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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? No to contact continuing whilst DH is away

232 replies

PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 14:57

My husband has older DC with his exgf who are 8 & 10. They stay with us 3 nights a week.

He has been unexpectedly called away with work starting Monday for 10 days.

Ex is asking that the DC still come here on normal days. I've said no and they need to sort something between themselves. I have young DC of my own which I'll be looking after alone, unfortunately she'll have to do the same.

I'm not best pleased either at this situation, I wish DH could get out of it but unfortunately cannot. He does work away sometimes but it is always well planned in advance and not usually for long periods (just a few days here and there).

It would mean having 4 kids alone, school runs alongside nursery runs etc... Doable probably but really could do without it!

OP posts:

SeasonFinale · 01/10/2021 15:21

However, you are their step mum and surely you count yourself as a blended family. You aren't doing it as a favour to her but to your husband.

SweeneyToddler · 01/10/2021 15:21

You seem to be acting like this would be a favour to her.

It’s not, if you do this, it’ll be a favour to him.

Mayorquimby2 · 01/10/2021 15:22

Yeah she's equally unreasonable to assume you'd do it but I can see why she'd think that the father would have sorted something out for his kids.

But it's not ok for you to be landed in it by his selfishness either

Beamur · 01/10/2021 15:22

Your DH needs to offer a solution. If he's missing 6 days he needs to either offer an alternative - any grandparents around? Could you do any of the time to help out? Or he swaps and makes up additional days before and after he is away.
He can't just swan off and expect his ex to suddenly magic up childcare.

Original poster

PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 15:23

Sorry just to give a bit more context to the work trip, he owns his own business so it's not a work place that are sending him and so he can't take parental leave in the same way.

There's an issue with a contract abroad that he needs to sort, apparently very important to the integrity of the business. I'm honestly aware how much of a pain it is, I'm not happy about it either.

OP posts:

Beamur · 01/10/2021 15:23

It's not unreasonable for you to say no.

NewlyGranny · 01/10/2021 15:24

Sorry, Monkey, cardinal error - DNRTFT! I see she asked through DH and was told no. He shouldn't even need to to ask you, though.

Original poster

PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 15:25

@SweeneyToddler

You seem to be acting like this would be a favour to her.

It’s not, if you do this, it’ll be a favour to him.

No, just pointing out I have equally been left in the lurch with DC. Saying no to DH/her/whoever, the point was AIBU to say no.

OP posts:

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 01/10/2021 15:26

I'd do it for my husband and step kids but I guess we're all different.

As others have said, it's your DHs contact time so it's up to him to sort something. I find the "they're not your kids" comments a bit weird tbh. They might not be your kids but they're your family!

amylou8 · 01/10/2021 15:27

This is your partners problem. He needs to arrange childcare for his kids while he is not home to look after them. It's completely up to you if you are willing or able to help him. If you're unable to deal with all the children on your own you're by no means unreasonable to refuse.

Cocomarine · 01/10/2021 15:28

@PurpleMonkey2

And honestly my AIBU was whether I was unreasonable to say no, I'm fully aware it's DH being a PITA.

I think you possibly are unreasonable to say no to supporting your husband in this. For me, it’s one of the important parts of being in a relationship - knowing someone has my back. Sometimes that’s small stuff, sometimes it’s big stuff.

This is more complicated because it’s about children. So I think it’s a good idea for him to check with his ex first if a swap would be possible. Entirely if she’s happy to, and only if he’d willingly do the same.

If she won’t, then it goes back to what I personally see as part of a relationship - knowing you’ll help him when you can.

That’s where the devil is in the detail.

Does he drop stuff on you all the time and wouldn’t ever help you? Then it’s a no - and frankly, I’d wonder why I was married to him.

Is he a perfectly good husband who is in a real pickle on this one and you could do it, it’s just a faff? Then I’d definitely do it.

Not considering his responsibilities and just agreeing to the work trip? Fuck off.
Nature of his job and it’s a job that contributes to our household? I’d help.

Dixiechickonhols · 01/10/2021 15:31

Your DH needs to go back to work and say no I can’t do this late request - I’ve got kids, I’ve tried to see if their mum can have them on my days but she can’t.
If DH was single that’s what he’d need to do.
I’d be annoyed at him just assuming you’ll mind them.

AdaColeman · 01/10/2021 15:31

YANBU
You will already have your hands full with your own children, it's up to him and his Ex to come to an arrangement about their children.

ffsgivemestrength · 01/10/2021 15:36

YANBU to say no, but be clear it's your DH's responsibility to find child care on his contact days, not the kids mum. So he needs to ask is parents or something. I do think the natural thing would be to ask you as his wife and their step mum but if you don't want to, for whatever reason, that's up to you. If he can't sort child care then he can't go on the trip. Simple as that. It's not fair on the kids mum to be fucked about just because your DH has made other plans. She should not have to alter her routine to accommodate your husband.

moofolk · 01/10/2021 15:36

It's his responsibility to sort out. I can understand the kids' mum wanting her time, and you saying no.

Neither of you is BU.

However, he is.

He needs to either

turn down the work
arrange swaps with his ex

sort some childcare our for his children on the days when they are his responsibility.

GreatBigThunder · 01/10/2021 15:36

Honestly I never understand the MN mindset of "my kids are nothing to do with me on exes time".

It's like people would sooner their kids be left with some random pulled off the street than have to deal with them during their exes contact every now and then.

There always seems to be an expectation on a step parent to step up because "they are your family", but they are literally the exes kids and the mere suggestion that she have them is absolutely abhorrent apparently.

Frequent things like this I can understand the ex refusing, but surely separated parents know that sometimes there will be occasions where urgent things crop up and you need to parent outside of your allotted "schedule".

My kids are mine and their dad's responsibility. Even if he was being a dick, it wouldn't just magically be someone else's responsibility and I think it's entirely obvious that the very first port of call in a situation like this is the child's other parent.

Honestly I find this view point on here really weird and a very bizarre way to parent, regardless as to whether you're separated.

Same with the "you're in a relationship and so you should help out", well they had kids together and it doesn't take a genius to work out that this may mean you have to take on more every now and then as the childs other parent.

Quartz2208 · 01/10/2021 15:37

It is up to your DH to sort it isn’t contact it is his time he looks after his children

To be honest he is the problem here not her

Cocomarine · 01/10/2021 15:37

@PurpleMonkey2

Sorry just to give a bit more context to the work trip, he owns his own business so it's not a work place that are sending him and so he can't take parental leave in the same way.

There's an issue with a contract abroad that he needs to sort, apparently very important to the integrity of the business. I'm honestly aware how much of a pain it is, I'm not happy about it either.

That does sound like an unusual and reasonable reason having to be away. I would definitely support him in that, just as part of being a unit with him.

RealBecca · 01/10/2021 15:40

I voted yanbu BUT he is 100% responsible for sorting childcare during that time.

GreatBigThunder · 01/10/2021 15:40

I would definitely support him in that, just as part of being a unit with him

So OP should struggle with 4 kids by herself so that his ex, who chose to have kids with him regardless as to their relationship status now, can have her alone time 3 nights a week?

Ridiculous. They are mother and father's responsibility. If Dad can't do something then it's up to her. Same with all parents.

Agree though if he can ask parents or something to help that would be best.

GreatBigThunder · 01/10/2021 15:41

And that's not to say he isn't unreasonable for dropping this on them both at short notice. Just that it doesn't magically become Ops responsibility more than their own mother's.

Ponoka7 · 01/10/2021 15:42

Are your children, his children? Then siblings l contact also takes place, which means that just because he isn't there doesn't mean that the children don't come. If you can manage it, I would, but if would be well too much for you then no. But you say that it's doable.

MajorCarolDanvers · 01/10/2021 15:45

It's his problem to sort childcare out. Not the ex. If you won't care for them he needs to set out care wi5 a grandparent or aunt or uncle. He shouldn't just be leaving them and the ex high and dry.

He's is BU

Quartz2208 · 01/10/2021 15:45

No it is the Dads responsibility to sort out childcare on his time but I suspect he wont so it is up to two women neither of whom should be responsible and both of whom also seem to have work to do as well.

OP it isnt your responsibility but she isnt in the same position as you - this is his time and therefore she shouldnt have to step up either

In an ideal world I suspect a compromise could be reached but that would involve your husband doing it and I suspect he has just said he is going and that is it

And why does it need 10 days

Original poster

PurpleMonkey2 · 01/10/2021 15:46

It's doable if I run myself ragged trying to rush everyone around to schools, nurseries, myself to work on time etc... no idea about after school, they'd have to go to some sort of club I guess as I can't just leave work early to pick up DSC. I have an 8 month old too who's not sleeping through properly yet so am knackered as it is, am just back in work recently.

So yeah, it's doable in that it's not literally impossible but it's certainly not something I have any desire to do.

OP posts:

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