13 year old wants to change name

[Cosyella3]

My 13 year old daughter really wants to change her name. She’s hated her name for years, since she was about 3 and always insisted on being called different names when she was younger. She hasn’t started on another name for a few years, but she still complains about her name. My daughter used to pick certain names because of a character or a celebrity or person she really liked. She wanted to be called Sophia when she was 5 because of a girl in her class, and a name of some Mario Kart character when she was 8. She’s “had” lots of different names over the years, some that I can’t even remember. She also likes to search for pretty or uncommon girls names online (her real name is still pretty uncommon). I dropped my daughter off at school last week and I heard her friends saying “Hi Piper”. When I picked her up from school, I told her I know she asked her friends to call her by this new name. I asked her if she wanted to be called Piper and she said yes. I don’t really like the name to be honest. My daughter gets really embarrassed for some reason and has always been very secretive, especially if she thinks she will get embarrassed or if something is not allowed. She also tries to find ways around things and likes to change the subject a lot. My daughter has been asking to change her name officially, and I explained to her that I won’t do it for because she’s still young and not able to make her own decisions. She keeps getting upset about it but I keep saying no. She cried last night and she told me if I changed her name for her she would feel happier about herself. Am I doing the right thing?

I love her name and I don’t want her to change it.

Hear this: This isn't about what you want.

Honestly, I had some sympathy for you, but after that little statement that has vanished.

How long has she been using Piper? If this is established with her friends and teachers, and has been for a while I think you need to consider changing it. Not liking her name isn't a passing thing, she has disliked it for 10 years.

First step is to informally change it at school etc...
Then in 6 months change it officially.

I think you are right to say no. I wanted to be called Rosemary. Didnt happen. Thank goodness.

I think you need to respect her wishes. Tell her to decide on her name and you will start using it.if she still feels strongly about it, you will help her change it at 16.
In the meantime start an open conversation with her as to why she wants to change it.

At the end of the day she has to live with this name all of her life, I think I would accept the name Piper as her first name using it day to day, then in a year if she is still intent on keeping it, agree to let her change it officially and compromise by using her first name as her middle name

I’ve always hated my name and wish I’d changed it years ago. For this reason I genuinely wouldn’t mind if any of my kids wanted to change theirs.

@Mrsfrumble

If you love her current name so much, why don’t you adopt it once she’s changed to one she prefers?

I’ve always hated my name. It’s boring and drab and stopped being fashionable about 20 years before I was born. I remember being embarrassed by it when I was in infant school and feeling envious of the other girls who had much prettier names. When I left home I started using a nickname version of it which I don’t love, but I can live with. I still cringe when people call me the other version. I wish I’d had the courage to change it officially to something I really like when I was 13!

In short, it’s not about you OP. It’s horrible to have a name that makes you cringe whenever you introduce yourself, and it’s clearly not just a phase in your daughter’s case.

I agree with this completely. I was similar, didn't actually know I could change it at 16 or I would have. I hate my name, doesn't have much of a meaning but im stuck with it now. Too late to change it at 40 but if she's really sure then I would let her.

She said she’s been going by Piper for nearly a month now. I think I can’t really do anything, she’s growing up. I will just miss the name, and her brother chose it, but I did give in and I have been calling her this name.

I love her name and I don’t want her to change it.

But she's hated it for 10 years.

My DD hates the long version of her name and so we haven't used it for 8 years. Even though I absolutely love it. She's an individual. And yours is too. At 13 you really need to start to grasp that.

@pointythings

I love her name and I don’t want her to change it.

Hear this: This isn't about what you want.

Honestly, I had some sympathy for you, but after that little statement that has vanished.

My thoughts exactly.

This isn't a fad - she's had a decade of telling you she hates her name. You know she avoids bringing things up she'll find uncomfortable, and yet she has worked up the courage to directly ask if she can change her name.

There are no major repercussions of her changing her name to something as normal as Piper, other than some paperwork - she's not asked to change it to Jellybean or something stupid that could affect careers in future.

So your sole reason at this point for no doing it is because you prefer the name you gave her. If you tell her this she's going to correctly assume you think your preferences come before her happiness, even when the change affects her far, far more and more directly than it does you, AND she's just going to change it in 3 years anyway - except with the knowledge she had to wait an extra three years just because you thought your feelings on HER name were important than hers.

Help her. Embrace it with her - get her a personalised tote bag or something with it on. Reward her for being brave enough to ask for something important to her, even though she might have been uncomfortable - if you want to set a boundary that it's not about letting her 'get her own way all the time' (although after a decade we can assume she's not suddenly going to turn into a raging spoilt brat just because you said yes to this one thing) you can explain you've said yes because it's clearly been thought through quite seriously, she's chosen a name that doesn't have any obvious problems, etc - i.e. you've not just said yes automatically.

Remind her she needs to be sure about her name choice because it is a faff to switch things over, and you could suggest going by Piper for 3 months full-time before she makes the legal switch over.

But otherwise - remember it's not about you or your name choices. It's about her and she's been unhappy about something with so few consequences for SUCH a long time.

Why would you want her to be unhappy over a name? You may like it but she clearly doesn’t and it’s not a whim as it’s been ten years.
Do a deed poll and let her change it now so all her exams etc are in the name she prefers.

When my brother was in his mid-teens he announced that he wanted to be called something else and he has been ever since. He's coming up 83. He never changed it legally so all official papers are in his given name. But everyone knows him by his chosen name.
We had an aunt who didn't like her name and she used a different one from when she was young to when she died in her 90s.

Let her choose if she doesn't feel that her given name is 'her'. It do

This does seem really common now I’m noticing. OK it’s just a name in this instance but the whole ease of changing things you don’t like about yourself and how it’s so normalised is a worry

I know we adults do it all the time. Hair colour, diets, clothing, some ladies going as far as bleaching their skin, cosmetic surgery.

I know it’s just a name but I can’t help think this is part of a wider issues we’re not seeing 🤔

Fwiw I changed my name so it wants to linked to my abuser. I refused to carry his name.

Posted too early by mistake.
.
Our Dad was known as another name for most of his life. Like my brother and aunt, he never changed it officially.

If she changes her name before she takes her GCSEs & A levels then all her certificates etc.. will be in the correct name.
Otherwise she will have to spend the rest of her life anytime someone wants to know her qualifications explaining why they are in a different name.

You may love it but it’s clear she doesn’t

Let her change it

This does seem really common now I’m noticing.

Two of my four GPs had names they used and names on their BC. My Aunt (who is in her 80s) as well. My mum used a different surname than her legal one. I know two people in my ancient friend group as well. I think it's always been common.

I used to like Piper, but the character on Orange is the New Black totally ruined it for me.

Maybe compromise? Say it's only been a month and she's had lots of other names before so you're unwilling to do anything legally yet, but if she still wants to change it to Piper this time next year you'll do it?

You’ve got time before her exams etc, I would suggest she goes by the name Piper for a year and if she still wants to, change it then. And keep her existing name as a middle name. She does have the right to be called what she wants, it’s her life after all. Some things you just have to let go of.

At 13, I think it's reasonable that young people start expressing their own opinions AND that their parents support them in this, within reason. From what you say, you are dismissing her opinions out of hand on the grounds she is too young. At 13 she'll be seeing herself as grown and capable of acting independently. We know she's not, you know she's not, but it's your job to make sure she grows into the independent adult she wants to be. And she wants to be Piper.

My daughter gets really embarrassed for some reason and has always been very secretive, especially if she thinks she will get embarrassed or if something is not allowed. She also tries to find ways around things and likes to change the subject a lot.

If you're closing down her reasons for wanting to change her name - this is why she's secretive. I agree with others - have conversations with your DD - why she doesn't like her name? What is it about 'Piper' that she likes? Don't dismiss what she says - listen. And conversations - not interrogations. Have you explained to her for example how you choose her name?

I am worried that she will be able to change it behind my back when she turns 16. I love her name and I don’t want her to change it.

But she will be able to change it. In your relationship with her - is this the hill you want to die on?

Names are incredibly personal and powerful and they have to 'fit' the individual.

Call her Piper, don’t change any paperwork. Off the top of my bed I can think of a dozen people I know known by a name not on their passport. Reasons- lovely nickname for awful first name, 2 known by middle as first name one of many in class, one unpronounceable in the country she moved to etc.

Is it Stormy-waters Cloud?!

What's her actual name op she might have a point especially as she's disliked it for a long time.

Why can't she leave her given name as her official name and be called by her new name?

If she still feels the same way when she is older she can change it officially herself.

I have a short boring name, 3 letters, and always wanted to be called Rachel. I'm older now and love my real name.

Is it Kody?