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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I shouted at MIL for leaving my baby to cry himself to sleep and now she is suicidal ?

434 replies

Anon199000000 · 06/10/2021 16:03

My son is 4 months old and he stayed the night at my MILs. This has been planned for weeks, prior to my son staying me and partner kept thanking MIL for offering to take our son for the night as he’s so young. MIL insisted we didn’t even need to thank her, she couldn’t wait to look after him for the night.

Now..bit of background, me and my partner have totally different views on parenting than my in laws. They often give unsolicited advice and brush off what we have to say as they say they have had two kids and know what they are doing. They have a bit of an old school approach I believe..they have often said they left my partner to cry as he had a temper as a baby and their own parents told them they needed to leave him to cry to “break him” (their own words) and show him who’s boss type thing..

Now..I never leave my son to cry. I’m really against it and so is my sons dad, which my in laws know. I was hesitant to leave my son with them because of this but my partner assured me his parents only
Did that to him as a baby and wouldn’t do that to our son.

Now Cut to Saturday night we decide to phone in laws to find out how they getting on at around 9 o clock. MIL answers and says “ he has some cry doesn’t he !!! Oh he reminds me just of you when you were a baby ! I thought that cry is just sheer temper ! So I put him in his cot and left him and checked in on him every 10 minutes and now he’s sleeping.” Me and my partner just stared at each other for a few seconds after she said this and he said “aw mum..please don’t leave him to cry” and she said “aw he’s fine ! He’s sleeping now” and I instantly burst in to tears..

I’m not being dramatic but I genuinely felt heartbroken that my little boy had been left there crying in his own..I know how upset he gets just being left crying for a few minutes while I’m at the toilet or I’m getting a bottle or
Something !

My partner wasn’t happy she had left him and decided to text his mum and ask her again please not to leave our son to cry and I was so upset. I started to feel really angry and He asked me to ohone his mum and I said no Because I will shout at her on the phone so I’m not going to speak to her the now. She then starts to phone my partner and he answers and blooming puts her on loudspeaker ! I couldn’t help myself and I shouted “don’t you dare ever leave my son to cry again !! How dare you !!” And my partner hung up the phone.

My partner then started to get messages from her and his dad saying how upset his mum was and she was in tears! He is a proper mummies boy and this immediately made him turn on me. He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me and he can’t believe I’ve upset her and his mum is in tears etc and even that he doesn’t want to be with me he is totally finished with me ! His mum keeps messaging him that she is soo upset, in tears and then changes her tune completely and says that in fact she never left our baby to cry at all and she would never ! That he got lots of kisses and cuddles and lovely warm milk and yes he was crying but she sat with
Him the whole time stroking his head...so now my partner is even more angry at me because he has suddenly forgot what his mum said in the first place? Like what she said was pretty black and white to me..she definitely admitted to leaving him to cry ..my partner even said the same at the time and wasn’t happy either so what ?!

I’ve never argued with my in laws once and always gotten on well with them. They’ve treated me like a daughter and said numerous times I was the best thing to happen to their son and have now completely turned on me because of this I feel and I just find the whole thing crazy. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m shy and never stood up to them before so now they’re not happy..

The next day in laws were meant to drop my son off at our house but wouldn’t as his mum was still in tears apparently and his dad waited for me to go out before bringing my son home .. I tried phoning MIL twice and she never answered. I the. Messaged her apologising for shouting and thanking her for doing us a favour and she never replied..that night partner kicks off at me again. Apparently his mum had messaged him saying she is still crying and upset by everything and the next day she says she doesn’t feel she has anything to live for.. he’s telling me I need to phone her and I try explaining that I already have and she hasn’t
Answered or tried phoning back and he just gets angrier and angrier with me and says I need to keep trying.. and need to keep apologising to her.

I’m just really taken aback by the whole thing..it’s been days and my partner is still off with me and if I’m honest I can actually see this being the end of us ..I mean for godsake he thinks that ive made his mother suicidal. yes I shouldn’t have shouted at her and she was doing us a big favour but she shouldn’t have done that still and why is no one telling her she’s overreacting ! I’m just so shocked by this whole situation...please tell my I’m not being unreasonable

OP posts:
cricketmum84 · 07/10/2021 14:40

@Helendee

You and your partner were hardly being responsible by drinking and making yourself unavailable to your child if he needed you. What would have happened if your son hadn’t settled and your in-laws needed you to collect him. From the sound of it your MIL was doing controlled crying which is recommended by many professionals. Did you ask her not to let him cry beforehand?
Oh leave it out. They weren't drunk in charge of the baby. They had arranged what OP though would be a sensible childcare option. It is not irresponsible to take a night off every so often while baby/child is with grandparents. (Although I see totally different situation after OPs previous threads!)

Or should we all abstain until they are old enough to be served at the pub themselves?

AnnieSnap · 07/10/2021 14:54

@Helendee

You and your partner were hardly being responsible by drinking and making yourself unavailable to your child if he needed you. What would have happened if your son hadn’t settled and your in-laws needed you to collect him. From the sound of it your MIL was doing controlled crying which is recommended by many professionals. Did you ask her not to let him cry beforehand?
Yes, she and her husband had made it clear that they didn’t agree with leaving a baby to cry!
Offmyfence · 07/10/2021 16:30

@Helendee

You and your partner were hardly being responsible by drinking and making yourself unavailable to your child if he needed you. What would have happened if your son hadn’t settled and your in-laws needed you to collect him. From the sound of it your MIL was doing controlled crying which is recommended by many professionals. Did you ask her not to let him cry beforehand?
They left the child with its grandmother, they were away for the night, they are allowed a night off. The child should've been safe with its grandmother.

At what age is a night off allowable?

When they're 21?

Offmyfence · 07/10/2021 16:31

@Helendee read the OP regarding the controlled crying!

Pantaloony · 07/10/2021 16:37

Not read the whole thread but what an over reaction on your MILs part. I would be fuming if this happened to me and would never leave my child with them. It’s the fact your made it clear you do not want your baby to be left to cry it out and they took the opportunity to go against your advice. Your husband is a disappointment for not sticking up for you as you and the baby are his priority now. I hope you get things sorted but don’t leave your baby with MIL again unless she can respect it’s not her baby but yours.

3WildOnes · 07/10/2021 16:40

Absolutely stop apologising. I would take baby and stay with my parents until everything had cooled down a bit. I would also be waiting for an apology for mil and dh. She sounds awful and manipulative and he sounds pathetic. Your husband needs to support you. If someone left my baby to cry I would be pretty upset.

Soontobe60 · 07/10/2021 16:42

TBH you all sound bonkers!

Brokeandtired3 · 07/10/2021 16:47

I dont think the op is coming back. She did this last time in her previous thread and then just stopped replying and stayed with him

It really is so depressing know there are babies out there subjected to this crap and the women wont leave

Derbee · 07/10/2021 16:59

@Anon199000000 you probably won’t leave him this time either. But when you find the courage to stand up for yourself, and prevent your baby growing up in a violent and abusive household, with their dad punching holes in the wall etc etc. come back and tell us.

People are horrified that you haven’t left him, and not understand it. But you will get support when you finally find your courage. I hope that is sooner rather than later.

AnnieSnap · 07/10/2021 17:07

@Soontobe60

TBH you all sound bonkers!
How wonderfully constructive! 🙄
doadeer · 07/10/2021 17:12

Not helpful I'm sure but I just wouldn't have left my baby at this age with people who I know have different attitudes to me.

All sounds a bit bonkers and worrying how your partner reacted ☹️

SpeedRunParent · 07/10/2021 17:16

You massively over-reacted (one night won't scar him for life OfP) I have never agreed with the cry it out method but your description of yourself sounds a bit OTT ( you probably need to chill a bit, babies cry. If you jump every time he whimpers your will make a massive rod for your own back and you won't be doing your baby any favours either.
However, your MIL is a manipulative cow and your DH is an unsupportive drip. Their reactions have trumped yours hands down. Everything you have described is lunacy. Never leave your child with her again. I'd go LC in your shoes.

3WildOnes · 07/10/2021 17:17

I actually missed the bit where you said your partner was shouting at you all night. This is absolutely not OK. At best you are in a toxic relationship and at worst am abusive one. Leave him and protect your child.

JML001 · 07/10/2021 17:25

@youvegottenminuteslynn is so so right, please please heed her advice OP.

SpeedRunParent · 07/10/2021 19:45

@youvegottenminuteslynn

OP this is all a distraction from the main issue that is clear in other threads.

You need to leave your partner.

He is a problem drinker, a cheat, a shit dad, financially abusive, sexually coercive and cruel, controlling, emotionally abusive and violent.

Stop worrying about your son having cried for some time on this specific occasion and focus on the damage that is being done to him by living in this environment.

Growing up in a shouty, angry home with a drunk dad who punches walls, slams doors and calls his mum names is so unbelievably damaging and the longer you live under the same roof the worse that damage will be.

This incident is a red herring in the grand scheme of things. You're in an abusive relationship. You need to call womens aid and start planning a safe strategy to leave this arsehole.

Oh dear, OP. I just read the above and no wonder you are reacting to your son crying in such a big way. I haven't seen / connected the other threads but it sounds like you are in an awful situation. Hold that baby close to you, remember that you are entitled to be treated well. If you're DH can't do that you need to rethink.
myheartskippedabeat · 07/10/2021 21:19

Wow 😮 that all sounds a bit dramatic but I certainly wouldn't have left a baby that young never mind overnight

catsandhens · 07/10/2021 21:24

I would treat your MIL the way she treats others e.g. if she leaves your son to cry by himself, then do the same to her, if she doesnt expect to pander to others why would she get pandered to herself?

Leaving a 4 month old who has been left with someone he doesnt know to cry by himself for 10 mins at a time is just mean

MushMonster · 07/10/2021 21:37

OP please come back and let us know how things are at your home? Are you feeling better? More settled?
Is your partner more calm?
We are all worried about you and your little boy. You deserve to be treated like a queen OP, and your boy like a prince, no less. Life is too short to share space with vile manipulative people. They drain the life out if you, and many people here knows by own experience.
We hope you are ok and wish you the strength to stand up for yourself and your little boy.

heywassuphello · 07/10/2021 21:55

God. Sorry this isn't very constructive but you're all terribly dramatic. You shouldn't have shouted but she is acting like a baby. And if your partners mum will always come before you then that's tragic, he needs to get his priorities straight.

Buttercup54321 · 07/10/2021 23:44

You are all over reacting. The baby is fine and he won't remember this at all.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/10/2021 23:48

OP I saw your other thread and I think you really need to get some help from your parents. It sounds like you are in a really difficult situation. Don't worry about possessions or things. Just get you and your baby to your parents, even if its by taxi and not in your car, so that you have a chance to be in a calm place where you feel safe and can think.

WildRunner · 08/10/2021 00:12

Goodness. A small baby isn't allowed to cry. Yet a grown woman can cry - and wear a perceived slight heavily - for days? I know where my sympathies would be....

lboogy · 08/10/2021 00:22

@Buttercup54321

You are all over reacting. The baby is fine and he won't remember this at all.
The baby is 4 months old. Goodness knows how long he was left to cry. If OP has stated don't let the baby cio then the care giver should respect that.

The instinct to protect your child is fierce - especially with the first one. OP was not being dramatic

Looubylou · 08/10/2021 08:20

You all sound overdramatic. His mother does not sound suicidal - she sounds very manipulative. Your husband's response is very worrying - probably due to a life time of avoiding mother's meltdowns. He needs to support you - apart from your shouting obviously. Gaslighting, an over used term I know, springs to mind here. He is distancing himself and deflecting "blame", so he protects himself from his mother's hysteria. He is a result of their parenting. Frequent but supervised contact with grandparents, whilst boundaries are established. Your baby will be OK. If these behaviours from partner continue, I'd be rethinking the relationship.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 08/10/2021 08:30

She is batshit, manipulative and needs to be ignored. But tbh you created this situation. Why would you leave a four month old baby overnight, especially with someone you don’t trust. And why would you not pick him up straight away when you heard that mil had left him to cry? Nobody who says a tiny baby ‘has a temper’ would look after my child.

I think your relationship with DH is over? It doesn’t sound like there’s any coming back from that?