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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH wants to stop DDs activity in favour of one of his choosing. AIBU?

303 replies

ActivitiesDDLoves · 01/10/2021 09:14

DD does swimming lessons and Brownies. Brownies is in the week, swimming the weekend.

ExH has DD for court ordered contact EOW for 1 night, he picks her up from me and then on the Sunday drops her at the pool where I’m waiting.

He’s happy with swimming lessons, but wants her to stop Brownies in favour of Dance or Gymnastics.

For medical reasons DD can only do 2 activities a week, she’s 7 so I think 2 activities is perfect, still time to chill out after school 4 times a week but still time to develop a love for it.

She loves Brownies, sings the songs to her toys when not there, shows off her badges to anyone who’ll listen (she did Rainbows as well so has quite a few on a camp blanket) and is very excited for her very first sleepover in a few weeks. She’s made loads of friends there she wouldn’t have otherwise met.

I pay for everything to do with her 2 activities, from the actual lesson/subs to the equipment (uniform, swimming costume etc.).

ExH has told me he wants DD to stop Brownies and he will take me to court if I don’t. He wants me instead to take her to dance or gymnastics. I’ve said if he pays I will but he doesn’t want to pay for it, he wants me to.

It’s a tricky one because at 7 DD gets some say, but if asked she’d want to do dance and/or gymnastics but I doubt she’d give up Brownies to do it.

I’ve emailed my solicitor to see what she says but does anyone know if AIBU to say no unless he pays for it?

His reasons are his sister was a talented gymnast and dancer. None of his family did scouting or guiding (neither did I until Guides) so it’s a bit unknown to him.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
Embracelife · 02/10/2021 22:27

Let him organise it on his time
And pay
Or let him go to court.

AuroraSophia · 02/10/2021 23:06

Deffo ‘lol take me to court over brownies’ haha.
Also why on earth would he want to take her out of a club that she enjoys. As pp have said if he wants her to do these things that bad he can pay and take her to the extra but then your poor DD could be doing too much! I think two activities are perfect and she obviously enjoys the one she currently does. My 7 year old daughter chose her two clubs that she goes to and I would only change them if SHE wanted to. Not because I want her too!

Newbabynewhouse · 02/10/2021 23:18

@RiWrites

I'm assuming OP wants her DD to do swimming to learn how to swim for safety reasons...

Nat6999 · 02/10/2021 23:28

Let him spend all his money taking you to court, he won't have the money to pay for gymnastics & dance after he has paid his solicitor's bill & court fees.

Winecrispschocolatecats · 02/10/2021 23:33

@Chucklecheeks01

You're giving him more control that you need too, I've learnt the hard way that 'No' is a complete sentence and nothing more is needed.

Say no once then refuse to engage on the subject again. It needs no further discussion.

If you continue to engage he knows he can do this every time and it will never stop.

This. 100 times this.
FWBNC · 02/10/2021 23:36

Tell him that your Dd Is her own person & not here to follow in his family's footsteps! Idiot.

Tell him to take you to court if that's what he wants to do, but you will not be taking DD out if Brownies, an activity SHE loves.

Dimwit won't get anywhere with his nonsense!

Mamanyt · 03/10/2021 00:04

And should he take you to court, since you mention that she only does two activities due to medical concerns, I would make sure that it is mentioned that you are concerned that a second, highly physical, activity would be detrimental, whereas Brownies gives her lots of socialization combined with fun activities that do not strain her.

Mollymoostoo · 03/10/2021 00:08

@Rachie1973

Lol say ‘ok. Take me to court over Brownies’. Then stop fretting about it
Exactly. This wouldn't even get to court as you have to have mediation first, he would have to pay half of the costs and it cost my DH £150 per hour.
Lozzie86 · 03/10/2021 08:30

Wow, if he actually did take you to court and cite that reasoning, he would be laughed out of family court and hopefully find himself in criminal court for coercive control. Just keep doing whatever makes your daughter happy.

frazzledasarock · 03/10/2021 10:30

Actually reminds me. Ex tried to argue in court I should stop sending my DC to private school because I could use the money to pay off joint family debt (which he’d incurred solely during the marriage).

Judge was actually lost for words and said ‘you don’t really ca.. aren’t considering your children are you?’
Pretty sure he wanted to say you clearly don’t care about your children do you you utter piece of shit.

Ex didn’t get awarded that either. He felt he had a say as he paid CM (had an attachment of earnings order). 🙄

Lockdownbear · 03/10/2021 10:37

@Ozanj

Your consultant wouldn’t consider brownies an activity. My DN has a blood disorder gets tired really quickly and sibling was told to restrict activity to 1 out of 7 days but were clear to mention they don’t include ‘classroom’ scouts / brownies /hobby type activities.
I wouldn't really say Scouts / Guides were classroom activities, lots of physical games get played in both. Plus the actual act of getting there and back.

The child is already tired at the end of the week why on earth put something else into the mix?

lottiegarbanzo · 03/10/2021 10:48

The dance / gymnastics thing is because he has an idealised, two-dimensional view of what little girls are and should be like. He's trying to turn his dd into a stereotype, a perfect little doll.

He'll be the same about women, seeing them as objects and as means to his ends, which will have a lot to do with his past behaviour towards OP and why he is an ex (and a bad one).

Lockdownbear · 03/10/2021 13:54

@lottiegarbanzo that's certainly a different take on it. And more kind than the idea he's trying to control the Op.

Whatever his motivation it certainly doesn't have the wee girls best interests at heart.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/10/2021 14:10

Well, seeing people as objects and as a means to an end, is part and parcel of trying to control them to serve ones own purposes. It isn't a separate interpretation, just an insight into something that might be part of his thinking.

helpIhateclothesshopping · 03/10/2021 14:46

Girls and boys don't share tents in Brownies as it's a girls only activity, they may in Beavers which can be mixed but only for under 8s and to avoid having to have situations where 1 girl may be in a tent on her own at that age.
Brownies is a good wholesome activity which focuses on empowering girls to try lots of new activities, develop body confidence, a sense of responsibility and leadership skills. I can't see any court objecting to that. If she has health issues, I can't imagine gymnastics would be better for her health, higher risk of injuries etc. Unlike Swimming, which is generally regarded as a safe, healthy sport for pretty much everyone.

Starlightstarbright1 · 03/10/2021 15:02

@helpIhateclothesshopping

Girls and boys don't share tents in Brownies as it's a girls only activity, they may in Beavers which can be mixed but only for under 8s and to avoid having to have situations where 1 girl may be in a tent on her own at that age. Brownies is a good wholesome activity which focuses on empowering girls to try lots of new activities, develop body confidence, a sense of responsibility and leadership skills. I can't see any court objecting to that. If she has health issues, I can't imagine gymnastics would be better for her health, higher risk of injuries etc. Unlike Swimming, which is generally regarded as a safe, healthy sport for pretty much everyone.
There is a huge transgender issue withing girl guiding.
Covidworries · 03/10/2021 15:08
  1. Dance and gymnastics usually hace waiting list. He could add her to list and when she gets offered a place weigh up at time.
  2. What health condition does she have. Would physical sport be beneficial or detrimental.
  3. Would child want to do dance/gymnastics ?
  4. He needs to finance the club really.
DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 03/10/2021 15:39

Girls and boys don't share tents in Brownies as it's a girls only activity, they may in Beavers which can be mixed but only for under 8s and to avoid having to have situations where 1 girl may be in a tent on her own at that age.
Brownies is a good wholesome activity which focuses on empowering girls to try lots of new activities, develop body confidence, a sense of responsibility and leadership skills. I can't see any court objecting to that. If she has health issues, I can't imagine gymnastics would be better for her health, higher risk of injuries etc. Unlike Swimming, which is generally regarded as a safe, healthy sport for pretty much everyone.

Not anymore. Girls can indeed be sharing tents with a male bodied child or have male-bodied leaders and you wouldn't know.

Ginger1982 · 03/10/2021 16:01

As a former family solicitor, I would have laughed anyone out of my office who had come in wanting to go back to court over changing Brownies to gymnastics. Don't engage.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 03/10/2021 18:41

@helpIhateclothesshopping

Girls and boys don't share tents in Brownies as it's a girls only activity, they may in Beavers which can be mixed but only for under 8s and to avoid having to have situations where 1 girl may be in a tent on her own at that age. Brownies is a good wholesome activity which focuses on empowering girls to try lots of new activities, develop body confidence, a sense of responsibility and leadership skills. I can't see any court objecting to that. If she has health issues, I can't imagine gymnastics would be better for her health, higher risk of injuries etc. Unlike Swimming, which is generally regarded as a safe, healthy sport for pretty much everyone.
It’s not girls only anymore. Guiding is unable to understand that there’s a difference between ‘sex’ and ‘gender’ and have thrown safeguarding out of the window in that regard. If a man says he’s a women, then they view him as a woman - for all things.
Bard6817 · 03/10/2021 21:01

See you in court seems best. m
what an idiot.

Duchess379 · 03/10/2021 21:10

Your DH is an absolute twat & is still trying to control you two. A judge wouldn't give him the time of day tbh. Ask your daughter what she wants. Tell her she has a choice between Brownies & Gymnastics & see what she says. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lockdownbear · 03/10/2021 21:20

@Covidworries

1. Dance and gymnastics usually hace waiting list. He could add her to list and when she gets offered a place weigh up at time.
  1. What health condition does she have. Would physical sport be beneficial or detrimental.
  2. Would child want to do dance/gymnastics ?
  3. He needs to finance the club really.
  • What's the point in adding to a waiting list if Op doesn't want to fund it and she already has enough activities that she is doing.
  • Why does Op need to disclose here, Doc says no more than two activities.
  • Ops already answered not at the expense of Brownies, swimming in non-negociable.
  • That I'd agree with. But really I wouldn't trust him not to wait until she's hooked and the cost start ramping up for him to say, sorry can't afford it any more. Leaving the Op to pick up the bill.
    • RaRaRabbit · 03/10/2021 21:52

    He won't pay for an activity HE wants her to do, but will pay to take you to court🤨

    100% reply "I guess I'll see you in court over Brownies".

    bigbaggyeyes · 04/10/2021 06:36

    The other issue with dance or gymnastics is that it comes with either shows or competitions. You don't 'have' to do them, but I'm sure a child would want to take part. Especially if she's been learning a specific dance etc.

    This means weekends travelling around, increased practice and time spent doing the activity. If your child has a medical issue which means she can only do two activities once a week, she won't be able to do the increased sessions when needed.

    If your exdh wants her to do these because his sister was good at them, I'm guessing she did them more than once a week, to be good takes time and lots of practice.

    I have two girls who when we're the same age as your dc, both did gymnastics and dance. It took over my life (and theirs) for a number of years. It really isn't a case of once a week.

    Whereas Brownies usually is only once a week.

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