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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? No to contact continuing whilst DH is away

232 replies

PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 14:57

My husband has older DC with his exgf who are 8 & 10. They stay with us 3 nights a week.

He has been unexpectedly called away with work starting Monday for 10 days.

Ex is asking that the DC still come here on normal days. I've said no and they need to sort something between themselves. I have young DC of my own which I'll be looking after alone, unfortunately she'll have to do the same.

I'm not best pleased either at this situation, I wish DH could get out of it but unfortunately cannot. He does work away sometimes but it is always well planned in advance and not usually for long periods (just a few days here and there).

It would mean having 4 kids alone, school runs alongside nursery runs etc... Doable probably but really could do without it!

OP posts:
Curerofsouls · 01/10/2021 15:48

Your husband needs to sort out childcare not their mum. She probably needs time to meet her own comitments and has based this off his time with them. He needs to reslove this you certainly don't.

Cocomarine · 01/10/2021 15:48

@GreatBigThunder

I would definitely support him in that, just as part of being a unit with him

So OP should struggle with 4 kids by herself so that his ex, who chose to have kids with him regardless as to their relationship status now, can have her alone time 3 nights a week?

Ridiculous. They are mother and father's responsibility. If Dad can't do something then it's up to her. Same with all parents.

Agree though if he can ask parents or something to help that would be best.

That’s unfair to disparagingly refer to the ex’s “alone time”, when OP said she believes that the ex’s concern is her own work.

I think that when you marry someone, you do what you can to help them - even if it’s a pita. That’s subject to them not being an arsehole in general.

I think that when you have kids with someone, you do what you can to be flexible. Again - assuming they’re not an arsehole.

Who should have the kids here depends on a lot of detail we don’t have.

I posted before, it might be best to work together.

I’m in this situation myself - and I’m the one of the 4 adults who (pre Covid) travelled. There’s nothing wrong with asking an ex to be flexible. But if they can’t, I’d be really disappointed if my own partner didn’t then help me. All subject of course to me being a decent partner myself, making a reasonable request.

CityMumma78 · 01/10/2021 15:48

I wouldn’t look after someone else’s kids! Their kids their problem not yours and you are not being unreasonable!! Surely there can be a level of flexibility between the two of them!!

Original poster
PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 15:49

OP it isnt your responsibility but she isnt in the same position as you

How is she not in the same position? It's not easier for me either. I also now can't rely on DH for things to do with our kids that he'd usually do and will have to sort it out myself.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 01/10/2021 15:50

I don’t think you should have to do it, but I do think you should impress on him that he is the one responsible for the kids on these days and it should be a matter of him asking his ex if she can look after them (and providing suitable quid pro quo) not just assuming it’s her responsibility to sort out the mess and find a solution.

cabingirl · 01/10/2021 15:50

Your DH needs to hire someone to help with the kids while he is away - to cover school pick ups, after school care etc.

If you decide to do this at your house as well he needs to make sure that there's a minimal distruption for all the chores like food prep etc. Extra budget for ordering in food so that you aren't doing it all on your own.

vivainsomnia · 01/10/2021 15:50

There's an issue with a contract abroad that he needs to sort, apparently very important to the integrity of the business
And that requires to be away for 10 days....yeah right!

I'm sure he can sort the main issue in a couple of days and the rest from home. I smell a rat!

worriedatthemoment · 01/10/2021 15:51

Your dh needs to paying for childcare etc then as they are his days, imagine if their mum just left them for an extra 5 days at yours on her days
Whilst I agree its not your problem it is def your dh and like any parent he needs to think ahead and plan with work etc around it , does he have parents or sibling he could ask

GreatBigThunder · 01/10/2021 15:52

There’s nothing wrong with asking an ex to be flexible. But if they can’t, I’d be really disappointed if my own partner didn’t then help me

But what I don't understand is why the ex is absolved of all responsibility because she has commitments such as work, but OP, the partner, is really disappointing for also saying no when she has exactly the same commitments as the children's mother. She also has DC to look after alone, a job to go to. Why would it be disappointing for her not to help but the ex is totally reasonable to not be flexible with her own kids?

Again, when you have kids with someone you do need to accept there will be times like this. OP even said she did it to him for a holiday! So not completely unfair to expect some flexibility back imo.

Quartz2208 · 01/10/2021 15:54

@PurpleMonkey2

OP it isnt your responsibility but she isnt in the same position as you

How is she not in the same position? It's not easier for me either. I also now can't rely on DH for things to do with our kids that he'd usually do and will have to sort it out myself.

Because it is HIS time - she is no longer married to him and they have a agreement where she has 4 nights and he has 3 and presumably maintenance reflects this. One option I guess is for him to sort out payment to reflect this. But it isnt her job at all to cover his needs and take his slack.

And how many of the 10 days are hers it is 3 or 6.

You are right it isnt your job - but it definitely is his. She now has at short notice got to change everything because her ex has decided he needs to travel for 10 days. It sounds needed and you get the benefit of this but she doesnt as it looks like the split means no maintenance.

The real question is has your husband recognised any of this - has he thought through any option that isnt you or her taking his slack.

Cocomarine · 01/10/2021 15:54

@PurpleMonkey2

It's doable if I run myself ragged trying to rush everyone around to schools, nurseries, myself to work on time etc... no idea about after school, they'd have to go to some sort of club I guess as I can't just leave work early to pick up DSC. I have an 8 month old too who's not sleeping through properly yet so am knackered as it is, am just back in work recently.

So yeah, it's doable in that it's not literally impossible but it's certainly not something I have any desire to do.

I said the devil is in the detail…

For a husband who said, “I’m sorry, this is a huge ask… I’ve spoken to Friend Parent who says they can do a play date on Monday, and for Tue/Wed I’ve booked them into after school club so you wouldn’t need to rush to get them. I know you’re knackered as it is, so I’ll take the night wakings all this week instead of our usual sharing, so you get a proper run of sleep first” < for this man, I would say yes.

If he was more, “woman do my childcare” then I would be less accommodating 🤷🏻‍♀️

GreatBigThunder · 01/10/2021 15:54

@worriedatthemoment

Your dh needs to paying for childcare etc then as they are his days, imagine if their mum just left them for an extra 5 days at yours on her days Whilst I agree its not your problem it is def your dh and like any parent he needs to think ahead and plan with work etc around it , does he have parents or sibling he could ask
What is this magical childcare where your kids can stay at their house overnight 3 times a week? I understand to and from school and after school clubs etc... But what about the overnights? What do people actually expect him to sort in that respect? Just ask some random to have his kids overnight?

He can arrange to and from school childcare, after school etc... But overnights should be at mum's.

Not everyone has grandparents around they can just ask.

Etinox · 01/10/2021 15:55

Many years ago we were able to put an emergency nanny through in expenses. No idea whether this is still possible but what about one anyway? Someone turning up from 7 for breakfast/ school run then collecting some you and supporting you through witching hour would make a big difference.

HogDogKetchup · 01/10/2021 15:57

I was wondering the same. Nobody else has ever had my kids overnight other than their dad.

Quartz2208 · 01/10/2021 15:57

I think something like an emergency nanny for his ex would work OP. He has to at least throw money at this because it is his responsibility but you should press on him that it is his

Staryflight445 · 01/10/2021 16:01

Those children are the responsibility of your dh and his ex.

It’s for them to sort between them, and the answer to the issue shouldn’t be you being responsible for 2 more children that are not yours.

Original poster
PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 16:01

Re the 10 days it's in the US (we are in the UK), he's going to try and get back sooner if he can. I don't know all the ins and outs of it, a staff member who was out there on this job has fucked up and he needs to sort it. There is then testing etc.. that needs to take place afterward which is why it's not just a day job.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 16:02

@Quartz2208

I think something like an emergency nanny for his ex would work OP. He has to at least throw money at this because it is his responsibility but you should press on him that it is his
I'll suggest he looks into / discusses an emergency nanny for at hers.
OP posts:
Cocomarine · 01/10/2021 16:02

@GreatBigThunder it doesn’t make sense to add together my post about disappointment with someone else’s about absolving the ex of all responsibility. The latter is not my view. Those views are not being expressed by one person. I have said more than once that sharing the load would be practical, that flexible is ideal.

My OP has two main reasons to help her husband in my opinion, that the ex does not:

  • she is in a relationship with him, so it’s just nice to
  • enabling him to work is enabling their chosen household set up, she most likely benefits from his economic contribution more than the ex does

So who has the greater moral obligation to help him? OP does.

That doesn’t mean the ex shouldn’t help out at all. It’s certainly not taking the piss to ask her if she could. But I do think OP is unreasonable not to want to do it at all.

HogDogKetchup · 01/10/2021 16:03

Just step away OP and leave them to sort it.

UniBallEye · 01/10/2021 16:05

Poor kids Sad

It's awful reading about them like they're just an inconvenience to everyone.

I hope you all find a solution.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 01/10/2021 16:05

YANBU to say no but then it goes back to him. He has to find a solution not you and not her. Him.

LowlandLucky · 01/10/2021 16:05

They are your step children so why wouldn't you want them to stay with you, they are your children's siblings.

Cocomarine · 01/10/2021 16:08

@GreatBigThunder regarding the ex doing it to him for a holiday. OP says it was a few years ago - so doesn’t sound like a constant theme. My ex and I have both made changes with a few days (or less!) notice over the years. If the ex got a chance of a short notice holiday, asked and it was OK at the time, then it shouldn’t be dragged up now as a reason why she should have to adjust her plans when it’s not OK.

GreatBigThunder · 01/10/2021 16:09

@LowlandLucky

They are your step children so why wouldn't you want them to stay with you, they are your children's siblings.
Put it like...

They are the mothers children so why wouldn't she want them to stay with her?

Not sure why one is acceptable but not the other.