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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not come to "family day" anymore

250 replies

CoatOfCharms · 03/10/2021 16:28

My Bulgarian DH has a family reunion with his extended family every year. & every year I go and have a miserable time because the language barrier makes me feel so excluded.

Of course it's understandable that they all want to spend the day catching up in their native language rather than switching to broken English for my benefit. That's fine.

But I wish DH would make more of an effort to help me to feel included. I am learning Bulgarian but languages were always hard for me and we have 2 small children that limit my time and energy.

I've said that next year he should just bring the kids and I'll spend the weekend catching up with my friends/sleep back home, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable. I think he just doesn't want to travel with the kids by himself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TintinIsBack · 04/10/2021 19:05

I’m sorry @CoatOfCharms
But I don’t think in English more than I think in French, I just think.
As a rule, if I have a conversation in my head, it’s in English, I dream in English and I struggle with some French words because … yes after 20 years of not using your language regularly you forget.

This does NOT mean I don’t need to make an effort. I still have to concentrate more if I’m on the phone, esp with accents.
I still miss stuff sometimes.
I still discover words I didn’t know (just did it today again)
And no it is still not my first language and never will be. I will always have an affinity with French that I will never have with English.

The fact you are brushing away the fact he had to make an effort as a teenager because you weren’t there so it doesn’t count is Shock

TintinIsBack · 04/10/2021 19:06

And this is in a situation where I’m the one to correct everyone’s English in our house (grammar, vocabulary etc…) btw

Cadent · 04/10/2021 19:12

No way I'd be going anymore, until I could speak the language.

Does he realise what a big deal learning his language is? There's not a lot of demand for Bulgarian, as there is for Chinese/Arabic/French/Spanish etc.

oakleydo · 04/10/2021 19:27

Oh OP! Dont go.

Ive been in this situation. Its utterly miserable

Do you just sit and smile and nod like a fool? You gain nothing out of the day and the rest of
Them dont want you there because you dont add anything to the conversation

Wazzzzzzzup · 04/10/2021 19:28

Legs and arms. I managed to have whole 5 minute discussion with my mil without saying a single word😂

Nearly47 · 04/10/2021 19:52

I've been trough that. Go. It's hard but it's important and it will help in the long run to have a stronger relationship with your husband. There is a lot of things that are non verbal and I am sure some of the relative are keen to try their English with you. That's been my experience and I'd ask to teach simple frases in their language that you can use often such as asking for things, name of dishes, etc. Build a relationship with this people. They will be in your life forever.

PurpleOkapi · 04/10/2021 19:59

As others have said, it's one day. You seem to understand how important it is for him to have the chance to catch up with his relatives and converse in his native language, so I'm sure you can see the benefit to the children, too. Even if the only reason you go is to help with the kids, is that really so awful if it means both he and the kids get to be more engaged with something important and beneficial to them?

Cadent · 04/10/2021 20:02

It's not just one day as it involves travel to Bulgaria.

Tell DH to take the kids and use the time to go where you want to go.

AdriannaP · 04/10/2021 20:09

@Cadent

No way I'd be going anymore, until I could speak the language.

Does he realise what a big deal learning his language is? There's not a lot of demand for Bulgarian, as there is for Chinese/Arabic/French/Spanish etc.

How will OP learn the language if she doesn’t go and practice?

Nothing to do with demand - half her children’s family are Bulgarian, the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc. The children are small now but if OP wants a relationship with them she should make an effort and at least learn some simple phrases. Most Europeans manage to learn 3-4 languages in their lifes but for Brits it’s seems impossible and everyone else should make an effort and speak English!

Cadent · 04/10/2021 20:11

How will OP learn the language if she doesn’t go and practice?

But that's just it. She's not getting any practice there. Her own husband won't include her, what hope for the extended relatives?

PurplePansy05 · 04/10/2021 21:48

OP, his primary language will always be Bulgarian. Just because he may occasionally forget the words and he clearly uses English more now doesn't mean it's his primary language.

NigellaSeed · 04/10/2021 22:04

I think you should go for the sake of your DC - sometimes we have to do things we'd rather not, but ditching the in-laws would send a weird vibe to your kids.

Cadent · 04/10/2021 22:06

@PurplePansy05

OP, his primary language will always be Bulgarian. Just because he may occasionally forget the words and he clearly uses English more now doesn't mean it's his primary language.
What does that mean? Do you mean it's his mother tongue? That's a bit different to primary language. When you get to the point that you no longer know/remember the words of your mother tongue, then it ceases to be your primary language.
angela99999 · 04/10/2021 22:11

I'd go if I were you, you need to push yourself to practice the language. And they may well think you're being unfriendly.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 04/10/2021 22:18

Yes YABU! It's a day. They probably don't feel confident speaking English.

Good on you for learning Bulgarian, but in the meantime my advice would be to join in as much as you can, drink wine and smile (even if you don't know what they are on about) - a warm smile is the universal language of kindness.

PurplePansy05 · 04/10/2021 22:32

Respectfully, @Cadent, it certainly doesn't. We'll have to agree to disagree on this one.

Stilsmiling · 04/10/2021 23:03

If your Oh would speak more Bulgarian to the kids and you then you would all learn it better eating that future family gatherings will be more enjoyable. Now is the time to let the kids learn it with little effort. Otherwise when the kids are older they will be at family gatherings bored silly because they don’t speak the language.
You aren’t being unreasonable, you e told your oh how you feel, he hasn’t suggested translating everything for you so maybe he needs to consider that this year you could stay at home with the kids and hopefully you all have better Bulgarian the following year.

Cadent · 05/10/2021 00:06

@PurplePansy05

Respectfully, *@Cadent*, it certainly doesn't. We'll have to agree to disagree on this one.
Well, you’ve made a convincing argument there. Not! Wink
bubblepond · 05/10/2021 00:23

I can understand this, my DH speaks 2 languages other than English. I can speak and understand his second language but not his mother tongue. When he gets together with his (large) family he tends to remember to translate for me at the beginning and then he tends to get lost in the conversation, I found this really isolating and felt very lonely around them at times in the beginning of our relationship.

My husband and I have had multiple conversations about this since, where I have explained that I need him to translate for me, or to encourage his family to help translate, and he has explained that he sometimes gets carried away in conversation and can forget to translate as frequently as he should.

Now we have a more balanced approach when we are around his family, he understands I need him to include me by translating, and I understand that I occasionally need to prompt him to translate.

Maybe try having a similar conversation with him? I don't know how close you are to your in laws but I've also been quite open with my in laws (we are close) about how it's been difficult for me with the language barrier and they said that it's hard for them too because they feel bad that I don't always understand everything going on and they can't communicate with me in as much depth as they'd like.

I hope you find a solution OP!

AdriannaP · 05/10/2021 03:02

One of my friends mum doesn’t speak English, I met her a few times when she was visiting him. I don’t speak her language but she spoke into her phone on an app (google translate) and showed me the English translation. She was very warm, friendly and smiley and we had a good chat despite not speaking each other’s language. Maybe you can find a tech solution like that Op? Honestly people will appreciate if you make an effort - it’s a party, have wine, enjoy yourself and find some cousins who want to practice their a”English with you.

AdriannaP · 05/10/2021 03:04

Should have said I think the app was google translate, not sure.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/10/2021 03:16

The 'bad at languages' argument is so poor. When you're with Europeans and they don't share a language they find a third to communicate in. Same in many other places; Kenya, or Morocco. People speak two or three as a matter of course. If not more.

The British (mostly the English actually) are so spoiled. Never having to bother. But the OP does have to bother because she married someone whose first language is not English. OP could learn more in one day in Bulgaria than a whole year of book learning. But you have to find the person who will help you, try a few phrases, recognise the odd word. Not just throw your hands up and not go.

Loujayy · 05/10/2021 07:54

It can feel like a chore when visiting the other halfs family, I get that.
However consider the longer term impact and the example you are setting your children.
As adults we are well aware of having to do things that we sometimes don't fully enjoy but such is life. Once a year, come on, you've got this. You've made an effort to learn their language keep going it WILL get easier 👍

Oreo78 · 05/10/2021 08:55

If you are trying to learn the language I recommend you go. The best way to learn a language is to be fully immersed in it.
Learn some key phrases in the language for you to use and maybe a member of the family will help you improve during the day. I think they would appreciate the effort you are making and will want to help you.

Besides if you know a second language fluently it looks great on your CV!

ClaryFairchild · 05/10/2021 09:05

In Bulgaria? And being pretty much ignored by most people while you're there while they chat away in Bulgarian?

Give 1 year a miss and see how your DH goes (if you really can handle being away from your DC for that time?!) I agree with others that he wants you there to look after the DC - it won't be anywhere near as much fun for him if he has to put some effort in for them, and with them not speaking Bulgarian he will have to.

But - a way of speeding up your learning process. A lot of DVDs have Bulgarian as one of the language options. Choose a movie, put it on in Bulgarian with English subtitles and you'll pick up more language. To really challenge yourself leave the English subtitles off, but make sure it's a movie you know well so you have an idea if what's happening!

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