AIBU? No to contact continuing whilst DH is away

[PurpleMonkey2]

My husband has older DC with his exgf who are 8 & 10. They stay with us 3 nights a week.

He has been unexpectedly called away with work starting Monday for 10 days.

Ex is asking that the DC still come here on normal days. I've said no and they need to sort something between themselves. I have young DC of my own which I'll be looking after alone, unfortunately she'll have to do the same.

I'm not best pleased either at this situation, I wish DH could get out of it but unfortunately cannot. He does work away sometimes but it is always well planned in advance and not usually for long periods (just a few days here and there).

It would mean having 4 kids alone, school runs alongside nursery runs etc... Doable probably but really could do without it!

*see not sat!

OP

YANBU 🌸

I appreciate that they are not “technically” your problem and that looking after 4 kids is hard work but forget about whose responsibility it is to provide childcare.

What sort of relationship do you want your SK’s to have with you? I am a step parent and always took them on as if they were my own - so if their dad wasn’t here they came here anyway, our home is their home etc.

By only coming when their Dad is home - what does that say about how you feel about them? That they are an inconvenience and not part of your family.

@PurpleMonkey2

Sorry just to give a bit more context to the work trip, he owns his own business so it's not a work place that are sending him and so he can't take parental leave in the same way.

There's an issue with a contract abroad that he needs to sort, apparently very important to the integrity of the business. I'm honestly aware how much of a pain it is, I'm not happy about it either.

Ah right, so he has ultimately CHOSEN to have to go abroad.

I write the above as someone whose DH worked abroad every week for 30 years, so I'm extremely familiar with the various crises that arise, but still. In today's Covid world, most things can be sorted at arm's length. And certainly not at so little notice, expecting "the womenfolk" to pick up the tab.

How dare he? I'm incensed in both your behalves.

I'm a bit on the fence there your step kids and DH is away with work not a jolly .
TBH it's a bit sad that you don't see them more as your family unit rather than his kids

She only benefits from that if someone is caring for her children. Which is the DH’s responsibility for these 3 days. The alternative to OP looking after the children if Ex says “no” is (from the options we sat) the DH staying home and hurting his business.

No, you misunderstand me. My point was that the mother benefits from her children being cared for, generally, whereas OP does not. That is why it is more her responsibility to sort than OPs, in the absence of their dad.

IF they have an agreement for these days its HIS place to sort of "childcare" when they're meant to be in his care. YOU or EX shouldn't pick up the slack, its his job to sort out the childcare whether that be you, parents etc but that doesn't mean its on EX to have the children.

He can't find childcare? Then he can't go on the trip.

Simples.

Same as millions upon millions of women/mothers deal with day in and day out.

@PurpleMonkey2

perhaps she assumes they operate as a team with OP doing more on the domestic front so the bloke can work

So the bloke can work? I also work... As I've said.

I was just saying that the ex might not know that, she may just see it as your household’s problem to work out-I’m not saying she’s right, just that it isn’t her concern which of you does the childcare as long as she’s not left in the lurch. She may assume her ex wouldn’t be such a twat as to swan off on business without ensuring you will be at home with the children….who knows.

And yes I see now you have said you work, three days I think? I have caveated all my comments on this with a big IF but honestly if your husband is the full time worker and his salary pays most bills (again, IF!) then I can sort of see an argument that you pick up more domestic labour and I’m not sure how drawing a hard line between your shared children and his own children works in that situation. I’m usually in the camp of ‘his children, his responsibility’ but if his work supports you financially in any way then I think on occasion you pitch in with ‘his’ kids if it enables him to work, I’d think differently if this was to facilitate a weekend away golfing!

This is yet another question about blended families that there is no easy answer to.

i think @Cocomarine is absolutely spot on.

DH needs to sort out childcare though, not assume his ex will do it. Cover for those days is down to him.

@arethereanyleftatall I agree with you - but did you see upthread that the Mum once went on a week's holiday and gave them two days notice that they needed to have the children during that time?

So it's not really a Mum or Dad issue, it's a joint one that needs to be resolved.

Actually I may have misread that you work three days a week, perhaps it’s just that the kids come three days a week. If you’re full time then my points don’t apply and I don’t see you have an obligation to have the children because he bears a heavier financial and work load (if he doesn’t).

Agree with a PP, he can't go as he cannot sort cover for looking after his children during his contact time.

I am with Great big Thunder on this one and I watched it with my younger brother and his ex wife. The inflexibility. No, they cannot come to important family do because it is my weekend. No I can't have them as it is not my day etc. Why do children suddenly only become your priority on your day. Surely you would be delighted to see more of them unexpectedly. I get that before and after school might be tricky last minute but most work places are flexible enough these days to find a work round. I am not saying this is all the ex being difficult but the kids need to be the priority. A sensible discussion between anyone of the adults involved in caring for these kids is required and the adults need to put the kids first and find a compromise that works.

No, I don't work 3 days, I've not said anywhere that I do.

Your DP needs to sort out childcare for his children. He can't just say no to their regular contact time. What a tosser

I had a similar incident over the summer. ExH was due to have our kids for a week, and gave me three days notice to say he couldn't as he needed to work, and that his wife couldn't/wouldn't have them.

I just replied that I would be dropping the kids on Monday at 8am as per the agreement, and it was his problem to sort, so he could pay for childcare or ask his family, or come to an arrangement with his wife. I gave him the details of my childminder and a babysitter I use to be helpful, and left him to sort his problem.

When he realised he'd have to pay for childcare on "his" time, and that I wouldn't just take annual leave to cover him, his wife suddenly was ok with having them.

Your DH doesn’t have the right to ditch responsibility for his children when he’s supposed to see them and provide the childcare.

You at least have childcare to cover the hours you need to be at work, whereas it sounds like the children’s mum will really struggle if her co parent just decides to opt out of being a parent when he feels like it so he can go on a work trip.

If it’s his own business, he is doing this because he wants to, not because he has to to keep a roof over his children’s heads.

I don’t think you should have to have your step children stay with you without their parent there, but if the ex will be unable to work or be forced to pay for childcare because of this, your DH is a twat.

@GreatBigThunder

And that's not to say he isn't unreasonable for dropping this on them both at short notice. Just that it doesn't magically become Ops responsibility more than their own mother's.

Well, it kind of does because it's HIS time to have the responsibility for his children. His Ex might not be having 'me time' for those nights, but be working. It's HIS responsibility to find childcare, the most obvious person to ask (if the mum is unable/unwilling to have them) is the step parent, your partner, to help out. Obviously it's their prerogative to say 'No DH I could help you out, but I won't' which is what the OP is saying. (Which may/may not be reasonable/justified) but asking your spouse for a favour before asking your parents/siblings/friends is pretty normal!

@aSofaNearYou

She only benefits from that if someone is caring for her children. Which is the DH’s responsibility for these 3 days. The alternative to OP looking after the children if Ex says “no” is (from the options we sat) the DH staying home and hurting his business.

No, you misunderstand me. My point was that the mother benefits from her children being cared for, generally, whereas OP does not. That is why it is more her responsibility to sort than OPs, in the absence of their dad.

I see the situation as - the DH isn’t absent to sort out care. He’s simply proposing being absent to do the actual care. It’s still on him to sort it. And he needs to use his resources (money, goodwill etc.) to do so. If he can’t provide incentive enough to either his Ex or OP he needs to stay home and care for his children. Him staying home and the repercussions of that isn’t much disincentive for the ex, but could be for OP. From what she’s posted so far I think OP has more incentive than ex but I entirely see why it’s not enough.

the most obvious person to ask (if the mum is unable/unwilling to have them) is the step parent, your partner, to help out

So you basically just agreed as you implied the mother would be asked first? I'm not saying OP shouldn't have been asked, just that it's not MORE down to her than anyone else. I also think Mum should be the first port of call.

If it’s his own business, he is doing this because he wants to, not because he has to to keep a roof over his children’s heads

Self employed people don't need to keep a roof over their children's heads now?! Wow fantastic, who knew?

What does this even mean?

[quote Cameleongirl]@arethereanyleftatall I agree with you - but did you see upthread that the Mum once went on a week's holiday and gave them two days notice that they needed to have the children during that time?

So it's not really a Mum or Dad issue, it's a joint one that needs to be resolved.[/quote]
Once. A few years ago.
And OP didn’t elaborate on it.
So ex maybe got a last minute opportunity and asked if it was OK, and dad was fine with it, happy days all round. That hardly means she’s taking the piss if a few years later she’s asked for flexibility in return and says - sorry, it’s an issue with work so would be difficult on this occasion.

I get that before and after school might be tricky last minute but most work places are flexible enough these days to find a work round
No they are not! Many job mean that flexibility at the last minute is not an option or at least not one without being judge for demanding it.

The main point here is the lack of clarity around the requirement of this work trip. If I was the ex, I would want to know what brought on this emergency trip at the last minute that requires 10 days abroad.

Of he doesn't want to divulge the reason why, than he sorts it out.