Is this selfish?

[cantbuylilt]

Just reading on another thread about a couple where the man is a higher earner, and the woman is scraping by, with lots of people saying it's selfish of him to keep the money to himself.

I've been living with my partner for 6 years, together for a lot longer. We're not married yet, but are engaged. I am the higher earner. He used to earn more, but reduced hours gradually since we moved in together.

We each get paid into our own accounts and transfer money to the joint account. It works out at roughly 1/4 of outgoings is paid by him, and 3/4 by me. His wages vary month to month, depending on how much work he has picked up, or turned down.

Anything 'big', like kitchen appliances, holidays, new boiler etc is paid for by me. I also pay the water bill by myself, in one go for the year.

He recently cancelled an eye appointment, because he said he couldn't afford to buy new glasses. He lives in his overdraft most of the time and has no savings. For a while, about 3 years ago, he didn't work for a year and I paid for everything by myself during that time.

I know I do a lot, and pay my way. But just reading that other thread made me feel guilty, that I have plenty of money saved, but he is struggling to afford new glasses. Our old oven broke earlier this week, and I just bought a new one- he said he'd never be able to do that. However, he is capable of working more and could pick up more hours easily. He just doesn't want to.

AIBU to not pool our money?

I'd only pool if he was working at least 30 hours per week. He's a cock lodger!

@MatildaIThink have you seen the bit about how the OP pays the far more than her share of the bills and her DP works between 2-10 hours a week by choice and has no other caring responsibilities? I agree there's no exact female equivalent to cocklodger, but if someone started this same thread with the sexes reversed, posters would definitely be calling the woman lazy and sponging.

He's taking the piss and you know that.

@MatildaIThink

You only have to read the comment with "cocklodger", where a man lives with a woman but does not contribute much, but there is no "pussylodger" alternative for the women who don't contribute much and live off a man.

no, it goes both ways - i dont care what sex you are, if you dont pull your weight, with either housework, finances etc then you are a cocklodger, or a fannylodger

Most of the posts here on Mumsnet are from the view of a woman who is asking for advice

I think this situation is very different than Froggys. Have you had any discussion about him dropping or not picking up hours? So sounds like he doesn’t feel he has to work as you’ll cover everything. He has literally handed over all financial responsibility to you but without any agreement. What happens if you want to reduce your hours? I’m guessing that would be a no as not only are you supporting yourself , you’re supporting him. Is there any reason he does not want to work - depression etc? Seems odd that in his 40s he has just given up on his working life. I think you need a frank discussion with him and agree your expectations about what he contributes to the household. I’d be well pissed off if my husband just decided to reduce his hours so drastically and without agreement. Good Luck OP x

we're not young. I'm late 30s, he's late 40s

What are his plans for pension? If you two separated how would he cope financially.

Are you completely happy with this arrangement as you'll be working to support an adult who chooses not to financially look after himself.

Big difference if he was taking care of children or the house so that you both worked similar hours. If he has way more leisure time than you then it's a choice or lifestyle on his behalf.

I would love to work less, but I can't afford to so I don't.

Personally what's mine is my husbands and vice versa, I couldn't imagine not helping my husband out just as he's about to help me out with a big purchase next week.

@Orla1970, the reduction in hours happened because the office started hot-desking and it became easier to just work from home instead, but that meant he became more picky about jobs accepted, rather than filling the three days in-office he used to work.

There's some mental health issues- he had a breakdown caused by work stress before we met, so work has always been a contentious issue for him.

The split of our financial contributions just evolved. He pays 'as much as he can afford', and I cover the rest. With me getting ill, and then Covid happening, I was just grateful that he was paying something rather than nothing.

@cantbuylilt

He's not disabled, and we don't have children, so he's not caring for anyone but himself.

He regularly has contacts asking him to work, enough to fill an entire working week. He is good at his job, fast and accurate, so he's often in demand. However, it is freelance, so can be unpredictable.

He hasn't come right out and said that he just can't be bothered to work, but he has said that it's nice to have my steady wage coming in every month, that it takes the pressure off.

An able bodied man in good health only working 2-10 hours per week and expecting another adult to sub him?

No, thankyou. I could not respect/have sex with/marry a man like that.

And strongly advise against marriage to protect yourself if you want to continue the relationship

Him choosing to work less for personal reasons and the other OP taking care of a baby are two very different scenarios, it's not comparable.

But I have to say I wouldn't be marrying your man, my mum was in a very similar dynamic and it didn't end well, lots of built up resentment.

@cantbuylilt

He's not disabled, and we don't have children, so he's not caring for anyone but himself.

He regularly has contacts asking him to work, enough to fill an entire working week. He is good at his job, fast and accurate, so he's often in demand. However, it is freelance, so can be unpredictable.

He hasn't come right out and said that he just can't be bothered to work, but he has said that it's nice to have my steady wage coming in every month, that it takes the pressure off.

Wow!!

This would not work for me at all. How entitled.

What does he do for you?

I've been there myself, almost word for word. Married him. Divorced him (no children). He knew his rights - entitled for 50% of everything.

DON'T MARRY HIM.

If he is struggling he needs to stop turning down work or find another jobs that gives both the hours and money

I wouldn't feel guilty for someone turning down jobs

That wouldn’t be for me personally, there’s no way id live with someone who only did a token few hours and didn’t pay their half of costs let alone marry them.
Salary for me is irrelevant, it’s about a work ethic and not expecting another adult to pick up the costs of another.

This is a completely different scenario. This has gone too far the other way and he is taking advantage of you. It takes the pressure off him knowing you have a steady wage coming in - yea because it's all on you.
Most people that worked 2-10 hours a week and couldn't afford new basics like glasses would just increase their hours until they could afford glasses. He pays what he can afford- I'd agree with that if he worked minimum wage full time and was trying his best. No, he actually pays what he can be arsed to earn.
He must be a perfect house husband and amazing in bed for you to put up with subsidising his whole life. I really hope if you share ownership of a house that you've protected you're share of what you've put in.

So there are health issues you didn't mention before. As a poster has said, situations are rarely black or white.

Whoever is the higher earner is irrelevant. What is is whether they are happy to be the main or sole provider.

When female posters moan here that their OH question their spend etc... they always claim that their OH are happy they are not working or working few hours/PT.

It makes me wonder because I've worked in many different offices, mainly men and it was a common moan if theirs that their wives didn't want to work/work more hours. That they had an agreement about them going back to work when the youngest started school but then changing their mind and their way is the way.

Ultimately, if couples dont agree on hours being worked, it is highly likely to lead to disagreement on finances.

Why are you with this man?

I am stunned he is only working 2-10 hours. Tell him he needs to start working full time and putting his fair share into the house. He is being lazy doing so few hours then moaning about being in overdraft.

If he doesn't up his hours then I would be saying sorry, this doesn't work, I'm not prepared to work so you can contribute barely nothing. Please move out as you clearly don't want to want to pay your way fairly

@MatildaIThink

You only have to read the comment with "cocklodger", where a man lives with a woman but does not contribute much, but there is no "pussylodger" alternative for the women who don't contribute much and live off a man.

Gold-digger?

ahhh the great double standards of mumsnet lol

2-10 hours a week?? Ha ha, he's taking you for a ride. Cocklodger. I'd end the relationship.

At the very least there should be an agreed minimum contribution he has to make to running your home. He should be flaking out and suiting himself with his hours leaving you to pick up the difference.
He's the equivalent of those NRPs who quit their jobs so that they can dodge paying child maintenance. If they earn £0 then their ex gets their fair proportion of £0, which is of course £0.

Different player, same game. What a prince among men

It's not a double standard. The threads where a woman is much the lower earner is usually because they are on mat leave, part time or SAHM to children. Their contribution is in providing childcare so the man can go do his big important job unimpeded by pick ups, sick days, school holidays etc. Given that childcare can easily cost 1k a month, if you factor that in, the input is often closer to equal, but the woman still has no access to actual cash. Totally different to a childless couple with one actively choosing to do fuck all.

Hmm I think it sounds fair in your house op. He can work more hours but chooses not to. So if he wants new glasses he can work for them, like most people. He decided to only work 2-10 hours a week, this is the problem. Perhaps encourage him to work more hours to buy his glasses? He is not disabled, nor a child so he is perfect capable.

If a couple are committed and love each other, they should get married and pool their resources entirely. If they’re not quite there yet, they should pay their own way and keep finances separate. It all depends on how much you love him, TBH.