13 year old wants to change name

[Cosyella3]

My 13 year old daughter really wants to change her name. She’s hated her name for years, since she was about 3 and always insisted on being called different names when she was younger. She hasn’t started on another name for a few years, but she still complains about her name. My daughter used to pick certain names because of a character or a celebrity or person she really liked. She wanted to be called Sophia when she was 5 because of a girl in her class, and a name of some Mario Kart character when she was 8. She’s “had” lots of different names over the years, some that I can’t even remember. She also likes to search for pretty or uncommon girls names online (her real name is still pretty uncommon). I dropped my daughter off at school last week and I heard her friends saying “Hi Piper”. When I picked her up from school, I told her I know she asked her friends to call her by this new name. I asked her if she wanted to be called Piper and she said yes. I don’t really like the name to be honest. My daughter gets really embarrassed for some reason and has always been very secretive, especially if she thinks she will get embarrassed or if something is not allowed. She also tries to find ways around things and likes to change the subject a lot. My daughter has been asking to change her name officially, and I explained to her that I won’t do it for because she’s still young and not able to make her own decisions. She keeps getting upset about it but I keep saying no. She cried last night and she told me if I changed her name for her she would feel happier about herself. Am I doing the right thing?

@Suprima

I have met no balanced teenager who ‘hates’ their first name to this level unless there have been supporting issues or they are named after an evil family member. Does she have other problems with peers, identity or any anxiety? It’s a very privileged, woe-is-me issue to have.

Still, I would compromise.

Let her add piper as a middle name.

Explain that lots of adults all of the time go by their middle names and she can flag this up as ‘oh my given name is seraphina but I go by my middle name, piper’.

Oh I was fairly balanced - just extremely shy and embarrassed by having such a long frilly name that people always commented on. I know loads of people who wanted to change their names/spellings of their names as teens.

CiCi does remind me a bit of something you’d call a dog by, but Sienna is nice. However, what I or anyone else thinks, including you, doesn’t matter when she hates her name so much. Just because lots of people think it’s a pretty name doesn’t mean she does. Same with Piper - if she likes it then good for her.

Personally if it were me I’d support my child to use a different name if it felt better for them and ask them to use it for at least a year or two before changing it legally.

I really think you do need to get over the desire for her to keep her birth name because it’s meaningful to you and you like it. Too many parents do this - pick names that are meaningful to them or let another family member name their child or name a child after a relative etc - without ever considering how that child might feel about it. You don’t name a child for yourself, you name them for them. What you chose was not right for her, sucks but that’s the way it is. She’s the one who has to use it so she should be able to change it if she wants to.

I wouldnt make a legal change until she is old enough to do that herself. However OP I think you are going to have to come to terms with the fact that while you love the name you chose, she doesnt.

She will still be the daughter you love, regardless of her name.

In answer to the original question, I would allow your DD to change her name, but insist that she will have to stick it out with Piper for a year or so yet. A month really isn't long enough to make such a lifelong decision.

Everyone saying that they are too old to change their names now; I'd say go for it! Of course you're not too old.

I'm not comfortable that she was bullied because of her name, but you refused to change it because 'you like it'.

I would be incredibly resentful of that if I was your daughter.

I partly changed my name by common usage when I was about 18, and subsequently made a Statutory Declaration. It is easy and cheap. I notified Inland Revenue and National Insurance, everybody else just believes what I say. I have a copy on file in the unlikely event I am challenged (never have been)

Nobody could have stopped me.

It is nobody's business but mine.

I automatically think about Piper Alpha

FWIW my child has their (now) pretty absent father’s surname and is a surname i dislike. I asked a while back if they wanted to change it to match mine and they said no as it was their name and they liked it. Their choice. My preference would be for it to change but it’s their name, their life and identity.

I hate the name Sienna, and Cici sounds awful, too. I can understand why she wants to change it.

It's clear that she has hated her name for a very long time, and all the other names she has used are probably ones she's just been trying out.

So, I would agree with the suggestion that she use the name Piper for a year, and if she still likes it change it officially before exams.

We, as parents choose a name for our child, but once that name has been given, it belongs to the child and they can change it if they want.

My parents were lucky I liked my name. I grew up being the only girl with the name, not just in school, but the whole town. If I had't liked it, I would definitely have changed it.

@ThreeLittleDots

It's her name, let her change it - it doesn't sound like it's a whim.

Yes it is , she's only been using it for a month and has used several others in the past.

I think if she's still using Piper in a year, OP, then you should reconsider.

My 9yo has wanted to change her name since she was 4. Always the same name, doesn't hate hers, just prefers this other one. We've agreed that, if she's still set on it in 2 years when she goes up to secondary then I will put that as her preferred name and we'll take it from there.

I agree with the others that say let her use Piper but it would be daft to legally change it at this point when she has cycled through so many names to date. If she sticks with Piper for a while then she can legally change it.

She hasn't liked her name since she was 3 years old and has not wavered. This is not a passing fancy, let her change her name.

I’m surprised she doesn’t like Sienna, it’s a popular name and Sienna Miller as a namesake is pretty cool. Then again she has disliked the name for a long time so probably isn’t going to change her mind. Would she not go by her middle name and use that as her ‘real’ name. That’s quite common, I know a few people who do that.

I wouldn’t let her legally change her name now but wouldn’t rule it out. She has switched names a few times and been easily swayed by trends and characters/shows she likes. She’s also at 13 entering her teens and will be going through big changes. I would ask that she stick to a name for the next couple of years and then you will look in to changing it if she still feels the same. She can carry on using it in the mean time.

I would be concerned she thinks she will be happier and her life will better just because of a name change. He life won’t magically change, I would be wondering if there is another source of unhappiness or anxiety.

I don't like Sienna, I don't think it has a nice sound. And Cici is worse.

It sounds like she is changing her name at the drop of a hat according to who is the latest big deal on tik tok / the latest celebrity etc which is not the greatest reason to change it officially.

Sienna is a lovely name. Not sure about CiCi, but that's just my opinion.

I would try to put her off until at least 18 - she sounds very easily influenced by the current 'in-thing.' Maybe she needs to build up her self esteem?

its HER name not YOUR name. her name, her choice. I'd tell her that she can be called whatever she wants but your ADVICE is to do nothing until she is 16 so that she can live with her new name and be sure

You may find as well if you accept her decision to change her name she’ll settle on the one she wants

I went through a few names when I first mooted changing because I was desperately trying to find one that the adults in my life would say “Yes, that’s ok, you can change to that one”

Only once we had a proper conversation did I have the confidence to say “I want to be called this” and never wavered since

Haven’t RTFT, sorry if I’m repeating suggestions. I would let her use the chosen name, tell family to use it too, for a year or so for her to be really sure she is happy with it. If it works she can change it when she is 16, or you can change it for her before.

I always hated my name until I moved abroad and was addressed by the Spanish version. I now use that.

@Cosyella3

Her real name is Sienna but we call her Cici

This is on the list for my next baby... maybe not then!

To put it politely, I think Sienna is not the best - just makes me think of rust brown. I have a name I hate. I have always hated it and it hasn't grown on me and at my age it's too late to change. The name is drab and old-fashioned and it was a mistake. I was called after my late grandmother who died when my father was young and he misrembered the name. I got my other grandmother's name as a second name and it is almost worse. I think if a young person hates their name they should be allowed to change it. I wish I'd been firm about it at the time but I was married with children when one of my children who was keen on geneology told me about the mistake. My grandmother's real name was quite pretty and I would have much preferred it.

Sienna or Cici is so much nicer than Piper.

She clearly doesn't like it one bit but changes what she likes like the weather.

I think the only thing you can do in this situation is call her what she wants and then when she's 18 she can have it legally changed if she wants to.

It’s sad she feels the need to change her name to the latest ‘cool’ celeb names. I’d try to talk to her about that and her relationships with her peers. Changing her name won’t stop bullying or a huge lack of confidence. A name doesn’t transmit coolness or confidence - it’s the person who does that.

My friend changed her name when she was 14 - then changed it back around 6 months later. She refused to discuss why, but my guess is that she realised she was still the same person inside. I went through names I wanted to be called when I was 11. It was mainly names from books. It was simply an attempt at re-invention - to be cooler, stronger, named after a heroine, etc.

So, I’d have the above chat with her first. Then I’d agree to call her Piper and say that in 12 months you’ll review that and see whether she still likes it or whether she’s flip-flopped to a newer trendy name.

You can’t stop her changing her name at 16 but you could simply add Piper, or whatever name she then wants, to her original name and use that as her chosen name.

My 12yr old daughter is called Sienna & I would be a bit gutted if she wanted to change it as I think it really suits her, but if she did want to, I would support her by letting her use a new name. Especially if it was Jennifer as I love that name.lol.
I hated my name & the way it was spelt, and started putting ie instead of ey when I was 14. Still hate the name though.

I changed my name through Statutory Declaration - when I was in my early twenties. It was quite a big thing to do, although I have never regretted having done so.

But I'd echo the idea that it is important to emphasise that this is something which can be done, but it's really important to find the right name as it's something your daughter will want to live with for a long long time. Maybe the right name is something she will 'grow into'.

Perhaps it's partly about acknowledging that yes, she is beginning to be more grown up, more able to make her own choices - and if she wants to start trying out the name Piper, you'll do your best to call her that.