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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not come to "family day" anymore

250 replies

CoatOfCharms · 03/10/2021 16:28

My Bulgarian DH has a family reunion with his extended family every year. & every year I go and have a miserable time because the language barrier makes me feel so excluded.

Of course it's understandable that they all want to spend the day catching up in their native language rather than switching to broken English for my benefit. That's fine.

But I wish DH would make more of an effort to help me to feel included. I am learning Bulgarian but languages were always hard for me and we have 2 small children that limit my time and energy.

I've said that next year he should just bring the kids and I'll spend the weekend catching up with my friends/sleep back home, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable. I think he just doesn't want to travel with the kids by himself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/10/2021 16:31

I think you could suck it up, honestly. It's one day? Even if ot were two, you can manage. If they were awful and abusive, I'd say definitely don't go, but that doesn't appear to be the case.

MzHz · 03/10/2021 16:32

It’s far better for him to take the kids and go than dragging you along!

hemhem · 03/10/2021 16:35

If you're learning Bulgarian then wouldn't it be strange to pass up an opportunity to use it in the actual country and show your kids/extended family that you've gone to the effort and learnt it?

Obviously its going to be hard until you can communicate better but if you want to feel included then speaking the language will make a huge difference so you're doing the right thing by learning, even if its difficult.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 03/10/2021 16:37

Sorry I think yabvu. It is 1 day.

Kanaloa · 03/10/2021 16:41

I’m not sure here. I can see why it would be a drag if it was every weekend but it’s just once a year. What could your DH do to make you feel more included? Perhaps he could practice the language with you at home durinf the week to help you?

Gardenlass · 03/10/2021 16:41

Wouldn't the family feel put out if you didn't go? It is a great chance to try and speak their language and they will appreciate you making the effort.

Starryskiesinthesky · 03/10/2021 16:42

I think it’s perfectly reasonable not to go. Let’s them get in with chatting in Bulgarian and let’s you do something nice with a free weekend. Why does he think you should come?

VainAbigail · 03/10/2021 16:42

I don’t think YABU to be honest.

Allthingspeaches · 03/10/2021 16:42

I think going and showing that you're happy to do so will go over very well with your husband, children and extended family. It may not be your first choice on how to spend a day but as possible have said it's a good opportunity to practise the language (I'm sure just a few phrases would be well received).

Also not sure about your DH but mine would not think to take any pictures of the DC with family members so you could also do that.

Original poster
CoatOfCharms · 03/10/2021 16:43

@hemhem

If you're learning Bulgarian then wouldn't it be strange to pass up an opportunity to use it in the actual country and show your kids/extended family that you've gone to the effort and learnt it?

Obviously its going to be hard until you can communicate better but if you want to feel included then speaking the language will make a huge difference so you're doing the right thing by learning, even if its difficult.

I'm not yet at a level where I can hold a conversation
OP posts:
Noogar · 03/10/2021 16:44

I think it's fine. He obviously just wants you there to look after the kids.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 03/10/2021 16:45

I think he just doesn't want to travel with the kids by himself.

I bet this is it.

You could tell him you will go on one condition - he ensures you are fully involved. If he agrees then fails to do so on the day then that will be the last one you attend and he will take the kids by himself from then on.

AdriannaP · 03/10/2021 16:47

Yabu
My DH doesn’t speak my language either but if he wanted to he could have learnt. Surely at this gathering there are 2-3 family members that can speak enough English to chat with you. I get it’s hard but this is your family too now and your children’s family. You can make an effort for one day. Maybe an incentive to improve your Bulgarian?

TimeForTeaAndG · 03/10/2021 16:47

Don't wait until you can hold a conversation to start using the language. When we go on holiday we make an effort to learn basics hello, thank you, etc and use them as often as we can. People are usually happy that we've made an effort.

How long have you been learning and is your DH helping at all?

DPotter · 03/10/2021 16:48

If it's just a day - I'd still go. If it's your 2 weeks holiday away - No way

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/10/2021 16:48

Every year!

No way would I go every year. He can't make you go, he can however help you learn his language.

JustLyra · 03/10/2021 16:48

Surely in the next year you’ll be able to practise enough to have a basic conversation?

It might not be the most fun day ever, but it’s one day.

SirChenjins · 03/10/2021 16:49

YANBU - it can’t be much fun for them to constantly have to stop their conversation and they’d probably enjoy the chance to catch up with him on his own. Once you’re more fluent you could join him.

CoRhona · 03/10/2021 16:50

YANBU - he can take them!

Tal45 · 03/10/2021 16:50

If you're putting yourself out for him on this could he return the favour in some way and do something you'd really like to do even if he's not that keen?

itsgettingwierd · 03/10/2021 16:50

Yabu.

It's one day a year. When you made the commitment of marriage you knew he was Bulgarian with Bulgarian speaking family.

Original poster
CoatOfCharms · 03/10/2021 16:51

@AdriannaP

Yabu My DH doesn’t speak my language either but if he wanted to he could have learnt. Surely at this gathering there are 2-3 family members that can speak enough English to chat with you. I get it’s hard but this is your family too now and your children’s family. You can make an effort for one day. Maybe an incentive to improve your Bulgarian?
But it's so obvious that those family members would rather be joining in the Bulgarian conversations than humouring some English woman they barely know. They only have this one day to catch up with each other so I feel like a burden.
OP posts:
StColumbofNavron · 03/10/2021 16:51

I can see this from both sides.

DH cannot speak my language and I literally translate ‘pass the salt’ when he is there to include him.

I can’t speak his language and he literally never ever translates and neither do his family (most of whom speak English) unless I ask or am specifically asked a question. If you have young DC then I used to find occupying myself with them made it less awkward.

I agree with many others though as it’s a one off annual event I think you should go.

Original poster
CoatOfCharms · 03/10/2021 16:55

@Disfordarkchocolate

Every year!

No way would I go every year. He can't make you go, he can however help you learn his language.

Whenever I ask him questions about Bulgarian grammar he just says he doesn't know how it works, only whether it sounds right or wrong.

I suppose most people are like that about their native language though?

OP posts:
Janaih · 03/10/2021 16:57

Yabvu. Its one day a year. How old are your kids? Does your dh speak to them in Bulgarian? If so you should have at least picked up snippets without even realising.
Learn a couple of phrases to show willing. Then just smile and nod all day.

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