Page 5 | AIBU? No to contact continuing whilst DH is away

PurpleMonkey2 · 2021-10-01T13:57:54+00:00

My husband has older DC with his exgf who are 8 & 10. They stay with us 3 nights a week. He has been unexpectedly called away with work starting Monday for 10 days. Ex is asking that the DC still come here on normal days. I've said no and they need to sort something between themselves. I have young DC of my own which I'll be looking after alone, unfortunately she'll have to do the same. I'm not best pleased either at this situation, I wish DH could get out of it but unfortunately cannot. He does work away sometimes but it is always well planned in advance and not usually for long periods (just a few days here and there). It would mean having 4 kids alone, school runs alongside nursery runs etc... Doable probably but really could do without it!

Staryflight445 · 01/10/2021 16:25

@cricketmum84 ‘I really hope you don’t ever become a step parent’

To be honest I hope that too, I’m not some get out of jail free card for childcare when 2 parents can’t sort their own childcare out between themselves.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 01/10/2021 16:25

Why don’t you suggest that DH offer to pay for emergency nanny to ex?

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 01/10/2021 16:25

And basically say he will cover any and all additional expense to ex as a result of the change of plan

Original poster

PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 16:26

@Reallyimeanreally2022

As a mother

I would not want my 8 and 10 year old to be staying 10 nights with their SM, with whom I don’t get on with, without their father. Added to which, two other young children including a very young baby not sleeping.

I’d be very annoyed and I’d expect the DH to pay so I could have extensive additional childcare in place
.
But not a chance would I want the alternative

We don't not get on, we just rarely talk directly because there's no need to. We make polite chat on the infrequent occasions we are face to face but never had any reason to have her number or actually directly contact her.

OP posts:

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 01/10/2021 16:27

Doesn’t change my stance though

Original poster

PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 16:27

@Reallyimeanreally2022

Why don’t you suggest that DH offer to pay for emergency nanny to ex?

Yes I said upthread id suggest this to him.

OP posts:

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 01/10/2021 16:27

Clearly you are going to be incredibly busy

And I would not want my children caught up with logistics of you getting yours to nursery / work etc

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 01/10/2021 16:28

Oh I thought it was for YOU to have the nanny

Original poster

PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 16:29

@Reallyimeanreally2022

Oh I thought it was for YOU to have the nanny

Nooooo.

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 01/10/2021 16:29

@PurpleMonkey2 does everything generally work OK? Both between the households and with yours - with him pulling his weight and not just expecting things of you?

Because if this is all generally decent people, it’s hard to see why the 3 of you haven’t worked this out. Possibly that being 1 day of being run ragged for you, 1 day for her changing her work hours… etc. Whatever it takes.

Just gives vibes of there being a reason to put your foot down, which is why you’re not all just pulling together for an unusual issue.

NumberTheory · 01/10/2021 16:29

@GreatBigThunder

The point I'm making in this is that it is not more the OPs responsibility than the kids mother. Obviously it's the husband, the Dad, who's the problem here. But OP shouldn't be made to feel guilty by posters for saying no when their own mother is as well (which according to most is totally fine).

Like the PP above me, oh goodness OP how could you not WANT to have your step children, yet the mother saying no is totally reasonable and expected. Such double standards.

It’s not more the OP’s responsibility, but she has more to gain (assuming not an abusive relationship) from DH being able to pursue his business’s needs. Ex is being asked to give more while DH (and OP via him) benefit.

HogDogKetchup · 01/10/2021 16:32

That’s just an assumption.

In my house my DSC’s mum would be way more up the creek without DH’s maintenance than I would be without his salary. I can support myself and my kids. She is pretty reliant on DH.

aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2021 16:33

It’s not more the OP’s responsibility, but she has more to gain (assuming not an abusive relationship) from DH being able to pursue his business’s needs. Ex is being asked to give more while DH (and OP via him) benefit.

The counter argument being that she "benefits" from her children being cared for, being responsible for them, whereas OP does not.

PinkTonic · 01/10/2021 16:33

@Quartz2208

I think something like an emergency nanny for his ex would work OP. He has to at least throw money at this because it is his responsibility but you should press on him that it is his

How would it work? The children’s mother isn’t going away, she’s just expecting her usual 3 nights with the kids at their dad’s.

cookingisoverrated · 01/10/2021 16:33

@rookiemere

Well whilst I agree it's not your problem surely the point of regular contact is that the DM is also able to work, so I'd have a lot of sympathy for the DM if she's suddenly now trying to magic childcare up for those days.

This.

Those are his days and his responsibility. He needs to sort out care and pay for it for those days if he won't be home.

GreatBigThunder · 01/10/2021 16:33

she has more to gain (assuming not an abusive relationship) from DH being able to pursue his business’s needs

Oh so if his business does really well you wouldn't expect the maintenance he pays to go up?

It's not totally redundant to the ex that his business doesn't collapse if she receives maintenance from him (as she should). Do you think the ex/his kids would be better off if he became jobless?

Neither of them should have to risk their own jobs, but the fact is they are his and her children, not OPs.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 01/10/2021 16:35

What do the kids do normally after school when everyone is working? Surely if that’s after school club or childminder they can carry on going there and you could just have them in the evenings. It’s not your responsibility but it would be a kind thing to do if you can still work.

GreatBigThunder · 01/10/2021 16:36

Id not risk my job for anyone but my own kids personally. Don't think there is anything wrong with that. I think it's really shit that people expect a SM to risk her own job more than anyone else because she "benefits anyway" (has she said this?) Fom her husband working.

GreatBigThunder · 01/10/2021 16:37

@GhoulWithADragonTattoo

What do the kids do normally after school when everyone is working? Surely if that’s after school club or childminder they can carry on going there and you could just have them in the evenings. It’s not your responsibility but it would be a kind thing to do if you can still work.

And unless the ex works nightshifts Id assume they could still stay at her house overnight providing the school stuff was covered? Why should OP juggle 4 kids in the evening including a baby who doesn't sleep?

NumberTheory · 01/10/2021 16:39

@HogDogKetchup

That’s just an assumption.

In my house my DSC’s mum would be way more up the creek without DH’s maintenance than I would be without his salary. I can support myself and my kids. She is pretty reliant on DH.

if you’re just looking at current income, that’s true, but it’s a fairly likely assumption - given it’s a 3 nights a week set up she’s unlikely to be getting much maintenance. (Especially from someone who is self employed).

But there’s also future earning (which current efforts underpin) and the benefit of a spouse who gets to pursue what they like.

I am not at all suggesting the OP has to have the kids. I’m more of the opinion there’s an awful lot of mother is the default parent thinking that clouds our approaches to scenarios like these and we aren’t looking closely enough at the fact the DH has built a business that sends him abroad when he has solo responsibility for kids 3 days a week.

Lemons1 · 01/10/2021 16:40

@DoormatBob

Your DH asked the mother and she said no, that seems fine that she shouldn't compromise her job for his.

I think you should help out in this instance as it's your DHs business you ate protecting which I assume is your primary family income?

Would you be happy for him to go bust because he had to stay and look after his kids? You are putting him in a very difficult position. This is your households problem.

Why is it fine for the mother to say no but not OP? OP has a job too, which she has only just returned to, and she is not the DC's mother.

OP, YANBU at all and I think you're getting a hard time on here and a few people are trying to guilt you in to agreeing to it. The whole 'those poor children' stuff is absolute rubbish, sometimes last minute things happen and finding childcare is difficult, it doesn't mean they're being neglected or suffering.

It was fine for them to ask you, but it was also fine for you to say no, and now the parents should be sorting this out between them.

Whydidimarryhim · 01/10/2021 16:41

What happened to flexibility. It’s a one off.😂
It’s not your job OP.

Farwest · 01/10/2021 16:42

This is for the children's parents to sort between them. It has feck all to do with the OP. Dh and his ex need to sort out childcare arrangements for their own children.

If the situation were reversed, and Mum had to go away, very obviously Dad would need to pick up the slack. Because they are his dc. And sometimes you need to scramble and cover childcare gaps.

OP's step dc have 2 parents who are still in a coparenting relationship with each other, and for the good of the dc they need to cover one another at times like this. So if they need a childminder or emergency nanny or whatever, that is for them to sort.

The OP has her own children and work and life to sort.

Cameleongirl · 01/10/2021 16:42

I agree that your DH needs to sort out childcare - but you've also said that their Mum once took a holiday and gave you two days notice that you'd need to look after the children? She didn't try to make any alternative arrangements?

So there's a bad precedent there. Your DH needs to do what's best for the children during his work trip, but going forward, they jointly need to come up with a viable plan for these situations.

NumberTheory · 01/10/2021 16:43

@aSofaNearYou

It’s not more the OP’s responsibility, but she has more to gain (assuming not an abusive relationship) from DH being able to pursue his business’s needs. Ex is being asked to give more while DH (and OP via him) benefit.

The counter argument being that she "benefits" from her children being cared for, being responsible for them, whereas OP does not.

She only benefits from that if someone is caring for her children. Which is the DH’s responsibility for these 3 days. The alternative to OP looking after the children if Ex says “no” is (from the options we sat) the DH staying home and hurting his business.