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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? No to contact continuing whilst DH is away

232 replies

PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 14:57

My husband has older DC with his exgf who are 8 & 10. They stay with us 3 nights a week.

He has been unexpectedly called away with work starting Monday for 10 days.

Ex is asking that the DC still come here on normal days. I've said no and they need to sort something between themselves. I have young DC of my own which I'll be looking after alone, unfortunately she'll have to do the same.

I'm not best pleased either at this situation, I wish DH could get out of it but unfortunately cannot. He does work away sometimes but it is always well planned in advance and not usually for long periods (just a few days here and there).

It would mean having 4 kids alone, school runs alongside nursery runs etc... Doable probably but really could do without it!

OP posts:
UltimateBugKilla · 01/10/2021 16:09

No, your not unreasonable to say no.

GreatBigThunder · 01/10/2021 16:11

[quote Cocomarine]**@GreatBigThunder* regarding the ex doing it to him for a holiday. OP says it was a few years ago - so doesn’t sound like a constant theme. My ex and I have both made changes with a few days (or less!) notice over the years. If the ex got a chance of a short notice holiday, asked and it was OK at the time, then it shouldn’t be dragged up now as a reason why she should have* to adjust her plans when it’s not OK.[/quote]
And OP has said nothing to indicate that this is a constant theme either.

I think it's entirely relevant to be fair. If you expect your ex to accommodate your last minute jolly then you may have to offer the same flexibility when roles are reversed, not expect his wife to.

Cocomarine · 01/10/2021 16:11

@UniBallEye

Poor kids Sad

It's awful reading about them like they're just an inconvenience to everyone.

I hope you all find a solution.

There’s no need for emotive nonsense like that. I’m sure OP and the two parents all love these children dearly. Just because you love your child doesn’t mean you don’t ever have logistics to sort out that are a pain.

Next time my football WhatsApp pings with a parent juggling schedules asking for a lift for their child, so I reply with, “you poor child - such an inconvenience Sad”.

You’re being ridiculous.

DoormatBob · 01/10/2021 16:12

Your DH asked the mother and she said no, that seems fine that she shouldn't compromise her job for his.

I think you should help out in this instance as it's your DHs business you ate protecting which I assume is your primary family income?

Would you be happy for him to go bust because he had to stay and look after his kids? You are putting him in a very difficult position. This is your households problem.

GreatBigThunder · 01/10/2021 16:13

The point I'm making in this is that it is not more the OPs responsibility than the kids mother. Obviously it's the husband, the Dad, who's the problem here. But OP shouldn't be made to feel guilty by posters for saying no when their own mother is as well (which according to most is totally fine).

Like the PP above me, oh goodness OP how could you not WANT to have your step children, yet the mother saying no is totally reasonable and expected. Such double standards.

GreatBigThunder · 01/10/2021 16:15

I think you should help out in this instance as it's your DHs business you ate protecting which I assume is your primary family income?

I assume it's the primary source of maintenance too.

ChimneyPot · 01/10/2021 16:15

Is he sure he will be able to get a last minute visa to travel to the US on Monday? Or is he American.

It could be a lot of arguments and stress over nothing if he can’t go.

GreatBigThunder · 01/10/2021 16:15

seems fine that she shouldn't compromise her job for his

And neither should OP for their children.

Why would you think it okay for OP to compromise her job for his and the exes children?

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 01/10/2021 16:16

He’s a parent who has a regular substantial contact arrangement in place for his children. He doesn’t get to just go off on a work trip at no notice and leave the women in his life to figure out the solution. I would be raging if I was his ex - it’s a shitty way to behave, just announcing he won’t have the kids for half the week and she is left trying to work and sort childcare. It’s his problem to sort, before he agrees to the work trip. One option HE should have explored was asking you if you could help, but if you’re (quite reasonably) not willing to then he needs to sort something else or say he can’t go on the work trip. Like plenty of female employees regularly have to.

The only thing I would say is that if you don’t work or don’t work much and he financially supports your household then you should cover his childcare responsibilities while he’s away on a work trip. You can’t live off his wages but refuse to pull the domestic weight of your shared household. That’s a big IF though - if you work as much as him and have equal work/domestic responsibilities then I don’t think you have any particular obligation to help here.

aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2021 16:16

YANBU at all, just leave them to sort it.

aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2021 16:16

@LowlandLucky

They are your step children so why wouldn't you want them to stay with you, they are your children's siblings.
What a bizarre line of logic.
Cocomarine · 01/10/2021 16:17

@GreatBigThunder I completely agree that if you take advantage of flexibility - the short notice holiday a few years ago - then you have to be prepared to offer flexibility too.

But to me, that just means being open to being flexible - not being obligated to say yes.

My ex is flexible, as am I. But sometimes that means the convo goes, “sorry, I’m out that weekend already.” / “no worries, thanks for checking.”

OP has said that the ex’s concern is work. She’s not just saying no to be rigid for the hell of it.

I still think the most practical solution is a mix of mother and stepmother, with father sorting out as much of that (like phoning to check after school club places) as possible.

cricketmum84 · 01/10/2021 16:17

@CityMumma78

I wouldn’t look after someone else’s kids! Their kids their problem not yours and you are not being unreasonable!! Surely there can be a level of flexibility between the two of them!!
I really hope you don't ever become a step parent
aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2021 16:18

I really hope you don't ever become a step parent

Why, because they're not being enough of a doormat? I hope you never become a partner of a step parent.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 01/10/2021 16:19

I’m floored the ex would even want this.

If I knew my 8 and 10 year would be left in this situation…. No bloody way

LaetitiaASD · 01/10/2021 16:19

@UniBallEye

Poor kids Sad

It's awful reading about them like they're just an inconvenience to everyone.

I hope you all find a solution.

Erm, doesn't "an inconvenience to everyone" pretty much describe all kids, apart from, maybe, teenage ones who are much worse?
cricketmum84 · 01/10/2021 16:20

@aSofaNearYou

I really hope you don't ever become a step parent

Why, because they're not being enough of a doormat? I hope you never become a partner of a step parent.

I already am...

We don't do the whole - your child and my child shit.

Coffeepot72 · 01/10/2021 16:20

What would the ex do if the OP wasn’t in the picture?

VavavoomHenry · 01/10/2021 16:21

I think he should be speaking to her (and you) about supporting with childcare whilst he is unavoidably away. E.g paying for an after school club and organising it.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 01/10/2021 16:21

@Reallyimeanreally2022

I’m floored the ex would even want this.

If I knew my 8 and 10 year would be left in this situation…. No bloody way

Really? You’re floored that the ex might expect to be able to go to work and that her children’s dad fulfils his responsibility to them? She doesn’t know the inner workings of the OP’s household - perhaps she assumes they operate as a team with OP doing more on the domestic front so the bloke can work, in which case of course his older kids should be included in that on their contact days.
Cocomarine · 01/10/2021 16:23

@LaetitiaASD 🤣

Original poster
PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 16:23

perhaps she assumes they operate as a team with OP doing more on the domestic front so the bloke can work

So the bloke can work? Confused I also work... As I've said.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 01/10/2021 16:24

@Coffeepot72

What would the ex do if the OP wasn’t in the picture?
Did you mean, what would the father do if OP wasn’t in the picture?
Reallyimeanreally2022 · 01/10/2021 16:24

As a mother

I would not want my 8 and 10 year old to be staying 10 nights with their SM, with whom I don’t get on with, without their father. Added to which, two other young children including a very young baby not sleeping.

I’d be very annoyed and I’d expect the DH to pay so I could have extensive additional childcare in place
.
But not a chance would I want the alternative

Coffeepot72 · 01/10/2021 16:24

Remember that contact time is for the child to spend time with the father, not the father’s new wife

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