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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this selfish?

215 replies

cantbuylilt · 02/10/2021 08:00

Just reading on another thread about a couple where the man is a higher earner, and the woman is scraping by, with lots of people saying it's selfish of him to keep the money to himself.

I've been living with my partner for 6 years, together for a lot longer. We're not married yet, but are engaged. I am the higher earner. He used to earn more, but reduced hours gradually since we moved in together.

We each get paid into our own accounts and transfer money to the joint account. It works out at roughly 1/4 of outgoings is paid by him, and 3/4 by me. His wages vary month to month, depending on how much work he has picked up, or turned down.

Anything 'big', like kitchen appliances, holidays, new boiler etc is paid for by me. I also pay the water bill by myself, in one go for the year.

He recently cancelled an eye appointment, because he said he couldn't afford to buy new glasses. He lives in his overdraft most of the time and has no savings. For a while, about 3 years ago, he didn't work for a year and I paid for everything by myself during that time.

I know I do a lot, and pay my way. But just reading that other thread made me feel guilty, that I have plenty of money saved, but he is struggling to afford new glasses. Our old oven broke earlier this week, and I just bought a new one- he said he'd never be able to do that. However, he is capable of working more and could pick up more hours easily. He just doesn't want to.

AIBU to not pool our money?

OP posts:
Wegobshite · 02/10/2021 10:15

I’m confused you seem to have a decent career and salary so ….
Are you desperate
Bat shit crazy
Or low self esteem
Or possibly all three - just what do you find attractive in a fully grown man that says he’s glad he has your wage coming in so he doesn’t have to work as much. Just that alone would be enough for most sane women to kick him to the kerb
He’s told you that he likes not working and you keeping him - how much clearer can he be other than writing it on his head . He’s basically said he had no intention of working and expects you to carry him .

I mean he’s not looking after kids or elderly parents he’s not disabled or has a health problem that limits his work . It’s not even like he does all the house work
He’s just a gold plated lazy cocklodger who’s found a stupid woman to allow him to do that and be grateful to have him around
I mean just why would you want to be with someone like that.
Whatever you do don’t marry him - because when you get fed up of his lazy ass he will divorce you and probably take half your house and pension and then find another stupid desperate women to cocklodge with
In the meantime you will have probably had to remortgage your house to pay the lazy fucker off and lose a chunk of your pension that you might never get be able to get back

My advice get rid of him - buy a dog if you want unconditional love and get some therapy to understand why your standards are so low they are digging your own grave

ChargingBuck · 02/10/2021 10:23

about 3 years ago, he didn't work for a year and I paid for everything by myself during that time.

& yet YOU are the one feeling guilty?

He stays off work for a year, deliberately reduces his hours, only pays 1/4 of costs ... WHAT are you feeling guilty about?
Who prompted this feeling of guilt?
Who made you feel that it's your responsibility to out-earn & fund your DP?

Paying for new boiler etc sounds like you own your home - whose name is the mortgage in? Who owns what %, & who pays what proportion?

Do you have DC?

Who does the majority of the household chores & mental load?

From your comment However, he is capable of working more and could pick up more hours easily. He just doesn't want to. I'm guessing that you make the lion's share of the non-financial contributions to the house & relationship too.

I think you are being played.
Why else would you feel guilt for carrying an able-bodied adult?

TumtumTree · 02/10/2021 10:26

I don't think you need to dump him, OP, assuming that he is a kind person who brings happiness to your life. Money isn't everything.

But don't subsidise him more than you already do, or feel any guilt about not paying for new glasses (or whatever).

And definitely don't marry him!

TumtumTree · 02/10/2021 10:30

I'm assuming you don't want children btw? If you do my advice would be different!

Lweji · 02/10/2021 10:30

However, he is capable of working more and could pick up more hours easily. He just doesn't want to.

Well...

ChargingBuck · 02/10/2021 10:30

@cantbuylilt

His hours do vary. It's between 2 and 10 hours per week, roughly.

He buys music and hardware for his computer, vapes and he buys his own lunch from the corner shop, although we always have food in the house he could have instead.

I'm not extravagant at all. Before I met him, money was really tight for me and I was literally living on pennies. The memory of that has made me a bit wary of overspending.

Not wary enough, evidently.

You are overspending massively on a habit.
The habit is your DP, who works a maximum of 4 days a month compared to your 20.
You have a cocklodger.

The moaning about his glasses & the faux-naive "I could never afford that" (about the boiler?) are all designed to guilt trip you.

He could afford these things, & more, & to pay his way equally, just by working as hard as you do.

But he doesn't want to - so he manipulates you into providing for his lazy arse, while he guilt trips you.

Is that the behaviour of a loving partner?
You know it is not.

How much money is he costing you every month?
How much could you have sitting in a nice safe savings account by now, had you not wasted it on your habit?

HoppingPavlova · 02/10/2021 10:31

He used to earn more, but reduced hours gradually since we moved in together.

Okay, subsequent mails have clarified this is 2-10hrs/week. Unless you have forgotten to mention a disabled child he is caring for then this is taking the piss. He was working full-time and then on moving in with you has decided to become an utter cock-lodger. Why on earth would you accept this? I was always the higher earner in our family. My DH worked full time! Even when the kids were babies/young we both worked full time with one tagging the other coming in/out the door and managed a family and house. If he had of worked 2-10hrs I would have disposed of him pronto.

HoppingPavlova · 02/10/2021 10:32

I’d also advise him to up his hours ASAP to buy his own glassesHmm.

DrSbaitso · 02/10/2021 10:34

2-10 hours a week? With no parenting, caring or additional housework duties, in fact you still do most of the lattermost?

Yeah, I want to live with you as well.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/10/2021 10:34

@cantbuylilt

He's not disabled, and we don't have children, so he's not caring for anyone but himself.

He regularly has contacts asking him to work, enough to fill an entire working week. He is good at his job, fast and accurate, so he's often in demand. However, it is freelance, so can be unpredictable.

He hasn't come right out and said that he just can't be bothered to work, but he has said that it's nice to have my steady wage coming in every month, that it takes the pressure off.

And

"His hours do vary. It's between 2 and 10 hours per week, roughly."

"He buys music and hardware for his computer, vapes and he buys his own lunch from the corner shop, although we always have food in the house he could have instead."

He has opportunity to earn more and contribute more, but it looks like he's decided he'd rather live the life of a teenager! He's seriously abdicating from adulthood.

In general, I am all for joint finances because there are more ways to contribute to the household than just financially - manual labour, time, caring, life administration are all contributions that are necessary and should be valued. But it doesn't look as if he steps up in those fields either.

I really think you should be sitting down and having The Talk. I'd be asking him how he sees the future (IF he sees the future!). He seems to have stepped back from life and is coasting.

You mentioned "There's some mental health issues- he had a breakdown caused by work stress before we met, so work has always been a contentious issue for him." I think that needs to be something to discuss; how has his breakdown affected him long-term. I don't think he's dealt with it, not really, and fear of a recurrence may be stopping him from - well, from living a full life.

Another thing I'd raise would be - what would he have done if you hadn't been able to return to work following your illness? Would he have stepped up? Did he step up in any way, such as discussing what he would do in that scenario - or did he stick his head in the sand and keep turning work down?

And future planning - he 's barely working now, what are his pension arrangements? Does he have any, or does he plan to live off your pension. That might seem like a far away thing, but raising it will help to focus on the future of this relationship as well as its present.

Bottom line, I think he needs to get some counselling to address his past breakdown. I don't think he's moved past it, not really. And if he doesn't (get conselling or get past it) - do you really want your life to continue this way? Because essentially he won't be your partner, he'll be more like some sort of exotic pet. Not a relationship of equals at all.

And it goes without saying that I'd be feeling very used at this point; that he was with me for my income and not for meSad.

DrSbaitso · 02/10/2021 10:34

What does he actually do all day?

ChargingBuck · 02/10/2021 10:34

He hasn't come right out and said that he just can't be bothered to work, but he has said that it's nice to have my steady wage coming in every month, that it takes the pressure off.

What are you waiting for - a signed confession?

Sure, it takes the pressure off him.
And puts it all on you!

You don't need him to admit this for it to be true.
Tell us more about your domestic arrangements - does he at least make sure that you come home to a sparkling home, all the chores & shopping done, & a nutritious meal cooked for you?

He doesn't, does he ...

DrSbaitso · 02/10/2021 10:36

He hasn't come right out and said that he just can't be bothered to work

Of course he has. Just not with words. With the other thing that speaks louder.

CaptSkippy · 02/10/2021 10:36

OP, this is not about divvinging up the costs farily, this is about him taking the piss and slowly decreasing his contributitions to household finances. It's not only that, he does not proportionally increase his contributions to the household chores.

If he was struggling to find better paid work or get more hours that would be one thing. But in his case it seems deliberate choices to start leaning on you more and more till you are basically his mom, doing everything for him.

You are right in that this is not fair, but it's not fair on you, because he is taking the piss.

ButterflyWitch · 02/10/2021 10:39

Do not marry this man - he will drag you down financially. He chooses not to work or earn more - entirely his choice.

LindaEllen · 02/10/2021 10:42

@cantbuylilt

His hours do vary. It's between 2 and 10 hours per week, roughly.

He buys music and hardware for his computer, vapes and he buys his own lunch from the corner shop, although we always have food in the house he could have instead.

I'm not extravagant at all. Before I met him, money was really tight for me and I was literally living on pennies. The memory of that has made me a bit wary of overspending.

What does he do when he's NOT working? When I was struggling for money DP bought me glasses but I never expected it, and certainly wouldn't if I'd been pissing my money away like he seems to be. He needs to learn to budget for his essentials in addition to the things he wants.
Lweji · 02/10/2021 10:42

It's now overused on MN, but this is a clear case of cocklodging. He works token hours and has the cheek to ask you for stuff for him.

If he mentions the glasses again, even if they're broken, tell him to work a few more hours to pay for them.

But I agree that you need to consider what you get from this relationship.
Money isn't everything, but it's not good when one takes advantage of the other.

And do you want children at all?

DrSbaitso · 02/10/2021 10:43

Money isn't everything

No, but it is a lot. And it's a damn good indication of how a life partner feels about you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/10/2021 10:44

[quote cantbuylilt]**@TractorAndHeadphones, I do feel bad for thinking this, but I had wondered why he told me he'd cancelled the opticians 'because he couldn't afford new glasses', like it was maybe to prompt me saying 'Don't be silly, I'll get them for you.' If his glasses were broken, or he needed a new prescription, I would pay for them, but his current pairs of glasses are absolutely fine.

I think I'm more resentful than I've been admitting to myself.[/quote]
And I expect this isn't the only time he's prompted you to offer to pay for him.

You need to have a set response to these prompts. I'd go with something along the lines of 'Well I'm sure you'll be able to cover it by accepting one or two more of the jobs you're being offered.'

Itsallok · 02/10/2021 10:44

Cocklodger

Lweji · 02/10/2021 10:46

@DrSbaitso

Money isn't everything

No, but it is a lot. And it's a damn good indication of how a life partner feels about you.

Money isn't everything, but it's not good when one takes advantage of the other.

Don't you just hate it when people only quote half a sentence? WinkGrin

goldshade · 02/10/2021 10:46

OP, you have a cocklodger.
It'll only get worse.

Partyowl · 02/10/2021 10:48

The more I read, the worse it gets!

sst1234 · 02/10/2021 10:49

Sorry OP, you’re a doormat.

WineIsMyMainVice · 02/10/2021 10:49

There are huge red flags here for me. I would be very cautious indeed about marrying this man. He sounds very lazy.