To not come to "family day" anymore

[CoatOfCharms]

My Bulgarian DH has a family reunion with his extended family every year. & every year I go and have a miserable time because the language barrier makes me feel so excluded.

Of course it's understandable that they all want to spend the day catching up in their native language rather than switching to broken English for my benefit. That's fine.

But I wish DH would make more of an effort to help me to feel included. I am learning Bulgarian but languages were always hard for me and we have 2 small children that limit my time and energy.

I've said that next year he should just bring the kids and I'll spend the weekend catching up with my friends/sleep back home, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable. I think he just doesn't want to travel with the kids by himself.

AIBU?

I get that learning languages is hard for some, but it’s only once a year and you did choose to marry someone who has a different native tongue. Surely you could practice a few conversational phrases a day with him so that you could interact properly with his family?

@StColumbofNavron

I can see this from both sides.

DH cannot speak my language and I literally translate ‘pass the salt’ when he is there to include him.

I can’t speak his language and he literally never ever translates and neither do his family (most of whom speak English) unless I ask or am specifically asked a question. If you have young DC then I used to find occupying myself with them made it less awkward.

I agree with many others though as it’s a one off annual event I think you should go.

Eh? You are married and neither of you speaks or understands the other’s language? How does that work?

@Janaih

Yabvu. Its one day a year. How old are your kids? Does your dh speak to them in Bulgarian? If so you should have at least picked up snippets without even realising. Learn a couple of phrases to show willing. Then just smile and nod all day.

They're only 1 and 2, so barely speaking English right now. I do encourage him to speak to them in Bulgarian but I'm the primary caregiver and he works long hours, so they're not exposed to much of it at all.

Once a month - yanbu at all

Once a year? Suck it up

Who are these extended family & does he only see them once a year?

If you make an effort with people he sees regularly then I can't see a problem tbh.

I have rellies that I don't see often & if we decided on an annual meet up I wouldn't expect my OH to go.

It is a good chance to practice language if you want to learn though. I've had to be in social situations where I've had very little language but been learning. I found it helps to learn basic greetings and find a sympathetic person to sit with. And take some photos to show - can learn or practice words that way eg " my mother", " my sister" etc.

It is stressful at first, yes, but can be fun and rewarding.

Also if there are kids there - spend time with them. Ask questions eg " what's that". I've learned all sorts of words from kids this way.

And I learned simple instructions eg " come here", "sit down" and used them when speaking to my own kids in these situations.

Just some suggestions that might make it easier and useful instead of a burden for you.

I don’t think you should have to go.
Especially as no-one is bothered about making an effort and you only see them once a year, it’s not as if you’re missing out on making good friendships.

Does your DH ever take the DC anywhere on his own?

I really think you should suck it up and tbh make more of an effort - it's his family and it's only one day.

Watch childrenstv in Bulgarian with the children for a year. Next year will e easier.

Sounds like festivals I attended as a child - except it was like 3 days per year. My parents didn’t teach me their language. Fortunately some of my cousins did speak English. I would still make an effort to go if I lived in that part of the world though. It’s like a v short time and someone being there to look after the kids might help your DH catch up with his relatives (my DH does this when I go and see my family).

@MissyB1
They both speak English.

Yabvu, one day a year is fine (if it was once a month I would be more understanding to you)

What % of the year do you spend with your ILs? How will you develop a relationship with them and your DC's DGPs if you stay at home? Do you expect your DP to make any effort with your priorities by excusing it with 'he speaks better English than I speak Hungarian'? TBF, Hungarian is relatively difficult to learn but your stretch that 'They'll enjoy speaking Hungarian more than broken English to me' seems to have you deciding their preferences then using this as a reason to make no effort for what would be a few% of a year, depending on whether it's a matter of days/a week or a fortnight that's in question?

It's once a year, and, presumably, you'll be better able to communicate by the next meetup. Unless you excuse your husband from interacting with your family entirely, you should suck this up.

I'm horrific at languages but I do think I'm 3 years you could have googled and learn how to say some basic stock phrases so it looks like you're making an effort.

Is the meet up in Bulgaria? Do his parents not live here either?

Learn a couple of phrases to show willing. Then just smile and nod all day.

If you can say a few simple phrases it will show you are not unfriendly.
Mostly, you can occupy yourself with the kids, so that your DH can have a good time with his family.
Wouldn't you be willing to do that?

Do you go to Bulgaria for this, and have a holiday as well?
Or does he meet his relatives in the UK?

I also think you should go. It’s one week a year. I’m fluent in dhs language. But I wasn’t until I lived there - where we met. And we also moved somewhere else for a few years and I learned the language there too.

I get the family isn’t interacting with you much. Perhaps a few words and phrases will break the ice and they will talk more, perhaps in English and your dh should be translating more. Good suggestion to watch tv with your kids. Wish I’d done that with dd for her benefit but it didn’t occur to me…

We both speak English!

Once a year? I’d go, smile and nod. Surely if you have young children you struggle to hold down a conversation regardless for much of the time.

Whoops I thought I’d hit reply @MissyB1

Is there also family pressure to attend? Both mine and DH’s cultural norms mean people would be offended if we didn’t go, which might also play into it. Of course, that might not apply at all.

I think I’d go and just view myself as being in charge of the kids for the day so my husband could spend quality time with his family. But then I’d hope for some kind of payback! 🤣

Once a year you absolutely should suck it up and go

It's only once a year so I think you should suck it up.

If you played some games, used flash cards or something with the kids over the next year you could pick up quite a bit.

Is the get together in Bulgaria?

It's one day a year - I'd go tbh. Learn a little bunch of polite, friendly phrases to be going on with while you're not yet at conversational level. How are you going about learning Bulgarian btw?