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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH wants to stop DDs activity in favour of one of his choosing. AIBU?

303 replies

ActivitiesDDLoves · 01/10/2021 09:14

DD does swimming lessons and Brownies. Brownies is in the week, swimming the weekend.

ExH has DD for court ordered contact EOW for 1 night, he picks her up from me and then on the Sunday drops her at the pool where I’m waiting.

He’s happy with swimming lessons, but wants her to stop Brownies in favour of Dance or Gymnastics.

For medical reasons DD can only do 2 activities a week, she’s 7 so I think 2 activities is perfect, still time to chill out after school 4 times a week but still time to develop a love for it.

She loves Brownies, sings the songs to her toys when not there, shows off her badges to anyone who’ll listen (she did Rainbows as well so has quite a few on a camp blanket) and is very excited for her very first sleepover in a few weeks. She’s made loads of friends there she wouldn’t have otherwise met.

I pay for everything to do with her 2 activities, from the actual lesson/subs to the equipment (uniform, swimming costume etc.).

ExH has told me he wants DD to stop Brownies and he will take me to court if I don’t. He wants me instead to take her to dance or gymnastics. I’ve said if he pays I will but he doesn’t want to pay for it, he wants me to.

It’s a tricky one because at 7 DD gets some say, but if asked she’d want to do dance and/or gymnastics but I doubt she’d give up Brownies to do it.

I’ve emailed my solicitor to see what she says but does anyone know if AIBU to say no unless he pays for it?

His reasons are his sister was a talented gymnast and dancer. None of his family did scouting or guiding (neither did I until Guides) so it’s a bit unknown to him.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
edwinbear · 01/10/2021 10:41

@Blackkoala I think it's quite obvious that Simone Biles is an exception, rather than the norm. I'm not saying it's right at all, but 90% of children on the competitive circuit started well before 7. By 7, for competition, they need to be able to split, easily, on both legs for example. That flexibility is harder to come by when you start at an older age.

Of course OP's DD isn't too old to take up recreational gymnastics, but it doesn't sound like that would be good enough for OP's ex.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/10/2021 10:42

Idiot. But a controlling idiot. Both dancing and gymnastics are considerably more expensive in terms of both money and time than brownies. And he wants you to pay for it and do all the running round. It’s just a way to control you

And I disagree with a PP who said it should be your DDs choice. It’s the parent who pays for it and facilitates it who decides, whilst taking their child’s preferences into account.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 01/10/2021 10:43

I did both club swimming and competitive gymnastics as a child.

Swimming is so much more important as a skill. Being able to swim well has saved my life on at least one occasion.

Being able to do a flic on a 4 inch wide surface - great for showing off but not so practical. And - in fact. - occasionally downright dangerous. (Think student years, alcohol and nice high walls…)

Aposterhasnoname · 01/10/2021 10:44

Please tell him to crack on, then post the solicitors letter here for our entertainment.

Some men are such twats.

RudestLittleMadam · 01/10/2021 10:45

@Rachie1973

Lol say ‘ok. Take me to court over Brownies’. Then stop fretting about it
This. What a fucking prick. Long may your daughter enjoy Brownies. What kind of parent would withdraw their child from an activity that they enjoy so much?
idontlikealdi · 01/10/2021 10:48

Grin not at you op but at him, what a prick. Let him take you to court over brownies and see where he gets to!

ApolloandDaphne · 01/10/2021 10:48

I agree with PP. Tell him to take you to court then sit back and watch this NOT happen.

Drinkingallthewine · 01/10/2021 10:49

You know what, let him take you to court for it. Even just to see the judge's incredulous face when he asks that you enrol her, pay for her and presumably taxi her everywhere for training. It'll be hilarious. And it might soften his cough when he gets laughed out of court for the next time he tries to be a twat to you. And, like others say, it's a handy indicator of future twattyness from him for the courts.

If he even spoke to his sister he'd be told that he should have enrolled her as a toddler if he wanted a competitive gymnast.

TravellingWanabee · 01/10/2021 10:49

Just out of interest OP, why can your DD only do 2 activities a week? Only because you said you'd be happy for her to do dance/gymnastics if he paid, so would she be doing 3 if he agreed to pay?

Either way, it should be up to your DD to an extent. If she's happy with Brownies, let her keep Brownies. And I agree with you swimming is a life skill - it's the only one I didn't let mine give up until they were safe in the water.

RedMarauder · 01/10/2021 10:50

Ignore him.

As a PP said do not feed into his BS by wasting yours and your solicitors time plus your money replying to his stupid demands.

He can't force you to take your child to activities he wants in the time she is with you (and vice versa).

If he wants her to do dance or gymnastics he needs to start taking her in his time.

Then and only then if she becomes good at it and most importantly enjoys it do you agree to take her to classes and competitions in your time.

chaosmaker · 01/10/2021 10:51

@Rachie1973

Lol say ‘ok. Take me to court over Brownies’. Then stop fretting about it
^this He's ridiculous
Original poster
ActivitiesDDLoves · 01/10/2021 10:53

@TravellingWanabee

Just out of interest OP, why can your DD only do 2 activities a week? Only because you said you'd be happy for her to do dance/gymnastics if he paid, so would she be doing 3 if he agreed to pay?

Either way, it should be up to your DD to an extent. If she's happy with Brownies, let her keep Brownies. And I agree with you swimming is a life skill - it's the only one I didn't let mine give up until they were safe in the water.

Without going into too much detail she has a medical condition that means she's gets very tired very quickly and with school as well she's often utterly exhausted by Thursday and Friday so her consultant has said to keep it to 2 in 7 days preferably with one on a weekend.
OP posts:
user213654 · 01/10/2021 10:54

Her aunt's prowess at dance/gymnastics had nothing to do with your daughter

His attitude is only one removed from the parenting fail of 'I played rugby so DS must play rugby too' despite DS much preferring football/swimming/running etc.

People project their ambitions onto their DC and that is a parental failing.

Or they want their DC to achieve in a sport/school subject that they feel they should have been successful in but were not. Also a parental failing.

Your DD must decide her own hobbies, sports, activities.

For what it's worth, swimming is a life skill as well as great exercise and often a social event in some youngers lives, and you are right to keep your DD in swimming until she is competent in one stroke over a reasonable distance, otherwise not only will she face a higher risk of drowning, but also trips with friends and family to the pool or beach will be less enjoyable, maybe stressful.

Another point about dance and gymnastics, if her DF wants her to be successful in these areas, one session a week won't be enough for long. Older children doing these activities at competitive level will be training several times a week, teenagers will be training many times a week. So not a great option for a child only allowed 2 activities a week for medical rasons.

Bambam2019 · 01/10/2021 10:56

Sounds like he’s just a tosser who wants to have some sort of control over your life.
Keep going as you are!

FreedomFaith · 01/10/2021 10:57

How are you not still just laughing about this? Did he tell you to your face? He wouldn't have liked my reaction, I'd have been bent double laughing.

Please don't take it seriously. He isn't going to go to court over brownies and if ge does, it gives you a nice day out to watch him be yelled at by a judge. I'd want take a camera to record it for future reminiscing over his level of stupidity.

Cattitudes · 01/10/2021 10:57

I know you said she can only do two activities a week, but is this something a doctor has said to you both? Competitive gymnastics/dance will be more than once a week anyway.

I would call his bluff and text him saying that if he wishes to pay for and organise an activity on 'his' evening then go ahead with your blessing. Then sit back and watch him do nothing.

Original poster
ActivitiesDDLoves · 01/10/2021 10:59

@Cattitudes

I know you said she can only do two activities a week, but is this something a doctor has said to you both? Competitive gymnastics/dance will be more than once a week anyway.

I would call his bluff and text him saying that if he wishes to pay for and organise an activity on 'his' evening then go ahead with your blessing. Then sit back and watch him do nothing.

He doesn't have weekday contact at all, he was offered it in court but didn't take it. He literally has her for his 26 nights a year and that's it.
OP posts:
edwinbear · 01/10/2021 10:59

OP if she gets tired easily, gymnastics really won't be for her, despite her DF's protestations to the contrary. It's a gruelling sport at a young age, it puts a huge toll on children's bodies.

fumfspos · 01/10/2021 11:01

Good job he's an ex. What a prick.
See you in court about the Brownies knob.

If she really wanted to do dance and gymnastics she would have kept going on about it, rather than just mentioning it a couple of times and then not mentioning it again when she was told she couldn't do it in addition to Brownies and swimming.
I agree the swimming is important - once you feel she can swim well enough then you could look at it again - but she'd still need to go to the pool regularly to keep up the skill.
If she loves Brownies she should keep going there - they learn lots of skills through it.

Ex DH can fuck off. He doesn't want to pay for gymnastics or dance and he's not going to be the one who will have to take her there and nor is he the one who will have to deal with her if she becomes over-tired through doing this and it exacerbates her condition. He only sees her for one night EOW so the impact on him would be minimal.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/10/2021 11:01

Keep her in Brownies. Laugh at the suggestion of going to court over Brownies.

Poor kid! Her Dad wanting to take her away from a hobby she loves.

Eddielzzard · 01/10/2021 11:02

I can see why he's an ex.

Well sounds to me like dancing / gymnastics might be too much for her and brownies is a better fit. I'd tell him to go to court. Does he really think that's a good use of their time. What a tool.

TwinsandTrifle · 01/10/2021 11:03

I may have misread this, but he has her EOW 1 night and you meet him for drop off at the pool on Sunday, so therefore he must have her Saturday as his night.

Brownies is in the week. Why are you even engaging with him overruling what you pay for DD to do in your contact time? Is is that he's wanting to do the dance/gym on Saturdays when he has her, and you've said no she only does two things a week, so he's said, well then can you substitute one of these please because I'd like to have an input in her hobbies and this way you are choosing both? That's the only way I could see him having an almost point.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 01/10/2021 11:04

@RhiWrites

I explained that she can only do 2 things and swimming has to be one of them she never asked again so I assume she doesn't want to give up Brownies.

Why does swimming have to be one of them? Can’t she keep Brownies and do dance or gymnastics at the weekend?

For safety presumably?
BillMasheen · 01/10/2021 11:05

If she has problems with her energy levels, she’s going to be utterly wiped out by gymnastics. Compared to what she’d do at brownies, where there’s a mix of sedate and energetic stuff and she will be able to sit things out more easily if she’s tired.

Sounds like he hasn’t a fucking clue

AryaStarkWolf · 01/10/2021 11:08

He doesn't have weekday contact at all, he was offered it in court but didn't take it. He literally has her for his 26 nights a year and that's it.

If he's not interested in her enough to see her more than the little he does, he certainly doesn't get a say in what activities she does during that time he wants no actual physical involvement in