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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

13 year old wants to change name

196 replies

Cosyella3 · 02/10/2021 14:25

My 13 year old daughter really wants to change her name. She’s hated her name for years, since she was about 3 and always insisted on being called different names when she was younger. She hasn’t started on another name for a few years, but she still complains about her name. My daughter used to pick certain names because of a character or a celebrity or person she really liked. She wanted to be called Sophia when she was 5 because of a girl in her class, and a name of some Mario Kart character when she was 8. She’s “had” lots of different names over the years, some that I can’t even remember. She also likes to search for pretty or uncommon girls names online (her real name is still pretty uncommon). I dropped my daughter off at school last week and I heard her friends saying “Hi Piper”. When I picked her up from school, I told her I know she asked her friends to call her by this new name. I asked her if she wanted to be called Piper and she said yes. I don’t really like the name to be honest. My daughter gets really embarrassed for some reason and has always been very secretive, especially if she thinks she will get embarrassed or if something is not allowed. She also tries to find ways around things and likes to change the subject a lot. My daughter has been asking to change her name officially, and I explained to her that I won’t do it for because she’s still young and not able to make her own decisions. She keeps getting upset about it but I keep saying no. She cried last night and she told me if I changed her name for her she would feel happier about herself. Am I doing the right thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cosyella3 · 02/10/2021 15:49

Her real name is Sienna but we call her Cici

OP posts:
KittenKong · 02/10/2021 15:49

@trumpisagit

I am very suprised a 3 year old would n't like her name, but yes I would run with Piper for now. She may change her mind.
Oh I hated my name from, oh forever.

Too long, too frilly (and open to embarrassing bullying later on). My family always called me something completely different (a complete mash of my name by an older sibling) and that was ok (daft but ok).

I’m used to my ‘real’ name now - it’s handy for situations when I want to sound ‘grown up’ I suppose and I’ve heard worse I suppose...

KittenKong · 02/10/2021 15:49

(Piper is horrible though)

TrollsAreSaddos · 02/10/2021 15:50

@Snugglepumpkin

If she changes her name before she takes her GCSEs & A levels then all her certificates etc.. will be in the correct name. Otherwise she will have to spend the rest of her life anytime someone wants to know her qualifications explaining why they are in a different name.
I agree with this. I’d let her change it now while it’s still easy.
ShuddaBeenMe · 02/10/2021 15:52

Piper is a terrible name. Sienna is nicer.

KittenKong · 02/10/2021 15:52

Just realised why I don’t like Piper - Piper Alpha (for those old enough)

NumberTheory · 02/10/2021 15:52

I think, even at 13, it's up to her what she's called and I would respect that and ask school etc. to use the name she likes. I wouldn't change her name officially now, but I would resign myself to the idea that she will almost certainly do it as soon as she can.

The only reason I wouldn't agree to doing it officially is that she has been so indecisive and having a long paper trail to prove your identity when you need to can be a challenge. I'd point that out, so that she's aware for the future when she makes her own decisions. If she sticks with Piper for 3 years it may not be too bad a choice, but point out (perhaps closer to the time) that, fo example, if she changes her name to Piper before her GCSEs and that goes on her certificates and she later changes her name to something else and that goes on her degree and then she changes her name to something else and applies for jobs, documenting her qualifications becomes problematic. So sometimes, especially if you like to be fluid, it's easier to keep a legal name and just change what you ask to be called.

I know you love the name you gave her, and it's a shame she doesn't too. But you can't make her like it. Holding on to it will just create bad associations with it for her. Let it go.

ofwarren · 02/10/2021 15:52

Oh OP, Sienna is a lovely name! I much prefer it to Piper.
I was expecting it to be something really random.

ImInStealthMode · 02/10/2021 15:54

It's a lovely name @Cosyella3 but easy for me to say as I'm not her. If she doesn't like it then she doesn't like it.

Would you agree a timescale with her, say end of 2022 and if she's still committed to Piper help her change it then? PPs made a good point about her exam certificates; it seems a shame to have them 'wrong' for the sake of a few months until she can do it herself.

KittenKong · 02/10/2021 15:54

And at 13 I did toy with the idea of a new name. I can’t remember what I considered (I think it was Netty) but it would have been tragic!

Mrsfrumble · 02/10/2021 15:54

@ShuddaBeenMe

Piper is a terrible name. Sienna is nicer.
It doesn’t really matter what other people think though, does it? For what it’s worth, I prefer Sienna to Piper, but that’s no comfort to OP’s daughter who clearly doesn’t like Sienna and never has.
TatianaBis · 02/10/2021 15:54

Sienna nn CiCi is absolutely fine.

Some name issues are the name itself - Balonz/Garyanne/Stormy-Waters. But some are about the child's relationship to themselves - shyness, awkwardness, self-consciousness can be projected onto their name as it represents them in the world.

In this instance I would say no, because I think she may come to like it in the long run. (And Piper is worse). And say she can change it when she goes to uni if she still feels strongly about it.

Mumwithbaggage · 02/10/2021 15:55

I always hated my name - still don't like it - it's a boy/girl name and everyone spells it wrong. It used to really annoy me and I was not happy my parents gave me a dull boy name. I spent most of my teenage years wondering what to change it to.

On my PG course, a guy introduced himself as Eddie so that's what we all called him. It was nearly a year before he told us he'd changed it just before the course started!

My children all have 3 names to choose from/adapt. Whatever they choose to call themselves, I love them just as much. A name is just a name. I put up with mine now though I still loathe it - it's not really important to me.

balernobetty · 02/10/2021 15:56

@pointythings

I love her name and I don’t want her to change it.

Hear this: This isn't about what you want. Angry

Honestly, I had some sympathy for you, but after that little statement that has vanished.

Totally agree with this. If you don't allow her to do this she will do this when she's 16 whether you like it or not
rachelvbwho · 02/10/2021 15:57

I love the name Piper!

I would offer to support her changing her name to Piper Sienna, that way Sienna still remains a part of her and if for whatever reason she wants to go back to using it then she can without issue. .

Ultimately if she ends up going behind your back to change it at 16 she will resent you and always remember that she had to do that. Being supportive now will mean a lot in the long run! The fact she has always disliked her name is quite telling and should make you see this as more than a fickle idea.

DappyApple · 02/10/2021 15:57

Well I don’t think you should change it legally just yet in case she decides to change it again. Tell her you will refer to her chosen name and that if she’s still comfortable using that name further down the line (at least a year) then you will discuss making it legal.

MacMahon · 02/10/2021 15:58

What are your reasons for not wanting her to change it?

JustLyra · 02/10/2021 15:59

As someone who changed their name at 14 I’d say sit down and talk with her.

My grandparents agreed with me (I lived with them) but we sat down and discussed it.

They agreed to do the legal side of things after I’d been using my new name for 12 months.

They allowed me to be known as my new name everywhere right away.

I wanted to change my name for as long as I could remember. I’m now in my 40s with children of my own and I still have nothing more than a cordial “how are you” at funerals and weddings type relationship with the relatives that refused to use my new name or who went on and on and on and on about their opinion of my name and failed to understand that it was my name and I hated it.

Ignoring the issue isn’t going to make it go away when you yourself say your daughter has hated her name for a long time.

Newusernamelalala · 02/10/2021 16:00

If she feels that strongly I think you should let her use it and be known by it and tell her that she can change it herself when she’s 16, by which time she’ll know she really wants to stick to it. I wouldn’t change it legally until then. Too much faff if she changes her mind to a new name

ByThePool2021 · 02/10/2021 16:02

I’ve always hated my name and spent much of my childhood wanting to be called something different. I wish I had changed it when I was younger instead of just sucking it up and now with family and career it feels to difficult to change now.
Call her Piper if that’s her wish.

ThreeLittleDots · 02/10/2021 16:02

It's her name, let her change it - it doesn't sound like it's a whim.

GothicaAutistica · 02/10/2021 16:02

I prefer to use a variant of my legal given name. My legal name is a middle aged woman's, unglamorous moniker. I've even seen my given name slated unanimously here on MN. Someone referred to it as a "rubbish name." Someone else said it sounded "middle aged." Okay, except I was only twenty at the time!

The variant is much more timeless, elegant and feminine. The only reason I haven't changed it legally is because I still have quite a few years left to run on my pre-Brexit passport and I have just acquired a new driver's licence. Changing over woud be such a faff, and and expensive one at that!

The variant is only a single letter difference, but it completely alters the connotation and pronunciation of the name. Along the lines of changing 'Sarah' to 'Sara.'

Suprima · 02/10/2021 16:06

I have met no balanced teenager who ‘hates’ their first name to this level unless there have been supporting issues or they are named after an evil family member. Does she have other problems with peers, identity or any anxiety? It’s a very privileged, woe-is-me issue to have. Confused

Still, I would compromise.

Let her add piper as a middle name.

Explain that lots of adults all of the time go by their middle names and she can flag this up as ‘oh my given name is seraphina but I go by my middle name, piper’.

Disfordarkchocolate · 02/10/2021 16:06

I'm with you that Sienna is much nicer than Piper (dog name). However, in reality you have no say in this and just need to go with the flow. At 16 she can change her name legally and may well want to do it before she gets her exam certificates.

I wonder if she will like Sienna less or more now it's a royal baby name?

Mama1980 · 02/10/2021 16:09

Slightly different situation but my dd1 is adopted, she kept her birth name but begged to change it for as long as I could remember. Every single psychologist I consulted or who saw her (she had trauma counselling) advised that whilst she was still a child she should not be given such a responsibility/such agency.
As a compromise we called her by a related but different name in day to day life. I was lucky in that's her understood what I was saying even if she didn't agree. When she turned 18 she legally changed it herself to the related but different name and I supported her 100%.
I would advise saying you will call her by a different name, i.e showing her you respect her choice, but that she will have to wait until she's older to legally act.