Is this selfish?

[cantbuylilt]

Just reading on another thread about a couple where the man is a higher earner, and the woman is scraping by, with lots of people saying it's selfish of him to keep the money to himself.

I've been living with my partner for 6 years, together for a lot longer. We're not married yet, but are engaged. I am the higher earner. He used to earn more, but reduced hours gradually since we moved in together.

We each get paid into our own accounts and transfer money to the joint account. It works out at roughly 1/4 of outgoings is paid by him, and 3/4 by me. His wages vary month to month, depending on how much work he has picked up, or turned down.

Anything 'big', like kitchen appliances, holidays, new boiler etc is paid for by me. I also pay the water bill by myself, in one go for the year.

He recently cancelled an eye appointment, because he said he couldn't afford to buy new glasses. He lives in his overdraft most of the time and has no savings. For a while, about 3 years ago, he didn't work for a year and I paid for everything by myself during that time.

I know I do a lot, and pay my way. But just reading that other thread made me feel guilty, that I have plenty of money saved, but he is struggling to afford new glasses. Our old oven broke earlier this week, and I just bought a new one- he said he'd never be able to do that. However, he is capable of working more and could pick up more hours easily. He just doesn't want to.

AIBU to not pool our money?

Please, listen to your own concerns you have over marrying this man. Money and/or differences in approaches to spending are some of the top reasons for divorce. You are already in this situation and you aren't even married yet.

"Love" changes over time and you're in a partnership for the long haul. He will be like this forever. Is that what you want for your forever?

And if you have children, I suspect he will all of a sudden find work to do in just the times of day when it would be useful for him to be free.

The situations in other threads are often 1) working PT because they are limited because of the childcare duties they have or 2) someone working full time but just on a lower wage. Yes there are other reasons as well, but those are the more common ones, and he is neither. He has no reason to only work 10 hours a week other than he'd rather not. Well, wouldn't we all

His comment about how it's 'nice' that you've got a regular wage coming in is also a bit rage inducing. Just get rid.

(Sorry OP I've only just seen that you're unable to have children, I apologise I should have read all of the posts but I was just so irritated on your behalf! )

He sounds very lazy, he could work more but chooses not too whilst you work full time and pay for everything? He has no reason not to work more, you don’t have young children to care for (chances are if you did he wouldn’t be providing the child care anyway). I would be telling him he need to pay his way or move out.

@MrsKeats

I have no understanding of a relationship in which you would you would let a partner struggle to buy essentials. Just awful.

Have you read the rest of the thread? The glasses aren’t broken, he doesn’t actually need new ones. He chooses not to work. He spends what little money he has on snacks, gaming and vaping. He sleeps and games and pisses about with music all day. There are no kids, no disability.

Op - a lazy man is so unattractive... He sees you as his bank now and Pension later.

Is this really what you want from a relationship?

If he is choosing not to work and live off your earnings, then it’s not fair that you subsidise him. If he can’t work or is providing childcare and enabling you to earn more then it is fair that you subsidise him. If he were on a low wage and working full time but he just happens to be in a lower paid job, but because you are living together he can’t top up with benefits then you would chip in too.

I honestly can’t believe you need to ask the question.

In my experience it never works when the woman earns more, especially if his spending habits or lack of ambition translates into you not being able to enjoy the money you earn or save. A marriage imo should be an equal partnership. All the best op.

What exactly does he bring to this relationship, OP? It must be something pretty fantastic that you’re willing to overlook him working TWO hours a week whilst you fund this life style?

It works fine when the woman earns more (or my case all) as long as the man has an equally important contribution to make. DH can't earn the money I can. I can't do any of the millions of things he does. It works fine.

Wow do not marry this man!!! He’s a lazy freeloader, why on earth are you even tolerating this in a boyfriend never mind considering marrying him!! This is his behaviour before he has the legal security of half your assets-how on earth do you think he will behave AFTER marriage! Honestly this is one of those threads where I’m just astounded at what some people put up with…to coin a mumsnet favourite, he must have a solid good cock.

There’s being a lower earner and there’s just not working for no reason other than he can’t be arsed Honestly, raise your bar.

@Martinisarebetterdirty

Sorry but do not marry this man. He will be entitled to half of everything. He’s choosing to not work and you’re paying for so much.

I agree.

Don’t marry him.

If you're not married and in a casual relationship, YANBU. If you are married and committed to sharing a life together, YABU.

If you are married and committed to sharing a life together, YABU.

If a husband decides to stop working, just because he feels like it, a wife is being unreasonable if she chooses not to fund his lifestyle?

Ask him what will happen if you also want to go freelance and work 2 hours per week. If he says you can't, why does he think he should have that option and not you?

Wow!
I earn double what my DH does but that happened over time and he still works full time. And he still does 75% of house chores as I work longer hours.
He could retire in 5 yrs and we have discussed that if he does, I will, too, as I'm not working my ass off to pay for the nice holidays etc whilst he chills.
Thankfully, we are on the same page and have always been.

He would never drop hours to live off me!!

Get out now, OP, before your pension gets taken, too!!!! He's a freeloader.
Or, get a solicitor in to protect your financial position.

Is there a reason why he's reduced his hours since moving in? 2 to 10 hours per week, if it's by choice, is ridiculous.
Tell me he's not claiming benefits whilst choosing to reduce his hours to a potential two per week?!

The key is equality and fairness across household chores/parenting and work. You are doing more than him. If it weren't for you he wouldn't have a roof over his head working those hours. You are supplementing him. This would be ok if he pulled his weight elsewhere but he doesn't. If you divorced he would get half the house and your pension leaving you with a lot less than you do now. You need to make it 50 50. I suspect this has just happened gradually and neither of you have noticed and now it's the norm he is starting to feel entitled because it's always been like this. You deserve more and he doesn't deserve you. Cocklodger as they say

There is a big distinction for me between sharing finances when one partner “won’t” work, vs one partner “ can’t “ work (illness, mental health issues, unemployed but looking actively, ) vs partners deciding together that one of them will reduce hours/SAH for purposes of children or studying , Vs the scenario when both partners in full time but there is a big disparity in earnings

The first one (won’t work) is entirely a choice made by one partner without the others consent and agreement and therefore should have no entitlement to anything other than 50/50 split of bills etc . Any debt or hardship lies at their feet and not the other partners.
In the second case, (can’t work) that’s what you have to absorb in a true partnership and discuss openly how to get through those periods and agree how to manage their reduced financial circumstances - hopefully both aligned as to how to resolve longer term.
The third case (mutual decision) is obviously a planned agreed decision but does not mean that the earning partner pays the non earner a meagre allowance- they have to work on a what is mine is yours, pool their money and bills , operate shared accounts etc and ensure things like pensions for non earner are still paid. Certainly all the threads on MN about lower paid women or SAHM getting into debt due to child care burdens is a disgrace - it is not mothers only who should pick up this financial burden
The final case of big disparities in full time working earnings is in practice what can happen a lot- and proportional splits work best to make it “fair”.
In practice most of us go through multiple scenarios during our working lives of disproportionate earning, can’t work, mutually decided to reduce working hours. It’s just normal life path stuff. I say this as someone who took maternity leave, worked part time for 5 years then was sole breadwinner for 16 years due to my ExH illness.
But imho the “won’t “ work scenario is never, ever acceptable. He is responsible for his glasses, his lack of disposable income and a lot more beside. The OP is currently supporting him when he is perfectly capable of supporting himself and that’s just bonkers for her to continue like this for her own security.

What is the point of him? He sounds very selfish.

please look into the sunken costs fallacy. Where you won’t write off the time already spent in the situation so end up suffering more in the long run.

If you end up splitting you may end up splitting the house 50/50 so it’s only going to benefit him more if you are the one paying 75% of the bills and mortgage.

Plus if this isn’t working out, the sooner you end it, the sooner you will be in a better place.

Have you ever tried to talk to him about it being unfair that he doesn’t pull his weight?

DH was on furlough and he spent long days doing DIY and chores, he didn’t sit around sleeping and playing games.

He chooses not to work ? Do not marry this man, he sounds a lazyarse.

He has come out and said he can't be bothered to work. Pretty much.

Who works 2-10 hours a week with nothing else to do. Someone who knows he doesn't have to.

He doesn't have to because he knows you'll pick up the pieces. You're not a team. He is reliant on you to be the parent in this relationship.

The eye Opener is that even when you were seriously ill in intensive care he still didn't step up to the plate. He let you continue to stress about money even when ill. What a fucker.

Whatever you do don't marry him.

Absolutely he was angling for you to buy him new glasses. He sees you as a walking purse.

Omg. A real cocklodger.

You ask if you're selfish.
Selfish is allowing your 'partner' to support you indefinitely and increasingly. Working 2 hours a week. Turning down work you're good at. Being professionally lazy. 'Sleeping a lot' when you're a young man who could be progressing through life and planning for your shared future together.

Does this man cherish, support and respect you? Are you a team?

But in the other thread the woman is pregnant!!

YANBU

@lockdownalli

Are you sure you've posted on the right thread?