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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? No to contact continuing whilst DH is away

232 replies

PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 14:57

My husband has older DC with his exgf who are 8 & 10. They stay with us 3 nights a week.

He has been unexpectedly called away with work starting Monday for 10 days.

Ex is asking that the DC still come here on normal days. I've said no and they need to sort something between themselves. I have young DC of my own which I'll be looking after alone, unfortunately she'll have to do the same.

I'm not best pleased either at this situation, I wish DH could get out of it but unfortunately cannot. He does work away sometimes but it is always well planned in advance and not usually for long periods (just a few days here and there).

It would mean having 4 kids alone, school runs alongside nursery runs etc... Doable probably but really could do without it!

OP posts:
hellcatspangle · 01/10/2021 15:00

Of course you're not being unreasonable, it's up to them to sort it out between them!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/10/2021 15:01

No, it’s not for your to take care of his children alone, not unless you want to.

The point of contact is for them to have time with him, not with you, and not as childcare / respite for their Mum (I’m a single mum whose kids go on contact to exh before anyone starts, so I know it’s annoying if you get messed about).

What he needs to do is talk to their Mum and sort out some “swap” days if they possibly can and if the dc want that.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/10/2021 15:03

So if I were him I’d ask for, say, a full school week when they’re back, if it’s school days they’re missing, or a swap weekend if it’s a weekend. Ideally something “like for like”

He could ask for some time in the holidays, but that’s not really fair on their Mum unless she wants this.

QueenoftheKarens · 01/10/2021 15:05

YANBU. there not your children, they need to deal with it accordingly. You are busy with your own kids.

rookiemere · 01/10/2021 15:06

Well whilst I agree it's not your problem surely the point of regular contact is that the DM is also able to work, so I'd have a lot of sympathy for the DM if she's suddenly now trying to magic childcare up for those days.

sirfredfredgeorge · 01/10/2021 15:06

it's up to them to sort it out between them!

No, it's up to your DH to solve how he's going to provide care for his children while he is supposed to, it's got nothing to do with you, but yes the default would be the children being in their normal place of residence at that time which is your home with him caring for them. He may need to take emergency leave from his job if he can't find suitable carers.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 01/10/2021 15:07

Well, it is his contact time so he needs to make arrangements for the care of his children just like any parent who has to go away for work. But those arrangements don't have to be you.
Ideally he and his ex should do some swaps but if she won't then he needs to sort out childcare.

CornishGem1975 · 01/10/2021 15:08

No, I don't provide care for my DSC when my DP isn't here. I mean, a few hours here and there yes, but not overnight.

Original poster
PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 15:08

@rookiemere

Well whilst I agree it's not your problem surely the point of regular contact is that the DM is also able to work, so I'd have a lot of sympathy for the DM if she's suddenly now trying to magic childcare up for those days.
Yes that's her concern I think, work. I am in the same boat though, having DSC here 3 days of the week won't help my work situation either! And am also having to sort our DC out alone now too.
OP posts:
Cocomarine · 01/10/2021 15:09

The ex shouldn’t even need to ask if they can still come.
These are his contact days, this is his problem.
So it’s a bit unfair to say she is the one asking.
Sounds like he has (at worst) just told her that they can’t come over or (at best) has explained there’s an issue and asked her.

This is his responsibility, and assuming he doesn’t ever take the piss, then I think you have more “obligation” to help him out than she does.

I’m divorced, and my ex and I (and his second wife) do have situations like this. So I’m not at all hardline about flexibility and helping each other - that’s ideal, and how it should be.

But - my heckles are up a little at what is behind your phrasing that the ex is “asking”.

sirfredfredgeorge · 01/10/2021 15:10

I am in the same boat though

You are focussing on HER, you need to focus on your DP, they are responsible, they need to sort it out, if you don't want to be involved in the solution stop talking to his ex, they are being entirely correct in saying that the kids need to be looked after by him, your DP is a lazy shit.

Cocomarine · 01/10/2021 15:12

As a practical solution - can you not work together? Just because you have the kids overnight (for example) doesn’t mean that she couldn’t come to yours to pick up for the school run perhaps.

But before the two women get all bent out of shape sorting out childcare, the man has to consider that no he can’t just go on an unplanned work trip.

Original poster
PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 15:13

I'm not talking to his ex, I don't talk to her. She said this to DH not me. I said no when he brought it up.

Honestly it would be better for everyone if he could do it himself, I don't have any issue with him not going and being here instead! He says he can't though so if that is the case then I don't know what other option there is, because I'm not one. I'm in the exact same situation with our DC, suddenly having to sort everything myself at last minute. It's not that I don't have empathy for the situation, I'm just not going to play fixer, DH needs to sort something which will likely be the mother of the children I'd assume.

OP posts:
HedgehogintheFog · 01/10/2021 15:14

Agree, it is up to your DH to find child care. If his ex and you have both said no, he will have to sort something else out.

Mayorquimby2 · 01/10/2021 15:15

Your husband is completely shirking his responsibilities by not staying suitable child care.

So he's the unreasonable one in all this.

Blahdyblahbla · 01/10/2021 15:15

This is on your DP. If there was no ex wife in the picture he'd have to sort his kids out.
Hopefully he can find a way to make it up to her if she had them on his days, by having them for an extended period next time or something.

underneaththeash · 01/10/2021 15:15

I think your DH needs to work something out. Can you imagine if the boot was on the other foot - she turned round and said she was going away next week and couldn't have the children for her 4 days.

Hummingbird427 · 01/10/2021 15:16

So he has 50% parental responsibility for your children together, and shared custody of his previous kids, and he expects just to duck out of any responsibility or logistical planning and leave you to sort it?

The ex should be contacting your DH, and your DH should be the one sorting it out. including, if he cannot find alternative childcare (including paid childcare, calling in favours) then he'd need to take parental leave or annual leave etc.

Just like a woman would have to.

Why does your DH think that he has a magic get out of jail free card and his job trumps all responsibilities?

What would he think if you acted like this?

THIS is why dads in the workplace are often seen as responsible, reliable - and mums can often be framed as unreliable. He needs to step up and juggle his MULTIPLE commitments properly.

Mayorquimby2 · 01/10/2021 15:16

Presumably he'll be upping his maintenance this month too (not that this is a golden ticket as he's still fucked his ex over)

rookiemere · 01/10/2021 15:17

It always seems to be men "who cannot say no" when asked by work to go away/do overtime etc. Etc.
I'm this case your DH expected you or his ExGF to pick up his parenting responsibilities in his absence. Damn right to put your foot down about doing it, but do try to be angry at the right person.

Original poster
PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 15:18

@underneaththeash

I think your DH needs to work something out. Can you imagine if the boot was on the other foot - she turned round and said she was going away next week and couldn't have the children for her 4 days.
This has actually happened before funnily. She went on a last minute holiday with friends for a week and literally told him about 2 days beforehand.
OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 15:19

That was a few years ago now though

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 01/10/2021 15:19

Your Dh is responsible for sorting childcare while he's away. That certainly doesn't have to be you. His ex should not be expected to keep them with her either, especially if she's working. Why should she miss out financially just because he's not available? Does your Dh have family who can take them?

NewlyGranny · 01/10/2021 15:20

Your DH's ex should not be contacting you abut this. It's for them to sort out! Contact is for the DC to have time with the non-resident parent, not that parent's partner. It's not intended as respite for the resident parent either.

Does your DH know to say no when he is asked?

Original poster
PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 15:20

And honestly my AIBU was whether I was unreasonable to say no, I'm fully aware it's DH being a PITA.

OP posts: