I’m just going for a lie down…

[Fourinaroomboredmn]

Again-Dp, every weekend…when’s my lie down?

Another weekend of me doing everything and I’m really starting to lose respect now.

We have a Dd, 3, I worked full time all my life (had Dd late) I’m now at home with her, which I’m grateful for (although it’s bloody hard work!) but I’m also doing the majority at the weekend too, or I see it as that, Dp says I’m so difficult to live with.

This weekend went as follows:

Friday night: dp comes home 7 ish after drinks after work, it’s my turn to put dd to bed (we take it in turns) she’s been hyper all
day, over 12 hours of this.
I’ve made dinner, organised a film night, dd bathed, dressed etc-I take her to bed.

Saturday

Get up, I get dd up, washing up still there from the dinner I made last night. I get dd ready for early ballet lesson at new place. I’d told Dp about it the night before and how I wasn’t sure exactly where it was so we needed to look it up and how I thought it would be tricky to park. He starts to say he’ll follow me up on his bike (electric motorbike) as he needs to go to the shops to get himself some things, so I’m left taking her to her new dance, alone.
The day follows a similar pattern, we take her to the playground and for lunch. I take her for a nap, he goes out for two hours to the shops, she won’t nap, so I’m playing with her. He returns home, goes in the toilet for over an hour, sits down for a bit on his phone, goes up again later for over an hour, comes down plays with dd in garden whilst I make dinner, she’s tired by this point and difficult, screaming at the kitchen door, so I have to move her and comfort her (evilest I’m trying to make dinner) he’s sat watching YouTube

Sunday: He’s sleeping in (fell asleep on the sofa) it’s getting later and later, I send dd down to wake him so he can get her breakfast ready. He puts her in the chair, goes to the toilet for ages. I come down, he goes out to the shop for over an hour and a half, I’m with dd.
He comes back, asks what’s up with me, I say I’m tired, he says so is he and that he barely slept last night.
Dd asks to go to the woods to look for flowers and to take dog for walk (it’s two houses down) he moans and asks if I’m coming, I say I’m too tired, he complains that so is he and he needs a lie down, I angrily get DD’s lunch ready and hoover and he takes them out.

Now sat here with 5 minutes peace-completely sick of it.

Aibu and am uptight or he is selfish & lazy

Yes you definitely need to do some you time at the weekend! Just leave him to it one afternoon... meet your friends or something. I think men are much better when they just get left to it without us watching over them 😬

But also a nice healthy conversation about how stressful you are finding it.

Honestly, I read threads like this and wonder how on earth women have such unbelievably low expectations of their so-called "partners". I'm sorry, OP, I have no advice for you because I would just be telling him to shape up or ship out. Looking after one child is enough - you shouldn't have to also parent your partner.

I personally would be questioning why he needs to go to the shops so often (3 times, once at bullet class, once later same day,then once the next day) and for long periods each time, then him sitting in the toilet for an hour at a time.

Are you sure he's not seeing someone behind your back (and messaging them whilst in the loo/staying up late)

This all just seems a bit odd. Is she not at preschool if she is starting school in September?

And why does she take ages to go to bed?

And why does an adult spend an hour on the toilet?

Why does a three year old need putting in a chair?

Why is an adult sleeping on the sofa?

And why do two parents need to go a ballet class?

Your current set up is not working and you are not happy. You just need to communicate better.

Eg I want to go out for a family lunch on Saturday.

Him. I need to buy new clothes on Saturday.

You. OK shall we go out for lunch on Sunday instead.

Him. Great. Good plan

@Comedycook

So you're a sahm to one child?...in that case, yes I'd expect most childcare/house stuff to fall to you.

I’d told Dp about it the night before and how I wasn’t sure exactly where it was so we needed to look it up and how I thought it would be tricky to park

I also don't understand this. You're a grown adult...look it up yourself! If our DC has an activity, only one of us would take her, why does it need two of you?

She parents whilst he is at work, outside of work he should be parenting and doing chores 50/50

OP, you need to go back to work so you have the financial security if you decide you no longer want to be with DP.

@smoshbambi Get her set up at the table for breakfast, she’s 3, someone needs to get her breakfast 🤷🏻‍♀️

We don’t both *Have to go to the ballet, we alternate her gymnastics during the week (although is mainly me who goes) it was just a new class on a Saturday morning in a new area, I’m tired aswell after all week, does it automatically all fall to me Saturdays too??
Also thought it would be nice to take her to a playground, isn’t that normal?
All I saw there were dads with their kids

@beastlyslumber

Honestly, I read threads like this and wonder how on earth women have such unbelievably low expectations of their so-called "partners". I'm sorry, OP, I have no advice for you because I would just be telling him to shape up or ship out. Looking after one child is enough - you shouldn't have to also parent your partner.

@beastlyslumber nails it.

@HalzTangz Thank you, I was exhausted after a 12 hour day with her, doing dinner, doing bedtime, getting to to the dishes not washed after he’d been out drinking with friends and I got her up, dressed ready for the class and breakfast

Doesn’t she go to nursery a few hours a week? You could have a couple of hours to yourself then. Also at weekends I’d bugger off out for a few hours. Go out to brunch or something with your friends.

But he could have taken her to the ballet? Why did you both need to go

When our dd was that age we'd take it in turns to get up, go to activities. Regardless of how tired/hungover we were. If we had a night out we'd switch turns. I would not get up if it wasn't my turn. You and your partner need to work together to sort it so you both get 'me' time otherwise you will resent him.

Yeah my DH used to be a bit like this, I told him that he can't just opt out of parenting and that the assumption that I am responsible for the kids alone is bullshit.
He didn't believe he was doing that but I pointed out that whenever I left the room I asked him to watch the kids while I did whatever I was doing, he never asked me he just left. He didn't feel he had to ask me to be responsible for them as he just assumed that at all times I was.
I also started doing what he did, so I would just leave the room and go lie on the bed upstairs playing on my phone for example.
If I'm cooking, he's on the sofa on his phone and the kids come in and start nagging or getting under my feet I shout "(name), parent your kids!"
He still has an hour on the bloody toilet watching YouTube. Used to do it at bedtime and I told him he could fuck off if he thinks I'm putting our 4 kids to bed while he hides in there. So he still does it but at a more convenient time, and that's fine by me because we don't pretend it doesn't happen and I can bugger off to bed for an hour and leave him with some of the kids.

When is she 4? She sounds the same age as my youngest, who starts school next September. He does his free 15hrs a week at preschool so i only do two long days with him and I tend to fit activities in then. I find it much easier to do classes in the week, often easier to get into them and frees weekends up for family time so you aren't chasing around.

@Dishwashersaurous Because it was a new class and we were going to the playground and lunch, I like that and don’t mind it. I mind when we’re at home and he buggers off out or upstairs or wherever and I’m entertaining Dd again and she’s asking where her dad is

Where I am, you have to pay for pre school, I can’t afford it. I’m ok being home with Dd and doing the majority, but not all on weekends too

@Bentoforthehorde Sounds the same as here

Are you not in the UK?

He sounds lazy but your dd seems to rule the roost a bit. She is not a toddler, she should be able to amuse herself for a bit while you get on with things, even if its just watching tv. I know it's all about making the right choices for your family but no way i would be getting up early on a saturday to take a 3 year old to classes of any kind, imo its a waste of time and money. I would be staying in bed while he feeds her and brings her to the playground, then when he gets back share the chores/care, or do something as a family. Then on Sunday swap so he gets a lie in.

@Ellis989 We have to pay where I am, her gymnastics is during the week but ballet happens to fall on a Saturday morning

It sounds like he is deliberately trying to get out of doing any family work.

He needs to be cooking dinner 1 or 2 nights a week and take over when he gets home so you can have some down time during the week.

The hour in the toilet is ridiculous. From what men have told me, they're watching porn and wanking.

Weekends, he should be in charge one entire day of the weekend.

You're saying you're waiting another year to go back to work. You might consider going back sooner.

@Dishwashersaurous No

@Deadringer Why not take her to a class? Because of her age? I don’t know, my friends all take theirs too, I assumed was normal. What age would you do that?

Did you actually talk to him and say what you wanted to do this weekend.

And him say what he wanted to do , eg buy work clothes.

You need to communicate with each other better

I think if you’re home all week you can prep meals for the weekend and do activities during the week so she doesn’t need to do them at the weekend. You seem to feel you are doing too much. Why not arrange a morning where dh or a professional look after Dd if it’s getting on top of you.

Realistically you could just do more in the week and have an easier weekend.