I’m just going for a lie down…

[Fourinaroomboredmn]

Again-Dp, every weekend…when’s my lie down?

Another weekend of me doing everything and I’m really starting to lose respect now.

We have a Dd, 3, I worked full time all my life (had Dd late) I’m now at home with her, which I’m grateful for (although it’s bloody hard work!) but I’m also doing the majority at the weekend too, or I see it as that, Dp says I’m so difficult to live with.

This weekend went as follows:

Friday night: dp comes home 7 ish after drinks after work, it’s my turn to put dd to bed (we take it in turns) she’s been hyper all
day, over 12 hours of this.
I’ve made dinner, organised a film night, dd bathed, dressed etc-I take her to bed.

Saturday

Get up, I get dd up, washing up still there from the dinner I made last night. I get dd ready for early ballet lesson at new place. I’d told Dp about it the night before and how I wasn’t sure exactly where it was so we needed to look it up and how I thought it would be tricky to park. He starts to say he’ll follow me up on his bike (electric motorbike) as he needs to go to the shops to get himself some things, so I’m left taking her to her new dance, alone.
The day follows a similar pattern, we take her to the playground and for lunch. I take her for a nap, he goes out for two hours to the shops, she won’t nap, so I’m playing with her. He returns home, goes in the toilet for over an hour, sits down for a bit on his phone, goes up again later for over an hour, comes down plays with dd in garden whilst I make dinner, she’s tired by this point and difficult, screaming at the kitchen door, so I have to move her and comfort her (evilest I’m trying to make dinner) he’s sat watching YouTube

Sunday: He’s sleeping in (fell asleep on the sofa) it’s getting later and later, I send dd down to wake him so he can get her breakfast ready. He puts her in the chair, goes to the toilet for ages. I come down, he goes out to the shop for over an hour and a half, I’m with dd.
He comes back, asks what’s up with me, I say I’m tired, he says so is he and that he barely slept last night.
Dd asks to go to the woods to look for flowers and to take dog for walk (it’s two houses down) he moans and asks if I’m coming, I say I’m too tired, he complains that so is he and he needs a lie down, I angrily get DD’s lunch ready and hoover and he takes them out.

Now sat here with 5 minutes peace-completely sick of it.

Aibu and am uptight or he is selfish & lazy

@1forAll74 I’m very organised, but I’m also human and would like a break myself. He’s also her parent

Yes we do go out on weekends as a family. But we have 3 kids and one (eldest) has an activity, one or other will take. That's not a family activity. Outside of that we might visit friends, go to a national trust place, pop into town... It just isn't regimented. Playground we usually do in the week after school. We try to keep weekends fairly relaxed as we do a lot in the week. With one 3 year old, I would try and do more things at the weekend that you and DH enjoy and she can fit around.

@Fourinaroomboredmn sounds like you need to do more fun things together as a family, like a day out. Doesn’t need to revolve around your daughter though, like going to the playground and classes. Maybe you could think of something you would all enjoy, and plan for that? Staying at home all the time would drive me mad too.

I don’t get all this if you are the SAHP all housework, childcare etc falls to you

Why? Partner works 9to 5 plus com out time say 1 hour each way, so that’s your working time, in which washing cleaning etc should be done well as childcare. Then the rest of the time childcare certainly should be split, and at weekends cooking etc should be split

A SAHP doesn't mean you work 7 days a week

@Fourinaroomboredmn

They came back from the walk, I had her lunch ready for her, just tidied it away, he’s just lay down on the sofa

He does sound lazy. Maybe he's one of those men who thinks as soon as a woman becomes a sahm, he can basically abdicate all parenting responsibilities.

Commute not com out

@smoshbambi We go for fun days out too. It’s mainly when we’re home and she needs attention etc, he buggers off and I’m knackered after all week of it

One thing I don't understand is why you are moaning about running her around to Clubs when you chose to enrol her in those Clubs. If you don't want to run around then take her out of them.

She doesn't have to have dance lessons, so if you want a more chilled weekend, then take her out of them.

Some families go out at the weekends, some don't. You don't need to be out of the house 7 days a week to keep your DC happy.

With the greatest respect, you do sound like you need to chill out a little, not everything needs to be structured. It sounds like you are trying to fill every day with something out of the house and it's not necessary.

Your DH does need to engage more. If you want family time out of the house, then plan a day out with him to somewhere, but it doesn't have to be every weekend.

Ask him to make lunch while you get DD ready for it, or vice versa. Take it in turns for lie ins. Sort out the shopping, get it online or whatever, but he doesn't need to go out every weekend day to the shops.

@Ellis989 I’m not in the U.K., no free hours

It’s not regimented, it was the playground and lunch by the beach

Of course youbcan do weekend classes. But if you want it to be a family activity or for him to take her then you do need to agree it with him.

Plus eating separate lunches is just odd.

It sounds like you don't communicate with each other very well.

You clearly need a break so him taking her to the weekly ballet class would be a sensible idea. Then you have a couple of hours in the morning.

And just for reference in the UK preschool for a morning a week would be much much cheaper than three activity classes

@minimecantrollerskate I may drop the Sat class, I thought it would be good for her.
We don’t go out everyday, but tbh with a 3 year old it’s easier to get out (with mine anyway) it’s pretty exhausting no matter what we do, so a day out somewhere helps

@Fourinaroomboredmn what would he say if you buggered off for an hour or so? I’d try it, right now. And listen carefully what his response is.

@Dishwashersaurous Yes, not cheaper here though

I don’t think it’s odd, sometimes we all eat the same thing, sometimes we grab different things

It might help to have a bit of a schedule for breaks. E.g. you get 2 hours to yourself from 10-12 on Saturday morning, he gets 2 hours on Sunday and the rest of the time is family time or split between childcare and chores. I'm SAHM to a 2yo and we do something like this. It's a shame you can't afford preschool, that would probably make a difference. What age does she start school?

What would happen if you said you were popping out and he needed to feed DD tea whilst you were out?

I'd be tempted to go have a snooze in the car.

Sounds like you are the default parent 24/7 so he just dips into being Dad when he feels like it.

@smoshbambi It’s pissing it down and I’m tired 🙈I’ve gone to the hairdressers before, he was fine, but then other times I’ve taken the dog out alone for a drive and walk and he’s been put out when I’ve come back as if that was me pissing about and enjoying myself

The meal thing is simply that all eating together is the most simple family thing you can do. He can't disappear off if you are all eating together and he has to engage. That's also when you discuss and plan the day.

Eg over lunch agree the afternoon plan and over dinner agree the next morning plan

@UnbeatenMum I’ve said that in the past, that it would be great for both of us to say have 3 hours one afternoon for him to do as he please, 3 hours for me the other afternoon. He just poo pooes it and it’s never really happened

@Dishwashersaurous We eat together a lot but not necessarily a full sit down altogether lunch every weekend

He’s now playing lots with Dd and really making the effort so he realised something is up and he’s making the effort.
I honestly think he’s oblivious a lot of the time, but I’ve said it lots and shouldn’t have to be the nagging, boring one that I don’t want to be!

Go back to work and split up with your H. You’ll get every other weekend to yourself that way. I’m not joking.

@LaProcureure Ha, yep it’s crossed my mind, would likely be easier and less work

[quote Fourinaroomboredmn]@UnbeatenMum I’ve said that in the past, that it would be great for both of us to say have 3 hours one afternoon for him to do as he please, 3 hours for me the other afternoon. He just poo pooes it and it’s never really happened[/quote]
How exactly does he poo poo it? What does he say?

@Fourinaroomboredmn yeah taking the dog out doesn’t really count as alone time..that’s pretty shitty of him. You should be able to rest in your house too, without locking yourself in the bathroom like he does. Could you just tell him that you are going for a rest, and then lock the bedroom door? Would he actually say no to that?

@Nancydrawn Not married, I’m returning fo work in September