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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

13 year old wants to change name

196 replies

Cosyella3 · 02/10/2021 14:25

My 13 year old daughter really wants to change her name. She’s hated her name for years, since she was about 3 and always insisted on being called different names when she was younger. She hasn’t started on another name for a few years, but she still complains about her name. My daughter used to pick certain names because of a character or a celebrity or person she really liked. She wanted to be called Sophia when she was 5 because of a girl in her class, and a name of some Mario Kart character when she was 8. She’s “had” lots of different names over the years, some that I can’t even remember. She also likes to search for pretty or uncommon girls names online (her real name is still pretty uncommon). I dropped my daughter off at school last week and I heard her friends saying “Hi Piper”. When I picked her up from school, I told her I know she asked her friends to call her by this new name. I asked her if she wanted to be called Piper and she said yes. I don’t really like the name to be honest. My daughter gets really embarrassed for some reason and has always been very secretive, especially if she thinks she will get embarrassed or if something is not allowed. She also tries to find ways around things and likes to change the subject a lot. My daughter has been asking to change her name officially, and I explained to her that I won’t do it for because she’s still young and not able to make her own decisions. She keeps getting upset about it but I keep saying no. She cried last night and she told me if I changed her name for her she would feel happier about herself. Am I doing the right thing?

OP posts:
XelaM · 02/10/2021 14:29

What is it that she hates about her name so much?

BeepingBB · 02/10/2021 14:31

What is her given name?

WisestIsShe · 02/10/2021 14:31

I think it's her name and if she wants to be known as something else you should respect that. You don't have to change it legally but you could let the school know that she wishes to be known as Piper.
I have a similarly aged DD and several of her friends have chosen new names for themselves.

pointythings · 02/10/2021 14:32

You need to get to the bottom of the reasons why she hates her name so much, because once she turns 16, she will legally be able to change her name without consulting you. That could cause some major deterioration in your relationship with her. Just saying no isn't enough, you need to get to the bottom of what's causing this.

Blackkoala · 02/10/2021 14:32

I think it’s fair to say no when she’s so unsure of the name she wants. You don’t want to go through the rigmarole of a legal name change only for her to decide that name isn’t right either.

I would, however, let her know that if she picks a new name she is happy with and sticks with it for a year without changing it or regretting it, you’ll let her formally change it. I completely understand that it’s hard for you, but since it’s her name and she has to live with it I would let her change it if she truly wants to.

Original poster
Cosyella3 · 02/10/2021 14:34

She doesn’t like the way it sounds. She also refuses to be called her nickname. She gets upset when people say “that’s such a beautiful name” because she doesn’t really like her real name, but she likes it when they say that about her chosen name.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 02/10/2021 14:35

@pointythings

You need to get to the bottom of the reasons why she hates her name so much, because once she turns 16, she will legally be able to change her name without consulting you. That could cause some major deterioration in your relationship with her. Just saying no isn't enough, you need to get to the bottom of what's causing this.

Yes I agree with this tbh.

This isn't necessarily a case of yes or no to changing it, but you do need to have a conversation about it.

HallieP · 02/10/2021 14:36

@Cosyella3 Has she expressed why she doesn’t like her name OP? Is it just a simple case of not liking it or is it a name that she could be being mocked for?

jimmyhill · 02/10/2021 14:37

Let her, on the condition that she does all the paperwork herself

WhatsitWiggle · 02/10/2021 14:39

My daughter is the same age and also says she doesn't like her name. I've said it can't be changed legally but if she wants to be known by a different name, we can tell the school and she just starts using that name. She uses a different name online, her online purchases all turn up addressed to her new name but she's not taken it any further. Her actual name is a family name so it did sting when she said she didn't like it, I'll admit.

It's a confusing age and she's exploring her identity. If she wants to be known as Piper, I'd run with it. Chances are she'll change it back in due course but she'll appreciate your support in the meantime.

mrsbitaly · 02/10/2021 14:40

Just reassure her that she can change her name when she is old enough and right now if she chooses a different name you will be happy to support her and call her that name.

Explain that as she has liked different names over the years you want her to make the right lifelong name and to just feel the names out before committing to one.

Take her seriously and listen to her so she feels she's being understood and respected she will love you more for it.

Original poster
Cosyella3 · 02/10/2021 14:41

She has never been bullied because of her name and she has wanted to change it for a very long time. I am worried that she will be able to change it behind my back when she turns 16. I love her name and I don’t want her to change it.

OP posts:
Cotswoldmama · 02/10/2021 14:41

I think I would let her but maybe tell her to think really hard about what name she chooses and then stick with it and it can't be changed again.

Cocomarine · 02/10/2021 14:43

@jimmyhill

Let her, on the condition that she does all the paperwork herself
What’s the point in that? To punish her? To make her prove she’s serious?

She’s had ten years of wanting to change her name, just support her.

I’d tell her that there are times throughout life when you have to declared any name changes - so to avoid incurring admin hell in future, it would be best to try out the new name for a while to be sure that’s the name for her, before changing it legally. Then support her in her “known as” name.

Volterra · 02/10/2021 14:44

Unfortunately it isn’t about what you like though. I’d get on board and support her and see if maybe there is a variation of her original name that would work. If she hasn’t liked it for that long it does sound like she will just change it in the future , better to support her. You will get used to a new name in time.

MilduraS · 02/10/2021 14:45

But if she changes it and then changes her mind can't she just change it back? I don't see how she could regret the decision when it doesn't have to be permanent anyway.

Cocomarine · 02/10/2021 14:46

@Cosyella3

She has never been bullied because of her name and she has wanted to change it for a very long time. I am worried that she will be able to change it behind my back when she turns 16. I love her name and I don’t want her to change it.
You could change your name and add it as a middle name for you.
LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 02/10/2021 14:46

I’d say I’d change her name legally after she’s lived with it a year and decided it’s the right one.

StrawberrySquirrelThief · 02/10/2021 14:47

Could she add Piper as a middle name then just use that whilst keeping her name that you gave her?

shouldistop · 02/10/2021 14:47

I think if she chooses a name and sticks to it until she's 15/16 then she can change it. Not if she's still changing her mind every 3 months.
You could ask if she can keep the name you gave her as her middle name.

romdowa · 02/10/2021 14:48

I hated my name growing up because it was extremely common at the time. I'm in my 30s and still use the same name and wouldn't change it now. So there is a chance that she will change her mind about her name in years to come .

Original poster
Cosyella3 · 02/10/2021 14:49

She wouldn’t mind if her real name was her middle name, but she has a strong desire to have Piper as her first name.

OP posts:
trumpisagit · 02/10/2021 14:50

I am very suprised a 3 year old would n't like her name, but yes I would run with Piper for now. She may change her mind.

NeverSurrender · 02/10/2021 14:53

My dd hates her name and as a teen said she wanted to change it. Her birth name is a normal, not common but not unusual name- she just hates it and it's nickname. Her new name is quite unusual I think but not massively so, but it's her life and if she's happy that's all I care about. It is hard enough being a teen! She settled on her new name about 3 years ago, and we do our best to call her it but sometimes forget. School use it too. I'm not changing it legally, I feel like that should be something she does for herself at the legal age, but I know she is planning too! She's going to drop her middle name too, ur keep her surname Grin

Mrsfrumble · 02/10/2021 14:54

If you love her current name so much, why don’t you adopt it once she’s changed to one she prefers?

I’ve always hated my name. It’s boring and drab and stopped being fashionable about 20 years before I was born. I remember being embarrassed by it when I was in infant school and feeling envious of the other girls who had much prettier names. When I left home I started using a nickname version of it which I don’t love, but I can live with. I still cringe when people call me the other version. I wish I’d had the courage to change it officially to something I really like when I was 13!

In short, it’s not about you OP. It’s horrible to have a name that makes you cringe whenever you introduce yourself, and it’s clearly not just a phase in your daughter’s case.