the bad guy here. It’s really sad that the first time your young baby was without you for the night he was left alone and scared (and accused of having a temper wtf was that?)

I would follow the advice of what others have already suggested and take your baby to stay with your parents until you can work out what is going on with your relationship.

Definitely don’t leave the kid alone with them again as if they think that a baby is crying out of some kind of malice towards them it could turn abusive.