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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this selfish?

215 replies

cantbuylilt · 02/10/2021 08:00

Just reading on another thread about a couple where the man is a higher earner, and the woman is scraping by, with lots of people saying it's selfish of him to keep the money to himself.

I've been living with my partner for 6 years, together for a lot longer. We're not married yet, but are engaged. I am the higher earner. He used to earn more, but reduced hours gradually since we moved in together.

We each get paid into our own accounts and transfer money to the joint account. It works out at roughly 1/4 of outgoings is paid by him, and 3/4 by me. His wages vary month to month, depending on how much work he has picked up, or turned down.

Anything 'big', like kitchen appliances, holidays, new boiler etc is paid for by me. I also pay the water bill by myself, in one go for the year.

He recently cancelled an eye appointment, because he said he couldn't afford to buy new glasses. He lives in his overdraft most of the time and has no savings. For a while, about 3 years ago, he didn't work for a year and I paid for everything by myself during that time.

I know I do a lot, and pay my way. But just reading that other thread made me feel guilty, that I have plenty of money saved, but he is struggling to afford new glasses. Our old oven broke earlier this week, and I just bought a new one- he said he'd never be able to do that. However, he is capable of working more and could pick up more hours easily. He just doesn't want to.

AIBU to not pool our money?

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 02/10/2021 08:23

He hasn't come right out and said that he just can't be bothered to work, but he has said that it's nice to have my steady wage coming in every month, that it takes the pressure off.

Thats an appalling attitude tbh. He won't change. He's happy to have you subsidise him. Are you sure you want to continue this relationship?

MintJulia · 02/10/2021 08:23

So you're working full time and he's got his feet up. There is nothing wrong with him except he's lazy. Doesn't he have concerns about loading everything on you? What happens if you get ill or lose your job?
You've allowed this workshy freeloader to become a dependent.
Whatever you do, don't marry him. You deserve better.

Atalune · 02/10/2021 08:25

@cantbuylilt

He's not disabled, and we don't have children, so he's not caring for anyone but himself.

He regularly has contacts asking him to work, enough to fill an entire working week. He is good at his job, fast and accurate, so he's often in demand. However, it is freelance, so can be unpredictable.

He hasn't come right out and said that he just can't be bothered to work, but he has said that it's nice to have my steady wage coming in every month, that it takes the pressure off.

run, run for the hills! Do not have children with him. Get him out
traintraveller · 02/10/2021 08:25

You know fine well you're not being selfish and you're drip feeding comments that will make all of MN agree with you that he's a cocklodger. So just split up.

Original poster
cantbuylilt · 02/10/2021 08:26

@MintJulia, I was ill about two years ago- ended up in intensive care and then had 6 months off to recover. Luckily, I was paid fully during that time, but there were moments when I didn't know how we could cope if I couldn't return to work before my sick pay ran out.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 02/10/2021 08:28

Is he doing 3/4 or more of the housework?

timeisnotaline · 02/10/2021 08:29

I don’t think I could even be in a relationship with a healthy adult who worked 2-10 hours a week just because they felt like it. I certainly wouldn’t feel like helping them buy glasses. That is a completely different scenario to two people working full time who happen to be in different careers with different incomes - in that scenario I pool money. Ditto the scenario where one earns less because they have taken on parenting responsibilities- in that scenario everyone who doesn’t pool money or otherwise support their partner to care for their child isn’t fit to be in a relationship with.

seven201 · 02/10/2021 08:31

I couldn't be with someone like that. If you both worked normal full time hours then you could both retire earlier. He's expecting to be kept. Fine if he were a stay at home dad or something and you both wanted that. All the pressure is on you. I think the new glasses would be the last straw for me. He should just work a day or whatever and then get new glasses instead of cancelling appointments!

You need to have a serious chat about all this. I would resent my husband so much! He sounds lazy. I hope he at least does all the house admin, cleaning and maintenance?

Original poster
cantbuylilt · 02/10/2021 08:31

Thanks, everyone. I'm a bit of a worrier and can be prone to overthinking!! Reading froggy's thread made me wonder if I was being unfair to him.

Someone asked our ages.. we're not young. I'm late 30s, he's late 40s.

OP posts:
Skyeheather · 02/10/2021 08:32

@cantbuylilt

He's not disabled, and we don't have children, so he's not caring for anyone but himself.

He regularly has contacts asking him to work, enough to fill an entire working week. He is good at his job, fast and accurate, so he's often in demand. However, it is freelance, so can be unpredictable.

He hasn't come right out and said that he just can't be bothered to work, but he has said that it's nice to have my steady wage coming in every month, that it takes the pressure off.

But it's not "taking the pressures off" - he's always overdrawn, has no savings, can't afford a new pair of glasses that he needs". He needs to work more hours.

I hope he's doing all the housework, laundry, cooking etc if he's not working more than 10 hours a week?

Aprilx · 02/10/2021 08:35

When we met I was by far the largest earner, in fact DH was unemployed for the first six months or so. When we married I was still the largest earner and I also put the full deposit down on our house. I would never have seen my husband unable to afford glasses, when I found out he had a credit card debt because of my engagement ring I immediately paid it off. I do not understand why you are planning to marry somebody if you do not wish to pool money with them. As far as we are concerned our finances are joint.

The big but here though, is that there is a difference between my DH and this man you are thinking of marrying though. My DH did not choose to be unemployed when I met him nearly two decades ago, was desperate for work then and has since carved out a good career for himself. A man who chooses to work between 2 and 10 hours a week wouldn’t be somebody I would want to marry.

Whentheydontmeanwhattheysay · 02/10/2021 08:36

@cantbuylilt

His hours do vary. It's between 2 and 10 hours per week, roughly.

He buys music and hardware for his computer, vapes and he buys his own lunch from the corner shop, although we always have food in the house he could have instead.

I'm not extravagant at all. Before I met him, money was really tight for me and I was literally living on pennies. The memory of that has made me a bit wary of overspending.

WTH?!

Even with a disability that leaves me floored after working I work more than double his hours!
Isn’t this close to cocklodger territory?

DDiva · 02/10/2021 08:37

He is not paying his share and that is his choice. Work /life balance is important but he is an adult and needs to take responsibility for doing his share and paying his way. Do not marry him you'll be subsidising him for life!

HouseOfFire · 02/10/2021 08:39

@cantbuylilt

His hours do vary. It's between 2 and 10 hours per week, roughly.

He buys music and hardware for his computer, vapes and he buys his own lunch from the corner shop, although we always have food in the house he could have instead.

I'm not extravagant at all. Before I met him, money was really tight for me and I was literally living on pennies. The memory of that has made me a bit wary of overspending.

wow - he's a keeper - why the hell would you want to be with someone who is basically lazy? and a sponger

He regularly has contacts asking him to work, enough to fill an entire working week. He is good at his job, fast and accurate, so he's often in demand. However, it is freelance, so can be unpredictable.

He hasn't come right out and said that he just can't be bothered to work, but he has said that it's nice to have my steady wage coming in every month, that it takes the pressure off.

RaisedByPangolins · 02/10/2021 08:44

I voted YABU because I would feel like crap if I was struggling to buy essentials like glasses while my DP was living his best life. However your update about 2 hours work a week puts a different spin on it! He needs to prioritise better and I wouldn’t be marrying him unless he showed a bit more ambition.

I work very hard - self employed - and earn a tiny fraction of what my DP earns. His job isn’t hugely taxing or responsible but he has certain skills & knowledge that mean he’s worked his way up and is now indispensable at his company, so gets paid very well for a comparatively low pressure job. Conversely I’m earning less than NMW and haven’t actually been to bed yet (9am!) as I worked all night as well as all day yesterday Grin

In some relationships the ebb and flow means that someone is always bringing in a bit more or less and for me a partnership means that you both do what you can to help each other out - even if not strictly 50/50 - not see each other struggle. However, if he can afford to vape and doss about all day rather than work and contribute then that’s on him.

EmoIsntDead · 02/10/2021 08:45

He hasn't come right out and said that he just can't be bothered to work, but he has said that it's nice to have my steady wage coming in every month, that it takes the pressure off

Cocklodger alert! Why are you kidding this lazy arsehoke take advantage of you? How on earth can you have any respect for him?

MadeOfStarStuff · 02/10/2021 08:46

Ok so he’s a cocklodger then. Do not combine your finances. Do not buy stuff for him that he could easily buy himself if he bothered to get off his arse and work more. Do not marry him unless he starts pulling his weight. He doesn’t need to be a high earner but just choosing not to work because he can sponge off you is unreasonable and not an attractive quality.

It’s a very different situation from someone refusing to support a partner who has had income reduced due to maternity/caring responsibilities, disability or losing their job through no fault of their own but trying to get a new job

PerseverancePays · 02/10/2021 08:47

I don’t think he’ll ever have your back. He’s there while the going is good. Is he vaping cannabis, gaming into the night? Not a keeper I’m afraid, he can’t even cover his own basic needs let alone work enough hours to meet you half way. He just has no commitment at all.

MatildaIThink · 02/10/2021 08:49

On Mumsnet, as a general rule, if the man is the high earner people will say he should share, if the woman is the high earner then then people will say she should not share. The biased audience skews the response.

MatildaIThink · 02/10/2021 08:51

You only have to read the comment with "cocklodger", where a man lives with a woman but does not contribute much, but there is no "pussylodger" alternative for the women who don't contribute much and live off a man.

user1471462115 · 02/10/2021 08:52

How the heck does he pay his half of the bills, the rent, the food, the costs of a trip out or a pint in the pub ???

Can I move in too, and you can pay everything for me.

You situation is so different to the other poster as it could possibly be. Wake up and get him paying his way.

Hugsgalore · 02/10/2021 08:53

He is definitely a piss taker OP. I personally couldn't marry someone who chooses not to work for selfish reasons. I think he would get worse if you do get married. I don't think telling him to work more will work either because he sounds like he is just bone lazy. I don't say this much on here but I would cut my losses on this relationship and dump him.

ScarlettSunset · 02/10/2021 08:53

@MatildaIThink

On Mumsnet, as a general rule, if the man is the high earner people will say he should share, if the woman is the high earner then then people will say she should not share. The biased audience skews the response.
I don't think that's true at all. If a woman could work and contribute but chooses not to, then she's a sponger too. And I've seen lots of posts on here where people point this out. I personally don't like the term cocklodger though, as I suspect financially abusive would be a more appropriate term in many cases
MaeD · 02/10/2021 08:56

How can you possibly feel guilty when he barely works, picks and chooses his hours, contributes far less than you because he’s chosen to barely work and piggybacks off your hard work to live, while spending his money on vaping and computer games like a teenager with a Saturday job.

Why aren’t you furious and ready to break up with. this cocklodger? What are his good points that are so incredible it makes up for this total lack of respect for you and drive to do anything with his life?

Does he do most of the housework? Cook you amazing dinners each night as you’ve been working while he plays video games? Is he constantly supportive, amazing in bed and lightens your emotional and practical load because he has the time and energy to do so since your doing most of the working hours while he gets loads of leisure time?

Sparklfairy · 02/10/2021 08:57

@MatildaIThink by default the housework and childcare tends to fall to the woman, so if she's the higher earner and the man is doing fuck all in the house, then yes, he's a cocklodger.

Its all about whether both partners are pulling their weight. This man is actively turning down work and admits he likes having her steady wage to fall back on!