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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH wants to stop DDs activity in favour of one of his choosing. AIBU?

303 replies

ActivitiesDDLoves · 01/10/2021 09:14

DD does swimming lessons and Brownies. Brownies is in the week, swimming the weekend.

ExH has DD for court ordered contact EOW for 1 night, he picks her up from me and then on the Sunday drops her at the pool where I’m waiting.

He’s happy with swimming lessons, but wants her to stop Brownies in favour of Dance or Gymnastics.

For medical reasons DD can only do 2 activities a week, she’s 7 so I think 2 activities is perfect, still time to chill out after school 4 times a week but still time to develop a love for it.

She loves Brownies, sings the songs to her toys when not there, shows off her badges to anyone who’ll listen (she did Rainbows as well so has quite a few on a camp blanket) and is very excited for her very first sleepover in a few weeks. She’s made loads of friends there she wouldn’t have otherwise met.

I pay for everything to do with her 2 activities, from the actual lesson/subs to the equipment (uniform, swimming costume etc.).

ExH has told me he wants DD to stop Brownies and he will take me to court if I don’t. He wants me instead to take her to dance or gymnastics. I’ve said if he pays I will but he doesn’t want to pay for it, he wants me to.

It’s a tricky one because at 7 DD gets some say, but if asked she’d want to do dance and/or gymnastics but I doubt she’d give up Brownies to do it.

I’ve emailed my solicitor to see what she says but does anyone know if AIBU to say no unless he pays for it?

His reasons are his sister was a talented gymnast and dancer. None of his family did scouting or guiding (neither did I until Guides) so it’s a bit unknown to him.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
SprayedWithDettol · 01/10/2021 10:04

He sounds like a vexatious litigant in the making.
The court won’t take kindly to this behaviour.

JuneOsborne · 01/10/2021 10:06

Er, if he was that desperate, he could take her to dance or gymnastics on a Saturday afternoon without you ever knowing.

So the fact he doesn't want to do that tells me it's everything about exerting control and nothing to do with what activity she actually does.

As for the I demand she does this and I demand you pay for it, he's also not very clever, is he? Why would you do that?

And finally, yep, ok, so you're willing to pay for the court costs for this, but not the £6 a week it would cost to pay for these lessons? He's now, a controlling, dim, knob head.

See you in court dimwit!

ScotsMumOf4 · 01/10/2021 10:06

He can't take you to court over this. Tell him no and do not engage with this type of conversation again.
He doesn't get to come in acting like he makes the rules or superdad when he only sees her once every 2 weeks. You have to put a stop to him every time he trys to act like this. It's absolutely unacceptable and he cannot be allowed to control you or your dc like this

Harlequin1088 · 01/10/2021 10:09

Just echoing the reply from @edwinbear here. Bizarrely, at 7 years old, your daughter is likely too old to start gymnastics/dance. I used to work in a venue that hosted these sorts of competitions and the kids involved started the sport the minute they could walk. At 7, your daughter is positively geriatric - particularly if she was planning on going down the competitive route. If it's just recreational dance/gymnastics, I think she'd be fine to do it for the pure enjoyment of it but from what you've said about the way your ex-husband is talking about it, I suspect he'd want her to be doing it competitively. The way you've described, I suspect your ex thinks your daughter is some kind of future Olympian based on the fact his sister could flip about on a balance beam a bit.

Plus, what I have seen of dance/gymnastics families, having a child in the sport is all-consuming. It takes a massive toll on normal family life because everything and everyone has their schedule planned around practice sessions, competition dates, travel, etc. It doesn't sound like your ex-husband is planning to do all that so it's not fair to expect you to do it, particularly when, as you say, your daughter is perfectly happy going to Brownies!

Tell the silly sod if he wants to embarrass himself in front of a judge of something as trivial as bloody Brownies then he can go right ahead.

RhiWrites · 01/10/2021 10:10

I explained that she can only do 2 things and swimming has to be one of them she never asked again so I assume she doesn't want to give up Brownies.

Why does swimming have to be one of them? Can’t she keep Brownies and do dance or gymnastics at the weekend?

Zilla1 · 01/10/2021 10:10

If you can afford the headspace, call his bluff by sitting on your hands. If he won't pay for an actvity then it's unlikely he'd go to court. If he did then he'll be setting in place a record trail of unreasonable behaviour that might be helpful in the future to inform the court about the background to his next instruction. In effect. he'll be saying 'I want to make my ex take my DC to another activity rather than one my DC enjoys and for my ex to pay for it because of some random reason that shows I'm trying to control my ex and use my DD as a weapon against my DD's wishes and happiness....'

Just have some evidence that she loves Brownies to avoid him videoing asking leading questions of your DC..'Aunt X was a successful gymnast. Wouldn't you like to try it?' to which most children might say 'yes'.

Good luck.

Blackkoala · 01/10/2021 10:12

It should be entirely your daughter’s choice, not yours or your ex’s. Ask your daughter which she would prefer and then inform your ex of her choice. If he threatens to take you to court, ignore him. It’s most likely a bluff, and even if he was serious he wouldn’t get anywhere. No court will make an order that a child has to give up an activity she wants to do in favour of one her father prefers.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 01/10/2021 10:13

Tell him to take you to court
You aren't stopping him doing anything. He will be laughed out of court.

ElsieMc · 01/10/2021 10:14

Tell him he knows your address for service. Why would any caring dad want to stop an activity that benefits his child and which she really enjoys? This is about control not caring. Can you imagine what a Judge would say about the use of court time to cancel brownies. As someone who has been through the family court system, I hope he gets one of the bad tempered Judges we did! You didn't need your solicitors' advice here, because it will be chargeable. It is a commonsense one.

If he wants your dd to do gymnastics, and given you have said she will struggle with more than two activities, it could be a health/welfare issue surely. Gymnastics will lead to travelling all over for competitions etc and it is very competitive. There are significant cost implications.

When I read this sort of thing, I just despair. My gs who lives with us was forced to do activities he grew to resent at weekend contact. This was because it was about what his dad/grandad enjoyed, not about being flexible as my gs grew older. The result was a breakdown in relationships. He is now 18 and has refused to have anything else to do with them. He might want to think on this.

Blackkoala · 01/10/2021 10:15

@Harlequin1088

Just echoing the reply from *@edwinbear* here. Bizarrely, at 7 years old, your daughter is likely too old to start gymnastics/dance. I used to work in a venue that hosted these sorts of competitions and the kids involved started the sport the minute they could walk. At 7, your daughter is positively geriatric - particularly if she was planning on going down the competitive route. If it's just recreational dance/gymnastics, I think she'd be fine to do it for the pure enjoyment of it but from what you've said about the way your ex-husband is talking about it, I suspect he'd want her to be doing it competitively. The way you've described, I suspect your ex thinks your daughter is some kind of future Olympian based on the fact his sister could flip about on a balance beam a bit.

Plus, what I have seen of dance/gymnastics families, having a child in the sport is all-consuming. It takes a massive toll on normal family life because everything and everyone has their schedule planned around practice sessions, competition dates, travel, etc. It doesn't sound like your ex-husband is planning to do all that so it's not fair to expect you to do it, particularly when, as you say, your daughter is perfectly happy going to Brownies!

Tell the silly sod if he wants to embarrass himself in front of a judge of something as trivial as bloody Brownies then he can go right ahead.

This sounds like bollocks. Simone Biles didn’t try gymnastics til she was 6, and didn’t start training til she was 8. This just sounds like the kind of weird gatekeeping people who are into dance and gymnastics enjoy participating in.
Buttons294749 · 01/10/2021 10:16

She s not too old to start dance! (And I danced for years AND was a profesh dancer for years)

Fwiw I would let her drop swimming, I know its a skill but you can take her non weekly and she did say she would like dance/gym.

EX is a twat obvs

purpleme12 · 01/10/2021 10:17

Who cares if she won't be 'amazing' at gymnastics cos she's started later than some others. Surely the point is to enjoy it?!
Such a strange post above

Original poster
ActivitiesDDLoves · 01/10/2021 10:18

@RhiWrites

I explained that she can only do 2 things and swimming has to be one of them she never asked again so I assume she doesn't want to give up Brownies.

Why does swimming have to be one of them? Can’t she keep Brownies and do dance or gymnastics at the weekend?

Because I want her to be able to swim confidently, I consider a life skill and cafcass said the same thing when we went to court over contact/residency a few years ago, so I want to keep it until she can swim at least 25m without armbands/disks.
OP posts:
xprincessxjanetx · 01/10/2021 10:21

YANBU, your DD is old enough to make her own decision. She needs to tell him that she wants to continue with the activities she is doing and he will have to lump it.

Harlequin1088 · 01/10/2021 10:22

@Blackkoala You're right, I've often thought it was odd but from my experience of working at that venue, I found dance/gymnastics parents to be very cliquey indeed. I saw first hand how "older" kids/families were treated when they were the newbie at a competition having only taken up the sport recently - it was very much a case of "They're not one of us" and "They haven't served their time". Bollocks really as we should just all encourage kids to do the things they enjoy. Although Simone Biles has often talked about the toxic culture of the sport and how it impacted her mental well-being and I guess that's not surprising just from the own small glimpse I myself had into thar world.

Cally23 · 01/10/2021 10:22

Dear God these ExHs. I had to stop one of my children's activities once we divorced as it landed on a weekend, and he'd have to take them every other one. Despite it not bring an issue for the 2 years prior to divorce, now it was a big deal, essentially I'd have to pay for an activity they only attended 50%.

Your daughter clearly loves brownies, tell the ex to take you to court, you can self represent with a single sheet of A4 with BELLEND written on it.

Original poster
ActivitiesDDLoves · 01/10/2021 10:23

@Buttons294749

She s not too old to start dance! (And I danced for years AND was a profesh dancer for years)

Fwiw I would let her drop swimming, I know its a skill but you can take her non weekly and she did say she would like dance/gym.

EX is a twat obvs

I don't feel able to teach her to swim, considering she's still Stage 1 and she started swimming lessons at 4 that should show that even a qualified teacher is struggling (admittedly she is progressing failry quickly now and should be stage 2 in the next few weeks).

Plus there isn't a public swim in the week so it'd only be once a fortnight as her dads unlikely to take her.

She likes swimming lessons as well.

OP posts:
AliceMcK · 01/10/2021 10:23

Agree with others tell him to take you to court. Brownies is great for this age and a dam site cheaper than dance & gymnastics.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/10/2021 10:24

Just tell him no thanks. There's not a chance in hell he would embarrass himself by taking you to court over Brownies.

twilightermummy · 01/10/2021 10:24

This is clearly absolutely ridiculous. You need to ask yourself why you’re even giving him the control over your thoughts/feelings.
If he can afford court, he can afford a 3rd activity. I also agree with the above poster to say “see you in court over Brownies”. Then never think of it again. He sounds like an utter pig quite frankly.

Etonmessisyum · 01/10/2021 10:26

Of course she’s not too old for dance or gymnastics, not everyone does it to fanatical levels some kids join to have fun. I danced for years, did loads of different kinds. I was crap. But it was fun, the ‘better’ dancers were in the class after me and did competitions etc my aunt was a dance teacher so I’d sometimes go and watch. Made me happy I wasn’t doing them tbh. But you have to want to go, she needs to want to and he would need to pay. Cheeky git, not really putting his child first is he.

2catsandhappy · 01/10/2021 10:32

I would play a little clever here. Send a specific text stating you would be happy for dd to go to dance '..if he pays the expenses and organises the travel'
Then you have proof you are not stopping dd from going. I have no doubt in years to come he will trot out some 'dd would have been brilliant at dance but you stopped her going'
Basically, call his bluff but get proof!

timeisnotaline · 01/10/2021 10:32

Many parents, like the op, regard swimming as a critical life skill. It’s recognised as such, this is why it’s on the school curriculum although I suspect very few schools provide enough swimming tuition that children learn to swim. My children can drop swimming when they are competent swimmers.

Also responding to other pps, since when do parents let 7yos have all the say in their activities? Dance /gym times might not be convenient , i expect they cost more.

Eileen101 · 01/10/2021 10:33

As a long time brownie leader, your daughter will get far more opportunities out of guiding than she will dance/gymnastics Confused

Her aunt's prowess at dance/gymnastics had nothing to do with your daughter. She is her own person with her own interests and talents.

Like pps have said, for competitive dance/gymnastics, she's a little late to the game at 7, which sounds daft, but (with a dance background) it's true.

With my solicitor hat on, I'd welcome his correspondence trying to force his daughter to give up a hobby she enjoys for one of his own choosing Grin I'd love to sit and read that letter with a cup of tea Grin

He's trying to exert control over you and her.

MarshmallowSwede · 01/10/2021 10:41

Why would he do this? Your daughter loves Brownies so she should stick with it.

Sounds like a low level way of him trying to just get back at you for some reason.

Anyway.. just ignore him and keep doing what you’re doing. I would love to hear the reaction in court when you ex says why you are there. He needs to get a life and let his daughter do an activity she enjoy.