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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not come to "family day" anymore

250 replies

CoatOfCharms · 03/10/2021 16:28

My Bulgarian DH has a family reunion with his extended family every year. & every year I go and have a miserable time because the language barrier makes me feel so excluded.

Of course it's understandable that they all want to spend the day catching up in their native language rather than switching to broken English for my benefit. That's fine.

But I wish DH would make more of an effort to help me to feel included. I am learning Bulgarian but languages were always hard for me and we have 2 small children that limit my time and energy.

I've said that next year he should just bring the kids and I'll spend the weekend catching up with my friends/sleep back home, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable. I think he just doesn't want to travel with the kids by himself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bbq1 · 03/10/2021 18:35

Are your kids bilingual, Op?

PartyStory · 03/10/2021 18:37

I’m wondering how all the people in the world who have learnt english, the immigrants in the U.K. but all the hotel staff abroad, plane crews etc etc have ever managed to learn English. It’s a miracle inst it seeing how hard it is to learn a foreign language?
But still they did,

So why is it harder for English people to learn a foreign language ???

Because they have with have likely learned the basics at school fairly young and learned more through consuming lots of English media. Some will have gone to language schools specifically to improve. I know some people do teach themselves a language but also requires a lot of time and regular input.

Language teaching in the UK is terrible and starts too late. There are also fewer language schools. In other big cities around the world it is common to see signs for them and learning English is a common hobby. There's also a different mentality and no one set useful language equivalent to English worldwide.

AnnaMagnani · 03/10/2021 18:39

Are your children going to end up speaking Bulgarian? Everyone is assuming they will pick it up in seconds but my experience was of total failure to pick up my DM's language bar a few phrases.

My DF used to go every other year to my DM's country but he would be stuck with the non-English speakers for a lot longer than a day! He did learn the language but TBH not much and I don't really recall him ever speaking it.

So in a few years it might be you and the children milling about together on family day understanding the odd word here and there. It's important the children experience the culture, and I enjoyed spending time with my cousins but language, not guaranteed - they are going to need you there.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 03/10/2021 18:40

Her DCs will also speak fluent English, don't be ridiculous.

godmum56 · 03/10/2021 18:41

I think if it was me, I'd do something different. I'd be saying to DH that its fine....you understand that he wants the children to know their relis and he wants to catch up but mostly for you its taking care of the kids and work rather than pleasure.....now that's fine, its what partners do for each other but you want him to have the kids for a different weekend so you can go away and do something you want to do as quid pro quo....because that's what partners do for each other

HarrisonStickle · 03/10/2021 18:44

I think it would be a real shame if your children grow up being unable to speak the language of their father's family, so please make the effort for them. Get some children's books in Bulgarian and learn together.

XingMing · 03/10/2021 18:44

I'm with missyb1, how did you manage to get as far as marriage without being able to talk?

Wazzzzzzzup · 03/10/2021 18:48

@XingMing

I'm with missyb1, how did you manage to get as far as marriage without being able to talk?
People can often use 3rd language. A common one. There is lots of us who don't speak either of native languages but speak 3rd common one.
WildfirePonie · 03/10/2021 18:48

YANBU.

Sounds like DH wants you there to manage the children whilst he has a fab time!

Just tell him you can't go, he can't make you.

MrsColon · 03/10/2021 18:49

You have my every sympathy - DH is Hungarian, I also struggle! I'm learning, and getting better, but I also have a pre-schooler and a full time job so it tough.

I use the time there to listen to the language (which has helped a lot) and look after DS so that DH can socialise. It's not fun for me, but I do it for him.

However - he is very grateful and always tells me how much he appreciates me doing that. And I get time to myself when he takes DS to Hungary for a "Daddy and DS" weekend a couple of times a year (he also goes alone a couple of times, and we go together at least twice a year).

IsThePopeCatholic · 03/10/2021 18:50

You should go. Family is important.

StripeyDeckchair · 03/10/2021 18:51

I'm married to someone from another European country so understand the issue here. When we had children (I already had twins when we met) we went & lived in his country for 3 years.
It was tough for me but all 4 of the children speak the language fluently. We use it as our home language and visit several times a year, including an extended family holiday in the summer.
It's worth the effort, but OMG it is an effort.

My MIL, once she "got" why this was so important has been hugely supportive and makes sure I'm up to date with current slang & swear words!

MrsColon · 03/10/2021 18:54

Also: if you want your DC to grow up bilingual, use the OPOL approach (the only one that works if you don't live in the country of the 2nd language). Your DH will need to always speak Bulgarian to the DC, no matter where he is or who he's with. It's hard going at first but becomes natural after 6 months or so.

We did that, DS at 4 understands everything in Hungarian, and is able to speak it (but sometimes chooses not to). When we're in Hungary he speaks Hungarian no problem.

burnoutbabe · 03/10/2021 18:55

I think you should go and attend the party for a few hours. Let people see the kids then head back to hotel as they are tired /need naps etc.

No need to be there the whole day surely?

grapewine · 03/10/2021 18:57

My MIL, once she "got" why this was so important has been hugely supportive and makes sure I'm up to date with current slang & swear words!

Grin Grin

lescompagnonsdeloue · 03/10/2021 18:57

@TintinIsBack

I think you should learn the language pretty ish. Sorry.

Ys it’s easier to say your not going. But how are you going to deal with he following 20 years when your dcs will go to spend time with their dad side fo the family and you will be left at home on your own?
How will you cope when they talk Bulgarian to their dad and you can’t understand ?
When they will talk Bulgarian together and you can’t follow? (And believe me children pick up on that sharp ish and will use it against you)

FWIW same situation here.
DH has always said that when he was at school, he lasted French (my mother tongue). Nearly 20 years on and he is still missing out on the conversation I have with the dcs around the dinner table. I would never have wanted to be in that position tbh.

I think most of this is rubbish. Firstly the kids may well not learn to speak the language if it is just their dad speaking it, and though I don't hope that that is the case, of course, it's certainly not a reason not to speak the language. But really, where I think that you have it wrong, is thinking that it is possible for the OP to reach a level in Bulgarian where she will sit round the table with her kids and follow a conversation in Bulgarian. My husband speaks amazing English, he'd be considered really good by lots of people's standards, but he often doesn't understand what we are talking about if it is me and the kids speaking English. He just misses stuff. He gets a lot, but not all of it. And yet most people in the UK would say he speaks good English, because he does.
lescompagnonsdeloue · 03/10/2021 18:59

@MrsColon

Also: if you want your DC to grow up bilingual, use the OPOL approach (the only one that works if you don't live in the country of the 2nd language). Your DH will need to always speak Bulgarian to the DC, no matter where he is or who he's with. It's hard going at first but becomes natural after 6 months or so.

We did that, DS at 4 understands everything in Hungarian, and is able to speak it (but sometimes chooses not to). When we're in Hungary he speaks Hungarian no problem.

OPOL doesn't always work, I have an example in my family and yet they did it religiously. The mum doesn't understand the dad's native language, so the kids never answered in it. They don't speak it now. It's been very sad for the grandparents.
lescompagnonsdeloue · 03/10/2021 19:01

@XingMing

I'm with missyb1, how did you manage to get as far as marriage without being able to talk?
That's an odd question, do you really know nobody who is in a relationship with somebody where neither speak in their first language? I wouldn't have thought it was that unusual. I know quite a few people like that.
AlexaShutUp · 03/10/2021 19:08

I agree @lescompagnonsdeloue. I know plenty of people who communicate with their spouse in a common third language. Tbh, DH and I often use the language of the country in which we met, even though we do both speak each other's mother tongues as well.

Some people must inhabit very small worlds if they are unable to conceive of such simple concepts!Confused

In4mation · 03/10/2021 19:10

I’d just take my phone and read mumsnet but make it obvious that if anyone makes the effort to talk to you, then you will be happy to do so.

As the kids get older you’ll be playing with them and their toys anyway.

Wazzzzzzzup · 03/10/2021 19:13

@lescompagnonsdeloue and @AlexaShutUp exactly. It's incredibly common.

At leaat when i swear under my breath he has no idea😂 and vice versa

Username817391920384747 · 03/10/2021 19:14

Yabu. Not going is going to make your relationship with them even worse. I am in your shoes and don’t speak the same language as my husbands family, however, on the occasions I do have to be in their presence I suck it up.

Username817391920384747 · 03/10/2021 19:17

Although I must say, my husband does try hard to translate conversations with me and there are members in his family who do speak English. Have a word with him and tell him if he isn’t going to make an effort to include you in conversations or try and translate at times, you don’t feel comfortable going.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2021 19:17

@TintinIsBack

As for your partner not being good at explaining things, mine is like that too

That’s because explaining your own language is very hard.
Try to explain English to someone who doesn’t speak and you’ll see where the issue is.

Exactly. Also, try teaching English phonics to a kid when you're not a teacher. So much of it is just because it is.
SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2021 19:22

How long are you in Bulgaria for each time op?

How many years have you been going to these things?