13 year old wants to change name

[Cosyella3]

My 13 year old daughter really wants to change her name. She’s hated her name for years, since she was about 3 and always insisted on being called different names when she was younger. She hasn’t started on another name for a few years, but she still complains about her name. My daughter used to pick certain names because of a character or a celebrity or person she really liked. She wanted to be called Sophia when she was 5 because of a girl in her class, and a name of some Mario Kart character when she was 8. She’s “had” lots of different names over the years, some that I can’t even remember. She also likes to search for pretty or uncommon girls names online (her real name is still pretty uncommon). I dropped my daughter off at school last week and I heard her friends saying “Hi Piper”. When I picked her up from school, I told her I know she asked her friends to call her by this new name. I asked her if she wanted to be called Piper and she said yes. I don’t really like the name to be honest. My daughter gets really embarrassed for some reason and has always been very secretive, especially if she thinks she will get embarrassed or if something is not allowed. She also tries to find ways around things and likes to change the subject a lot. My daughter has been asking to change her name officially, and I explained to her that I won’t do it for because she’s still young and not able to make her own decisions. She keeps getting upset about it but I keep saying no. She cried last night and she told me if I changed her name for her she would feel happier about herself. Am I doing the right thing?

Her brother chose her name?

Hmm, if I didn’t like my name AND I was told that my brother chose it, I’d pick a name that I felt was more me.

Give her room to grow into a name she’s happy with.
People have always mixed up their given forenames & brought in a rogue moniker.

One of the joys of family history research is finding out how people played with names given by naming conventions & those adopted by choice.

You need to get to the bottom of the reasons why she hates her name so much, because once she turns 16, she will legally be able to change her name without consulting you. That could cause some major deterioration in your relationship with her.

So what if she does? If she hates her name, why shouldn’t she change it and why should it impact on her relationship with someone who supposedly loves her and wants her to be happy?

I really don’t like my name. I wish I’d changed it when I was a teenager. I’m too old really to do it now, but I’m sure my mum would have understood.

You really need to tell us her given name. It could make a huge difference to our responses.
I have disliked my name since primary school, I do so wish I had changed it.

Let her go by Piper, keep real name on paperwork, tell her when she's 18 she can change paperwork. Is her original name Balonz?

I think this is spot on!

I used to fantasise about changing my name as a teen - my name was uncommon and I wanted a name that didn’t stand out.
I grew to love my name once I left adolescence.

At the end of the day, whether you like the name or not is irrelevant. What matter is whether or not she feels comfortable with it. I hate my name, I have always hated my name. Ds feels the same way. I told him to pick a new one. Ironically we both want the same new name (gender non specific kinda name) Caused much amusement.

It is much nicer to have a name you like than to feel like you are dying inside and being uncomfortable just because someone has addressed you by the name you were given. A little piece of your soul dies every single time.

Find a way to make peace and a compromise, because this can and will drive a wedge between you if you don't. And ultimately it can be incredibly damaging to self esteem and confidence.

My 20yr old goes by a shortened version of her middle name, though people that have known her before she decided that use her original name which she's fine with.
I don't mind at all.

My grandmother was known as Helen most of her life, that wasn't her name.
My Aunt was known as Kate all her life but that wasn't the name she was christened with.
My husband's Aunt is known as Jane but that wasn't her birth name.
My friend is known as Heather but her 'real name' is Diana.
I only ever use a short form of my name. I have done for 35+ years. I really dislike the full name.

At present my DC liked their name but if they decide to change it later it's their decision, not mine.

I wouldn't change it legally because I have a feeling that the name a 13-year-old chooses isn't going to be the name they want to keep forever.

@Cosyella3

She has never been bullied because of her name and she has wanted to change it for a very long time. I am worried that she will be able to change it behind my back when she turns 16. I love her name and I don’t want her to change it.

Maybe I'm an amateur psychologist a million miles off the mark, but maybe she hates her name because she's always had a sense that to you her name is all about you, and maybe your power over her, and nothing to do with her?

I do feel for you, and I wouldn't like DCs rejecting the names we chose, but it's her name, her identity, her relationship with the world. It's only a name, she's not rejecting your entire worldview or your family or you, it's just a bloomin' few letters!

She may well have hated her name for 10 years but she has also changed it to many different names over that time so clearly she's not set on one. I would call her by her preferred new name but say that changing it officially isn't going to happen until she is older and is absolutely certain it is the name she wants to stick with.

@ThirdElephant

I used to like Piper, but the character on Orange is the New Black totally ruined it for me.

Maybe compromise? Say it's only been a month and she's had lots of other names before so you're unwilling to do anything legally yet, but if she still wants to change it to Piper this time next year you'll do it?

Same

I’m one of 4, and 3 of us have officially changed our names. My parents are terrible at choosing names, our birth names were horrific!

They were upset the first time - it felt like a rejection of them.

But we’ve all been happily using our new names for donkeys years (almost 30 for the eldest) and everybody’s got used to it.

Bottom line is, having a name you just don’t like is really unpleasant, especially if it’s an unusual one.

By the sounds of it, she’s very fixed that she doesn’t like the name you chose. So you will help your relationship and your daughter the best by supporting her to choose the right new name, and helping her do the necessary paperwork.

If she changes her name before the GCSEs that will make future admin stuff slightly easier, although you can just get the certificates reissued in the new name.

Key thing is: this is not about you, or her relationship with you, unless you make it be! She has every right to choose a name she’s comfortable with.

Whilst I'd love to know what her given name is, it doesn't actually matter. That's because this is how she feels about the name, not what we think.

I know how she feels. My given name is dreadful. It's a Gaelic name and not one of the nice ones either! Thankfully, my initial could be a name in itself and that's what people generally refer to me as, rather than the usual diminutive version.

@Cosyella3

She said she’s been going by Piper for nearly a month now. I think I can’t really do anything, she’s growing up. I will just miss the name, and her brother chose it, but I did give in and I have been calling her this name.

What's her relationship like with her brother?

If she's hated it since she was 3 and now 13 surely just let her change it, after careful discussion about the fact that her choice must be final and she can't be then changing it every few months.

If she hates it that much she is going to change it at 16 anyway, no matter how much you object.

I know a family who changed their DC's name at 6 because he hated his (admittedly ridiculous) name and stuck out like a sore thumb at his school with it.

What is her actual name?

My daughter had quite an unusual, old fashioned, but not 'out there' name - she was the only one in her school with the name and she hated it at around this age and wanted to change it to a more commonly used one as she felt odd with an unusual name.
Now she's 19 she loves it and it's relative uniqueness.

The moral of that story is that teenage girls are very, VERY fickle beings, show me one that isn't at least some point in their teenage life and I'll show you a sabre tooth tiger in the flesh.

If it was me I would say you can be known by whatever you like and legally change it when you're of an age to, but until then legally your name is 'x' . Your feelings are also valid here and it's natural for you to feel a little odd about it, so don't feel like you don't matter in this, because you do.

I know a family who changed their DC's name at 6 because he hated his (admittedly ridiculous) name and stuck out like a sore thumb at his school with it
Poor lad. The playground can be the cruellest judge of all and people often forget that.

I would let her go by her chosen name and tell her that if she continues to like it in a year you will have a discussion with her about seeing a solicitor to change it formally.

Explain to her that you understand, but that she may change her mind about this particular name. Not because she is a child, but because it’s a huge decision. And any decision needs time.

Yes she’s hated her name for years but she only chose Piper a month ago. No big decisions she made as quickly as that. Not at 13 anyway.

What's the name!?!?!?!?

She can legally change it when she's 16 so I would help her change it if she still likes the name then.

My dd was the same. Used to ask me why she wasn't called Cinderella or Gabriella (from High School Musical). She doesn't have a name that she likes atm but is always moaning about the name that I picked. She doesn't like it as it can be a boy or girls name

My daughter used to pick certain names because of a character or a celebrity or person she really liked. She wanted to be called Sophia when she was 5 because of a girl in her class, and a name of some Mario Kart character when she was 8. She’s “had” lots of different names over the years, some that I can’t even remember. She also likes to search for pretty or uncommon girls names online (her real name is still pretty uncommon).

I'm struck by this part, to be honest.

What assurance does the OP have that her daughter isn't going to get bored with "Piper" before long and want to change it again? Is it really a problem with her birth name, or is it a symptom of general fickleness and discontentedness, always wanting to be something that you're not?

I think that at the very minimum I'd be requiring her to stick to the same name for at LEAST a year before taking any steps to make it permanent.

What is her given name? Is it really that bad?