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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not come to "family day" anymore

250 replies

CoatOfCharms · 03/10/2021 16:28

My Bulgarian DH has a family reunion with his extended family every year. & every year I go and have a miserable time because the language barrier makes me feel so excluded.

Of course it's understandable that they all want to spend the day catching up in their native language rather than switching to broken English for my benefit. That's fine.

But I wish DH would make more of an effort to help me to feel included. I am learning Bulgarian but languages were always hard for me and we have 2 small children that limit my time and energy.

I've said that next year he should just bring the kids and I'll spend the weekend catching up with my friends/sleep back home, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable. I think he just doesn't want to travel with the kids by himself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Chloemol · 03/10/2021 17:25

Let him go on his own with the kids

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/10/2021 17:25

It's one day a year for you. How many days a year does he speak your language?

Wazzzzzzzup · 03/10/2021 17:28

I suppose most people are like that about their native language though?
Not really ime.

I think YABU. I don't speak my DH's language nor does he speak mine and most of his family doesn't speak english. I still go once in a while and make the best of it. There is usually food 😁

wildseas · 03/10/2021 17:28

Presumably this is your husbands first language? And he is spending 364 days a year living in English because you don’t speak it?

I think it’s reasonable that you work to improve your language skills and go to days like this even if you feel awkward.

OverTheRubicon · 03/10/2021 17:28

I think yabu. When DCs are older you could skip it, but if they're both young and don't otherwise know his family or speak the language, if you don't go then he'll spend most of the day with half an eye on them and not get to catch up with his family. Or if they don't go, you're denying them a big opportunity to see more of half their heritage. It's especially unfair if you see your family more than once a year.

I agree to suck it up. If you're learning, it's a good opportunity to practice,.or just nod and smile and let your thoughts drift.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2021 17:29

@wishing3

I think I’d go and just view myself as being in charge of the kids for the day so my husband could spend quality time with his family. But then I’d hope for some kind of payback! 🤣
This. If he's actually seeing his family once a year a think it's a bit harsh to say we'll you'll have to do it whilst running around after two toddlers because I can't be bothered to learn your language. He's not going to be doing any catching up with the kids there.

However you can use the kids as an excuse to leave after a few hours, bringing the kids with you

SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2021 17:29

And leaving DH there

toocold54 · 03/10/2021 17:30

If you have an entire year to learn the language then you should be pretty fluent by then to join in.
If you feel you aren’t there yet you could skip one year and go the following year instead.
He may come back saying how everyone missed seeing you or he may feel it was better as he didn’t have to worry about you.

I can completely see why you don’t want to go but I do think it’s nice to have these large family gatherings and keep in touch with people too.

Floralnomad · 03/10/2021 17:32

It’s one day a year , if the language thing bothers you that much spend the next year only speaking Bulgarian indoors when your husband is home and see how much you’ve picked up by next year . This would have the added benefit of rubbing off on your children .

Shoxfordian · 03/10/2021 17:33

It’s one day; you can improve your Bulgarian every day using duo lingo or something

Make the effort

BritWifeInUSA · 03/10/2021 17:34

How often does he see his family? Probably not often as they live overseas. When I read the title I thought you were talking about every week or every month but once a year? It’s also your children’s heritage and for their sake you should suck it up and show active support for their language and heritage. His family might be offended if you don’t go because they will feel that you are snubbing them or ignoring them.

Marrying someone from another country means we have to accept that there will be traditions and events that we don’t feel comfortable with. My husband is American and I moved to the US for him. I hate the way they do Christmas here. But every year I go with him to see his family and put on a nice smile and be polite, eating food I don’t enjoy. There is no language barrier but they do all sit and talk about people I don’t know or events that happened when they were children, long before I knew my husband, so it may as well be a foreign language. It’s just what you do.

saraclara · 03/10/2021 17:35

If you've married into a family that all speak a different language, you're remarkably fortunate to only have to deal with this for one day, once a year!

My MIL could only dream of this, when she married into FIL's family! She had to cope with three week long holidays every year, with small children, and days long car journeys there and back!

Seriously though, you need to suck this up. It's only fair to show willing.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 03/10/2021 17:39

Honestly? I'd tell him to take the kids on his own and enjoy his family and let the children enjoy the weekend speaking Bulgarian, too. He should be able to deal with his own children on his own for a weekend ... not that he would be, mind you, he'll be surrounded by doting family, no?

GreenOlivesinGin · 03/10/2021 17:39

I think YABU. There is no reason to feel excluded, just let them get on with their catching up and try to enjoy playing with the kids or even being lost in your thoughts. When you make a lifelong commitment to someone from a different country then these types of situations are unavoidable, I don't think his expectation is unreasonable and you just need to get on with it and make the best of out it.

AlexaShutUp · 03/10/2021 17:40

I think you need to make more of an effort to learn the language. If you have been with him long enough to have two children together, then you should know enough by now to be able to hold a basic conversation. And if you don't, then you have until next year to work on it.

This is his family and his native language. We're talking about one day per year. It really isn't much to ask. I get that it's hard to feel like you don't understand people, or like you don't quite fit in. I have been in the same position with my DH's family, but the point is, both of us chose to marry someone whose first language isn't English. We have to suck it up!

Arabelladrinkstea · 03/10/2021 17:40

I find this really strange, over there years I’ve dated several men where there native tongue wasn’t English.
You just throw yourself in and learn through absorption!
The only way to learn in practice practice practice and listening!

itsallgoingpearshaped · 03/10/2021 17:42

@Arabelladrinkstea

I find this really strange, over there years I’ve dated several men where there native tongue wasn’t English. You just throw yourself in and learn through absorption! The only way to learn in practice practice practice and listening!
It's a nice theory, but they live in an English speaking country, so her time to absorb and practice will already be limited. And if she doesn't have an affinity for it (I don't for languages!), it makes it that much harder.

Not everyone picks up languages easily.

Madcats · 03/10/2021 17:43

Aside from it being your DH's country of birth, is there anything you like about visiting. Are there some of his family who seem nice?

In your position I would ask one or two family members to be your "learn to speak Bulgarian" buddy. Could you video call them for 30 mins a week?

SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2021 17:45

@itsallgoingpearshaped

Honestly? I'd tell him to take the kids on his own and enjoy his family and let the children enjoy the weekend speaking Bulgarian, too. He should be able to deal with his own children on his own for a weekend ... not that he would be, mind you, he'll be surrounded by doting family, no?
But she's meant to be part of that family too.

And whilst DH has our three for whole weekends on his own, I think it's unfair expecting him to have no back up when he's trying to catch up with family he sees once a year. Especially when it's because op has only had at least 3 years to learn some oral Bulgarian.

Does sound like there's a DH problem tho if he won't help translate or make you feel comfortable when you're there @CoatOfCharms.

arcof · 03/10/2021 17:46

So the consensus is she should go, not cos anyone there actually cares if she's there or not (which I deduce from the fact none bothers to try to talk to her or ask her husband to translate), but so he can have a nice time while she looks after the kids.

I'm sure if the family only sees the kids once a year they'll be falling over themselves to take are of them so this argument makes no sense

If he's proven time and time again Op that he won't include you, don't go, and don't feel one bit bad about it!

Comtesse · 03/10/2021 17:47

In my experience, cross cultural couples can have a tough time of it when you don’t speak the other’s language. I know it’s hard but keep going with the learning. It will be a life time project maybe but really really important for your family. I don’t think you can bail out because your Bulgarian isn’t good enough, that’s just lame sorry. It is a bit embarrassing but the only way to improve is to practice. Plus kids more likely to be bilingual and that is a huge gift to their future selves.

Tumbleweed101 · 03/10/2021 17:50

If you were just dating then I'd probably say dont go but as you have young children and this is their extended family I think you need to go for their benefit. If something ever happened to their dad you would need to have developed some kind of relationship with them so your children were comfortable seeing their family.

TheOpenRoad · 03/10/2021 17:51

I also have a Bulgarian DH so I have first hand experience of endless evenings and family days and holidays where nobody speaks to me. Like you, my DH makes little effort to include me. Over the years this has really grated and worn me down. So many occasions of theoretically being welcomed but then more or less excluded becomes soul-destroying and very, very lonely in the end.

I'm also a foreigner and I can honestly say that none of my friends or family behave the same way around my DH, we would never spend the day speaking in our native language. It's definitely a Bulgarian thing, I feel very excluded even after 10 years of marriage.

You're doing the right thing by staying behind and taking some time for yourself.

Tobchette · 03/10/2021 17:51

Bulgarian dh here too op. You are lucky on two counts:
It's family day, not family month
You not being able to understand what they are saying is a blessing

SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2021 17:52

So the consensus is she should go, but so he can have a nice time while she looks after the kids. yes. No because she should be bowing down at the altar of his penis but because he sees them once a year, it's important the kids see their extended family and they're meant to be a unit. I'd expect him to do the same back.

I'm sure if the family only sees the kids once a year they'll be falling over themselves to take are of them so this argument makes no sense
Yeah cos toddlers are never clingy or unhappy around strangers who speak a different language away from home without their parents. They all just happily go off for hours and everyone just LOVES nappy changing someone else's poop machine.

If he's proven time and time again Op that he won't include you, don't go, and don't feel one bit bad about it! I do suspect it's an you have a husband problem but wonder if he's fed up of trying when she refuses to learn the language or make an effort

not cos anyone there actually cares if she's there or not but