To not come to "family day" anymore

[CoatOfCharms]

My Bulgarian DH has a family reunion with his extended family every year. & every year I go and have a miserable time because the language barrier makes me feel so excluded.

Of course it's understandable that they all want to spend the day catching up in their native language rather than switching to broken English for my benefit. That's fine.

But I wish DH would make more of an effort to help me to feel included. I am learning Bulgarian but languages were always hard for me and we have 2 small children that limit my time and energy.

I've said that next year he should just bring the kids and I'll spend the weekend catching up with my friends/sleep back home, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable. I think he just doesn't want to travel with the kids by himself.

AIBU?

Yabu. Get talking to him in Bulgarian every night for practice. It's one day.

You need to learn Bulgarian.

@ClaryFairchild

In Bulgaria? And being pretty much ignored by most people while you're there while they chat away in Bulgarian?

Give 1 year a miss and see how your DH goes (if you really can handle being away from your DC for that time?!) I agree with others that he wants you there to look after the DC - it won't be anywhere near as much fun for him if he has to put some effort in for them, and with them not speaking Bulgarian he will have to.

But - a way of speeding up your learning process. A lot of DVDs have Bulgarian as one of the language options. Choose a movie, put it on in Bulgarian with English subtitles and you'll pick up more language. To really challenge yourself leave the English subtitles off, but make sure it's a movie you know well so you have an idea if what's happening!

Why would you assume that he just wants you there to look after the children? It's quite normal to want your children to spend time with your family.

I agree entirely it is just about not having to look after the children on his own. YOu are not unreasonable at all. It sounds painful.

I agree with the suggestion that you stste how uncomfortable you feel, you don't want to go - unless, some real effort is made to engage you more in conversation. If not possible yet due to the language barrier then at this stage, absolutely don't go if you don't want to. Say you will be happy to when your Bulgarian is better.

Sorry but you need to suck it up. You married a foreigner with a different mother tongue and that comes with certain responsibilities, even more so if you have kids.

Presumably your DH lives in the UK and speaks to you in your mother tongue, so he’s already meeting you way more than halfway. Yet you’re moaning about spending a short trip in Bulgaria with your kid’s flesh & blood because they can only speak to you in ‘broken’ English and prefer speaking in their native language to one another? Seriously, have a word with yourself.

I speak from experience, btw. My DH is French and I had years of this before I became fluent.

OP if you're struggling learning it because of having 2 young children, have you tried using the time with them to help? Presumably you'll both want them to have both languages so children's songs cartoons and things in Bulgarian will be absorbed by them and help your ear for it.

I'd probably go but then again I don't think my DH would mind if I didn't want to either

Get on Duolingo and learn quicker. It takes 15mins a day. You have 15 mins a day. That’s nearly 100h a year. You can learn to hold a simple conversation in 100h. You can do another 15m of preparing conversations with your husband too.
Hello
How are you
I’m fine thanks
The kids have grown
Yes
No
I’m learning Bulgarian but I haven’t got very far… how is your English?
I’ll have a wine please.

Then you go off and play with the kids while your husband gets to catch up with his family, knowing that you are all together and you have made a small effort to do something that makes him happy. It’s a really small sacrifice to make for your husband.

I realise I sound like a 1950s housewife but if it were reversed I would say the same thing.

I don’t like my husbands family at all. We are different fish altogether. A family reunion is excruciatingly painful for me. I feel judged as a posh and elite, bleeding heart liberal remoaner. But I keep my mouth shut, smile and make small talk about the kids and jobs and divorces and people’s health. It’s once a year and yes I could say ‘you go I’ll head to London and do something I like doing and meet you after’ but it’s a small sacrifice that makes my husband happy and I love him so I sacrifice for his happiness.
He isn’t enamoured with having to spend evenings with those of my friends he doesn’t like so much, but he does it to make me happy.

Suck it up and go. Being outside your comfort zone is good for you.

To be fair to the OP Bulgarian isn't an easy language to learn. It has a completely different alphabet for a start. So you can learn phonetically and by copying what people say but you can't even learn properly through reading until you have learned the alphabet. And just to fuck with you the letters are all mixed up. So a H is an N, an M is a T, a P is an R, an R is a G. Its not like just learning a bit of Spanish for your 'olidays

@Tobchette

To be fair to the OP Bulgarian isn't an easy language to learn. It has a completely different alphabet for a start. So you can learn phonetically and by copying what people say but you can't even learn properly through reading until you have learned the alphabet. And just to fuck with you the letters are all mixed up. So a H is an N, an M is a T, a P is an R, an R is a G. Its not like just learning a bit of Spanish for your 'olidays

Lots of languages are difficult. No it's not like learning a bit of Spanish for your holidays! It's more like learning the language of the person you married.

@Bitofachinwag I know. I learned Bulgarian for my own husband. Really shit Bulgarian and I've been trying for years. It's not something that can be achieved by just showing up to family events or going on duo lingo. It's super hard. And I speak two other European languages fluently and have a languages degree.
I understand more than my dhs relatives think though. That's why I said in my previous post that op is probably lucky she doesn't understand what is being said. My in-laws have quite vicious tongues.
Being married to someone doesn't make a language easier to learn. Sometimes the incentive is even lower. You can rely on your partner to do everything for you. People speak directly to your partner to translate rather than try to help you learn. And you have to be prepared to make a fool out of yourself in front of your partner while you are learning and trying to talk like a small child. I remember my dh was on the floor almost peeing himself at the way I tried to pronounce the word fridge.

why not have a day a week at home where the rule is that only bulgarian is spoken? your husband would then have to teach you and the kids. get him to stickers around the house with the pronounciation of items on it, etc. then practise using google translate, you could even show willing by answering phone calls from him only speaking in bulgarian.

i have a friend who lives in bulgaria, and we talk a lot, at first i would translate what i was saying, until he told me one day he would prefare it if i just spoke english as he was trying to learn, hes actually very good at it! ok most of our conversations are written ones, but its a start. and even if it meant going with a well rehearsed few lines wrote down to say things such as nice to meet you, etc etc even one saying your trying to learn bulgarian but finding it very hard, that would be a start, you never know you might get more help from them than your husband

If you're really committed to learning Bulgarian this annual family reunion should be an opportunity for you.

Probably too manic to do actual learning. You should be going to a professional language tutor and supplementing with free apps like Duolingo - you say you're spending three hours a week on Bulgarian so I assume you do these things?

But if you're learning three times a week you should come on leaps and bounds in the space of a year, maybe not enough to hold a fluent conversation but every time you go to this reunion you should be able to tell how much better you are.

Plus surely there are relatives there who want to practice their English with you? You might feel left out when everyone's bantering at the dinner table (no two ways around this, you'll have to just grin and bear it) but there must be quieter times when you can have some one-to-one time with some of the relatives.

Do you chat much with them outside this one day? If there's a relative or two you have something in common with or who wants to improve their English you could video call them once a fortnight to practice each other's languages. Or you could start Whatsapping them - I find it easier to communicate in writing in a different language because I have more time to think about the words and grammar.

To be fair to the OP Bulgarian isn't an easy language to learn. It has a completely different alphabet for a start. So you can learn phonetically and by copying what people say but you can't even learn properly through reading until you have learned the alphabet. And just to fuck with you the letters are all mixed up. So a H is an N, an M is a T, a P is an R, an R is a G. Its not like just learning a bit of Spanish for your 'olidays

When I learned Russian (same alphabet as Bulgarian) I assumed learning the alphabet would be the biggest barrier. I was most displeased to find it was actually the easiest aspect of the language.

@gannett

If you're really committed to learning Bulgarian this annual family reunion should be an opportunity for you.

Probably too manic to do actual learning. You should be going to a professional language tutor and supplementing with free apps like Duolingo - you say you're spending three hours a week on Bulgarian so I assume you do these things?

But if you're learning three times a week you should come on leaps and bounds in the space of a year, maybe not enough to hold a fluent conversation but every time you go to this reunion you should be able to tell how much better you are.

Plus surely there are relatives there who want to practice their English with you? You might feel left out when everyone's bantering at the dinner table (no two ways around this, you'll have to just grin and bear it) but there must be quieter times when you can have some one-to-one time with some of the relatives.

Do you chat much with them outside this one day? If there's a relative or two you have something in common with or who wants to improve their English you could video call them once a fortnight to practice each other's languages. Or you could start Whatsapping them - I find it easier to communicate in writing in a different language because I have more time to think about the words and grammar.

To be fair to the OP Bulgarian isn't an easy language to learn. It has a completely different alphabet for a start. So you can learn phonetically and by copying what people say but you can't even learn properly through reading until you have learned the alphabet. And just to fuck with you the letters are all mixed up. So a H is an N, an M is a T, a P is an R, an R is a G. Its not like just learning a bit of Spanish for your 'olidays

When I learned Russian (same alphabet as Bulgarian) I assumed learning the alphabet would be the biggest barrier. I was most displeased to find it was actually the easiest aspect of the language.

hahah yes, i know it well, we even laugh about how my name is written of X3opa meaning dawn. now how you pronouce that i havent got a clue. i can count to 10 and say please and thankyou, im going to get my friend to help me learn tho, he has been busy with his shop over the summer months as he sell electric trikes, so fingers crossed he can help me, which would help once we are allowed to travel again to bulgaria as they arent currently allowing visitors into the country.

perhaps you could find out if there are any bulgarian community around your home area? and see if they meet up regularly that might also hep get you speaking a conversational style easier?

@NigellaSeed

I think you should go for the sake of your DC - sometimes we have to do things we'd rather not, but ditching the in-laws would send a weird vibe to your kids.

Normally, I'm all for living your own life and not letting in laws pressurise you and I also sympathise, there is often nothing more dreary than being an outsider in a large group of someone else's relatives who are only concerned with each other,

but I Agree with Nigella. Its for the DC. Hard work but you might be glad you did it in the future.

Also, it might be very hard for DH to really catch up with his family with a 1 and 2 year old in tow. I don't like the suggestions which say he should take the DC and wrangle them on his own on the journey - that almost sounds like people relish the idea as a punishment that he should go through for wanting to go to this once a year reunion.

Is there a compromise? My DC would have quickly gone nuts in that situation at that age, being cooped up in a room of chatterers all day.

You and the DC could come and say hello to everyone and they to you and then you could take DC out for a nice outing? or just a break, whilst your DH gets a chance to catch up with everyone.
That would probably spare both sides the strain and would make it more friendly and relaxed for the DC.
Do you have a bit of a holiday either side whilst you are there where DH gets some time to really get involved with the DC? and you can have a nice spa day somewhere as a" reward"? Maybe you could go with one of DH's friendlier cousins and get to know or or two of them on a one to one basis, which might be easier in a smaller setting.

@smoshbambi

They're only 1 and 2, so barely speaking English right now. I do encourage him to speak to them in Bulgarian but I'm the primary caregiver and he works long hours, so they're not exposed to much of it at all.

So let them watch kids shows on tv/youtube, listen to songs and nursery rhymes etc. It’s their chance to learn a second language, you need to help them out with it. It’s a huge advantage. Don’t make excuses.

TV/Youtube is a good idea - but to be honest I think most of the responsibility for helping them with Bulgarian should be on their dad. We are a bilingual family (actually trilingual but thats another story) and I was specifically advised to only speak one language to the children. So e.g. I speak English to them, their father only French. That way they learn a good version of the language (rather than my heavily accented French) and are able to keep the 2 languages as seperate in their heads. Now they are older it matters less - but it means that they can switch from fluent English to fluent French to fluent Dutch in seconds without confusing words or grammer. I am not stealth boasting - its a result of the environment they grew up in (though I am jealous). But if the DP wants them to be fluent in Bulgarian he really needs to make the effort to speak to them in Bulgarian - even if he is not the primary carer. I suspect this might come less naturally to fathers than mothers. I really struggle to talk to babies/toddlers in any other language than my native tongue even though this I have no problem with older children/adults. Whereas my child's dad was fairly hands on but had to be constantly reminded to speak to the baby/toddler in your language if you want it to speak it later.

I think it's the father's responsibility to ensure his kids speak Bulgarian, if it's important to him or that they form bonds with his family. I don't consider any of that to be the OPs job. If her partner was willing to actively help her then I'd say fair enough, but if he's just leaving her to it and also not ensuring that she feels comfortable at the family gathering then why should she make more effort than him?

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I think it's the father's responsibility to ensure his kids speak Bulgarian, if it's important to him or that they form bonds with his family. I don't consider any of that to be the OPs job. If her partner was willing to actively help her then I'd say fair enough, but if he's just leaving her to it and also not ensuring that she feels comfortable at the family gathering then why should she make more effort than him?

Agreed 💯

The guilt tripping of OP into learning the language and attending this event where is she roundly ignored is baffling.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I think it's the father's responsibility to ensure his kids speak Bulgarian, if it's important to him or that they form bonds with his family. I don't consider any of that to be the OPs job. If her partner was willing to actively help her then I'd say fair enough, but if he's just leaving her to it and also not ensuring that she feels comfortable at the family gathering then why should she make more effort than him?

Totally agree that it’s te father’s job to teach his language to his dcs. And organise visiting family etc….

That’s nothing to do with the OP learning Bulgarian. Learning Bulgarian isn’t about helping him with teaching the dcs - she won’t be able to do that anyway. It’s about HER and not feeling pushed aside because if the language barrier (aka nit understanding her own when they speak with dad etc…)

They're only 1 and 2, so barely speaking English right now. I do encourage him to speak to them in Bulgarian but I'm the primary caregiver and he works long hours, so they're not exposed to much of it at all.

What is possible wo much effort is to out videos/Tv in Bulgarian for them to watch.
I had a huge collection fir my dcs in French and DH just picked something for the dcs when I wasn’t there. Just like I could chose to out something in English fur the dcs when I was with them.
What I always did and the father could do is to read stories everyday to them in French (Bulgarian for him) both during the day and at bed time.

[quote SnowyQueen]@CoatOfCharms don’t use the excuse of having DC for not knowing your DH’s language. You should’ve thought about this before marrying a “foreigner” and having his DC. I’m mixed race, 2 different languages. You should make an effort rather than expecting his family to be fluent in English!![/quote]
This!

@NigellaSeed

I think you should go for the sake of your DC - sometimes we have to do things we'd rather not, but ditching the in-laws would send a weird vibe to your kids.

Yes and you will be giving the children the message that learning the Bulgarian language and culture isn't important.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I think it's the father's responsibility to ensure his kids speak Bulgarian, if it's important to him or that they form bonds with his family. I don't consider any of that to be the OPs job. If her partner was willing to actively help her then I'd say fair enough, but if he's just leaving her to it and also not ensuring that she feels comfortable at the family gathering then why should she make more effort than him?

Yes it is, but if the mum won't learn, is constantly asking what they're talking about, saying that she feels excluded and "uncomfortable " it will it very difficult for him to always speak Bulgarian to his children.

The guilt tripping of OP into learning the language and attending this event where is she roundly ignored is baffling
There's no guilt tripping. OP has married someone whose first language isn't English. She should learn his language, it's rude not to. As for being "roundly ignored ", well what do you expect? She isn't making an effort to learn their language and thinks that their English isn't good enough!

@Bitofachinwag

The guilt tripping of OP into learning the language and attending this event where is she roundly ignored is baffling There's no guilt tripping. OP has married someone whose first language isn't English. She should learn his language, it's rude not to. As for being "roundly ignored ", well what do you expect? She isn't making an effort to learn their language and thinks that their English isn't good enough!

isnt this typical tho of the british? we tend no matter where we go in the world to expect that the country we attend will have english speakers so dont even try to learn a few words even if its just yes , no and thankyou.