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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

13 year old wants to change name

196 replies

Cosyella3 · 02/10/2021 14:25

My 13 year old daughter really wants to change her name. She’s hated her name for years, since she was about 3 and always insisted on being called different names when she was younger. She hasn’t started on another name for a few years, but she still complains about her name. My daughter used to pick certain names because of a character or a celebrity or person she really liked. She wanted to be called Sophia when she was 5 because of a girl in her class, and a name of some Mario Kart character when she was 8. She’s “had” lots of different names over the years, some that I can’t even remember. She also likes to search for pretty or uncommon girls names online (her real name is still pretty uncommon). I dropped my daughter off at school last week and I heard her friends saying “Hi Piper”. When I picked her up from school, I told her I know she asked her friends to call her by this new name. I asked her if she wanted to be called Piper and she said yes. I don’t really like the name to be honest. My daughter gets really embarrassed for some reason and has always been very secretive, especially if she thinks she will get embarrassed or if something is not allowed. She also tries to find ways around things and likes to change the subject a lot. My daughter has been asking to change her name officially, and I explained to her that I won’t do it for because she’s still young and not able to make her own decisions. She keeps getting upset about it but I keep saying no. She cried last night and she told me if I changed her name for her she would feel happier about herself. Am I doing the right thing?

OP posts:

Peanutsandchilli · 02/10/2021 16:38

My (autistic) child has asked to be called a different name. She's also asked to be called multiple different names over the years.

I refuse to, because I don't believe it does her any favours.

I genuinely wouldn't pander to her.

Bideshi · 02/10/2021 16:38

Let her do it on condition she takes up the bagpipes. Or cake decoration. Piper's an awful name. Sienna's pretty. My daughter's got an unusual name. She hated it growing up; loves it now.

Teenagers always think perky cheerleader type names are the bees knees. But the sensible posters are right: you should have a discussion, get to the bottom of it.

SoupDragon · 02/10/2021 16:42

@Overthehillandfartaway

I'm not comfortable that she was bullied because of her name, but you refused to change it because 'you like it'.

I would be incredibly resentful of that if I was your daughter.

The OP says She has never been bullied because of her name

themidnighttrain · 02/10/2021 16:42

I wouldn't change her name officially to Piper, only because she's tried out quite a few different names, and I'm not sure if Piper would stick. However, I'd use Piper as her day-to-day name in everything, and if she still really loved it a year on, I'd consider filing the paperwork.

Basically, I'd support changing her name, but only once she was sure she'd found her favourite new name.

There doesn't have to be some deep-seated reason like bullying involved - if she doesn't feel like her name fits her, she's within her rights to change it. Just be glad that the thing she wants to change about herself is as simple as her name! I know parents whose children have wanted to change their gender, and even if it's the right thing and everyone is onboard, there's a lot of heartache involved. It's not easy.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 02/10/2021 16:43

From the replies it sounds like many posters have missed the part where OP says her DD changes her mind regularly

...She wanted to be called Sophia when she was 5 because of a girl in her class, and a name of some Mario Kart character when she was 8. She’s “had” lots of different names over the years...

For this reason alone I'd suggest caution. I'd remind her that if she changes her name legally she must be 100% sure she won't regret it. I don't doubt she hates Sienna, but she's not demonstrated consistency RE a new name. At the moment she's not proven mature enough to do it officially. How long before she doesn't want to be called Piper!

TheSpottedZebra · 02/10/2021 16:45

But she's ended up with 2 names that she doesn't like! At least stop calling her CiCi if she's said she doesn't like it.

ilovesushi · 02/10/2021 16:51

Can you go with the new name for a period of time and then if it's still what she wants to do consider a legal change, maybe before GCSEs so there is no confusion over her certificates in later years. Sounds like this is not a whim but something enduring and deep seated with her. No idea why as I agree Sienna is a beautiful name and I would feel very sad too in your shoes. I like a previous posters idea of embracing it and getting her something lovely with the new name on. I am guessing that she would really appreciate your support! x

Pollythecat15 · 02/10/2021 16:55

I don't think there is any harm in calling her by the name she wants to be known as, but keeping her original name for now.

When I was a young teen I hated my name and desperately wanted to be known by a different name (funnily enough it was a name that my parents had actually considered calling me and I so wished they had gone with that name).
However, now as an adult I am quite happy with my given name (as long as people stick to the shortened version of it - still have hang ups about the full version).

Having said that I had two friends in high school who had serious issues with their names, to the point it was effecting their mental health.
Both officially changed their names as soon as they could.

MakingM · 02/10/2021 16:59

It worked for George Osbourne.

I’d be tempted to wait until 16 if possible but if it’s distressing her and she’s already requested it be changed at school, it would appear you’ve been outvoted so gracious acceptance might be your best option.

And then I’d consider drama class if she isn’t in one already. Actors can change their names all the time. Every day of the week if they wish, and they hide themselves in characters. She might like that.

ilovesushi · 02/10/2021 17:02

For all those who don't like Piper as a name, I think it is pretty sounding!

Maireas · 02/10/2021 17:10

Piper sounds nice, and I'm not usually a fan of surnames as first names. I have to say that I really dislike the name Sienna, however, you love it so it's tricky.
3 is very young to start disliking your given name, and I do wonder what the trigger was.
If she sticks to Piper, maybe allow the name change.

NotRainingToday · 02/10/2021 17:13

My DS changed name about 18 months ago, during 1st lockdown. When then went back to school, I changed it on the register so that the formal registration was something like Oliver George Holt, known as Sam Holt.

DS can change by deed poll as soon as they reach the age requirement and can be bothered with the admin.

bargelights · 02/10/2021 17:15

I have always hated my name. It is a completely innocuous name, not outlandish or bizarre, not extremely popular but not unheard of. But people invariably mispronounce it and/or misspell it. My name is similar to another name, and so many people seem to think that calling me by the other name is close enough. I wish I had changed it years ago to something completely different. I was too passive (or lazy) to do so, and I also worried about hurting my parents’ feelings.

So honour your DD’s wishes and call her by her chosen name. I wouldn’t rush to change it legally at this point, but I’d let her know you support her decision if she goes down the legal route in a few years.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 02/10/2021 17:19

My niece didn’t like her name, but had a nickname that friends and (some) family called her. Everyone just called her by nickname for years and she changed it officially when she was old enough. No drama.

JustLyra · 02/10/2021 17:43

@NotRainingToday

DS can change by deed poll as soon as they reach the age requirement and can be bothered with the admin.

If everyone with PR agrees it can be done just before exam time so certificates can be issued in their new name

Staffy1 · 02/10/2021 17:56

@Snugglepumpkin

If she changes her name before she takes her GCSEs & A levels then all her certificates etc.. will be in the correct name. Otherwise she will have to spend the rest of her life anytime someone wants to know her qualifications explaining why they are in a different name.

On the other hand, if she doesn’t change it, they will be in the same name as her birth certificate and who is to say she will stick with the name she likes at that age. She might like Piper now and think it’s awful at 19 and change it again.

JaninaDuszejko · 02/10/2021 18:05

I think there was a similar thread recently with a 15 yo but she'd been given a boys name and wanted to change it to Rose and everyone said 'let her change it!' Sienna is a lovely name but let her call herself Piper if that's what she wants but tell her she can't officially change her name till she's 16. If she's still using Piper in 2 years you could maybe relent but after a month? No way should you be officially changing it yet. And maybe watch Lady Bird with her.

TatianaBis · 02/10/2021 18:31

That was different though as her name was a bit grim and she was older.

What you like when you’re 13 is not the same when you’re 18. That’s why I’d leave it til she’s older.

Kerikerikeri · 02/10/2021 19:08

OP, not relevant I know because she doesn’t like it and that’s that, but Sienna is a fabulous name. It’s really lovely.

scarpa · 02/10/2021 19:11

@MrsTerryPratchett

This does seem really common now I’m noticing.

Two of my four GPs had names they used and names on their BC. My Aunt (who is in her 80s) as well. My mum used a different surname than her legal one. I know two people in my ancient friend group as well. I think it's always been common.

Same! One grandad Christopher, known as Joe from about 9 years old onwards as he hated Christopher. Most people didn't even know his 'actual' name - it was on his official documents, but absolutely nobody except the Government called him it.

Lots of people my parents' age I know use their middle name instead of first name, too. Don't think it's that unusual - you don't get to choose the name you're given, so it makes sense that at least some people don't like their given name.

Mrsfrumble · 02/10/2021 19:13

I don’t think it is different though, because regardless of whether we all think Sienna is nicer than Kodi, the OP’s daughter has clearly and consistently disliked her name since early childhood.

If the DD has been a bit fickle about alternative names in the past, then it’s fair enough to hold off letting her legally change it for a few years, but instead let her casually use Piper for now and see if it sticks. But as those of us who have been in the same situation as OP’s daughter are trying to get across, OP shouldn’t make it about her own feelings as at the end of the day, she’s not the one who has to live with a name she dislikes.

Original poster

Cosyella3 · 02/10/2021 19:35

I asked my daughter if she chose the name Piper because of a celebrity or character and she said no. I also asked her if there is anyone at school with this name and she said no.

OP posts:

JustLyra · 02/10/2021 19:50

@Cosyella3

I asked my daughter if she chose the name Piper because of a celebrity or character and she said no. I also asked her if there is anyone at school with this name and she said no.

Have you spoke to her about why she’s changed her name a few times?

I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s not at least in part trying to find a name that’s acceptable to you, and the others around her.

Ask her what she would want to be called if everyone around her agreed to it. She’ll either say Piper or one of the names she previously suggested.

TatianaBis · 02/10/2021 19:51

My son went through a phase of wanting to be called Jeff.

TatianaBis · 02/10/2021 19:52

He's grown out of it now.

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