AIBU? No to contact continuing whilst DH is away

[PurpleMonkey2]

My husband has older DC with his exgf who are 8 & 10. They stay with us 3 nights a week.

He has been unexpectedly called away with work starting Monday for 10 days.

Ex is asking that the DC still come here on normal days. I've said no and they need to sort something between themselves. I have young DC of my own which I'll be looking after alone, unfortunately she'll have to do the same.

I'm not best pleased either at this situation, I wish DH could get out of it but unfortunately cannot. He does work away sometimes but it is always well planned in advance and not usually for long periods (just a few days here and there).

It would mean having 4 kids alone, school runs alongside nursery runs etc... Doable probably but really could do without it!

@sirfredfredgeorge

aSofaNearYou well of course few parents would, few parents could afford to, and I think most step-parents would just carry on looking after the kids or the parents would make some mutually beneficial arrangement to have the children in the other home.

However those two options aren't there here, so it's next options, I agree if there are grandparents around, then that could work.

I don't agree that most step parents would keep having them for that amount of time with two young kids of their own including a baby, and a job, tbh. I think most would say no. But yes, I do think most would make an arrangement with the other parent, or ask grandparents.

He's responsible for childcare for those days. He needs to recognise and accept that, and not just assume he can dump on the women around him.

If he has a good relationship with his Ex, he can ask her to be flexible. But he needs to accept she may have plans.

He can also ask you to help. You're allowed to say 'no', but a relationship is give-and-take, and you could offer to help for some of it if it suits you. The big question is - would he do the same for you?

Any remaining childcare is up to him to come up with a solution for. Does he have family who could help? Could he do a shorter meeting abroad and some of it virtually?

I wonder how much effort he's putting into finding solutions? At this point I suspect OP has thought about this a great deal more than he has.

@sirfredfredgeorge

it's up to them to sort it out between them!

No, it's up to your DH to solve how he's going to provide care for his children while he is supposed to, it's got nothing to do with you, but yes the default would be the children being in their normal place of residence at that time which is your home with him caring for them. He may need to take emergency leave from his job if he can't find suitable carers.

Agree with this. Your husband needs to fix this, either by finding alternative childcare and paying for it if needs be, convincing you to let them stay (where they are not wanted at this time) or telling work he can’t go. But definitely a him problem.

Or come to compromise with his ex. Forgot that option.

It's 100 percent the responsibility of the dad to find childcare.

His options are:

1. Ask his wife;
2. Ask the children's mother;

If neither are able to do the childcare then he will need to either

1. Not go on the workshop
2. Find alternative childcare - a temporary nanny, grandparents, combination of afterschool club and babysitter etc

He needs to come up with a plan before he goes away

Your husband needs to fix this, either by finding alternative childcare and paying for it if needs be, convincing you to let them stay

Agree with everything apart from the convincing you to let them stay.

OP should not be pressured to agree to something she doesn't want to anymore than the kids Mum should be. I'm guessing you wouldn't think "convincing the Mum to have them" would be an appropriate option, why is it for OP?

She is entitled (the most entitled out of all of the adults in this situation imo) to say no and have that no respected and not having attempts of convincing or guilting placed on her afterwards. She's not their parent.

I havent read through all the comments, someone may have already said this.

Why is everyone so eager to jump on the dad and say its solely his responsibility. It may be his time but he has to work with the mum to find a solution. If they were still together it would be exactly the same. Just because you split up it doesn't magically mean all issues completely disappear and only become the responsibility of the parent currently having the contact time.

Op, they should just speak and come up with something that may suit everybody. You don't have to have the children, but you could compromise and help for one day possibly. But thats completely your choice.