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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? No to contact continuing whilst DH is away

232 replies

PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 14:57

My husband has older DC with his exgf who are 8 & 10. They stay with us 3 nights a week.

He has been unexpectedly called away with work starting Monday for 10 days.

Ex is asking that the DC still come here on normal days. I've said no and they need to sort something between themselves. I have young DC of my own which I'll be looking after alone, unfortunately she'll have to do the same.

I'm not best pleased either at this situation, I wish DH could get out of it but unfortunately cannot. He does work away sometimes but it is always well planned in advance and not usually for long periods (just a few days here and there).

It would mean having 4 kids alone, school runs alongside nursery runs etc... Doable probably but really could do without it!

OP posts:
lockdownalli · 01/10/2021 19:31

YANBU OP

This is definitely something for the DC parents to resolve between the two of them.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/10/2021 19:43

@HedgehogintheFog

Agree, it is up to your DH to find child care. If his ex and you have both said no, he will have to sort something else out.
This ^

I’d be livid if I was the ex that he thought it wasn’t his issue to sort.

sirfredfredgeorge · 01/10/2021 19:48

This is definitely something for the DC parents to resolve between the two of them

Except of course that the kids home is also the home of the OP, so she certainly needs to be expecting the kids to be there, it's there home after all.

aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2021 19:52

Except of course that the kids home is also the home of the OP, so she certainly needs to be expecting the kids to be there, it's there home after all.

Nope try again. Home or not, kids under 16 go where the person responsible for them is.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 01/10/2021 20:06

@lockdownalli

YANBU OP

This is definitely something for the DC parents to resolve between the two of them.

No, whilst the OP is certainly NBU, it's for the father to sort.
sirfredfredgeorge · 01/10/2021 20:12

Nope try again. Home or not, kids under 16 go where the person responsible for them is

I'm sure they'll enjoy their trip to the US!

HogDogKetchup · 01/10/2021 20:13

@Coffeepot72

I swear my DH’s ex would have happily dropped DSS off at an empty house, if our household had been in the OP’s situation. She viewed contact as respite care, and I don’t think is unusual. And she was fixated on her right to it.
This made me smile. My DSS’ Mum is the same. She would send him to the moon aslong as her CMS didn’t stop.
doctordoverylittle · 01/10/2021 20:29

I think YANBU if its too much of a stretch as you are also losing your co parent for 10 days. but i also feel sorry for the children. My stepmother treated me like one of her own and had me as normal when my father went away. their house was my house so i cant imagine her ever being of the "not my problem" mentality and me not being able to go "home" because my dad wasnt there. My stepmum was my family too and cared about me. Also her siblings or parents would have taken care of me, as they would their biological nieces and nephews, if she needed help. we were just one big family (on that side of my family).

Stickyblue1987 · 01/10/2021 20:30

Yanbu. I'm not a step parent so don't have any experience of this. However imo you are not obligated to do this. Your dh is away for 10 days. You have your own 2 to look after, and then potentially 2 more for 3 nights. That's a long time to be on your own juggling children and work.

Ultimately your dh needs to have a back up plan for such circumstances. It's not fair that him and his ex expect you to do it.

If this was my dc I wouldn't want to send them to a home where their parent isn't there and where the other adult has 2dc to look after and a job. I would worry that they would be overlooked and the parent there would be extremely stressed (understandably). I would keep my dc with me. Obviously this isn't tenable in the long term but as a one of I would suck it up.

Crazycrazylady · 01/10/2021 20:36

Gosh I think you're dead wrong here. It's not her you'd be helping out , it's your dh as it's his job to cover his days for childcare not his ex's.
These are your children's half siblings and I think it sends a fairly horrible message to the children themselves as to how you see them. I'd understand if it was a constant but it sounds like it's a one off.

Coffeepot72 · 02/10/2021 09:44

What on earth do forces families do? When I was growing up my Dad was regularly deployed all over the world, and I doubt the MOD would have worried about his contact schedule. Thankfully Mum was sensible about it, and kept me with her, rather than dropping me off at Brizenorton.

Cocomarine · 02/10/2021 09:58

@Coffeepot72

What on earth do forces families do? When I was growing up my Dad was regularly deployed all over the world, and I doubt the MOD would have worried about his contact schedule. Thankfully Mum was sensible about it, and kept me with her, rather than dropping me off at Brizenorton.
So let’s take a completely different situation and just randomly throw that in…
AnneElliott · 02/10/2021 10:23

I think it depends on the job the ex does. If it's a 'normal' 9-5 the. The H needs to book and pay for breakfast and after school club and the mum has them for the evenings. If she's a nurse or someone on shifts then it's not reasonable to ask her to change that so yes an emergency nanny might be the only answer.

I don't think op should have to sort it out and have 4 kids by herself plus work! If she didn't work then maybe as she'd be doing her H a favour, but sorting 4 kids and then working is a very big ask.

billy1966 · 02/10/2021 10:33

Absolutely nothing to do with you.

This is between both of their parents.

You would be very unwise to allow yourself be used as an aupair for his children.

Too many young women are used as nanny/house skivvys to men with other children.

Protect yourself from being used.

lunar1 · 02/10/2021 10:39

He can't go then can he? He's no child care so what does he propose happens with them?

MadeOfStarStuff · 02/10/2021 10:40

It’s unfair of DH to decide to opt out of parenting for 10 days and expect you and his ex to pick up the pieces.

Appreciate it’s for work but what would he do if he was a single parent without you or ex on the scene?

Popetthetreehugger · 02/10/2021 10:49

Makes me so sad to read the few Iv read , these DC are your step children, do you not love them and want to see they have best outcomes? So from now on they know your just dads current partner and not really connected to them . Good luck with that relationship going forward. And as for not speaking to their DM … grow up

GreatBigThunder · 02/10/2021 10:54

Makes me so sad to read the few Iv read , these DC are your children, do you not love them and want to see they have best outcomes? So from now on they know your just their Mum on certain days and not really connected to them . Good luck with that relationship going forward. And as for not speaking to their step mother … grow up

Changed it for you. Is that okay? Why is it okay to say it about OP but not their mother who is also saying no to having them?

I'm not saying the ex is wrong either, I'm just saying all this guilting OP about something the kids own mother has also refused to do is a joke. Do you think their Mum doesn't love them or doesn't want the best outcomes for them too? Or is it just step mothers who have to be doormats to prove their love?

And she didn't say she doesn't speak to the Mum, she just said they've never had reason to be in direct contact and speak when they are face to face, that's what a lot of people do, nothing to do with age Confused

aSofaNearYou · 02/10/2021 11:45

@sirfredfredgeorge

Nope try again. Home or not, kids under 16 go where the person responsible for them is

I'm sure they'll enjoy their trip to the US!

I get that the point you're trying to make is that the dad is the person responsible for them, but I'm not trying to disprove that. The point I was addressing was the oft rolled out argument that because her house is their home, OP should expect them to be there. Even outside of step families, children go where their parents or agreed childcare is. If that person isn't in their home, then they don't go home. That doesn't stop it being their home, but the primary factor in where they are is who is caring for them.
HogDogKetchup · 02/10/2021 11:48

@Popetthetreehugger

Makes me so sad to read the few Iv read , these DC are your step children, do you not love them and want to see they have best outcomes? So from now on they know your just dads current partner and not really connected to them . Good luck with that relationship going forward. And as for not speaking to their DM … grow up
Its the logistics of childcare not emotions that make this difficult for OP.
sirfredfredgeorge · 02/10/2021 12:11

The point I was addressing was the oft rolled out argument that because her house is their home, OP should expect them to be there

In this situation, even if when the DP gets a Nanny as the childcare for the few days while they are overseas, it will most likely be in the childs home - there aren't really any other options, it's school time so there aren't camps running where they could overnight, they could put the children and nanny up in a hotel, but that's getting pretty harsh on the children who have a home, their parent cannot look after them at that time in it, but it's still there home and it's normal for the care to continue in that home when they need to be close for school, rather than anywhere else by having the childcare move in.

aSofaNearYou · 02/10/2021 12:35

In this situation, even if when the DP gets a Nanny as the childcare for the few days while they are overseas, it will most likely be in the childs home - there aren't really any other options, it's school time so there aren't camps running where they could overnight, they could put the children and nanny up in a hotel, but that's getting pretty harsh on the children who have a home, their parent cannot look after them at that time in it, but it's still there home and it's normal for the care to continue in that home when they need to be close for school, rather than anywhere else by having the childcare move in.

I think realistically not many parents would book a nanny/club for 10 days, they would more likely send the kids to stay with grandparents etc, someone happy and willing to look after them.

Amiwronghere · 02/10/2021 12:39

Why would he ask you to do this Confused

sirfredfredgeorge · 02/10/2021 12:46

aSofaNearYou well of course few parents would, few parents could afford to, and I think most step-parents would just carry on looking after the kids or the parents would make some mutually beneficial arrangement to have the children in the other home.

However those two options aren't there here, so it's next options, I agree if there are grandparents around, then that could work.

HogDogKetchup · 02/10/2021 12:49

The problem with the expectation that the children should stay in whatever home they’re usually in during that time, is that it places the onus on OP to be available for childcare. So it’s ok trotting this argument out like it’s the only consideration, but unless the house is staffed ultimately the children need taking care of. Clearly OP doesn’t do the bulk of the care for those children in her home so it places a huge burden on her. It’s quite a tall order to expect someone, who isn’t usually responsible for the kids to suddenly be able to accommodate them around work and their own commitments. I don’t know any working parents (myself included) who sit about twiddling their thumbs with oodles of time to look after twice the amount of kids at short notice.