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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m just going for a lie down…

310 replies

Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 12:58

Again-Dp, every weekend…when’s my lie down?

Another weekend of me doing everything and I’m really starting to lose respect now.

We have a Dd, 3, I worked full time all my life (had Dd late) I’m now at home with her, which I’m grateful for (although it’s bloody hard work!) but I’m also doing the majority at the weekend too, or I see it as that, Dp says I’m so difficult to live with.

This weekend went as follows:

Friday night: dp comes home 7 ish after drinks after work, it’s my turn to put dd to bed (we take it in turns) she’s been hyper all
day, over 12 hours of this.
I’ve made dinner, organised a film night, dd bathed, dressed etc-I take her to bed.

Saturday

Get up, I get dd up, washing up still there from the dinner I made last night. I get dd ready for early ballet lesson at new place. I’d told Dp about it the night before and how I wasn’t sure exactly where it was so we needed to look it up and how I thought it would be tricky to park. He starts to say he’ll follow me up on his bike (electric motorbike) as he needs to go to the shops to get himself some things, so I’m left taking her to her new dance, alone.
The day follows a similar pattern, we take her to the playground and for lunch. I take her for a nap, he goes out for two hours to the shops, she won’t nap, so I’m playing with her. He returns home, goes in the toilet for over an hour, sits down for a bit on his phone, goes up again later for over an hour, comes down plays with dd in garden whilst I make dinner, she’s tired by this point and difficult, screaming at the kitchen door, so I have to move her and comfort her (evilest I’m trying to make dinner) he’s sat watching YouTube

Sunday: He’s sleeping in (fell asleep on the sofa) it’s getting later and later, I send dd down to wake him so he can get her breakfast ready. He puts her in the chair, goes to the toilet for ages. I come down, he goes out to the shop for over an hour and a half, I’m with dd.
He comes back, asks what’s up with me, I say I’m tired, he says so is he and that he barely slept last night.
Dd asks to go to the woods to look for flowers and to take dog for walk (it’s two houses down) he moans and asks if I’m coming, I say I’m too tired, he complains that so is he and he needs a lie down, I angrily get DD’s lunch ready and hoover and he takes them out.

Now sat here with 5 minutes peace-completely sick of it.

Aibu and am uptight or he is selfish & lazy

OP posts:
Original poster
Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 13:00

*Whilst I’m trying to make dinner

OP posts:
Treaclepie19 · 03/10/2021 13:00

Yep he isn't parenting or contributing at all.
No way is he ignorant enough to not be aware of that either.

Macncheeseballs · 03/10/2021 13:00

Yeah, it's on a par with taking 30 minutes to go to the loo

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 03/10/2021 13:02

What's he buying at the shops every single day ?

Comedycook · 03/10/2021 13:02

So you're a sahm to one child?...in that case, yes I'd expect most childcare/house stuff to fall to you.

I’d told Dp about it the night before and how I wasn’t sure exactly where it was so we needed to look it up and how I thought it would be tricky to park

I also don't understand this. You're a grown adult...look it up yourself! If our DC has an activity, only one of us would take her, why does it need two of you?

Original poster
Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 13:02

@Macncheeseballs He regularly takes over an hour on the toilet

OP posts:
YourFinestPantaloons · 03/10/2021 13:04

[quote Fourinaroomboredmn]@Macncheeseballs He regularly takes over an hour on the toilet[/quote]
Whenever I hear of men who do this I always say - does he take an hour at work? I'll bet my bottom dollar the answer is no. Because his boss would be mad presumably, but doesn't give a fuck about annoying his wife.

Men who take this long on the loo are doing it so they don't have to do other stuff. They are essentially hiding.

Wombat49 · 03/10/2021 13:04

I'd be saying if he needs an hour to go to the loo, he needs to see a GP.

Seen this a lot with friends, performance tip trips leaving the woman to pack up the house & look after the DC is a prime example.

I'd not be happy.

notacooldad · 03/10/2021 13:04

Have you actually said to him that he is a lazy shit and needs to get his ass into gear because from where you are standing it doesn't look like he is a parent?
That really needs to be spelt out to him that he looks like a la,y slob who doesn't want to do anything with his little girl

Original poster
Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 13:04

@Comedycook So you'd expect it every single day (which I do) plus all weekend and all parenting too?!

I could find the place on my own I’m sure, but it’s a new class, I’d already done both gymnastics classes for her that week and she wanted to go to the playground and lunch afterwards, which we do all week, Aibu to expect or want her dad involved in that

OP posts:
Original poster
Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 13:06

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme He did need new shoes and coat for work yesterday and today he got bits for work and picked up bubbles for Dd

OP posts:
Parker231 · 03/10/2021 13:07

If you are a SAMP the working week hours obviously fall to you with evenings and weekends 50:50. Doesn’t sound like he wants to be part of a family. If you’re out with friends at the weekend or an evening, what does he do?

Original poster
Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 13:08

@notacooldad When I say it he gets defensive and says he’s tired from work too
I want him to be more pro active, to want to take his daughter out, to play with her more, to get off his phone.
He plays with her when he gets back from work, but at weekends is a nightmare

OP posts:
Original poster
Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 13:10

@Parker231 For sure and during the week, he literally goes to work, comes home to dinner. We alternate bedtimes, the one not doing the bedtime generally washes up.
I don’t see how it’s always just assumed he can go wherever he wants and I’m stuck at home.
He says I’m the difficult one and make our life harder

OP posts:
Taoneusa · 03/10/2021 13:10

He’s coasting. Regularly disappearing for short periods, to the loo, the shops, for a lie down.

Do you think he’s aware that he’s diluting his time with you and dd?

Ellis989 · 03/10/2021 13:10

It doesn't sound like he's an engaged parent and an hour to go to the loo is taking the piss.

However, it all sounds quite intense generally. I don't think it needed two people to take her dancing and to follow that with playground and taking her to lunch sounds like a lot of effort is being put into entertaining a 3 year old when 2 adults have been working all week and might need some down time.

Also why was she screaming at the kitchen door? Couldn't she play inside? And why did he need to get up to make her breakfast? What does she have for breakfast? If he'd been lying in, couldn't you have put some cereal in a bowl? Just all sounds quite stressful in places where it doesn't necessarily need to be. I have 3 and we take it in turns on weekends. Usually he has the Saturday lie in and I do Sunday. Would that work better?

Original poster
Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 13:11

@Parker231 I generally see friends with their kids during the week, I don’t go out alone, basically, ever, maybe the shop occasionally or to take the dog out alone-that’s rare though

OP posts:
UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 03/10/2021 13:12

We're a household of 5 including 2 teens and live in a rural area where there is no online grocery shopping, so all food for five people bought in person - between the five of us put together we very rarely go to a shop more than twice, occasionally 3 times, in any given week!

Your "partner" is averaging an hour a day plus on the toilet, an hour a day plus shopping just for himself, and a couple of hours having a little lie down... He is most definitely avoiding you and your mutual daughter without the guts to actually go all out and take up lycra-man hobby cycling GrinWink

MinnieMountain · 03/10/2021 13:12

I was a SAHM to one DC until he was 3.
We made sure we had equal downtime in the evenings once DH was home, because a 3yo a housework doesn’t exactly allow for much time to yourself during the day, and at weekends.
We each had a lie-in on weekends, until 8.30-9 as DS got up at 5 at that age.
Your H is taking the piss big time.

Gardenlass · 03/10/2021 13:13

You take turns in putting your daughter to bed, and he played with her in the park. I wouldn't say he is being very lazy really.
Maybe you should organize a washing up rota - one cooks, the other washes up.
It's concerning that he is an hour at the toilet. Is this to get out of the way, or does he have a medical problem? If so then he should see his GP.
You both need a discussion about fair sharing of the workload. It sounds as if you are doing the majority of childcare and housework, but then, your husband has a full time job and you are a sahm. (Not a criticism, just a fact). I hope you can reach a compromise.

DrSbaitso · 03/10/2021 13:13

@Taoneusa

He’s coasting. Regularly disappearing for short periods, to the loo, the shops, for a lie down.

Do you think he’s aware that he’s diluting his time with you and dd?

Of course he is. That's the intention.

I'm not sure it's a good idea to be a SAHM with someone like this.

Original poster
Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 13:15

@Ellis989 She misses him during the week, we’d said we’d take her to the lesson (was an early start, then playground and lunch, we do go out quite a lot on weekends and generally enjoy it.
I’d got her up early Saturday and got her ready for dance, breakfast etc. We supposedly take it in turns, today he was lying in-which happens a lot. She likes him doing breakfast and that time between them.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 03/10/2021 13:15

@Fourinaroomboredmn - sounds like you need to make some changes. We both work full time but took it in turns in the week to go on our own to the gym or out with friends. Weekends we each had a lie in - DH always took the DT’s to our favourite deli for breakfast. They liked the treat and it meant less mess at home. The rest of the weekend we did everything together so we had some family time.

Original poster
Fourinaroomboredmn · 03/10/2021 13:17

@Taoneusa @DrSbaitso But what’s the pint of this? He doesn’t want to be around us?

OP posts:
Comedycook · 03/10/2021 13:17

[quote Fourinaroomboredmn]@Parker231 I generally see friends with their kids during the week, I don’t go out alone, basically, ever, maybe the shop occasionally or to take the dog out alone-that’s rare though[/quote]
Why don't you go out alone? Sorry but I'd find having a partner who wants me to accompany them to places all the time really annoying

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