I shouted at MIL for leaving my baby to cry himself to sleep and now she is suicidal ?

[Anon199000000]

My son is 4 months old and he stayed the night at my MILs. This has been planned for weeks, prior to my son staying me and partner kept thanking MIL for offering to take our son for the night as he’s so young. MIL insisted we didn’t even need to thank her, she couldn’t wait to look after him for the night.

Now..bit of background, me and my partner have totally different views on parenting than my in laws. They often give unsolicited advice and brush off what we have to say as they say they have had two kids and know what they are doing. They have a bit of an old school approach I believe..they have often said they left my partner to cry as he had a temper as a baby and their own parents told them they needed to leave him to cry to “break him” (their own words) and show him who’s boss type thing..

Now..I never leave my son to cry. I’m really against it and so is my sons dad, which my in laws know. I was hesitant to leave my son with them because of this but my partner assured me his parents only
Did that to him as a baby and wouldn’t do that to our son.

Now Cut to Saturday night we decide to phone in laws to find out how they getting on at around 9 o clock. MIL answers and says “ he has some cry doesn’t he !!! Oh he reminds me just of you when you were a baby ! I thought that cry is just sheer temper ! So I put him in his cot and left him and checked in on him every 10 minutes and now he’s sleeping.” Me and my partner just stared at each other for a few seconds after she said this and he said “aw mum..please don’t leave him to cry” and she said “aw he’s fine ! He’s sleeping now” and I instantly burst in to tears..

I’m not being dramatic but I genuinely felt heartbroken that my little boy had been left there crying in his own..I know how upset he gets just being left crying for a few minutes while I’m at the toilet or I’m getting a bottle or
Something !

My partner wasn’t happy she had left him and decided to text his mum and ask her again please not to leave our son to cry and I was so upset. I started to feel really angry and He asked me to ohone his mum and I said no Because I will shout at her on the phone so I’m not going to speak to her the now. She then starts to phone my partner and he answers and blooming puts her on loudspeaker ! I couldn’t help myself and I shouted “don’t you dare ever leave my son to cry again !! How dare you !!” And my partner hung up the phone.

My partner then started to get messages from her and his dad saying how upset his mum was and she was in tears! He is a proper mummies boy and this immediately made him turn on me. He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me and he can’t believe I’ve upset her and his mum is in tears etc and even that he doesn’t want to be with me he is totally finished with me ! His mum keeps messaging him that she is soo upset, in tears and then changes her tune completely and says that in fact she never left our baby to cry at all and she would never ! That he got lots of kisses and cuddles and lovely warm milk and yes he was crying but she sat with
Him the whole time stroking his head...so now my partner is even more angry at me because he has suddenly forgot what his mum said in the first place? Like what she said was pretty black and white to me..she definitely admitted to leaving him to cry ..my partner even said the same at the time and wasn’t happy either so what ?!

I’ve never argued with my in laws once and always gotten on well with them. They’ve treated me like a daughter and said numerous times I was the best thing to happen to their son and have now completely turned on me because of this I feel and I just find the whole thing crazy. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m shy and never stood up to them before so now they’re not happy..

The next day in laws were meant to drop my son off at our house but wouldn’t as his mum was still in tears apparently and his dad waited for me to go out before bringing my son home .. I tried phoning MIL twice and she never answered. I the. Messaged her apologising for shouting and thanking her for doing us a favour and she never replied..that night partner kicks off at me again. Apparently his mum had messaged him saying she is still crying and upset by everything and the next day she says she doesn’t feel she has anything to live for.. he’s telling me I need to phone her and I try explaining that I already have and she hasn’t
Answered or tried phoning back and he just gets angrier and angrier with me and says I need to keep trying.. and need to keep apologising to her.

I’m just really taken aback by the whole thing..it’s been days and my partner is still off with me and if I’m honest I can actually see this being the end of us ..I mean for godsake he thinks that ive made his mother suicidal. yes I shouldn’t have shouted at her and she was doing us a big favour but she shouldn’t have done that still and why is no one telling her she’s overreacting ! I’m just so shocked by this whole situation...please tell my I’m not being unreasonable

She's not your MIL, she's your partner's mother.
Your partner is a mummy's boy and you have a PFB

They are all so over the top. GinIronic and other's who have said she should be left to cry it out. Drama queen mother in law. I would not be contacting her again. I would sit down with your partner and clearly outline the issue but keep calm. He should now have your back and your baby's. Good he is close to his folks but ridiculous he is not putting you first and is enabling the mum's manipulation as that is what it is. Hope you are ok. In-laws change once a baby arrives and all the drama starts. Tell your partner to grow up.

Your partner is not your partner at all. He's not on your team. He doesn't have your back. He's not involved with his baby at all and treats you like shit. Time to move on as you're worth more than this.

You all sound massively dramatic.

I think you were justified in shouting.
You MIL knew that you didn't want your baby to be left to cry, yet she thought she knew better and deliberately ignored your wishes.

Your husband has behaved despicably. He owes you an explanation and an apology. If he doesn't then maybe the mummy's boy can go home to mummy!

@IShoveLula there’s nothing PFB about not wanting a baby to be left to cry himself to sleep. Get over yourself

Oh dear..MIL /DIL is potentially one of the most fraught out there.
Basically two women fighting over one man.
Made worse if the son is an only child.

Add a grandchild, and it has the potential to really blow up.

I’m not a grandmother, but if I were, I’d do EXACTLY as DS and wife or partner wanted, as I remember very much feeling bad overMIL when DS was born.

Mil used to say “
I don’t care what you think!” And proceeded to wrap DS in a gazillion blankets despite it being a boiling hot day.
I feel your pain.
Your husband is probably torn, but he should stay on your side.

[quote Derbee]@IShoveLula there’s nothing PFB about not wanting a baby to be left to cry himself to sleep. Get over yourself[/quote]
Agreed.

Hi everyone I just want to clarify reason I didn’t go and pick up my son immediately was because me and partner were staying away in different city for the night and it would have cost a fortune to get a taxi to there’s. Partner had spent a lot on nice hotel for us as he had been working away and wanted to treat us.

I couldn’t sleep all night and at 7 in the morning I messaged In laws to ask if they could drop son off early in morning as I was really missing him..I didn’t want to say it was because I didn’t trust them with him and wanted him back ASAP but because we and partner had spent entire night arguing I didn’t want to drag things on. MIL didn’t reply but FIL did and said they were just getting up and would b through shortly which never happened as because I said MIL was too upset apparently so FIL never dropped son off until 2 o clock which I was angry about as well but again, didn’t want to keep argument going due to partner shouting at me all night.

Also probably should add Me and partner had had a couple drinks already when MIL phonednwhich is part of reason I couldn’t bite my tongue ..

FatCatThinCat Wed 06-Oct-21 16:55:47
Your partner is not your partner at all. He's not on your team. He doesn't have your back. He's not involved with his baby at all and treats you like shit. Time to move on as you're worth more than this.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. I've just read through your other threads and totally agree with what Fatcat said.

It all sounds very high drama from everyone tbh. Your partner sounds like a wet lettuce, your MIL is a total manipulator and you were being OTT for yelling down the phone. If you were unhappy with the standard of care you should have just gone and collected your child and not let her have him unattended again. Shouting down the phone at a woman looking after your baby is ridiculous when she hadn’t done anything really wrong. You partner obviously didn’t make it clear how against CIO you were but then to turn on you is just daft.

Is it like this all the time? Are there often big dramas going on or is this a one off?

They've managed to turn it round completely and blame it on you. Dicks. Your baby, your rules. Stick with your gut or you'll never forgive yourself, and don't bloody apologise. It's down to all of you to be adults and put it behind you to move on for the sake of the whole family moving forward.

I think you were over reacting a bit like your comment about him getting so upset if you are in the loo or getting his bottle - none of that will harm him. So they probably see you as massively overprotective, which there is an element of truth to. However, MIL was wrong to do what she did and her response is incredibly manipulative. More concerning is your DPs response who probably wants all the drama to be over and is behaving like a knob.

So your partner is more worried about his mum being upset than his 4 month old child?

He allowed his parents to insist you went out before they returned your baby?

Yeah shouting wasn’t great but leaving a baby to scream was far worse.

I’d leave him if he doesn’t apologise and promise it was a one off (in fact I’d leave him for saying his mum would always come first… how can you move forward from that?).

If you stay with your partner emotionally detach from your in laws because this manipulative behaviour will likely get worse. Still see them etc but emotionally detach as you’ll likely be hurt again in the future and it’s not worth your energy. I’m sure you won’t, but also don’t leave them unsupervised with your baby because your parenting ethos should be appreciated by them. Even if others on here seem to think it’s over dramatic.

I'm really confused. Why was he there in the first place? Why is his crying an issue when you just put him down to go to the toilet? Why did you shout at your MIL?

This just sounds like a huge storm in a teacup, and it does not sound like you are anywhere near ready to leave your child overnight, so I can't imagine why you did, and you need to leave him to cry more often yourself, if you are not able to go to the toilet without getting upset when you are looking after him

I think you owe MIL an apology.

@Funnylittlefloozie

The only person acting their age here, out of all parties concerned, is the baby.

You all need to get a family multi-pack of grips.

Such high drama

Funny how your dp doesn't like his mother crying but is happy for her to allow his 4 month old baby to cry. Shouting at her clearly made the situation worse but her response is batshit. She should just apologise and everyone could move on. Although it's a clear sign they don't respect or listen to your parenting choices.

@Pollywants

So it's okay for your wee baby to cry it out but MIL crying deserves special treatment? Maybe she should be left to cry it out!!

This

I don't think you can dictate how a grandparent interacts with your child really - obviously beyond really big things or specific needs like medication. For you the crying it out felt like a huge thing (and I can understand that, I don't like it either and definitely not at four months) but for your MIL and many other people it's pretty normal parenting.

If you didn't want her to do what you already knew she'd done with your husband as a baby, surely you needed to have that conversation with her directly? Four months is pretty young to leave your child overnight but if you're comfortable with that you can't really then get irate about a difference in approach.

Your husband sounds very unsupportive in what he said and your MIL is being manipulative now, but in the original scenario you were 100% in the wrong IMO. Unless you told her your feelings and specifically asked her not to do that, and she agreed? People have totally different ideas about CIO and her approach is old-fashioned but she wouldn't have been done it to be deliberately unkind.

Anyway, I'd leave it for a bit and then try and offer an olive branch. Just blame hormones and sleep deprivation and try to move on.

I don’t understand why you left your child with people who you knew had totally different views to you on parenting…?
Might that be where you went wrong? That aspect was very unreasonable of you.

Lesson learnt, move on.

you're all very dramatic.

@herculesoffline

I do think you lost the high ground when you shouted down the phone at her tbh.

This. I think you had a massive overreaction. As PPs have said, you should just have gone to collect baby and not left him with them overnight again. This is now causing a whole heap of stress for everyone when it's actually quite a small thing that's happened. When you leave your child with someone you do need to accept they might do things slightly differently to you but that thing is a deal breaker then you don't leave your child with them.

@Anon199000000

Hi everyone I just want to clarify reason I didn’t go and pick up my son immediately was because me and partner were staying away in different city for the night and it would have cost a fortune to get a taxi to there’s. Partner had spent a lot on nice hotel for us as he had been working away and wanted to treat us.

I couldn’t sleep all night and at 7 in the morning I messaged In laws to ask if they could drop son off early in morning as I was really missing him..I didn’t want to say it was because I didn’t trust them with him and wanted him back ASAP but because we and partner had spent entire night arguing I didn’t want to drag things on. MIL didn’t reply but FIL did and said they were just getting up and would b through shortly which never happened as because I said MIL was too upset apparently so FIL never dropped son off until 2 o clock which I was angry about as well but again, didn’t want to keep argument going due to partner shouting at me all night.

Also probably should add Me and partner had had a couple drinks already when MIL phonednwhich is part of reason I couldn’t bite my tongue ..

I think your expectation that they'd taxi your son home after you shouted at them was out of order. Why didn't you collect your own child?

This is so over dramatic . It’s not even about what is right or wrong about leaving the baby to cry .

They are not respecting your parenting , but years ago this was the way babies were treated . I had my baby in hospital for 3 months and was not able to be with him all the time . And if the baby was fed and changed every 4 hours and then put down , if they cried they were checked again then left . When my baby came home he was the easiest baby ever to look after and always settled and came to no harm .

However if my DIL gives me clear instructions I would adhere to them because I appreciate lots of things have changed over 30 odd years.

She should respect your instructions , but I don’t think you needed to be so angry with her . She probably is scared she will loose contact now .

Everyone should just calm down .