I shouted at MIL for leaving my baby to cry himself to sleep and now she is suicidal ?

[Anon199000000]

My son is 4 months old and he stayed the night at my MILs. This has been planned for weeks, prior to my son staying me and partner kept thanking MIL for offering to take our son for the night as he’s so young. MIL insisted we didn’t even need to thank her, she couldn’t wait to look after him for the night.

Now..bit of background, me and my partner have totally different views on parenting than my in laws. They often give unsolicited advice and brush off what we have to say as they say they have had two kids and know what they are doing. They have a bit of an old school approach I believe..they have often said they left my partner to cry as he had a temper as a baby and their own parents told them they needed to leave him to cry to “break him” (their own words) and show him who’s boss type thing..

Now..I never leave my son to cry. I’m really against it and so is my sons dad, which my in laws know. I was hesitant to leave my son with them because of this but my partner assured me his parents only
Did that to him as a baby and wouldn’t do that to our son.

Now Cut to Saturday night we decide to phone in laws to find out how they getting on at around 9 o clock. MIL answers and says “ he has some cry doesn’t he !!! Oh he reminds me just of you when you were a baby ! I thought that cry is just sheer temper ! So I put him in his cot and left him and checked in on him every 10 minutes and now he’s sleeping.” Me and my partner just stared at each other for a few seconds after she said this and he said “aw mum..please don’t leave him to cry” and she said “aw he’s fine ! He’s sleeping now” and I instantly burst in to tears..

I’m not being dramatic but I genuinely felt heartbroken that my little boy had been left there crying in his own..I know how upset he gets just being left crying for a few minutes while I’m at the toilet or I’m getting a bottle or
Something !

My partner wasn’t happy she had left him and decided to text his mum and ask her again please not to leave our son to cry and I was so upset. I started to feel really angry and He asked me to ohone his mum and I said no Because I will shout at her on the phone so I’m not going to speak to her the now. She then starts to phone my partner and he answers and blooming puts her on loudspeaker ! I couldn’t help myself and I shouted “don’t you dare ever leave my son to cry again !! How dare you !!” And my partner hung up the phone.

My partner then started to get messages from her and his dad saying how upset his mum was and she was in tears! He is a proper mummies boy and this immediately made him turn on me. He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me and he can’t believe I’ve upset her and his mum is in tears etc and even that he doesn’t want to be with me he is totally finished with me ! His mum keeps messaging him that she is soo upset, in tears and then changes her tune completely and says that in fact she never left our baby to cry at all and she would never ! That he got lots of kisses and cuddles and lovely warm milk and yes he was crying but she sat with
Him the whole time stroking his head...so now my partner is even more angry at me because he has suddenly forgot what his mum said in the first place? Like what she said was pretty black and white to me..she definitely admitted to leaving him to cry ..my partner even said the same at the time and wasn’t happy either so what ?!

I’ve never argued with my in laws once and always gotten on well with them. They’ve treated me like a daughter and said numerous times I was the best thing to happen to their son and have now completely turned on me because of this I feel and I just find the whole thing crazy. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m shy and never stood up to them before so now they’re not happy..

The next day in laws were meant to drop my son off at our house but wouldn’t as his mum was still in tears apparently and his dad waited for me to go out before bringing my son home .. I tried phoning MIL twice and she never answered. I the. Messaged her apologising for shouting and thanking her for doing us a favour and she never replied..that night partner kicks off at me again. Apparently his mum had messaged him saying she is still crying and upset by everything and the next day she says she doesn’t feel she has anything to live for.. he’s telling me I need to phone her and I try explaining that I already have and she hasn’t
Answered or tried phoning back and he just gets angrier and angrier with me and says I need to keep trying.. and need to keep apologising to her.

I’m just really taken aback by the whole thing..it’s been days and my partner is still off with me and if I’m honest I can actually see this being the end of us ..I mean for godsake he thinks that ive made his mother suicidal. yes I shouldn’t have shouted at her and she was doing us a big favour but she shouldn’t have done that still and why is no one telling her she’s overreacting ! I’m just so shocked by this whole situation...please tell my I’m not being unreasonable

The words "storm" and "teacup" keep springing to mind for some reason!

• don't reward her bad behaviour

I would tell him to stop being a mummy's boy. Do you really want to stay with someone who has behaved like your partner has? If my Fiance said his mother comes before ne now and always I would finish things straight away.

I think you’ve all over reacted. Don’t leave the baby there again if they don’t follow your instructions.

She's realised she overstepped massively and now she's pullling out all the stops - denying she left the baby to cry, saying she is suicidal.
My reaction would be 'It's sad that someone telling you not to leave a baby crying has made you want to kill yourself, obviously you have some mental health issues as that is not a normal reaction'.
I'd then tell your H that he needs to decide whether he is always going to be a total mummy's boy, because you need someone who can be relied upon to have your and your baby's interests as his priority, not his mother's.

As others have said, I would then withdraw - go and stay with family or friends and say you will come back when they can behave like adults, and you will not be emotionally manipulated. I had a MIL who was always threatening to kill herself when anyone said no to her. I ignored her threats - guess what she didn't kill herself. Being told off doesn't make people suicidal - that's insulting to people who have genuine depressive illnesses. Basically she needs to grow up or fuck off.

She sounds manipulative and pretty awful. Your husband sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. You're doing a great job and I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this especially as you still have such a young baby.

@Anon199000000

I offered first thing in morning to collect him even though they had initially offered to drop him off because of this and because I didn’t want to wait to see son I wanted him back ASAP . FIL said they were just getting up and would be over soon. I’m presuming They didn’t want me over at house as MIL was upset and They didn’t want to come to ours as they didn’t want to see me. Partner refused to go to theirs as he couldn’t be bothered but FIL knew I was going out in afternoon so I’m presuming that’s why he waited until 2 to bring son home but that could maybe be coincidence..I don’t know.

Missing the point here completely but how on Earth did you manage not to pick him up straight away, and even more so, let them keep your son until 2 in the afternoon after all this, like you would needed their permission to have him back??? What in the name of God is going on in that family? You need to stand up for yourself and your son.

@Pollywants

So it's okay for your wee baby to cry it out but MIL crying deserves special treatment? Maybe she should be left to cry it out!!

Haha. Yes. This is so true 👏🏼

She's been doing a number on your DH ever since he was a tiny baby. Interpreting his needs as 'sheer temper'. She's fucking nuts.

It's going to take a lot for your DH to see that because he's been programmed by her to have no needs of his own and to submit to her control. And now she's starting the same on your DS.

It's a shame you lost your temper but you describe yourself as quite a quiet person and I wonder if you've seen a lot of her manipulative shit vis a vis your DH and this has been brewing for a while.

If your DH can't break his mother's grip, which it doesn't sound like he wants to at the moment, then you need to work out how keep your DS safe. At the moment she believes she has every right to withhold a very young baby from his own mother and that's just scary.

I hate cry it out too, and that would absolutely have bothered me, but the way she controls your DH and it happy to use malignant labels for him (sheer temper, a baby ffs) and the fact that she's now attempting to do it all over again with YOUR baby sends massive, massive alarm bells.

I had a MIL who was always threatening to kill herself when anyone said no to her. I ignored her threats - guess what she didn't kill herself. Being told off doesn't make people suicidal - that's insulting to people who have genuine depressive illnesses. Basically she needs to grow up or fuck off.

A really good way of dealing with this is to take her seriously and tip off the emergency services, saying she's threatened to self-harm and you are worried.

In that vein, you can ensure you never feel culpable in the event that she is actually serious and intends to carry out her threat. You've acted upon it, and tried to help. It does sound to me that if she's not being extremely manipulative, then the other alternative is that she's unstable (and of course one doesn't preclude the other).

If she is using this as a form of manipulation and abuse, then once she realizes she's been taken at her word I'd bet you anything you like that she won't do it again.

WTF are these people?!

At least you know where his loyalties lie.

I couldn't get past that tbh.

If you felt like their parenting style was different why on earth would you be OK to leave your 4 month old newborn with your in laws in the first place?

Personally I wouldn't care if my parents or in laws were parents of the year for umpteenth years running. I still wouldn't

Poor op. This is your first child ?
Sounds like everyone lost it over a baby crying.
If you knew what they were like then why leave him?
But what is done is done. Its what next. Your dh has sided against both you and his dc. Do you want to live with that ? He has made it clear she is his no1 . You need to take the baby away for a week and spend time on your own with dc away from your dh.
Only then when you decide what you want speak to your dh. You owe no apology.
You dh should let his mum cry it out, well thats what she believes in.
It has went a bit crazy out of so little . But your dh has behaved way out.

I'm assuming MIL crying and demanding special treatment is a habit she's got into.

Your DP is conditioned to appease his mother.

I'd be telling him if you and your child aren't his priority then move to the home of the person who is his priority.

You lost me at "My son is 4 months old and I left him at MILs". There is no way on earth I would have left my baby overnight with anyone at that age. And if he'd had an unsettled night, wild horses couldn't have kept him from me in the morning.

I would ask your Dh Why is it okay for the baby to cry but not a grown woman?

They went against your wishes and did what they felt was best. They told you only because he had by then cried himself to sleep. It’s manipulative.

When I spend time with my grandchild I go by what his parents say. They know him best and I’m only standing in for a short time. I might not completely agree with some things but he’s loved, he’s safe and he’s healthy.

More than anything, I'm appalled at the fact they failed to return your child as agreed until hours later. That's tantamount to kidnapping, surely?

They can never be trusted with him again, can they? No overnights, no babysitting, nothing. And your DP needs to wake up and remember he is a father now with a partner and a family and decide where his loyalties lie and commit accordingly.

That wasn't exactly the restful little break you were anticipating, was it?! So sorry you've been put through this. You need to protect yourself and your child ruthlessly in all this.

You have all behaved very oddly.

You don't like how they parent, you had a good idea they wouldnt do things your way. And yet left a 4 month old newborn with them and then screamed at them, when they behaved entirely as predicted?

What would you have done if they had done everything you wanted them to and he just refused to settle? How would you have got back If? If its the first time they have had him overnight, you had no clue he would be ok. You have particular things you want them to do, include not leave him to cry. So you must have had at least half a plan about what you would do if he wouldn't settle.

They ignored your wishes and all these dramatics. Your dp appears to be a dick in general.

Its all quite ridiculous

I think you are all being unreasonable :
MIL - for not following instructions and being a drama llama
FIL - for backing up MIL
Partner - for supporting mum over you
You - for leaving baby with them in the first place knowing they were likely to revert to type , for having a baby with someone who obviously is a complete mummy’s boy , for bothering the rest of us with this tale .

I would be packing your DP's bags tbh.

He has told you who he is. He doesn't have a different approach to parenting from his parents. He has no feelings of his own, and no thoughts. He bends with the wind. Except when it comes to his mother.

Tell him he can go back to her.

Not bringing back YOUR baby when you asked for him is bordering criminal. You are dealing with a seriously messed up woman, and her husband and your DP are enablers.

Neither your in laws or your dh respect you.

It’s not looking good here op.

I don't care how much that taxi would have cost, I'd have got him.

They would have presumably let him cry when he woke in the night and cry the next day for his nap.

Ah OP I wrote out a massive long reply but I scrapped it.

Ive been here and got the T-Shirt.

Stop apologising and stick up for yourself. She isn't god and neither is he. He sounds like a complete prick saying that to you. I would be wanting to leave because of that alone.

And you need to completely ignore and in fact sneer derisively at her dramatics, including the suicide bit.

You have a massive DH problem. Huge. Stop apologising to him, and pandering to him. Take the good advice upthread to take the emotion out of the situation. Be calm and let him see your mils behaviour for what it is. In the next week or so calmly explain how yes you shouldn't have shouted but that doesn't change the fact that you thought you were on the same page and were a team. Your relationship is only going to work if you back each other up. Even when mistakes are made. Get back on track with your dh and ignore mil for now. She'll calm down when she stops getting attention and then maybe you and dh can approach her as a united front to explain that you need to know they will follow your instructions to the letter if they want to regain your trust and have ds again.