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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this selfish?

215 replies

cantbuylilt · 02/10/2021 08:00

Just reading on another thread about a couple where the man is a higher earner, and the woman is scraping by, with lots of people saying it's selfish of him to keep the money to himself.

I've been living with my partner for 6 years, together for a lot longer. We're not married yet, but are engaged. I am the higher earner. He used to earn more, but reduced hours gradually since we moved in together.

We each get paid into our own accounts and transfer money to the joint account. It works out at roughly 1/4 of outgoings is paid by him, and 3/4 by me. His wages vary month to month, depending on how much work he has picked up, or turned down.

Anything 'big', like kitchen appliances, holidays, new boiler etc is paid for by me. I also pay the water bill by myself, in one go for the year.

He recently cancelled an eye appointment, because he said he couldn't afford to buy new glasses. He lives in his overdraft most of the time and has no savings. For a while, about 3 years ago, he didn't work for a year and I paid for everything by myself during that time.

I know I do a lot, and pay my way. But just reading that other thread made me feel guilty, that I have plenty of money saved, but he is struggling to afford new glasses. Our old oven broke earlier this week, and I just bought a new one- he said he'd never be able to do that. However, he is capable of working more and could pick up more hours easily. He just doesn't want to.

AIBU to not pool our money?

OP posts:
TrueRefuge · 02/10/2021 08:02

How few hours does he do exactly?? And what does he spend his money on?

Unless you live in a very expensive place and buy high-end things, I'm struggling to see how this works out. You're already paying 3/4 of everything, plus all the big things.....

I certainly don't think you need to feel guilty.

froggy45 · 02/10/2021 08:04

I think it's my thread you are talking about.

The key difference is that you pay proportional amounts to household living costs that are consistent with your wages. I earn far less than dp but am still paying about half of the living costs.

Your partner also doesn't sound like he's that great with money.

I don't think you always have to pool your money. But if you struggle to see your partner with broken glasses or going without other things then you can always offer to help him out if you can afford it.

You're also not married whereas we are and we have a baby on the way so I would expect a bit more of a team effort. I'm gearing myself up to have the conversation with him now.

JennysWell · 02/10/2021 08:04

If you marry it will all be half his

Original poster
cantbuylilt · 02/10/2021 08:06

His hours do vary. It's between 2 and 10 hours per week, roughly.

He buys music and hardware for his computer, vapes and he buys his own lunch from the corner shop, although we always have food in the house he could have instead.

I'm not extravagant at all. Before I met him, money was really tight for me and I was literally living on pennies. The memory of that has made me a bit wary of overspending.

OP posts:
Martinisarebetterdirty · 02/10/2021 08:07

Sorry but do not marry this man. He will be entitled to half of everything. He’s choosing to not work and you’re paying for so much.

OwlinaTree · 02/10/2021 08:07

No, you are paying more proportionally, and presumably he's not working less to look after children or due to poor health, just because he wants to. I wouldn't pool everything.

I would probably pay for the glasses though. I paid for a big ticket health thing for my DH once when he was skint due to paying off debt.

Knitwit101 · 02/10/2021 08:07

He sometimes only works 2 hours a week? No wonder he's skint

Original poster
cantbuylilt · 02/10/2021 08:08

Sorry, froggy. I didn't want to piggyback on your thread. Yes, those are key differences.

Jenny, yes, I know that things will be different when we get married... if we get married. The money issues are one of the reasons I've held off making plans for the wedding, to be honest.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 02/10/2021 08:08

I wouldn't have an issue with your financial set up, but I would be worried about marrying someone who is childlike about money and bills. Do you want to have to have that parental/rescuer role in the relationship?

HollowTalk · 02/10/2021 08:10

Why is he reducing his hours? Is he looking after children or looking after himself?

ScarlettSunset · 02/10/2021 08:11

I don't think you should feel guilty at all. It sounds as though he is in a position to easily be able to earn more but chooses not to.
If that's the case he's made a conscious decision to not be able to afford things and to have you pay most of his living costs so he doesn't have to.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 02/10/2021 08:11

Is he choosing NOT to work, or struggling to find work?

If its laziness... then no, you shouldn't be paying for him
If he struggling to find work, and doing everything he can, and has no caring responsibilities, then its different.

ItoldyouIwastrouble · 02/10/2021 08:11

Why has he cut his hours? How many does he do? If he's cut his hours purely for more free time I don't feel it's fair you are now covering more of the bills. I'd also reconsider marrying him. Surely he can agree to more hours over the next couple of weeks to cover his glasses.

MadeOfStarStuff · 02/10/2021 08:11

Why does he do so few hours? It sounds like it’s his choice rather than circumstances (eg due to disability or childcare)

Phineyj · 02/10/2021 08:12

I mean, I've spent 20 years with someone whose idea of financial planning is to put bank statements in a drawer without opening them, but he has earned a reliable monthly wage throughout. I don't think I could bear to be the main wage earner and have to do all the planning ahead and administration. And if I was, I would absolutely not merge finances other than having a bills account.

Fireflygal · 02/10/2021 08:12

How old are you both? If he's at home more does he do all the chores? If he is choosing not to work or contribute to the house then YANBU.

Will you really continue to respect a person with such a work ethics? I would struggle with it.

Are you aware that your assets, savings, pensions, equity will be shared 50:50 if you marry and divorce?

MattHancocksSexTape · 02/10/2021 08:13

He sounds a right catch. 2 - 10 hours a week and doesn’t pay his fair share.

FinallyHere · 02/10/2021 08:13

AIBU to not pool our money?

Can you honestly not see any difference between supporting someone who is available for full time / better paid work and just doesn't work that much...

And someone who takes time off for maternity leave and then reduces their hours in order to look after joint children?

Sparklfairy · 02/10/2021 08:14

Why does he turn down work? What does he do with the rest of his time?

Do not marry him!

Atalune · 02/10/2021 08:15

Does he have a mental or physical illness that prevents him from working? Or caring duties?

What you have is a cock lodger.

LemonTT · 02/10/2021 08:15

Some of the breadwinner and indeed homemaker issues are black and white. But there are grey areas particularly when either one of a couple isn’t pulling their weight in one or both of the roles. The question is of course, can they pull their weight and if so why aren’t they.

If you don’t like the answer and you resent being the person who subsides the other person it needs to confronted. In reality a lot of men and women subside their OH and never resent it. Or at least not until it breaks up.

My values would make this impossible for me to accept. I expect to pay my way in life not rely on anyone else to do it for me. Subsidising me is not an act of love and I find the concept abhorrent. I wouldn’t respect your DP because my values wouldn’t let me. I would feel the same if the genders were reversed.

Original poster
cantbuylilt · 02/10/2021 08:16

He's not disabled, and we don't have children, so he's not caring for anyone but himself.

He regularly has contacts asking him to work, enough to fill an entire working week. He is good at his job, fast and accurate, so he's often in demand. However, it is freelance, so can be unpredictable.

He hasn't come right out and said that he just can't be bothered to work, but he has said that it's nice to have my steady wage coming in every month, that it takes the pressure off.

OP posts:
Milkshake54 · 02/10/2021 08:17

Me and my DH were more financially independent from each other (although our salaries were very equal) until we had a baby. Then it went to proportional splits and pooled together a lot more money - because we need to. So it may change as life progresses?

MoiraRose4 · 02/10/2021 08:21

I couldn’t respect a man who chose to work 2-10 hours a week, with no disability or caring responsibilities, and yet couldn’t afford to buy himself new glasses or pull his financial weight in the household. I cannot understand why you would be ok with this.

Limer · 02/10/2021 08:21

He hasn't come right out and said that he just can't be bothered to work, but he has said that it's nice to have my steady wage coming in every month, that it takes the pressure off.

Nice to have your steady wage coming in = he can't be bothered to work. Cocklodger.

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