I’m just going for a lie down…

[Fourinaroomboredmn]

Again-Dp, every weekend…when’s my lie down?

Another weekend of me doing everything and I’m really starting to lose respect now.

We have a Dd, 3, I worked full time all my life (had Dd late) I’m now at home with her, which I’m grateful for (although it’s bloody hard work!) but I’m also doing the majority at the weekend too, or I see it as that, Dp says I’m so difficult to live with.

This weekend went as follows:

Friday night: dp comes home 7 ish after drinks after work, it’s my turn to put dd to bed (we take it in turns) she’s been hyper all
day, over 12 hours of this.
I’ve made dinner, organised a film night, dd bathed, dressed etc-I take her to bed.

Saturday

Get up, I get dd up, washing up still there from the dinner I made last night. I get dd ready for early ballet lesson at new place. I’d told Dp about it the night before and how I wasn’t sure exactly where it was so we needed to look it up and how I thought it would be tricky to park. He starts to say he’ll follow me up on his bike (electric motorbike) as he needs to go to the shops to get himself some things, so I’m left taking her to her new dance, alone.
The day follows a similar pattern, we take her to the playground and for lunch. I take her for a nap, he goes out for two hours to the shops, she won’t nap, so I’m playing with her. He returns home, goes in the toilet for over an hour, sits down for a bit on his phone, goes up again later for over an hour, comes down plays with dd in garden whilst I make dinner, she’s tired by this point and difficult, screaming at the kitchen door, so I have to move her and comfort her (evilest I’m trying to make dinner) he’s sat watching YouTube

Sunday: He’s sleeping in (fell asleep on the sofa) it’s getting later and later, I send dd down to wake him so he can get her breakfast ready. He puts her in the chair, goes to the toilet for ages. I come down, he goes out to the shop for over an hour and a half, I’m with dd.
He comes back, asks what’s up with me, I say I’m tired, he says so is he and that he barely slept last night.
Dd asks to go to the woods to look for flowers and to take dog for walk (it’s two houses down) he moans and asks if I’m coming, I say I’m too tired, he complains that so is he and he needs a lie down, I angrily get DD’s lunch ready and hoover and he takes them out.

Now sat here with 5 minutes peace-completely sick of it.

Aibu and am uptight or he is selfish & lazy

[quote Fourinaroomboredmn]@1forAll74 I’m very organised, but I’m also human and would like a break myself. He’s also her parent[/quote]
I think you're over organising things, to be honest. Just as an example, why do you need to organise a film night? Just whack a dvd or netflix on and get a couple of snacks out. Then sit down and relax.

@smoshbambi He can’t tell me no and I’ve done it. Bit hard to when he’s rarely been there this weekend though

@Marguerite2000 That’s what it was, I’d planned a film night. You’re right, maybe I’m being too full on in that respect, just trying to pass the hours really

Not your usual strategic incompetence type. Hmm.
Perhaps, strategic shitting and strategic tiredness.

I bet he wouldn't take an hour in the bog if he didn't have his phone with him...

He's not "oblivious" OP. What he is is "getting away with it."

[quote Fourinaroomboredmn]@Nancydrawn Not married, I’m returning fo work in September[/quote]
I think going back to work sounds like a good idea. To be honest, you sound bored and are micro managing things. He sounds lazy and thinks you should do it all as a sahm. It's obviously a bit of a clash.

It sounds like you both just have different needs. After a week 'alone' you want to spend as much time with his as possible doing stuff and getting out an about. Fair enough.

After a week of being at work and also by the sounds of it doing his share of parenting during the week, he wants to spend time with you, but also needs a bit of alone/quiet time. Also fair enough.

You need to talk to each other and maybe schedule in a bit of 'alone' time during which you don't feel resentful as he is then hopefully not sneaking off wherever possible to get a bit of it. I know on the weekends as much as I enjoy spending time with my DP and the kids I need a bit of no-one talk to me time after a week at work. He gets that and we ensure we split our days off to give each of us some solo unwind time and fill the rest with family time.

Maybe suggest he could halve his time in the toilet with a dose of lactulose? I mean, if he's doing that two or three times a day, that's 1 to 1.5 hours he could 'free up', so to speak. . .

@Fourinaroomboredmn

The lazy ones never get any better. And we just turn into people we don’t want I be trying to persuade them to pull their weight. It’s miserable.

It doesn’t sound like a fair split. However, why would you both be taking her to ballet class? That’s a massive waste of time - classes are the prime opportunity for one parent to take them and the other to have a break.

He'll poo poo the idea of setting it up properly because then he will have o actually do his share. At the moment, op is default parent 24/7 and he is 'helping' when he can be graciously arsed too. OP I don't think you have an unusual set up, having a class and a park visit is pretty normal for a weekend. I do think you could work on your DD being a little more self reliant for 20 min chunks of time but that in no way justifies your dps cop out attitude.

I think you need a bit of space for yourself as small things seem to be building into big issues.
Can you book a lunchtime meal out with friends next weekend so he has a reason to take a turn.
You do seem to be making quite hard work out of one 3 year old.
Does she not have any time in nursery? You get 15 hours from their third birthday don't you?
I think maybe it is less about workload and more about wanting your partner to engage more in family life?

I think you are both unreasonable. Unless there are issues with you or with DD you have not told us about, being a SAHP to one 3 year old should not be this exhausting. But he is disengaged and unhelpful. It sounds miserable and dull. You both could do better in my view.

I think do things at the weekend if they’re fun, but we do “activities” during the week. Every family is different and if you agreed he’d do a full day paid work, every other bedtime, and breakfast plus clubs at the weekend then he should stick to it. On the surface it looks imbalanced to me, but I appreciate each child/family has different expectations.

You both sound passive aggressive and like you can’t/won’t communicate well. Was your relationship better pre kids? I think you need to both tak honestly about your expectations. Like if you want to do stuff together at weekends and he wants alone time, try to just respect that you both are different and negotiate a compromise where you all get a bit of both. My DH wants more alone time than I do - he finds family time where he’s not ‘in charge’ of what happens, more stressful than him caring for kids alone. I am the opposite and find him being there to be reassuring back up. So we try to roughly split weekend into 4 where we both get half a day to ourselves and two half days all together. This all achieved through many trials and errors and arguments, and learning to say what we want/need and listen to same from the other. You sound like you don’t respect one another much tbh. I think you need to stop doing stuff you resent and blaming that all on him, don’t be a martyr!

He sounds lazy and selfish and you sound resentful.
You need to sit down and tell him this is not on and he needs to actually consider you instead of just himself.

And either he stops sitting on the loo for an hour or he goes to the gp because that's not normal.

The lunch thing was a practical suggestion to help. An opportunity for you both to agree what is happening

@Fourinaroomboredmn plan a weekend away with a friend and leave him to mind dd.
It's the only way he'll realise how tiring parenting is.

The sitting on the loo thing would be a deal-breaker for me. Is there something wrong with him?

It sounds like he doesn't want to be around either of you.

No wonder you are tired! Pack a bag op! I'll pick you up 4pm Friday and drop you back 4pm Sunday
Obviously a lighthearted jest(sadly) but any chance you can have a complete break to do some clear headed, uninterupted thinking?

It's probably a porn addiction

The constant hiding. Have you checked his phone

[quote Fourinaroomboredmn]@Macncheeseballs He regularly takes over an hour on the toilet[/quote]
Why would someone regularly be on the toilet for over an hour? The mind boggles 😳

Ah sorry I didn't realise you weren't in the UK. That's such a shame preschool isn't affordable and must be really hard for a lot of families. In that case, I can see why you want all the structured activities as she isn't getting that at preschool/ nursery.

@Comedycook

So you're a sahm to one child?...in that case, yes I'd expect most childcare/house stuff to fall to you.

I’d told Dp about it the night before and how I wasn’t sure exactly where it was so we needed to look it up and how I thought it would be tricky to park

I also don't understand this. You're a grown adult...look it up yourself! If our DC has an activity, only one of us would take her, why does it need two of you?

Why should she not get a break at the weekend? He gets to sit on his arse 2 days a week but she gets no break