I shouted at MIL for leaving my baby to cry himself to sleep and now she is suicidal ?

[Anon199000000]

My son is 4 months old and he stayed the night at my MILs. This has been planned for weeks, prior to my son staying me and partner kept thanking MIL for offering to take our son for the night as he’s so young. MIL insisted we didn’t even need to thank her, she couldn’t wait to look after him for the night.

Now..bit of background, me and my partner have totally different views on parenting than my in laws. They often give unsolicited advice and brush off what we have to say as they say they have had two kids and know what they are doing. They have a bit of an old school approach I believe..they have often said they left my partner to cry as he had a temper as a baby and their own parents told them they needed to leave him to cry to “break him” (their own words) and show him who’s boss type thing..

Now..I never leave my son to cry. I’m really against it and so is my sons dad, which my in laws know. I was hesitant to leave my son with them because of this but my partner assured me his parents only
Did that to him as a baby and wouldn’t do that to our son.

Now Cut to Saturday night we decide to phone in laws to find out how they getting on at around 9 o clock. MIL answers and says “ he has some cry doesn’t he !!! Oh he reminds me just of you when you were a baby ! I thought that cry is just sheer temper ! So I put him in his cot and left him and checked in on him every 10 minutes and now he’s sleeping.” Me and my partner just stared at each other for a few seconds after she said this and he said “aw mum..please don’t leave him to cry” and she said “aw he’s fine ! He’s sleeping now” and I instantly burst in to tears..

I’m not being dramatic but I genuinely felt heartbroken that my little boy had been left there crying in his own..I know how upset he gets just being left crying for a few minutes while I’m at the toilet or I’m getting a bottle or
Something !

My partner wasn’t happy she had left him and decided to text his mum and ask her again please not to leave our son to cry and I was so upset. I started to feel really angry and He asked me to ohone his mum and I said no Because I will shout at her on the phone so I’m not going to speak to her the now. She then starts to phone my partner and he answers and blooming puts her on loudspeaker ! I couldn’t help myself and I shouted “don’t you dare ever leave my son to cry again !! How dare you !!” And my partner hung up the phone.

My partner then started to get messages from her and his dad saying how upset his mum was and she was in tears! He is a proper mummies boy and this immediately made him turn on me. He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me and he can’t believe I’ve upset her and his mum is in tears etc and even that he doesn’t want to be with me he is totally finished with me ! His mum keeps messaging him that she is soo upset, in tears and then changes her tune completely and says that in fact she never left our baby to cry at all and she would never ! That he got lots of kisses and cuddles and lovely warm milk and yes he was crying but she sat with
Him the whole time stroking his head...so now my partner is even more angry at me because he has suddenly forgot what his mum said in the first place? Like what she said was pretty black and white to me..she definitely admitted to leaving him to cry ..my partner even said the same at the time and wasn’t happy either so what ?!

I’ve never argued with my in laws once and always gotten on well with them. They’ve treated me like a daughter and said numerous times I was the best thing to happen to their son and have now completely turned on me because of this I feel and I just find the whole thing crazy. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m shy and never stood up to them before so now they’re not happy..

The next day in laws were meant to drop my son off at our house but wouldn’t as his mum was still in tears apparently and his dad waited for me to go out before bringing my son home .. I tried phoning MIL twice and she never answered. I the. Messaged her apologising for shouting and thanking her for doing us a favour and she never replied..that night partner kicks off at me again. Apparently his mum had messaged him saying she is still crying and upset by everything and the next day she says she doesn’t feel she has anything to live for.. he’s telling me I need to phone her and I try explaining that I already have and she hasn’t
Answered or tried phoning back and he just gets angrier and angrier with me and says I need to keep trying.. and need to keep apologising to her.

I’m just really taken aback by the whole thing..it’s been days and my partner is still off with me and if I’m honest I can actually see this being the end of us ..I mean for godsake he thinks that ive made his mother suicidal. yes I shouldn’t have shouted at her and she was doing us a big favour but she shouldn’t have done that still and why is no one telling her she’s overreacting ! I’m just so shocked by this whole situation...please tell my I’m not being unreasonable

I think if you were going to have such a reaction to your son being left to cry for 10 minutes then you should have sat her down before she had him and clearly outlined the rules. I know you said she knows how you feel but it's not the same as being so strict on it that you'll shout at someone.

I wouldn't see it as a big deal if I took care of someone's baby and I was in the room with them, stroking head or tummy.

It sounds like everyone needs to calm down and it's salvageable.

So much drama. As pp have said. The MIL was in the wrong and should have adhered to your parenting style or not had him. Your Dh is pathetic and weak and needs to step up. You need to learn to communicate like an adult and not scream at people down the phone - it won't help, won't convey your point, and won't make you seem rational. I get that you were upset and had a bit to drink but if you're really concerned about your child then you need to have a clear and rational conversation about it.

Now it's escalated into an absurd situation. Next time, to be really frank , do not leave your child with someone you don't fully trust. You made it clear in your posts that your PIL had different parenting attitudes to yours. Don't take the risk.

Everyone is in the wrong here. Get your wet drip of a mummy's boy partner to sort the situation out and don't leave your son with them again.

I think you are all over reacting and also think your making a rod for your own back too as the old saying goes, if you cannot leave your baby to cry whilst you go to the toilet soon you will have a habit that will be real hard to get out of and you will not be able to do anything.

Thewhole thing sounds exhausting.

Your ds will be fine.

Mil shouldn’t have done what she did, but he might just have been whimpering to sleep. But it’s not the crime of the century.

Your Dh is the problem. You all need a chill pill really. I couldn’t get worked up over any of it.

Bloody hell (backs out)

I think everyone a bit in the wrong, I don't agree with leaving babies to cry either, so no she shouldn't have done it, but it was a favour and a one off, the baby is OK, the rest of the stuff, the shouting, the histrionics, the stone walling, - all over the top

I think it’s a dh problem. My dh would always back me up.

Hmm I think you were rude in the way you shouted over speakerphone. Personally if I knew that my inlaws already had very different ways of parenting I don't think I would have left my baby with them in the first place. It's your choice not to leave your baby to cry but seriously it won't do them any harm.

I offered first thing in morning to collect him even though they had initially offered to drop him off because of this and because I didn’t want to wait to see son I wanted him back ASAP . FIL said they were just getting up and would be over soon. I’m presuming They didn’t want me over at house as MIL was upset and They didn’t want to come to ours as they didn’t want to see me. Partner refused to go to theirs as he couldn’t be bothered but FIL knew I was going out in afternoon so I’m presuming that’s why he waited until 2 to bring son home but that could maybe be coincidence..I don’t know.

This - he says I need to keep trying.. and need to keep apologising to her - probably shows your DP’s family dynamic quite well. MIL loses it/manipulates/threatens/demands and DP and FIL do all the running around to make things better. They enable her bad behaviour which means she carries on to get what you want.

Your DP does not value you I’m afraid, he’s never going to chose you over them and I couldn’t trust PIL again as they’ve clearly shown they’re going to ignore you if they want and will do as they want (not bringing your baby back when you wanted is really shit!).

@Youseethethingis

Fuck that for a carry on. Apart from the problem of leaving the baby to cry, they are all now telling lies and your partner has jumped ship of he's more bothered about his mother being upset than you being upset. I'm not sure I'd trust a word any of them said again.

All of the above.

If she's threatening suicide she's just being a manipulative cow.

Don't give in to her bullying, or it will set the tone for your relationship forever.

more an believable drama that an entire season of Days of our lives. MIL initially said she was checking him every 10 mins. She didn't abandon him. You and partner carried on. Then you shouted at mil. then mil wants to do away with herself. None of you come off as rational.
And for the future, you may have to not ever leave your son with anyone really if checking on him every 10 mins makes you this upset.
Golden Razzies all around

Christ on a bike. I think you've all behaved quite badly, really.

You have a huge partner issue.

The MIL obviously thinks she reigns supreme to the point that when you ask for your own child back she refuses and feels perfectly entitled to do so? Sounds like the crying out to break her Son worked cos he has zero back bone. Only a broken man would start screaming that he would pick his Mummy over you and shout all night long at a hotel. You shouldn't have shouted at his Mother either but I think you know that as you have been trying to apologise.

Mummy should just cry it out, might help with her temper.

It all sounds a bit rough house: shout, swearing, crying, texting at 7am.

An absolute over-reaction from all of you, with not one lone voice of reason to intervene and calm it all down.

The only thing I would be really worried about is your DP saying you will always come second to his mum?

Do you think this is true? Is there a reason why you aren't married?

Fine if it's a mutual decision or your decision but if it is him dragging his feet then, coupled with his remark, you might have to give the future a serious thinking about.

Everyone has been or was unreasonable.
Your MIl shouldn't have left him to cry knowing your feelings.
You shouldn't have shouted at her.
Your partner shouldn't have put her on speaker.
Your MIL is overreacting and should not be making such a drama about it.
Your partner is being ridiculous to say that his mum comes before you and his child.

It all sounds utterly bonkers. I would be tempted to send one final message saying

I am sorry I shouted at you MIL but I was upset that you told me you left him to cry for ten minutes. There is no need for such a big family argument. Let's draw a line under this and move on.

I would then not engage with anymore drama from the IL or your partner.

Get rid of DP, in turn this will rid you of mil - this is manipulative behaviour. Do. Not. Give any of them another chance. Your DP has shown who's side he's on and it's not yours

@Anon199000000

I offered first thing in morning to collect him even though they had initially offered to drop him off because of this and because I didn’t want to wait to see son I wanted him back ASAP . FIL said they were just getting up and would be over soon. I’m presuming They didn’t want me over at house as MIL was upset and They didn’t want to come to ours as they didn’t want to see me. Partner refused to go to theirs as he couldn’t be bothered but FIL knew I was going out in afternoon so I’m presuming that’s why he waited until 2 to bring son home but that could maybe be coincidence..I don’t know.

Ok.

Wow there's a really odd dynamic here. I do believe that you were absolutely unreasonable screeching like a banshee over speakerphone, I'd be so embarassed if I had ever done anything like that.

But, I think it's horrible they kept your son from you when you wanted him back first thing (even though I think 7am was WAY too early for you to be calling them at all, but especially after your banshee act).

The crying to sleep thing would bother me and I just wouldn't ask them to have him again but I think I'd be even more distressed by someone not letting me have my four month old back.

That is horrible and a pure power play on their part. Between them and your spineless DP I think you've got trouble on your hands.

OP is not overreacting. I would never under any circumstances leave my small baby overnight with a carer who left him to cry it out. I don't like this as a parenting approach, I never have and never would use it, and I would expect that to be honoured or that person would no longer be looking after my child.

Whether or not you agree with CIO is neither here nor there. OP doesn't, and she is the mother. If she's being unreasonable here it's for shouting the odds instead of calmly explaining her position and for leaving her child there once it became evident this was happening.

As for the PiLs, they're a pair of utter fruitloops. DH is also apparently so neck-deep in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) he's willing to gaslight himself - and OP into the bargain - that what was said in the first instance isn't actually what was said. The 'suicidal' thing isn't simply manipulative, that kind of behaviour is abusive. DH's immediate capitulation to her nonsense, as well as instantly turning on OP and telling you he's going to leave you, is a continuation of that cycle and comes across as uncomfortable confirmation of an abusive background, too.

OP, I strongly recommend you get hold of Susan Forward's book, Toxic In-Laws, which in circumstances like these is nothing short of a survival manual. DH is the first one needing a good shake-up and telling in no uncertain terms he needs to shape up and put the interests of his child first, or he can go and 'put his mother first' (ugh!) on a permanent basis when he moves back in with her.

Batshit.

Your mil is an adult. She and her "darling son" need to get over themselves. Your baby comes first before anything.

Well done op for not only sticking up for yourself but also your baby.

Secondly your mil is a manipulative twat and your partner pandering to her and endorsing this behaviour is pathetic. If it will always be her over you then you cant call him a "partner" because that isnt a team. You are your child baby. You decided what was appropriate for him. Your mil went against that. Now she has done a classic blame game tactic and made sure all the attention on you since she knows she is in the wrong. I dont know what the answer is here op but if I was you I'd sit down and have a serious assertive and firm discussion with your partner to make him see reason. And if he wont then I'd be rethinking everything.....

I think you're all overreacting (baby eventually fell asleep, wasn't crying for hours), but mostly them so on the balance of it you're not being entirely unreasonable IMO. What is very unreasonable, however, is your husband:

He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me

That is simply not on.

Your DP is a wimp and your MIL is a manipulative nightmare. You need to get on top of that now or it will never change.

I'd read your DP the riot act and tell him if they are so important, he can leave.

I wish I had stood up to my hysterical, gaslighting, manipulative MIL years ago. My DP never took my side WRT my PIL. He never said they were more important than me but it certainly felt like upsetting me was the easier option rather than them, even his Dsis. These in-laws, like mine, do not have your best interests at heart, or your back. I used to feel like I had to walk out of the room backwards in case I got a knife in the back. When I think of my MIL I think of the snake in the jungle book singing "trust in me" as she goes in for the kill.

if possible, you need to stand up for yourself in front of them and especially with your DP otherwise there will be no end to her manipulation. I wish I had. The only consolation I have now is that my MIL is ailing and she needs help and I refuse to lift a finger to help her as she can reap what she has sown.

Several things going on here.

First is - is this the end for you and your partner? It would be for me. I wouldn’t continue in a relationship with someone who turned on me so viciously and confirmed I would never come before his mother no matter how awful she was being.

Second - you shouldn’t have left your son with someone you didn’t trust, and you shouldn’t let this happen again.

Third - your MIL is a drama llama. Stop feeding into this by shouting at her and then apologising multiple times. There’s no reason why you need to have any direct contact with her at all if she’s going to behave like that.

Ignore her. Doesn't ignore her bad behaviour. If she wants to see her grandchild I'm sure she can give a proper apology

I never left mine to cry either so I am totally with you on that. I cant believe you left a 4 month old with someone you knew was happy to leave a baby to scream and talks about "breaking in" a baby. I mean WTF?

I also can't believe that they then refused to bring your baby back the next day. I am generally relaxed about such things but I would've lost my shit at that.

I would never leave my child with them alone again. I also wouldn't apologise.

Suicidal! The stupid, melodramatic woman needs a good slap.