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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH wants to stop DDs activity in favour of one of his choosing. AIBU?

303 replies

ActivitiesDDLoves · 01/10/2021 09:14

DD does swimming lessons and Brownies. Brownies is in the week, swimming the weekend.

ExH has DD for court ordered contact EOW for 1 night, he picks her up from me and then on the Sunday drops her at the pool where I’m waiting.

He’s happy with swimming lessons, but wants her to stop Brownies in favour of Dance or Gymnastics.

For medical reasons DD can only do 2 activities a week, she’s 7 so I think 2 activities is perfect, still time to chill out after school 4 times a week but still time to develop a love for it.

She loves Brownies, sings the songs to her toys when not there, shows off her badges to anyone who’ll listen (she did Rainbows as well so has quite a few on a camp blanket) and is very excited for her very first sleepover in a few weeks. She’s made loads of friends there she wouldn’t have otherwise met.

I pay for everything to do with her 2 activities, from the actual lesson/subs to the equipment (uniform, swimming costume etc.).

ExH has told me he wants DD to stop Brownies and he will take me to court if I don’t. He wants me instead to take her to dance or gymnastics. I’ve said if he pays I will but he doesn’t want to pay for it, he wants me to.

It’s a tricky one because at 7 DD gets some say, but if asked she’d want to do dance and/or gymnastics but I doubt she’d give up Brownies to do it.

I’ve emailed my solicitor to see what she says but does anyone know if AIBU to say no unless he pays for it?

His reasons are his sister was a talented gymnast and dancer. None of his family did scouting or guiding (neither did I until Guides) so it’s a bit unknown to him.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 01/10/2021 09:16

Lol say ‘ok. Take me to court over Brownies’. Then stop fretting about it

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 01/10/2021 09:17

YANBU, especially as he won't pay. Scouts/guides are usually relatively cheap, whereas as dancing and gymnastics can get very expensive...

If he wants these activities he will have to pay and take her.

Hoppinggreen · 01/10/2021 09:18

I think the judge would be none too impressed with that, tell him to crack on

Chucklecheeks01 · 01/10/2021 09:18

Second the response of "ok dear, see you in court over Brownies".

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 01/10/2021 09:20

Third that response. She likes Brownies. It is a good, well respected social and skills activity. So she has one social activity and one physical. That’s a good balance.

Ignore him.

starrynight87 · 01/10/2021 09:20

That's a real shame, seems like he is trying to get his own way rather than think about what your daughter would like.

I used to help at Brownies and it's brilliant.

MichelleScarn · 01/10/2021 09:21

3rding the 'see you in court'! I'd like to think this is the daftest batshittery the courts will have come across but sadly I doubt it!

DifficultBloodyWoman · 01/10/2021 09:21

LMAO!

Do as as Rachie says.

Keep her in Brownies. Let him enroll her (and pay for her) to do other activities if he wants. This won’t be an issue until he does that, and it really doesn’t seem likely.

He would be laughed out of court!

MintJulia · 01/10/2021 09:21

He isn't paying for the activity but thinks he can dictate. The judge would laugh him out of court. What a prat.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/10/2021 09:22

Ignore him. Continue with Brownies. He will not take you to court.

Newcastleteacake · 01/10/2021 09:22

@Rachie1973

Lol say ‘ok. Take me to court over Brownies’. Then stop fretting about it
Yep, agree. He can't do diddly squat about it.

If DD wanted to do either of those things she would have expressed interest by now.

Don't even give it another moment of your time to think about it.

BelleOfTheProvince · 01/10/2021 09:22

I'd understand if it was over safeguarding concerns. (Guides are committed in theory to a male and female child sharing a tent and keeping this information from the parents)

But no, he's definitely beging unreasonable. If your daughter enjoys brownies she can do that.
If he'd like her to do gymnastics he asks her and if she says yes pays for it.
Simples.

silverbubbles · 01/10/2021 09:22

What an absolute knob. Thank god you are no longer married to him.

Of course YNBU - your daughter should do the clubs she enjoys.

TheKeatingFive · 01/10/2021 09:24

Court over brownies 😂

The judge would die laughing.

Tell him to do one.

Crayfishforyou · 01/10/2021 09:24

Tell him to fuck off whether he pays or not. She likes brownies, that should be enough. It would be mean to stop her doing something she likes.
Can you not wait until she doesn’t need/want swimming lessons anymore and then sign her up to something else?
She could potentially be the greatest dancer/gymnast in the world genetically, but if she isn’t that bothered about it, it won’t happen. So bollocks to his family.

SophieKat1982 · 01/10/2021 09:26

I would ask her the whole question. Do you want to quit Brownies for dance/gymnastics? It should be her choice.

HumourReplacementTherapy · 01/10/2021 09:28

Don't engage with shit like this or you'll have a life of misery ahead of you! Tell him no, he's welcome to take you to court, then that's it.
No further discussion.
Keep a record of his ridiculous requests
I'm sure it's going to be the first of many.

NoSquirrels · 01/10/2021 09:29

Do what others suggest- say “If you feel strongly enough about it then do consult your solicitor about going to court over Brownies” and then waste no more headspace on it.

titchy · 01/10/2021 09:31

I’ve said if he pays I will but he doesn’t want to pay for it, he wants me to.

Why did you say that? Confused That implies you'd be willing to drop Brownies. Just tell him no. She's doing a good mix of age and interest appropriate activities and doesn't want to swap.

MiddlesexGirl · 01/10/2021 09:33

He could take her in this time at the weekend .... and pay for it. If she really likes it you could take her on your weekend too on condition that he pays for it.

621CustardCream438 · 01/10/2021 09:33

“I'd understand if it was over safeguarding concerns. (Guides are committed in theory to a male and female child sharing a tent and keeping this information from the parents)”

But you don’t see any possible safeguarding/toxicity issues in dance or gymnastics? The absolute last thing I’d want for my daughter is a combination of a pushy father and a talent in either of those activities.

Op he gets no say about what she does with you. If he wants her to do something he pays, he buys the stuff, he finds an appropriate class (and keeps a close eye on what goes on in it) and he does the travelling and taking her. And all the faffing with hair and makeup and dance costumes and show rehearsals…. Bet he won’t and no court is going to be interested.

lastqueenofscotland · 01/10/2021 09:34

Let him try and find anyone in all of England who would represent him in court over an activity he refuses to even pay for.
Empty threats. Crack on as you are.

BananaPB · 01/10/2021 09:37

Let him take you to court. It's ridiculous for him to try and force you to pay for an activity that he chose Hmm

Chucklecheeks01 · 01/10/2021 09:37

You're giving him more control that you need too, I've learnt the hard way that 'No' is a complete sentence and nothing more is needed.

Say no once then refuse to engage on the subject again. It needs no further discussion.

If you continue to engage he knows he can do this every time and it will never stop.

Lockdownbear · 01/10/2021 09:38

My answer would be once she can swim competently she can choose to give up swimming and try dance or gymnastics if she wishes to.

Brownies gives so many other opportunities and experiences that it shouldn't be competing against sports if that makes sense.

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