Is this selfish?

[cantbuylilt]

Just reading on another thread about a couple where the man is a higher earner, and the woman is scraping by, with lots of people saying it's selfish of him to keep the money to himself.

I've been living with my partner for 6 years, together for a lot longer. We're not married yet, but are engaged. I am the higher earner. He used to earn more, but reduced hours gradually since we moved in together.

We each get paid into our own accounts and transfer money to the joint account. It works out at roughly 1/4 of outgoings is paid by him, and 3/4 by me. His wages vary month to month, depending on how much work he has picked up, or turned down.

Anything 'big', like kitchen appliances, holidays, new boiler etc is paid for by me. I also pay the water bill by myself, in one go for the year.

He recently cancelled an eye appointment, because he said he couldn't afford to buy new glasses. He lives in his overdraft most of the time and has no savings. For a while, about 3 years ago, he didn't work for a year and I paid for everything by myself during that time.

I know I do a lot, and pay my way. But just reading that other thread made me feel guilty, that I have plenty of money saved, but he is struggling to afford new glasses. Our old oven broke earlier this week, and I just bought a new one- he said he'd never be able to do that. However, he is capable of working more and could pick up more hours easily. He just doesn't want to.

AIBU to not pool our money?

I'd have difficulty with the 2-10 hours a week, he can easily rectify him not having the money fir the glasses by working a bit more. Does he do the majority of the housework ?

I think he is being unreasonable! What would happen if you decided to only work 2 to 10 hours pw I wonder? Of course hes as happy as a sandboy with you picking up the slack! I would not marry this man .If you have DC you will be paying for all sorts from Nappies to Pushchairs.No way .He cant afford bloody glasses yet treats himself for lunch from the local shop.Bloody hell .I would re think my future urgently!

He does do some of the household jobs, but I meal plan, order shopping, cook 4-5 times out of 7, sweep, hoover and mop and clean the bathroom. He does the dishes and cleans the kitchen, does the garden and bins. We both do laundry and general clear-outs.

He's a freeloader, ditch him.

Does he do anything around the house - cleaning, laundry, gardening, odd jobs etc. - or does he just laze around?

If he does nothing, refuses to work more than 10h a week, has no other responsibilities then I'd sack him off.

I'm a SAHM but I do everything for the kids, work when work comes my way (not often, sadly, especially at the moment!) and I do the majority of the housework and all the laundry. I get DH to share in cooking and washing up, because I think it's important for our DSs to see that house jobs are not all vagina-oriented, and because I get really fucking bored with cooking too - DSs have their own chores to do as well.

I also do a fair bit of voluntary stuff, which includes admin and meetings, so I'm not doing nothing even if I'm not being paid for it (much to DH's chagrin, he'd rather I was being paid for it! But accepts that it's important stuff to do).

Because we are married, we do have a joint account, but I don't take the piss - I also have savings from my inheritance from my Mum and if I want to buy something just for me, that's a bit more expensive, I'll use that money instead of the joint account.

When it comes to your DP and his money management skills (or lack thereof) I don't believe you are being selfish. BUT having said that, he does need glasses - so it might be a nice thing to at least lend him the money to get them. The difficulty comes in whether he'd be willing to pay you back, which might involve working a few more hours (which, if he'd done that already, he wouldn't need to borrow the money), or whether he'd expect it to be a gift.
And then whether you'd be resentful if he failed to pay back.

I can entirely see why you are hesitant to marry him, and I don't think I would under the circs. DH and I have very similar attitudes to money spending/saving (although he has somewhat different attitudes in terms of taxes and "building wealth" etc!) which really helps - money is such a divisive aspect of relationships!

I wouldn’t put up with DH only working one day or less a week unless they was a very good reason, which you don’t really seem to have.

Is he looking for another job with more hours? What is he doing all day whilst you are working? It sounds very much like he is having a very lazy life at your expense.

What does he contribute to your home and life? I would seriously be considering whether in 10 years time I still wanted to be supporting his lifestyle as it doesn’t sound like anything is about to change.

Sorry, took so long to type that, that I crossposted with you!

Wow kick him out and I will move in. 😇
What a free loader!!
No wonder he can’t buy anything.

I think you should be wary about marrying. I don't think unequal arrangements can work if there is resentment.

I feel sorry for the main earner who has to carry a partner who chooses to work less. It's a lot of worry and pressure for you. This is exacerbated when there are no children. Choosing to work and one partner work more is lazy.

On mumsnet you see high earning women who go from carrying the load financially to doing all the domestic and childcare work. Worst of both worlds. Whereas the SAHP on here largely do all the child and house work in return for one partner bring in a big salary.

Is your relationship equal in other ways?

Dsis earns a huge salary as a doctor and her dh has never worked. They don't have dc. Her dh looks after her. They are happy as a couple but She still has an an awful lot of stress about being the only earner and she copes badly with work stress due to the extra pressure.

If I were you I'd think seriously about whether you're happy to go on like this.

I did however tick yabu because I think you should pay for his glasses wholeheartedly. Your reticence speaks volumes. I don't think you're really a partnership at heart.

I think you should find someone else who is more willing to work as equals.

He hasn't come right out and said that he just can't be bothered to work, but he has said that it's nice to have my steady wage coming in every month, that it takes the pressure off.

I'm sure it is! What would happen if you chose to have children and wanted to take time off from paid work? You had a hint of what might happen when you were ill and worried your sick pay would run out. It would be much harder for him to increase his freelance work if you were on maternity leave when he has only been working up to 10 hours a week.

I don't think that there are differences in the way men and women are treated in posts about sharing money on unequal incomes because the women are almost always doing the overwhelming majority of childcare and housework.

@cantbuylilt

He does do some of the household jobs, but I meal plan, order shopping, cook 4-5 times out of 7, sweep, hoover and mop and clean the bathroom. He does the dishes and cleans the kitchen, does the garden and bins. We both do laundry and general clear-outs.

I agree that your financial split is fair, but since you're financially supporting him working so little, he needs to do the bulk of the household chores.

He’s Lazy. Anyone who can work more, should. What are his redeeming features, by the way?

Also how will you feel about saving for retirement for both of you? You work longer and harder, he gets an easy life then when you're still working in your 60s you might wonder why.

@user1493494961

He's a freeloader, ditch him.

This tbh.

Generally I'm bemused/baffled by separate finances in committed relationships (incl one or more of marriage, children, house together with both names on the mortgage/tenancy - esp the former two). But that does assume and require that neither partner is taking financial advantage of or financially abusing the other. In a scenario like yours, OP, he's clearly having a nice life at your expense. The lack of care for you, and the lack of ambition/pride for himself, alone would have me ending this, I'm sorry to say.

So he's in effect living off you and using you.

Your relationship bar must be on the ground to accept this.

Get rid of him.
Do NOT marry a lazy freeloader.

Where is your self respect that you would accept being used like this?

He's a lazy waster and you are wasting your time with him.

Come on OP! This is so blatantly unacceptable I can’t believe you’re asking us whether you should pay for his glasses!

You deserve better. You deserve someone who wants to work to contribute to your partnership.

He should be absolutely ashamed and the fact he’s not should make alarm bells ring loud and clear.

Isn't the female sponger perjorative term, a gold digger?

He’s using you OP. If you’re happy subsidising him fine but. Marriage is your goal get rid or ask him to shape up. Keep more of your money for yourself and stop subsidising him.

He isn’t ‘unable’ to afford glasses is he? He just CBA. In fact he might even be doing it on purpose so you step up and fund him.

OMG! It is actually quite worrying that you think you may be being selfish .

Your partner sounds lazy and selfish. He works between 2 and 10 hours a week??? Because you pay for everything!!

If he looked after kids or did almost everything in the house then maybe but this sounds just terrible.

100:1 if you had kids it would be you doing everything for them too whilst he vapes and listens to music .

Please don't marry him.

@cantbuylilt

Thanks, everyone. I'm a bit of a worrier and can be prone to overthinking!! Reading froggy's thread made me wonder if I was being unfair to him.

Someone asked our ages.. we're not young. I'm late 30s, he's late 40s.

I thought he was in his 20s starting out…

He hasn't come right out and said that he just can't be bothered to work, but he has said that it's nice to have my steady wage coming in every month, that it takes the pressure off

Blimey! I think you need a serious conversation about him increasing his hours. You’re paying for most stuff and he’s cocklodging. Why do you let him get away with this? If this were me and my dh, I’d be horrified at his attitude.

Agree with PPs.
Very different to Froggy's thread as marriage and children are involved.
Do not marry this guy.
Tell him to contribute more or leave--you've made his life easy, OP.

@TractorAndHeadphones, I do feel bad for thinking this, but I had wondered why he told me he'd cancelled the opticians 'because he couldn't afford new glasses', like it was maybe to prompt me saying 'Don't be silly, I'll get them for you.' If his glasses were broken, or he needed a new prescription, I would pay for them, but his current pairs of glasses are absolutely fine.

I think I'm more resentful than I've been admitting to myself.

Yeah @cantbuylilt I would be getting rid of him ASAP! He is just using you as a way to do Sweet Fuck all...but you already know that!!

Why are your expectations of a partner so low?

He sounds like he has semi retired and you are his pension.

Unbelievable that you are only in your 30's and accepting him living off you.

Are you so desperate for a man that you would accept this?

Dump him.