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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this selfish?

215 replies

cantbuylilt · 02/10/2021 08:00

Just reading on another thread about a couple where the man is a higher earner, and the woman is scraping by, with lots of people saying it's selfish of him to keep the money to himself.

I've been living with my partner for 6 years, together for a lot longer. We're not married yet, but are engaged. I am the higher earner. He used to earn more, but reduced hours gradually since we moved in together.

We each get paid into our own accounts and transfer money to the joint account. It works out at roughly 1/4 of outgoings is paid by him, and 3/4 by me. His wages vary month to month, depending on how much work he has picked up, or turned down.

Anything 'big', like kitchen appliances, holidays, new boiler etc is paid for by me. I also pay the water bill by myself, in one go for the year.

He recently cancelled an eye appointment, because he said he couldn't afford to buy new glasses. He lives in his overdraft most of the time and has no savings. For a while, about 3 years ago, he didn't work for a year and I paid for everything by myself during that time.

I know I do a lot, and pay my way. But just reading that other thread made me feel guilty, that I have plenty of money saved, but he is struggling to afford new glasses. Our old oven broke earlier this week, and I just bought a new one- he said he'd never be able to do that. However, he is capable of working more and could pick up more hours easily. He just doesn't want to.

AIBU to not pool our money?

OP posts:
mydogisthebest · 02/10/2021 11:22

Well Me and DH believe that all money (apart from things like money for birthdays or Christmas) is our money.

At various times we have each been the higher earner. DH has always worked full time but I went part time about 15 years ago then had a couple of years not working at all due to health problems. I am now retired.

It's difficult because your partner could work more hours so if he wants or needs something should really do that.

Standrewsschool · 02/10/2021 11:24

At the beginning, I was thinking you were being unreasonable. Ie not supporting him in buying necessities such as glasses.

However, then I read that he only works 2-10 hours per week, (I spend more time on mumsnet!)but you still pick up the lions share of cooking, cleaning etc, and he doesn’t even want to work anymore, because with you working, he doesn’t have too.

It’s fair enough to be a stay-at-home partner if you have childcare responsibilities, ill health, do all the housework etc to supports partners career etc, but your dp seems to be lazy, and as others have said, acts like a teenager.

pelosi · 02/10/2021 11:25

[quote cantbuylilt]@TimeForTeaAndG, if we were to split, we'd probably have to sell the house.

He wouldn't be able to buy me out, and I doubt he'll get a mortgage unless he gets proper contracted full-time hours.

I could probably remortgage to buy him out, but would prefer to sell and buy somewhere less expensive where I can have a driveway! Houseprices and parking are at a premium in my city.[/quote]
It’s really not fair that he will get half the house even though you pay the bulk of the mortgage because he likes not working.

I wouldn’t want to bankroll him.

billy1966 · 02/10/2021 11:28

Sell the house.
Each should be repaid how much they spent on the house and split the profit based on contribution.

Get him out.

MitheringMytryl · 02/10/2021 11:30

You are uncomfortable about the finances. I think if you're marrying someone you should share money freely, and without any feeling of "mine" and "yours". I know others feel differently, but this is my own take on marriage and works well for my DH and I. We have both had periods of time where one has not worked, or has worked very reduced hours, and the other has covered all costs. We like how our house runs when only one of us works full time.

If you aren't putting your hand in your pocket and insisting he goes to buy some new glasses, without a second thought, then it's probably not right. I'm certainly not criticising you here, btw - I think you aren't sharing your money with him so freely because you think he's being lazy and taking advantage of you, and I think you're probably right. But the point I'm making is that if you feel this way now, whether rightly or wrongly, then it probably isn't going to get any better. Are you sure you want to marry him? I wouldn't, if I were in your situation.

Eddielzzard · 02/10/2021 11:36

He's an adult and you have no dependants so there's no reason he shouldn't be working full time, or at least 3 or 4 days a week. It seems he's barely working 1 and seems to be angling to stop altogether.

I would be having a talk and saying it's not on. You've got this resentment that he's not pulling his weight when he so easily could. He can fix this. You need to tell him it's not working for you.

GingerFigs · 02/10/2021 11:37

Don't marry this man. He is choosing to work hardly any hours and expecting you to pay for pretty much everything. I understand he has had MH issues in the past but he is taking the piss working 2 hours a week. Or maybe he's not and that's all he can cope with but from your posts it sounds like he's taking the piss.

I think the less you do, the less you want to do. You become less motivated and it's a spiral. As the saying goes "if you want something done then ask a busy person person". It sounds like he's doing less and less and filling his time with ...not much really. And that's fine if you're ok with it. I wouldn't be and it sounds like you're not either. In fact your follow up posts make it sound like you're not sure about the relationship. Think long and hard. Maybe have a serious chat with him about it, explain how you feel, ask how he feels and the real reason he works so little. If you want it, ask for change. If you don't get it, then move on.

SunshineCake1 · 02/10/2021 11:39

Seems funny he dropped his hours once he saw how well off you are. I haven't worked since I was expecting our eldest child and so of course dh pays for everything while I support him in obvious other ways. I need new glasses. He is cross I haven't been for them and then when I said I would go once I'm better he told me a cheaper place to go. I will do this but if I wanted to stick to the usual place he wouldn't mind. The difference is, your boyfriend is choosing not to earn more money.

pinkyredrose · 02/10/2021 11:39

He's coming across as a selfish freeloader. He does barely any work and hardly anything around the house. How can you find him attractive when he's treating you like his mother?

I'd certainly not marry him when he's clearly demonstrated that he likes an easy life piggy backing off you.

LowlandLucky · 02/10/2021 11:41

OP your partner doesn't work, he does the odd job here and there. He can't afford glasses because he is idle. He is sitting on his arse whilst you fund the roof over his head and the food in his belly. He is making a fool out of you.

theDudesmummy · 02/10/2021 11:41

I would have a big problem with this too. I am the only breadwinner in our family and have been for many years, but DH practically never takes a day off "work", whether it is childcare, doing my accounts, building or fixing things, or, as is now the case, restoring a house. I'm all for people having a bit of me time but there cannot be a huge dicrepancy within a couple without resentment.

Watchingyou2sleezes · 02/10/2021 11:42

He needs to do more work and less loafing. Overdrafts have massive rates these days so he needs to get that paid off sharpish. You need to give him a rocket up the arse.

Ellie56 · 02/10/2021 11:42

He hasn't come right out and said that he just can't be bothered to work, but he has said that it's nice to have my steady wage coming in every month, that it takes the pressure off.

I bet it is. Why are you allowing him to sponge off you? Why are you putting up with him doing so little to contribute to the household income?

And no I wouldn't be buying new glasses. Let him get his lazy arse into gear and work for them. And I definitely wouldn't be marrying him either.

MrsKeats · 02/10/2021 11:43

I have no understanding of a relationship in which you would you would let a partner struggle to buy essentials. Just awful.

rainbowmash · 02/10/2021 11:45

"He buys music and hardware for his computer, vapes and he buys his own lunch from the corner shop, although we always have food in the house he could have instead."

I'm sorry to be harsh, OP, but he sounds like a child. This was me at 18, just oblivious. I couldn't respect a grown man making these kinds of day to day choices while I bankrolled our lives.

You said he's mentioned that your income "takes the pressure off". This will be your lives forever if you let it continue.

I know this is my own vanity talking, but I wouldn't want my social circle seeing me cart around someone like this.

sst1234 · 02/10/2021 11:46

@MrsKeats

I have no understanding of a relationship in which you would you would let a partner struggle to buy essentials. Just awful.
Of course you don’t. Because you spectacularly missed the point of this thread. Did you even read it?
3luckystars · 02/10/2021 11:50

I know it was unusual years ago for people to talk about mental health issues, and having time off work because of it, but it is far more common now. In most cases, with help, people can return to work. It is common enough in the emergency services to have a break, but then go back to work. There is a lot more support now. I’m probably not wording this very well but what I’m trying to say is that, what he went through with work is not that unusual anymore and it might be possible for him to return to work again. A lot of people do. It’s not the end of persons career if they go through a crisis.

What is he doing with the rest of his time?
I just wanted to wish you all the best.

RiverSkater · 02/10/2021 11:50

@cantbuylilt

He's not disabled, and we don't have children, so he's not caring for anyone but himself.

He regularly has contacts asking him to work, enough to fill an entire working week. He is good at his job, fast and accurate, so he's often in demand. However, it is freelance, so can be unpredictable.

He hasn't come right out and said that he just can't be bothered to work, but he has said that it's nice to have my steady wage coming in every month, that it takes the pressure off.

He is just lazy and plans on living off you.

I was in a similar position. My DP was freelance and if work didn't appear, he just didn't work. He never tried to get work and in quiet times had no work. He loved that I hadn't very good job and paid for everything, deposit for house, everything for the baby. Then I was made redundant. Then one of his freelancing jobs came to an end. He kept saying you can walk into a 50k job anytime can't you and I said errr no, I've just had a baby.
He could not step up to be the responsible one. He would not get a full time job. We'd scrape by every month and I was petrified we'd lose the house, I lost all respect for him. He didn't want a partner or girlfriend, he wanted a mother to look after him.

Don't be me. Don't marry him.

KaycePollard · 02/10/2021 11:50

He hasn't come right out and said that he just can't be bothered to work, but he has said that it's nice to have my steady wage coming in every month, that it takes the pressure off.

So he’s a lazy cocklodger. Don’t marry him.

If there are no children, does he at least do almost all the housework and domestic admin? What does he bring to the partnership?

Does not sound like a good marriage prospect to me. He seems to assume that you will pretty much pay just for the pleasure of his company.

Neveranynamesleft · 02/10/2021 11:51

OP after all the posts I seriously hope that you have grasped the general consensus of opinion. He either steps up or steps out. You deserve better, someone who is willing to put more effort into your relationship and not see you as a blank cheque. What exactly do you get out of this set up ???

CaptSkippy · 02/10/2021 11:53

I know I will get a flak for this, but I wonder at some of the posters defending this man. Do they perhaps recognize parts of themselves in his behavior? Because I seriously doubt any of them would want to be mooched off in this way.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 02/10/2021 11:55

He's a freeloader, sorry. He really is taking you for a mug here. If he's healthy and has no other responsibility then why shouldn't he be earning more and paying half?

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 02/10/2021 11:56

@RiverSkater what happened, did you get out?

Ugzbugz · 02/10/2021 11:57

What would happen if you wanted to work 2 hours a week?

Rub for the hills and never marry him.

optingout · 02/10/2021 12:01

Why are you with this lazy, selfish man @cantbuylilt? It's no coincidence that he dropped his house after moving in with you. I couldn't respect a healthy man with no caring responsibilities who chose to sponge off me. Don't you think you deserve an equal partner who takes equal responsibility for paying the bills?