I’m just going for a lie down…

[Fourinaroomboredmn]

Again-Dp, every weekend…when’s my lie down?

Another weekend of me doing everything and I’m really starting to lose respect now.

We have a Dd, 3, I worked full time all my life (had Dd late) I’m now at home with her, which I’m grateful for (although it’s bloody hard work!) but I’m also doing the majority at the weekend too, or I see it as that, Dp says I’m so difficult to live with.

This weekend went as follows:

Friday night: dp comes home 7 ish after drinks after work, it’s my turn to put dd to bed (we take it in turns) she’s been hyper all
day, over 12 hours of this.
I’ve made dinner, organised a film night, dd bathed, dressed etc-I take her to bed.

Saturday

Get up, I get dd up, washing up still there from the dinner I made last night. I get dd ready for early ballet lesson at new place. I’d told Dp about it the night before and how I wasn’t sure exactly where it was so we needed to look it up and how I thought it would be tricky to park. He starts to say he’ll follow me up on his bike (electric motorbike) as he needs to go to the shops to get himself some things, so I’m left taking her to her new dance, alone.
The day follows a similar pattern, we take her to the playground and for lunch. I take her for a nap, he goes out for two hours to the shops, she won’t nap, so I’m playing with her. He returns home, goes in the toilet for over an hour, sits down for a bit on his phone, goes up again later for over an hour, comes down plays with dd in garden whilst I make dinner, she’s tired by this point and difficult, screaming at the kitchen door, so I have to move her and comfort her (evilest I’m trying to make dinner) he’s sat watching YouTube

Sunday: He’s sleeping in (fell asleep on the sofa) it’s getting later and later, I send dd down to wake him so he can get her breakfast ready. He puts her in the chair, goes to the toilet for ages. I come down, he goes out to the shop for over an hour and a half, I’m with dd.
He comes back, asks what’s up with me, I say I’m tired, he says so is he and that he barely slept last night.
Dd asks to go to the woods to look for flowers and to take dog for walk (it’s two houses down) he moans and asks if I’m coming, I say I’m too tired, he complains that so is he and he needs a lie down, I angrily get DD’s lunch ready and hoover and he takes them out.

Now sat here with 5 minutes peace-completely sick of it.

Aibu and am uptight or he is selfish & lazy

@Gardenlass ‘He played with her in the park’ isn’t that pretty standard and expected for a dad? My dad worked full time, mum at home, he regularly took us out and weekends, he offered, to give my mum a break and because he enjoyed it

Fourinaroomboredmn given the person you're co-parenting with you really do need to get back to work

3 is a good age to do this at anyway, its old enough for childcare to be a positive. If your daughter goes to a good childminder or nursery with other children her age you can drop the classes at this age. Then you refuse point blank to do more than 50/50 of household chores and weekend mornings and he doesn't have a leg to stand on whining that its all your job because he works outside the home. You also make sure you go out after work as often as he does, even if it's actually with a book and a coffee not colleagues or friends if you prefer downtime to socialising.

Go back to work. Then the house stuff can be shared more fairly and you will both enjoy the weekends together.

@Comedycook I don’t need him to accompany me, I thought families do that, go out with their kids at the weekend? Spend time with them? My friends are generally spending time with their partners and kids at weekends too 🤷🏻‍♀️

I see. I just couldn't work that out because my kids are always starving and eat within about 20 mins of waking (and they wake at crack of dawn!) So making them wait for the parent who is lying in to feed them would be both petty and a recipe for disaster!

I think if it was supposed to be your turn to lie in (as you got up and did everything yesterday) you shouldn't have got up. Just calmly remind him, and DD, that it's daddy doing breakfast this morning. First, perhaps sit down and discuss how you're going to evenly split rest time on weekends (go from that angle, rather than calling it splitting parenting which may be more inflammatory)

Go back to work. Seriously. It's the only way for men like that ... he'll have zero excuse not to pull his weight at the weekends.

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme @OwlinaTree I’m due to go back in September when she starts school. All housework, shopping etc is done during the week and I’m ok with that. But I’m also tired by a Friday night after a long week with an energetic toddler, I don’t want to spend the weekend cooking too and doing breakfasts and taking her to clubs, I’d like to share things and do things together

My first thought is that you might be better off putting her to bed on the dot at 7pm, so she is asleep before he comes home. If as you say she is overtired what does it achieve to keep her up so late? Good vibes in evening might then lead to you both feeling less stressed at weekends.
And why are you hoovering at weekends if you are at home in week? It sounds like a deliberately resentful "dig".

Make life easier for both of you at weekends ..heat up something preprepared, walk dog without DD first thing (leave him in charge of breakfast)
Buy ingredients for breakfast if that gets him off to a good start and gets him used to supervising

Don't feel so angry and resentful, better to use cunning and get him to do what you want through clever tricks.

I found weekends were very difficult with that age group and the more structure the better...also socialising really helped...you have no idea how bored children get with their parents!!! Even if it is just arranging to have someone over for a literal cup of tea, no meals

Apropos naps, quiet time can be as good as a nap but it requires a structured day where you always are prepared to just potter at certain time. 3 year olds do well with a nap but when they are wired or expectant it's almost impossible. Ds2 used to fall asleep on the floor playing with his train at that age. DD just screamed until she was cuddled up in bed with a story and could only tune out that way.
But little friends made DD so much easier at weekend ..it is only natural that they are wired to socialise

@cookingisoverrated

Go back to work. Seriously. It's the only way for men like that ... he'll have zero excuse not to pull his weight at the weekends.

He'll find one.

@Ellis989 I told her to go downstairs, I generally just take her anyway, but was so pissed off, she went and woke him.

@DrSbaitso Yep, I’ll probably end up working and doing it all anyway

He honestly seems oblivious to it

Of course it’s fine to want him to be involved in the ballet expedition. Weekend family life, why not?

Well, that’s the question, isn’t it. Why the constant nibbling away at family time….Time for a conversation along the lines of “ how do we support each other and dd, plus get personal space..”

Just a “I’m knackered, and I miss you when you lope off! “ might get the ball rolling

Make him spending time doing something with dd an expectation. Just like you did with the putting to bed every other night.
Go out on your own and leave Dd with her dad every now and then.

And this is why I decided being a single parent to a baby and a toddler was far easier than factoring in an adult child aka DP/DH.

The 'hour on the loo' thing from men really infuriates me, I hear so many women complain about this, I used to experience it myself. Grown men fannying around on their phones whilst their partners are having to deal with the mundane family stuff. It's not fair and its childish behaviour.

Fourinaroomboredmn I'm glad you're due to go back - with a man/ "man" like that its the right decision on multiple levels - it puts you in a stronger position to refuse to be a door mat and ultimately knowing that you could leave the relationship should you decide at some point that's the best option.

I understand what you mean - you want him to want to spend weekends as a family.

That's not an unreasonable wish, but it is an impossible thing to make happen - you can't make someone want something.

In the end you need to be pragmatic. You can very calmly insist on one lie in per week - be unwavering and tell him that's what is going to happen. Don't engage in the "I'm tireder than you" crap. One lie in each.

Start with that and that only and do not ever get up on "your" day nor send DD to wake him on his. Be resolute.

You can add in a calm talk about doing things as a family once per week once the lie-ins are fair. One afternoon he has to himself, one you either do something together as a family or you have to yourself - if family time is your priority and time to himself is his priority.

It really will help you feel better. Once your back at work be clear how the household duties and child free personal time (whether solo shopping, socialising, going to a cafe alone or having little naps) will be split 50/50 and stick to it.

Get out while they’re out, take some time to yourself. Then you need a conversation with DH about family time and splitting the housework load and family responsibilities.

Book a long weekend away with friends or by yourself to reset and start dividing up chores more equally. I’d argue that a 3 year old doesn’t need weekend clubs and activities, just family time is enough. You look after a toddler all day and that’s a full time job (it’s what you’d pay a full time nanny to do), then divide up the rest of the chores equally.

Aibu and am uptight or he is selfish & lazy

You're being you. You're having your feelings and your responses. He's your husband; he's meant to want to work together with you towards harmony in your home. It's not an issue of who's right or wrong, it's an issue of whether each of you wants to understand the other, and work towards what you both want.

You won't get anywhere near a compromise when it's either you are him that's 'right'. You need to tell him clearly how you feel, what you need, and you need to listen properly to his response.

When you say you've spoken to him about it, what have you said?

'Why haven't you done some bloody housework!!' is very different from 'I'm struggling here, darling, I've not got time to keep on top of things, we need to have a look at how we're running the house.'

@Nettleskeins Her bedtime is 7, but she was waiting for him as wanted a film night. I’m
Not doing every bedtime as she takes ages to get to sleep and it’s draining, especially after being with her for 12 hours

I was hoovering because the dog is malting all over the place at the moment, so it’s a daily job, I wouldn’t normally do it at the weekends.

She was crying to come in the kitchen and take snacks out of the fridge, but I was busy trying to make dinner for everyone, alongside trying to sort her out, whilst he sat watching YouTube

Both of you are in this,

Yabu expecting all this playing with dd, Christ🙄 every single week evening he is playing with her and u end up playing with her when she wouldnt take her nap, no wonder she wouldn't take her nap with all this playing.
Can you not relax and say I'm heading for lie down, cook something there or grab take away!!
Seriously he is home at 7 after work drinks, he is at park, family lunch as trio, dinners together etc... and gets a go off you if he closes his eyes or goes to the loo( I get he is unreasonable with the hour and that's annoying but I think he is probably trying to get away from your ever watchful eye)or gets a go because he doesn't want to go yet again to see dd slide down the slide for the 100th time at the park.
Can he bring dd to the shops he goes to every day
Op I think you def sound bored and are waiting for this big great weekend every week..he sounds like he is doing enough but that you are not doing enough to get your own life back on track. You sound like a loving mother but u still need an outlet away from dd and OH..leave them too it and head off to cinema or lunch with friends, I think the break away from dd would do u good and u wouldn't resent him so much.
And I get that's difficult as women have a maternal drive built into them to not want to leave our kids. It's hard but try relax and resent him less.

Why does he need to ’put daughter in her chair’, if she is 3..? Surely she can do that herself. And why would it take two people to take her dancing? You make it sound like she’s a baby. And you’re a sahm, to one quite old child, it’s not that stressful. If he needs to spend 1 hour on the toilet every day he need to see his gp, that’s not normal. He should want to spend more time with you..

@Nettleskeins She sees friends at weekends sometimes too, parties etc. It does need to be very structured, hence the dance lesson then plan for lunch out, then home to relax etc. I generally do have to have a loose plan in place at least one of the days

@Comedycook

So you're a sahm to one child?...in that case, yes I'd expect most childcare/house stuff to fall to you.

I’d told Dp about it the night before and how I wasn’t sure exactly where it was so we needed to look it up and how I thought it would be tricky to park

I also don't understand this. You're a grown adult...look it up yourself! If our DC has an activity, only one of us would take her, why does it need two of you?

childcare/house stuff to fall to you

Fair enough in the week. This is the weekend.