I’m just going for a lie down…

[Fourinaroomboredmn]

Again-Dp, every weekend…when’s my lie down?

Another weekend of me doing everything and I’m really starting to lose respect now.

We have a Dd, 3, I worked full time all my life (had Dd late) I’m now at home with her, which I’m grateful for (although it’s bloody hard work!) but I’m also doing the majority at the weekend too, or I see it as that, Dp says I’m so difficult to live with.

This weekend went as follows:

Friday night: dp comes home 7 ish after drinks after work, it’s my turn to put dd to bed (we take it in turns) she’s been hyper all
day, over 12 hours of this.
I’ve made dinner, organised a film night, dd bathed, dressed etc-I take her to bed.

Saturday

Get up, I get dd up, washing up still there from the dinner I made last night. I get dd ready for early ballet lesson at new place. I’d told Dp about it the night before and how I wasn’t sure exactly where it was so we needed to look it up and how I thought it would be tricky to park. He starts to say he’ll follow me up on his bike (electric motorbike) as he needs to go to the shops to get himself some things, so I’m left taking her to her new dance, alone.
The day follows a similar pattern, we take her to the playground and for lunch. I take her for a nap, he goes out for two hours to the shops, she won’t nap, so I’m playing with her. He returns home, goes in the toilet for over an hour, sits down for a bit on his phone, goes up again later for over an hour, comes down plays with dd in garden whilst I make dinner, she’s tired by this point and difficult, screaming at the kitchen door, so I have to move her and comfort her (evilest I’m trying to make dinner) he’s sat watching YouTube

Sunday: He’s sleeping in (fell asleep on the sofa) it’s getting later and later, I send dd down to wake him so he can get her breakfast ready. He puts her in the chair, goes to the toilet for ages. I come down, he goes out to the shop for over an hour and a half, I’m with dd.
He comes back, asks what’s up with me, I say I’m tired, he says so is he and that he barely slept last night.
Dd asks to go to the woods to look for flowers and to take dog for walk (it’s two houses down) he moans and asks if I’m coming, I say I’m too tired, he complains that so is he and he needs a lie down, I angrily get DD’s lunch ready and hoover and he takes them out.

Now sat here with 5 minutes peace-completely sick of it.

Aibu and am uptight or he is selfish & lazy

@MrsFirth2006

I had five daughters very close in age and worked 3 days a week as a nurse. I did all activities for al 5 kids, all in different places every night after work and at weekends had x 2 horse riding and x 1 doing county gymnastics (which was lots of travelling most nights and weekends across the county). My hubby was self employed but could never make the schools assembly, gym shows/horse shows etc as he was ‘busy’. I took all 5 kids in my own to Alton towers and most holidays in this country. I am now in year 25 of marriage and very bitter about all of this and as a consequence going through a separation as I can’t let things slide. He now says I’m a ‘crap mum’ as My youngest is now 14 and I have increased to full time hours in a management position now my girls are older. He feels I should be home for them. ……..

Well fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

[quote Fourinaroomboredmn]@Jenufer But have I said I don’t like being a Sahm? 🤷🏻‍♀️I do and we planned hard and cut back a lot to make this a possibility, I’ve very grateful to be able to be with her, butttttt, I’m not sure if that means I shouldn’t switch off 24/7 does it?[/quote]
Well... IME, that is exactly what it means. My experience is that being a SAHM is absolutely all-consuming - and not in the way that you're Having Fun the whole time, but just as in: you're the one who deals with everything to do with the house and children. The other parent provides the income which makes this happen, and occasionally does some stuff with the children.

What I was trying to say, OP, is that my understanding of being a SAHP is based on this scenario, and is also based on the SAHP being happy for this to be the case. I was one million percent happy to ditch a stressful professional career in order to be at home with the children. Though it so happens that I loved being at home with toddlers, and didn't give a shit about my career, which I only ever embarked upon because I was qualified up to the eyeballs and had nothing else to do.

However: I had no desire to have time off, or to go out with "the girls" , or to do anything at all, actually, other than be a SAHM. That particular role gave my life meaning. My point was that I don't think this is the case with you.

Lazy man I’ve got one. That’s why I had a seven year gap between kids

That sounds like my day to day.. and I'm a single parent of 2

@Comedycook

So you're a sahm to one child?...in that case, yes I'd expect most childcare/house stuff to fall to you.

I’d told Dp about it the night before and how I wasn’t sure exactly where it was so we needed to look it up and how I thought it would be tricky to park

I also don't understand this. You're a grown adult...look it up yourself! If our DC has an activity, only one of us would take her, why does it need two of you?

Comedycook, is either walked all over or completely micromanaging her family. How dare she say what she said. Your child has 2 parents and they are equally responsible for her.

You won’t get much sense out of Mumsnet post like this where every other parent wants to turn it into a pissing contest.

I was a single parent to 4 young children at one point - and in really dire circumstances- it still doesn’t make your DH’s behaviour reasonable (as I’ve said below). Not least because of his failure to put any more than minimal effort into raising anf binding with his child.

He is certainly dodging being a parent. There is a real lack of responsibility on his part going on. He needs to be doing his share. He is going out to the shops but not taking DD with him and why not to give you a break. He is hiding in the loo so he dosent have to spend time with DD. He' s having a lie in whats that when you have young children, he's not getting it and dosen't want to get it. He needs to shape up or ship out....just saying

If you feel you are doing everything you most probably are. Def a lie in on sat or sun for you, he has the alternate sat/sun that really helped us.

He is hiding away and needs to be asked why? If you dont call him out he will get into these bad habits. Take it from one who has been there & regretted it! Lol 😉

You need to assert yourself so you get your needs as an individual too and dont turn into a door mat.

Communicate & say what you want.

If he wants to be a father & partner he needs to act like one!!

Much love xxx
Ps do it now before the resentment kicks in xx

He doesn't sound like the type of partner you can have an honest fair conversation with. I think you'd be better playing him at his own game. The more you fight it the more he resists so as much as you want to spend time as a family you're going to have to disappear to the shops on your own for an hour and spend longer in the bathroom. Be strong and clever and show him you're not a pushover. If dishes need doing tell him directly. Don't let things fester. Men don't get hints. They need clear instructions.

Thanks everyone for the support, much appreciated 💐
I think I do need to just do exactly the same as him, but I have to get in there first!
The annoying thing is, he’s an early riser, but I don’t have any desire to be up and out ok my own at 9 in the morning as he does when he just ‘Pops out for cigarettes’ often I’m left for an hour or two whilst he check the waves, likely has a coffee, gets bits from the shop, then just waltzes back in

Why is he going out so much? He's really not pulling his weight. It sounds miserable. His time appears to be his own whereas you have to fit in everything that needs to be done even if it means missing out on having a bit of time to yourself.

Well... IME, that is exactly what it means. My experience is that being a SAHM is absolutely all-consuming - and not in the way that you're Having Fun the whole time, but just as in: you're the one who deals with everything to do with the house and children. The other parent provides the income which makes this happen, and occasionally does some stuff with the children.

What I was trying to say, OP, is that my understanding of being a SAHP is based on this scenario, and is also based on the SAHP being happy for this to be the case. I was one million percent happy to ditch a stressful professional career in order to be at home with the children. Though it so happens that I loved being at home with toddlers, and didn't give a shit about my career, which I only ever embarked upon because I was qualified up to the eyeballs and had nothing else to do.

However: I had no desire to have time off, or to go out with "the girls" , or to do anything at all, actually, other than be a SAHM. That particular role gave my life meaning. My point was that I don't think this is the case with you.

wow. my mum never got THAT memo. As a result I am really grateful to have been reared by a SAHM and an involved loving dad who spent as much time as mum with us in the evenings and weekends (he used to put all the neighbouring children into the car and bring us to the park every saturday morning - such lovely memories) and really grateful that my mum had friends and interests and things to do for herself.

@Jenufer Wow

he just ‘Pops out for cigarettes’ often I’m left for an hour or two whilst he check the waves, likely has a coffee, gets bits from the shop, then just waltzes back in

........ and that's the point where you just pop out for say, chocolate. For an hour or two.

Feel like I've stumbled into a parallel universe here. The sexism on this thread is unreal - OP, you should do absolutely everything, even in the evenings and at the weekends, because you don't work (for paid money) and instead of expecting your husband to do some parenting you should plan less at the weekends (as if it's your expectations that are the problem, not his behaviour).

A really interesting question to ask is: if we split up, whose life would get easier and whose life would get harder? Clearly in your case your life would get significantly easier because you'd actually get some time to yourself - and your partner's life would get massively harder!!! Imagine him having to do parenting and household chores on top of work (like most parents world over do).

I'm a SAHP to a similarly aged child (who goes to nursery three half days a week as we're in the UK, I know you aren't). My husband is a medic, so he's working long hours in a stressful job where people's lives depend on him and so am I. He does all night wakings unless working (I do the early mornings), he does every bath time and story time, all the washing up, the ironing, the end of day tidy up while I'm doing bedtime. I do laundry, meal planning, shopping, cooking. We have a weekly cleaner. On the weekends we have one lie in each and then he spends most of his time with our child because, y'know, he misses him while he's at work (I use this time to do household chores and life admin).

If looking after "only one child" all week is so easy then your partner can do it all weekend can't he.

I'm a SAHP to a similarly aged child (who goes to nursery three half days a week as we're in the UK, I know you aren't). My husband is a medic, so he's working long hours in a stressful job where people's lives depend on him and so am I. He does all night wakings unless working (I do the early mornings), he does every bath time and story time, all the washing up, the ironing, the end of day tidy up while I'm doing bedtime

Sorry but I think that's shocking! You have one child? Who goes to nursery? You could easily handle the chores. Don't get me wrong I don't think the working parent shouldn't have to do anything but one child who is in childcare is not difficult.

It sounds like your DP is being lazy and you are getting resentful. You don’t have much time to yourself on the weekends, which you need, and he does, even if it is on the loo or to the shops.
Being a sahm must be hard - so much of what you do is exhausting / invisible, and men often think it is easy and restful! I’ve always struggled whilst on Mat leave as DH gets lazy, and it’s taken time to get us all back on track with the kids when I go back to work.
But it also sounds as though you don’t communicate very well - he ‘poo-poos’ your suggestions and you don’t push it, but instead quietly Seth and get cross and resentful and probably don’t communicate with him well as a result, so he gets defensive). You probably snap at him as you are tired and cross (understandably!).
You need to change how you communicate - have a chat with him one evening and say this isn’t working for either of you and find out what he wants to do on the weekends, and tell him what you want to do. Then work out a system that will work for you both.
He can’t keep going off to the shops on his own - once yes, but several times?! And the hour long poos have to stop - either he has a problem that needs to be seen by a gp or he is avoiding things and taking time out.
If you need some time to yourself on a weekend, then make it happen. Go do the food shop and go for a coffee after. Arrange to meet friends for lunch once a mince or something.
And Have one lie-in each and stick to it - the other parent takes DD downstairs and gives breakfast / entertains / takes her out / cleans up the kitchen. Whoever has Saturday mornings takes her to the ballet class. When it’s your morning off, have a lie in, go for a walk, meet friends for brunch etc. If he’s been out and is tired / hungover etc or he says he needs alone time after his week of work then he can have the Saturday morning to himself, and you take the Sunday (but you could go out or do something out the house when he’s back from work on say a Thursday or Friday eve so you get a bit of alone time before the weekend).
Then in the afternoons do something together.
And maybe it would be worth the cost of a babysitter to go out once a month or every couple of months as a couple, so you do things together without DD there - this might help you feel more connected too.
And when he is sitting there on his phone or on the loo tell him (nicely but firmly) that he needs to look after DD whilst you do x or y, or ask him - do you want to do x or mind DD? Give him a choice of making dinner / lunch / clear up / whatever needs doing or looking after DD. He can pick but he can’t do nothing while you do it all. Some people work well with choices and it feels less like nagging.
And if you want to go out or do something and he poo-poos the idea, so what? You can still do it. Think about what you actually need or want and how you can make it happen. Whether he likes it or not, it needs to change and you will be happier as a result. But be proactive and positive to make that change.
As much as you want him to want to be engaged and part of it all on a weekend, you can’t make them suddenly be like this if they are not. Sometimes people need a kick up the bum to change a routine, which works out better in the long run.
Better communication sounds like the key here - actually talk to each other. make plans for the weekends together to ensure you both get what you need (even if he is resisting or says you don’t need to have certain times for yourselves), and ask or tell him / give him choices about what needs to be done when. Be assertive, say what you need him to do, so instead of getting resentful and quietly seething, you actually change the way things are run.
Good luck!

Are you sure he’s not on his phone when he’s ‘on the toilet’. Or when he’s out shopping. I’m sorry but he doesn’t sound trustworthy to me.

Op yes he should be doing alot more. Why does it fall to the sahp. Im sure your day is full on. I think you will have to invent either a course/gym something and leave him sort it.

He’s been the same today. It’s a holiday where we are, so he worked half day. I took Dd to get food shopping then met some friends at the playground. I came home, he was there, I made lunch for Dd, hoovered, did washing etc, then decided to just take myself off upstairs for an hour. He was sat with Dd in the hammock chatting for a bit, then it was tv on for her and on his phone. I came down and made dinner, he ate it then went out for half an hour, came back in and sat on the sofa on his phone. Dd said she’d finished eating, he said to eat some more, I said she’d finished (basically she needed plate taking away and quick washing up done, I wasn’t doing it too. He said I snapped at him. He did the washing up then lay down on the sofa, Dd wanted to climb on his back and do horses etc, he said he was too tired. I ended up getting her pjs on and taking her to bed (it’s my turn tonight)

Good for you taking yourself upstairs for a bit. Typical he was trying to avoid sorting the dishes and encouraging dd to keep eating. Being married taught me the meaning of procrastination. Why when we have kids men become kids themselves. Keep going OP. It'll take strength and persistence to change his habits.

@Loubelou14 It just makes me view him differently? I mean, it’s just pure laziness isn’t it, so much of the time I cba to do things, but I obviously have to because she’s a child who needs things doing and I’m the parent, I just wish there was more input, he’s always saying to her he’s too tired or not now etc. He has to force the energy to play with a toddler, at least for a bit!

Yes you can lose respect for him. If he was asked to play he would always say to our kids 'in a minute' or 'later'. Used to really annoy me. Like he didn't care enough about me to help me and share the load. I eventually dealt with it by reminding myself how quickly the time goes and I wanted to be able to look back knowing I'd always been there and have no regrets. I remember feeling just as you do. Other areas of your marriage start to suffer cos you can't feel sexy when you're treated like cinderella.

@Loubelou14 Exactly…did you split up?

Yeah eventually.... Not down to just that though. By then I'd realised I could manage on my own and that I deserved better but it took a long time. That's not always the answer and I hope you can teach yours a lesson.