To not come to "family day" anymore

[CoatOfCharms]

My Bulgarian DH has a family reunion with his extended family every year. & every year I go and have a miserable time because the language barrier makes me feel so excluded.

Of course it's understandable that they all want to spend the day catching up in their native language rather than switching to broken English for my benefit. That's fine.

But I wish DH would make more of an effort to help me to feel included. I am learning Bulgarian but languages were always hard for me and we have 2 small children that limit my time and energy.

I've said that next year he should just bring the kids and I'll spend the weekend catching up with my friends/sleep back home, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable. I think he just doesn't want to travel with the kids by himself.

AIBU?

@itsallgoingpearshaped Thank you! So many people here are saying I should just try harder to learn Bulgarian but I'm already spending 3 hours a week on it and it's just not sticking because the rest of my life is in English. I'm a busy mum with two tiny children, I am doing what I can to learn it but it's not coming naturally to me and I'm just not comfortable going up to strangers trying to speak their language when I don't understand what they say back. I know it's silly but that's so embarrassing to me!

How long have yo u been together op? Is it in Bulgaria and they all live there?

Can't you just read a book or watch a box set while you are there?

Not when there are two small children and OP's the default parent for the day.

(And even if that wasn't the case. I can see how a book or a box set would look rude. The DCs are actually a better reason if she's going to go.)

Good god, how petty. It's once a YEAR. Just bloody go.

I can't understand why the British are so bad at languages.

If you are in a cross-cultural marriage, then basically you have to do more socializing in the other culture than you would ordinarily do, and you can't expect at a family get-together them to speak English in a way that say if one friend came here (UK) to visit and you went out to dinner, you would all speak English.

I think one weekend a year in the other country is not a lot, and a lot of communication is willingness and head-nodding and smiling, and saying the odd phrase. You don't need to have long conversations to be supportive and appear there as the mother of the kids. If you want your kids to learn it, it's also better for you to be supportive of this rather than just duck out.

It's one day a year as far as I can see, so I would just get on with it. Also, more young people speak English even in Bulgaria/Poland these days, and so the younger generation may be really keen to speak with you, even if the older relatives can't, as they don't speak English (it's not the second language there).

I wouldn’t go.

You’ve been going every year and feel miserable.

Your DH can go and take the kids and everyone can be happy.

You can go occasionally if you want. But I’d not bother either, you’ve tried, they want to spend time catching up, you feel left out and don’t want to keep doing it.
Don’t go & your DH going with the kids is the best solution.

Refuse this year. You can see how you feel next year.

I know you are not in Poland, I'm just saying there's a marked interest in English in these countries which there wasn't 20 years ago, obviously due to exposure to films, American culture and so on.

YABU. You knew what you were signing up for when you married someone who doesn’t speak English. I’m mixed race. My grandma isn’t fluent in the English language. My mum is fluent in 2 languages, but my dad isn’t. We all make the effort to learn languages and communicate. We have a great time hanging around as a family.

They're only 1 and 2, so barely speaking English right now. I do encourage him to speak to them in Bulgarian but I'm the primary caregiver and he works long hours, so they're not exposed to much of it at all.

So let them watch kids shows on tv/youtube, listen to songs and nursery rhymes etc. It’s their chance to learn a second language, you need to help them out with it. It’s a huge advantage. Don’t make excuses.

@TheOpenRoad

I also have a Bulgarian DH so I have first hand experience of endless evenings and family days and holidays where nobody speaks to me. Like you, my DH makes little effort to include me. Over the years this has really grated and worn me down. So many occasions of theoretically being welcomed but then more or less excluded becomes soul-destroying and very, very lonely in the end.

I'm also a foreigner and I can honestly say that none of my friends or family behave the same way around my DH, we would never spend the day speaking in our native language. It's definitely a Bulgarian thing, I feel very excluded even after 10 years of marriage.

You're doing the right thing by staying behind and taking some time for yourself.

I'm glad someone understands. Thank you.

OP, honestly the discomfort is only in your head, you sound quite self-conscious. I am sure your DH and his extended family will appreciate a) you being there and b) you trying to speak their language, even if it's just a few words for now. It's respectful and polite and I am sure they will support you and if any of them speak any English, they will reciprocate that. It is an effort on both parts, but once your Bulgarian become conversational, the whole new world will open to you. I think I'd be upset if I were your DH and you chose to skip an annual get together. My DH uses similar arguments to you and I find it upsetting and borderline lazy/disrespectful - although not saying this is the same with you. I think you need to believe in yourself a bit more and certainly use both languages at home more, with your DCs as well. Otherwise as you say, it will be difficult for you if learning new language doesn't come easily to you. Best of luck xx

Well, I think you should go but I think you should approach it with - what can I do to make it more fun?

Eg: Stay at a fancier hotel and have a massage.

Pay for an upgrade for yourself on the plane and leave your DH in economy with the children

Make yourself a reward chart - for two hours - new earrings. for five hours - new shoes until when you make it to the end you have rewarded yourself a new outfit.

Take the game dobble because it’s quite visual and ask some of the other children to play.

Take some friendship bracelet supplies and try and get some of the girls to make them with you. They are visual and rely less on language but will be a way for you to connect and I always find it a bit easier with the children.

Make sure you have nice things prepped for when you get home eg favourite chocolates, snuggly socks

I do understand it’s a bit pants really but it’s one day, and it’s part of having a husband from a different country/culture.

Ach, look, there will be other family days. You don't have to go. Sure, it'd be lovely if you went, had a great time, enjoyed yourself, but that's not what happens is it? But you must admit, it's going to be hard for DH to relax at his family day with 2 very small kids in another country. So maybe, you go till the kids are a bit more independent? Or go to Bulgaria and sight see while he does family day? Just till the kids don't need nappies and buggies and shit?

I know what people are going to say, why should he need you, he should be capable of travelling with his own children, on his own, but I wouldn't find that relaxing either!

It's shit that he doesn't include you. Proper shit. And I'd be reluctant to go too.

Make yourself a reward chart - for two hours - new earrings. for five hours - new shoes until when you make it to the end you have rewarded yourself a new outfit.

I know you mean well but if I found out my DH has been rewarding himself for time spent with my family he would be an ex

YANBU. I can understand a bit of my partner's language but only speak very little. No one wants to spend all day having a broken conversation with me, nor do I with them, especially if they came for a family catch up.

Language learning is more difficult that just picking up some phrases and trying to join in or forcing yourself to only speak that language. I wish people would stop downplaying how hard it can be, especially for something like Bulgarian which is a different language family from English. Learning a language requires a strict study routine and forcing yourself outside of your comfort zone. That's not always possible for everyone and having a lot of bad experiences can really knock your confidence in the language.

As for your partner not being good at explaining things, mine is like that too. I think of him just as a language calculator. He can tell me if something is right or wrong but not why. I found taking weekly half hour lessons with a qualified teacher and then doing lots of flashcards of vocab by frequency helped me make huge jumps. As my abilities improved, I took longer and more frequent lessons.

I would suggest taking a book with you to the meet up or requesting that you do something together that doesn't require too much talking, such as a BBQ with lots of garden games. If that isn't possible then just sit it out until you feel more comfortable with the language.

I think you should learn the language pretty ish. Sorry.

Ys it’s easier to say your not going. But how are you going to deal with he following 20 years when your dcs will go to spend time with their dad side fo the family and you will be left at home on your own?
How will you cope when they talk Bulgarian to their dad and you can’t understand ?
When they will talk Bulgarian together and you can’t follow? (And believe me children pick up on that sharp ish and will use it against you)

FWIW same situation here.
DH has always said that when he was at school, he lasted French (my mother tongue). Nearly 20 years on and he is still missing out on the conversation I have with the dcs around the dinner table. I would never have wanted to be in that position tbh.

As for your partner not being good at explaining things, mine is like that too

That’s because explaining your own language is very hard.
Try to explain English to someone who doesn’t speak and you’ll see where the issue is.

Some people don't pick up languages very well and the OP has two small DC on her hands. However, once you gain a bit more confidence in Bulgarian the best thing to improve it further is to actually spend some serious time there so you are surrounded by the language, forced to tune in and use it in every day situations. Do you go over there for longer trips sometimes? It sounds like the family get together is an intense event where you may feel a bit side-lined even if you do have more lingo!

I also think it's important that your DC understand the language and culture of their father as they grow up. Young children soak up language and contrary to what some people think it does not confuse them or delay their English language development so encourage your DH to engage them in Bulgarian as much as possible.

Learning a language requires a strict study routine and forcing yourself outside of your comfort zone. That's not always possible for everyone and having a lot of bad experiences can really knock your confidence in the language.

I’m wondering how all the people in the world who have learnt english, the immigrants in the U.K. but all the hotel staff abroad, plane crews etc etc have ever managed to learn English. It’s a miracle inst it seeing how hard it is to learn a foreign language?
But still they did,

So why is it harder for English people to learn a foreign language ???

I agree with most. I think YABU.
It is one day in a year.
Of course you should go, and - whereas I accept it won't be the most fun 6 hours - accept that sometimes we do things for our spouses and for family that might not be the greatest fun, but it is part of life, having chosen to marry someone whose first language is different from your own.
I don't think a few hours once a year is too much to facilitate your dh's relationship with extended family and your 2 dcs' relationships with their extended family.

@TheOpenRoad Maybe over the years you could have learnt conversational Bulgarian, eh?

FWIW, @CoatOfCharms, at the beginning, I tried hard to include DH.
I was translating all the time, explaining what was going on etc etc

Again, if you’ve ever tried to do that, you’ll know that it breaks the flow. It’s not an issue of not bothering to include you. It’s the fact it’s making everything hard work for everyone in the room. It’s the fact that it’s not manageable to do it all the time or long term.
And then on the top of it, even though I tried m best to include DH, he was still feeling left out and isolated.
What else was I supposed to do? Expect all my relatives, regardless of whether they spoke/broken English to only speak English for his sake?

[quote CoatOfCharms]@itsallgoingpearshaped Thank you! So many people here are saying I should just try harder to learn Bulgarian but I'm already spending 3 hours a week on it and it's just not sticking because the rest of my life is in English. I'm a busy mum with two tiny children, I am doing what I can to learn it but it's not coming naturally to me and I'm just not comfortable going up to strangers trying to speak their language when I don't understand what they say back. I know it's silly but that's so embarrassing to me! [/quote]
How are you going to cope with your own dc speaking Bulgarian fluently and you can’t?

I've read every post and most people think IAMU, so yeah ok I'll take that on board. I'm not totally ruling out coming next year. & I need to get out of my comfort zone and try harder to practise my broken Bulgarian. I will also suggest to my DH that he does something for me in return. Thanks everyone!