To not come to "family day" anymore

[CoatOfCharms]

My Bulgarian DH has a family reunion with his extended family every year. & every year I go and have a miserable time because the language barrier makes me feel so excluded.

Of course it's understandable that they all want to spend the day catching up in their native language rather than switching to broken English for my benefit. That's fine.

But I wish DH would make more of an effort to help me to feel included. I am learning Bulgarian but languages were always hard for me and we have 2 small children that limit my time and energy.

I've said that next year he should just bring the kids and I'll spend the weekend catching up with my friends/sleep back home, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable. I think he just doesn't want to travel with the kids by himself.

AIBU?

Just tell him you can't go, he can't make you it's her husband, her partner, not her Dad fgs. They're meant to be a team which sometimes means making an effort.

If op came on and said DH was staying home all weekends whilst she took the kids back to her home country to see family because he wouldn't learn the language and refused to go just to help with the kids, he'd get called all sorts

I am surprised the kids in there haven't swarmed you with their Engliah homeworks and asked for help😁

I bet if you don't go, he'll find an excuse not to take the children.

It's one day YABU

Would he be happy to go on his own without the children?

I completely sympathise about the language learning. You have two small children; getting through the day and week is achievement enough. Bulgarian is hardly a language you have everyday opportunities to hear and practice.

Its once a year. You should go and practice your skills. You might not feel they are there yet but by next year you might be. You never will be with your defeatist attitude.

I would drink my way through it

YANBU, life is too short. Send him with the kids.

I say this as a kid of a multi-ethnic household who would be taken to events like this when small. Nice idea in theory, but in reality I had no idea what anyone was saying to me, and Dad never spoke his mother tongue to me at home so I never had a chance really. So I just ended up being bored shitless.

If you are serious about learning the language then I'd view it as an opportunity to absorb some. Being surrounded by a language is such a good way to learn. It's why my parents sent me to France for two weeks at a time as a teenager to be immersed in it. Yes, it's hard and won't be as much fun as a normal social occasion, but that would be my advice; switch up your view of what the day is for.

@lottiegarbanzo

I completely sympathise about the language learning. You have two small children; getting through the day and week is achievement enough. Bulgarian is hardly a language you have everyday opportunities to hear and practice.

If only OP knew someone who speaks Bulgarian who she sees every day and lives in her home🤔

Because they have with have likely learned the basics at school fairly young and learned more through consuming lots of English media. Some will have gone to language schools specifically to improve. I know some people do teach themselves a language but also requires a lot of time and regular input.

Lol
That’s nothing like reality.
Reality is starting to learn a foreign language in Y7 just like the U.K.
No fancy language school. That costs money, just like in the U.K.
The one thing that is different is that you have no choice but to carry on with a foreign language until A level. (At least in France).

As for consuming English media, why not consuming French/german/Bulgarian media? With the Internet, all that is easily accessible afterall.

Does it require an effort? Yes it does. And that’s my whole point.
Regardless on when you’ve started learning, if you have access to s9e media etc… it requires effort.
Everyone can make that effort. Regardless if it’s someone from Bulgaria learning English, like the OP’s DH or a brit learning Bulgarian,
Ike the OP.
The big difference in my experience is the attitude. From ‘it’s normal to learn a second, or third language’ in most EU countries vs ‘it’s so hard to learn a foreign language that it’s almost impossible ’ in the U.K.

@SleepingStandingUp or try to teach phonics to your child when English isn’t your first language and you can’t pronounce the sounds right….

Took months for dc primary teacher to understand I wasn’t being awkward when I was saying I cannot teach dc phonics.

Why does no one on MN seem to understand that unless you are one of those incredible people who have an ear for language then its really fucking difficult to learn a foreign language, especially when you dont live in the country, and the language structure is so very different from your own, and you have 2 under 2. It takes time to get to conversational level. If youre doing it by yourself its nearly impossible. And btw people arent always very nice or understanding to those trying to speak a second language.

Stay home.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

Why does no one on MN seem to understand that unless you are one of those incredible people who have an ear for language then its really fucking difficult to learn a foreign language, especially when you dont live in the country, and the language structure is so very different from your own, and you have 2 under 2. It takes time to get to conversational level. If youre doing it by yourself its nearly impossible. And btw people arent always very nice or understanding to those trying to speak a second language.

Stay home.

People are assuming tbere was a gap between meeting and having baby no 1. She's had 2 small babies for a year. She's had one small baby for 2 years. If she wanted to converse with the family she chose to join, she could have started learnt before she was too busy with kids

She isn’t doing it on how though.
She is taking some lessons (I assume?) has her DH at home to go through exercises with her and two dcs so she can listened to them and her DH interacting.

FWIW, my DH has learnt a lot of French by just listening and doing not much else. The issue of course is that he might now be able to understand a lot of the conversations but dcs are late teens and that’s a very long time nit understanding what’s going around him.

It’s worth remembering that this NOT just about that day or week her DH spends with family once a year.
It’s also about the day to day loving and living in a bilingual household where 3 people will understand what’s going all the time and she won’t….
The impact of not learning the language won’t affect her just during that once year meet up but every single day. Is that not worth making the effort when you’ve got married and had children with someone who you knew is a foreign National? Or would expect said partner to just obliterate that part of their history/language/culture?

Presume it not all one conversation going on, so some of the group on occasion could speak to you in English when with you?

Honestly, the best way to learn his language will be for him to speak to the kids in it. You'll pick it up really fast. That's how I'm learning DH's.

Reality is starting to learn a foreign language in Y7 just like the U.K.

We have one foreign language compulsory from our year 3 (we start at 6 year old). They added second compulsory one in year 8, I think, not so long ago. Unless something changed. No fancy language schools unless you are some super talent or your parents are very rich.

Can't you take a translator for a day?

YABU, it's one day a year! Make a bit of an effort for your dc. Bring a book/knitting/Netflix along and sit and enjoy yourself.

I don't understand why she is expected to make so much effort to attend and participate, yet no-one else is expected to make any effort to welcome and include her.

Lol
That’s nothing like reality.
Reality is starting to learn a foreign language in Y7 just like the U.K.
No fancy language school. That costs money, just like in the U.K.
The one thing that is different is that you have no choice but to carry on with a foreign language until A level. (At least in France).

What I wrote is the reality in some countries, even if it might not be in France. I've not sure why you dismissed my entire comment and with only the knowledge of one country.

For example, sending children to additional language classes is quite common in parts Asia. Some countries in Europe treat English as a core subject and they learn it from their first year of school. Most of the internet is in English (or Chinese which is even less accessible) so young people are more motivated to learn English. People working in hotels will have often gone on business level language courses.

Lots of people dismiss their language learning as "just watched tv in the language" or "just read a book in the language" or "just picked it up from being there". After repeatedly not being able to pick up a language this way I did some reading on the matter and found that this just doesn't work without knowing the basics. Whether these people intentionally are misleading or not (maybe they assume everyone received the same basics as they did) I don't know. However, if you look at how polyglots like Lucas Lampariello learn languages you can see that learning a language from scratch requires a lot of dedicated effort over a reasonable period, even if you already know similar languages.

Hi OP

Not sure if you're still on the thread.

My husband is from another EU country. And I completely understand.

You cant get someone native to teach you the language unless they are a natural teacher and understand your learning style. My husband knows lots of other couples with one Europen and one English speaker and the English speaker always has to have lessons if they don't stay for long periods abroad. I tried to learn it and got constant shit from my teacher about why I was wasting such a good opportunity living with someone who spoke the language. Whenever I ask him a question about how the language works / why is it this way, his answer is he doesnt know or it just is (as my answer would be in English, we both have science backgrounds).

Learning a language hard and even if you're at a competent level, being in a room full of people who are catching up and chatting about what Sharon down the road has got up to, and all talking over each other, is so difficult to follow. Language lessons follow themes like 'how to buy something from a chemist' not '20 people arguing in different tenses about the local problem family'.

My husband generally tries to translate but its hard 1. When you're seeing friends and family you havent seen in years and 2. When you are genuinely comfortable in two languages then its difficult to notice you switch between them...so my husband will turn and talk to me and try and include me but forget he is still talking in his language. He has accidentally said stuff he thought was private, in the wrong language, because he knows both. So don't be too harsh on him for not translating, it's a skill and is really tiring which is why they don't work long shifts because it's so intense.

Anyway I dont have a lot of advice just I understand how you feel. I dont want my husband missing out on seeing his family though so I tend to see them and either get really drunk or just be a bit rude and slope off and read a book. Because there is only so much smiling and nodding and looking interested in around something I've no idea about.

But it has got a bit better now my kids are a bit older, they always need seeing to so I dont sit in silence any more and the oldest one can now translate a bit. So hang in there

"How are you going to cope with your own dc speaking Bulgarian fluently and you can’t?"

But it's brilliant when your DC speak different languages fluently - you have a little translator at your beck and call! No coping required

Once the DC are talking Bulgarian with your DH all the time you will get it much faster. Because it will be the same sentences and questions over and over again. How was school? Eat your dinner! What would you like to do this weekend? It was boring/ but I don't like peas/ I want to go ice skating... ad infinitum.

Great for learning sentence structure which you can then apply to other topics.