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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this selfish?

215 replies

cantbuylilt · 02/10/2021 08:00

Just reading on another thread about a couple where the man is a higher earner, and the woman is scraping by, with lots of people saying it's selfish of him to keep the money to himself.

I've been living with my partner for 6 years, together for a lot longer. We're not married yet, but are engaged. I am the higher earner. He used to earn more, but reduced hours gradually since we moved in together.

We each get paid into our own accounts and transfer money to the joint account. It works out at roughly 1/4 of outgoings is paid by him, and 3/4 by me. His wages vary month to month, depending on how much work he has picked up, or turned down.

Anything 'big', like kitchen appliances, holidays, new boiler etc is paid for by me. I also pay the water bill by myself, in one go for the year.

He recently cancelled an eye appointment, because he said he couldn't afford to buy new glasses. He lives in his overdraft most of the time and has no savings. For a while, about 3 years ago, he didn't work for a year and I paid for everything by myself during that time.

I know I do a lot, and pay my way. But just reading that other thread made me feel guilty, that I have plenty of money saved, but he is struggling to afford new glasses. Our old oven broke earlier this week, and I just bought a new one- he said he'd never be able to do that. However, he is capable of working more and could pick up more hours easily. He just doesn't want to.

AIBU to not pool our money?

OP posts:
godmum56 · 02/10/2021 10:49

@cantbuylilt

He's not disabled, and we don't have children, so he's not caring for anyone but himself.

He regularly has contacts asking him to work, enough to fill an entire working week. He is good at his job, fast and accurate, so he's often in demand. However, it is freelance, so can be unpredictable.

He hasn't come right out and said that he just can't be bothered to work, but he has said that it's nice to have my steady wage coming in every month, that it takes the pressure off.

red flag...he sees you as a cash cow
Bagamoyo1 · 02/10/2021 10:50

OP I think you could register yourself as a charity! This isn’t a relationship. You’re basically a carer for someone who is fully functioning. And I don’t think you need to worry about him having another breakdown due to work stress. At 10 hours maximum per week he’s pretty safe from that.

I couldn’t live like this, the resentment would get too much, and I’d lose what little respect I may have for him.
He really is the definition of a cocklodger.

DrSbaitso · 02/10/2021 10:53

Don't you just hate it when people only quote half a sentence?

I wasn't disagreeing with you. I was just carrying on from your point.

Original poster
cantbuylilt · 02/10/2021 10:54

He sleeps a lot, fiddles around with music stuff online and plays games. There are good points, of course, and we're very well-matched in so many other areas like humour, temperament, interests and the way we spend our time together.

The house is in both names, joint owned. He did pay £5k more deposit than me, but didn't want to protect that, as I paid the moving costs and bought furniture etc at the start for both of us.

I can't have children, so that's one less thing to worry about, I suppose.

OP posts:
CyclingIsNotOuting · 02/10/2021 10:58

The imbalance would irritate me.
I’m not sure I could do it long term.

FinallyHere · 02/10/2021 10:58

he has said that it's nice to have my steady wage coming in every month, that it takes the pressure off.

Some people may be ok with a partner who can work, expressing this point of view.

It wouldn't work for me.

Child responsibilities, caring for aged parents, illness I'd have no problem pooling resources. Sheer laziness, on the other hand ...

It's absolutely not a double standard, MN encourages male higher earners to pool money with women who are looking after their joint children, not when they just don't work very much outside the home.

pelosi · 02/10/2021 10:59

the reduction in hours happened because the office started hot-desking and it became easier to just work from home instead, but that meant he became more picky about jobs accepted, rather than filling the three days in-office he used to work.

He’s a cocklodger.

Do not marry him.

Tell him he needs to get a full time job and contribute based on his full time wage.

The glasses thing is a red flag that if you marry and divorce, he will take you to the cleaners.

You will have to give him HALF your savings and pension.

pelosi · 02/10/2021 11:00

He hasn't come right out and said that he just can't be bothered to work, but he has said that it's nice to have my steady wage coming in every month, that it takes the pressure off.

How did not make your blood boil?

Triffid1 · 02/10/2021 11:01

I think that there's a huge difference when you have children. Also, the vast bulk of women on here complaining are usually doing the bulk of childcare and household tasks, but if they're working they're earning less and they are being told they don't contribute enough.

Your set up is completely different. He is making personal choices for himself and his finances re how much to work, what to spend his money on etc and that is negatively impacting him while you continue to ensure the bills are paid etc. If the relationship is otherwise happy and you don't mind how things are working, that is fine. But I would hope that he IS contributing to your life in a meaningful way that justifies this lack of financial contribution.

I would be slightly concerned that the mortgage is in joint names and yet you've paid the vast bulk of it were you to split but I guess that might just be one of those things. But it is why I refused to buy a house with DH until we were married and we had agreed that if we did I'd have been the owner, not him.

Morgoth · 02/10/2021 11:01

It’s absolutely outrageous that a grown man with no disability, no childcare responsibility and who doesn’t do the bulk of the housework is perfectly content to work 2 hours a week whilst you work your fingers to the bone to bring in the household money. He’s even openly admitted that he is able to have this Life O’Reilly because he is able to sponge off you. No man with an ounce of shame, integrity or work ethic would do this.

What the hell does he do for the other 35 hours a week?! Sit at home and vape and play computer games, perfectly content that you’re out their working to feed him and put a roof over his head?!!

The other thread is a completely different situation to yours. The poster and her husband had an equitable input into their future, the household and their life but the higher-earner husband resented distributing money a bit more fairly and was happy to watch her struggle despite her working just as much as he did and bring up their child at the same time.

What we have in your situation is a man who has no children to look after, no disability, no shame, no honour, no respect for you and is taking you for a complete mug. I hope you find someone who treats you much better OP. This idiot would do my head in. I wouldn’t even put up with it if he was the world’s best lover. And he’s making YOU feel guilty?!! What an absolute CLOWN he is.

fishonabicycle · 02/10/2021 11:02

You have got a cock lodger! He doesn't even do all the housework - works a handful of hours a week and barely contributes to your household expenses. What the fuck does he bring to the relationship?

MaeD · 02/10/2021 11:04

@cantbuylilt

He does do some of the household jobs, but I meal plan, order shopping, cook 4-5 times out of 7, sweep, hoover and mop and clean the bathroom. He does the dishes and cleans the kitchen, does the garden and bins. We both do laundry and general clear-outs.
Dishes (after you’ve cooked), bins (what, a five minute job at best), garden (Like running the lawnmower over the grass or planting, pruning etc?) and cleaning the kitchen - what’s that? Floor mopping and wiping down the sides…

And you share the laundry and general household clearing? And you do the rest? So he’s responsible for one room basically, and not even cooking (so really kitchen tasks are also split pretty evenly since cooking tends to take the longest). Seems like an unfair split even if you were both working full time.

What about the rest? Is he kind and considerate? Does he support you emotionally? Does he cherish you and show his love and appreciation? Is he tactile and affectionate? How about hobbies and social life? Do you get to have any of that? Does he?

If you disagree or ask him to do more, what is his reaction?

It just sounds like it’s crept up into such an unfair situation and i’m not surprised you feel resentful. This breakdown he had…what help did he get? How does he take care of his mental health? Or was his solution to do less in every practical sense - work, household stuff etc., because you’re doing the bulk of it?

TimeForTeaAndG · 02/10/2021 11:05

@cantbuylilt

He sleeps a lot, fiddles around with music stuff online and plays games. There are good points, of course, and we're very well-matched in so many other areas like humour, temperament, interests and the way we spend our time together.

The house is in both names, joint owned. He did pay £5k more deposit than me, but didn't want to protect that, as I paid the moving costs and bought furniture etc at the start for both of us.

I can't have children, so that's one less thing to worry about, I suppose.

Those good points are things that anyone in your life should match with, I could list all those things with my friends.

So what happens to the house if you split up? If it's jointly owned does he gets half? Who pays the mortgage?

FinallyHere · 02/10/2021 11:05

I think I'm more resentful than I've been admitting to myself.

What does he say himself about why he chooses to earn so little?

we're very well-matched in so many other areas like humour, temperament, interests and the way we spend our time together.

But when you think about it, you are paying for his companionship. Only you can know whether he is really worth it for you.

Will your pension be sufficient to support two of you, when the time comes.

timeisnotaline · 02/10/2021 11:05

Doesn’t work, doesn’t earn, doesn’t cook, doesn’t need clean…. Doesn’t get to live with you hopefully! Find someone who isn’t just after a free ride in life op.

JadedSoJaded · 02/10/2021 11:06

I think you need to sit down and have a conversation about your expectations going forward. I couldn’t respect someone so comfortable knowing that your work ethic will cover them. I was in a brief relationship with someone similarly idle. Happy to reap the benefits of my hard work, but incapable of applying themselves similarly.

DrManhattan · 02/10/2021 11:07

Working 2 hours a week. Sounds like a waster to me.

longtompot · 02/10/2021 11:09

@cantbuylilt

His hours do vary. It's between 2 and 10 hours per week, roughly.

He buys music and hardware for his computer, vapes and he buys his own lunch from the corner shop, although we always have food in the house he could have instead.

I'm not extravagant at all. Before I met him, money was really tight for me and I was literally living on pennies. The memory of that has made me a bit wary of overspending.

I was going to say yabu but then read this post. He is wasting his money. If he didn't buy lunch from the shop and all the other things, which he probably doesn't need, then he could afford the glasses.

I wonder if he is eligible for a HC2 due to his low wage, which gives you free prescriptions, including eye tests, and a voucher towards some glasses?
Is there any way he could do more hours? (Apologies if you've already said as I've only read up to this particular post.)

ChargingBuck · 02/10/2021 11:09

The house is in both names, joint owned. He did pay £5k more deposit than me, but didn't want to protect that, as I paid the moving costs and bought furniture etc at the start for both of us.

But he's not paying half the mortgage, is he?

I bet if you stopped paying the lion's share of all his monthly bills, & stopped paying for his holidays & other shared activities ... you could easily afford to buy him out.

You should think about doing that sooner rather than later.
The longer you leave it, the more of your equity he's taking by stealth.

This man has done such a number on you.
I hope you wake up to how badly he has stung you.

Shelby2010 · 02/10/2021 11:12

When discussions about sharing resources come up, it’s important to remember that Time is a very important resource. He is not contributing equal time to the partnership. You’re working more hours both outside & inside the home.

If, for example, mental health reasons meant he only did paid work for 20hrs per week, he should be spending 17hrs per week more than you on domestic chores. Given that you are childless, that should cover pretty much all the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc

He’s taking the piss.

Original poster
cantbuylilt · 02/10/2021 11:13

@TimeForTeaAndG, if we were to split, we'd probably have to sell the house.

He wouldn't be able to buy me out, and I doubt he'll get a mortgage unless he gets proper contracted full-time hours.

I could probably remortgage to buy him out, but would prefer to sell and buy somewhere less expensive where I can have a driveway! Houseprices and parking are at a premium in my city.

OP posts:
MaeD · 02/10/2021 11:16

So you’re basically paying for the mortgage on a house that’s joint owned? Meaning, I assume, that of you split he’ll get half of it? If he’s a good decade older than you he’ll retire sooner than you as well. He could well then be sitting pretty on your wage and then your pension if he’s not contributing to his own. Seems like you’re sleepwalking into a lifetime of supporting this man and paying for assets he will take his share of without actually having contributed much towards them.

I’m sorry for you this has evolved into this situation it’s really really unfair. I honestly don’t know how you carry on working your ass off knowing he is at home sleeping and enjoying the house you pay for (though not enough to actually contribute the lions share to maintaining it).

KatharinaRosalie · 02/10/2021 11:18

No, he is selfish.
He could easily earn more. He has no reasons not to earn more except for pure laziness. 10 hours is ridiculous, not to mention 2.

It's supposed to be a partnership where you both pull your weight. He isn't, is he.

CorianderAndCream · 02/10/2021 11:20

If he's not working as much by choice then that's on him especially TWO HOURS A WEEK.

Sorry but I couldn't marry a man willing to work that little and then let you pick up the bill for everything at home.

FlibbertyGibbitt · 02/10/2021 11:21

COCKLODGER!