Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH wants to stop DDs activity in favour of one of his choosing. AIBU?

303 replies

ActivitiesDDLoves · 01/10/2021 09:14

DD does swimming lessons and Brownies. Brownies is in the week, swimming the weekend.

ExH has DD for court ordered contact EOW for 1 night, he picks her up from me and then on the Sunday drops her at the pool where I’m waiting.

He’s happy with swimming lessons, but wants her to stop Brownies in favour of Dance or Gymnastics.

For medical reasons DD can only do 2 activities a week, she’s 7 so I think 2 activities is perfect, still time to chill out after school 4 times a week but still time to develop a love for it.

She loves Brownies, sings the songs to her toys when not there, shows off her badges to anyone who’ll listen (she did Rainbows as well so has quite a few on a camp blanket) and is very excited for her very first sleepover in a few weeks. She’s made loads of friends there she wouldn’t have otherwise met.

I pay for everything to do with her 2 activities, from the actual lesson/subs to the equipment (uniform, swimming costume etc.).

ExH has told me he wants DD to stop Brownies and he will take me to court if I don’t. He wants me instead to take her to dance or gymnastics. I’ve said if he pays I will but he doesn’t want to pay for it, he wants me to.

It’s a tricky one because at 7 DD gets some say, but if asked she’d want to do dance and/or gymnastics but I doubt she’d give up Brownies to do it.

I’ve emailed my solicitor to see what she says but does anyone know if AIBU to say no unless he pays for it?

His reasons are his sister was a talented gymnast and dancer. None of his family did scouting or guiding (neither did I until Guides) so it’s a bit unknown to him.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 01/10/2021 11:10

If she has a medical condition that makes her exhausted how on earth could she possibly render the level if commitment and practice that Dance/gymnastics require. Particularly when shows are thrown in.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 01/10/2021 11:10

This is meant kindly OP and I can see from your posts that you are trying to do the best for your DC but.....you really need to stop listening to 90% of what he says.

I have no idea why he's an ex but this sounds like he is getting a kick out of how much you listen to him and do as he suggests.

The subject matter he is picking indicates this. No normal dad is going to give a tinkers rap about stuff like this as long as his nipper is happy and healthy.

To me it looks like he is looking for your achilles heel and then trying to lift a scab?

Beautiful3 · 01/10/2021 11:11

If he wants to dictate her activities then he should pay for it. He cannot tell you to take her to gymnastics (which is expensive). Its a bit like telling you, you have to buy her branded food?! I would ignore him. If he takes her to an activity on the day he has her, then that's fine. I'm sure she'll cope with brownies too because it's not exerting.

Cattitudes · 01/10/2021 11:11

He doesn't have weekday contact at all, he was offered it in court but didn't take it.

There is his solution then. Make her available say on a Wednesday and Thursday night if he wishes to arrange anything, a court will see that as eminently reasonable, he will do nothing and life will continue on.

milcal · 01/10/2021 11:13

Ignore him. It's up to your daughter what she wants to do.

Being a brownie and then guide is great for a future CV as well as the social side etc

Beautiful3 · 01/10/2021 11:13

My daughter did gymnastics, its gruelling and tough. They have to do conditioning work e.g. push ups, sit ups etc. She would be sore from it the next day. I don't know if gymnastics would be any good for your daughter?

TartanJumper · 01/10/2021 11:14

Ignore him.
Your daughter enjoys brownies, end of discussion.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/10/2021 11:14

@Cattitudes

He doesn't have weekday contact at all, he was offered it in court but didn't take it.

There is his solution then. Make her available say on a Wednesday and Thursday night if he wishes to arrange anything, a court will see that as eminently reasonable, he will do nothing and life will continue on.

The court would do nothing anyway, lets be honest. They're not going to order the OP to drop an activity the child already does for something that her dad wants her to do, it just wouldn't happen.
LittleOwl153 · 01/10/2021 11:14

As a parent of a child who also has medical restrictions with regard to tiredness and thinking her issues must be quite significant to get those restrictions on activities.

Therefore standard dance /gymnastics will be hard on her anyway - much more energetic than Brownies or even swimming where the body is supported by the water.

If you need to respond other than see you in court over Brownies Grin then I would opt for "I'm happy for you to enrol her in a dance/gym class on a Sunday IF you get her consultants permission for the additional activity, organise the enrolment and pay the fees and take her every other week. Otherwise DD will stick to her current schedule which appears to work for her.

Clearly it is a control issue. Pathetic father clearly not prepared to recognise his daughters difficulties. He is going to be a nightmare as she gets older!

Tulips15 · 01/10/2021 11:15

@Rachie1973

Lol say ‘ok. Take me to court over Brownies’. Then stop fretting about it
And dont take her out of Brownies!
Peace43 · 01/10/2021 11:16

Ha ha ha, he can take you to court over that if he wants to. Would cost him a fortune and the judge would laugh. Just ignore him!

RosiePosieDozy · 01/10/2021 11:16

I would ignore him. He sees her one night a week. I don't think he should dictate what clubs she goes to.

I would send him a text saying something like 'DD is enjoying Brownies and she's going to continue going'. And then I wouldn't respond to any more messages about it.

TwinsandTrifle · 01/10/2021 11:18

He doesn't have weekday contact at all, he was offered it in court but didn't take it. He literally has her for his 26 nights a year and that's it.

That changes things. If he was wanting to do gymnastics on the one night he has her, you'd said no, and the rest of the time is unwillingly out of his hands, then I'd think perhaps it was unfair that he had no input on her hobbies.

However, he's been offered the opportunity to have her in the week when he could do exactly this. And he declined.

Not your problem to parent how he dictates when he declined the opportunity to do it himself.

Dixiechickonhols · 01/10/2021 11:18

Ignore him. Seriously if he goes to court he will look like an idiot. Girl guiding is seen to be so beneficial to girls. I’m a leader. I know of a dad taking a mum to court to try and prevent girl going on a guide trip abroad and he failed cost thousands. Same Dad tried to say Mum a bad parent for letting her go on another guide day trip. Girl guiding activities are risk assessed the judge of course agreed it was in the girls best interests to go.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/10/2021 11:18

So let him 'take you to court' (as if!).

You are far, far to in thrall to this man, his wishes and whims. You need to toughen up, fast. (Chances of it having been an abusive relationship and you having grown up without decent role models? Very high).

ExH has told me he wants DD to stop Brownies and he will take me to court if I don’t. He wants me instead to take her to dance or gymnastics. I’ve said if he pays I will but he doesn’t want to pay for it, he wants me to.

WHY did you tell him you'd do it? Why? This isn't even about money, it's about your dd's wishes and your parental autonomy.

Would you honestly throw your dd's Brownies enjoyment and friendships under the bus, to pander to your ex's mad whims? It would be really shit of you to do that.

Yesitsbess · 01/10/2021 11:19

This sounds a lot less about the activity than him deciding how you spend maintenance (which he very probably views as his money).

Judges do not take kindly to this sort of nonsense.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/10/2021 11:20

I skimmed a bit so apologies if this has already been mentioned but...
has he investigated the dance/gymnastic classes he wants her to do... or is he leaving that to you. You may find that there are waiting lists anyway. And it will probably cost a lot more than Brownies. If he doesn't know and hasn't done his research, let him go to all the trouble and do that before there's any more discussion. The threat of court is just nasty over something so trivial.
I know someone whose DD did gymnastics and its not just one class a week, they start doing competitions and these can be expensive in terms of transport and support.
Also if she's happy and making friends at Brownies, then that is something that won't feel stressful or tiring for her. There's no guarantee that these other classes will be as welcoming, nearby or suitable in reality.
Plus making you pay for it and sort out all the equipment, clothing etc????

MiddlesexGirl · 01/10/2021 11:24

Re. swimming - many children make very slow progress up until the age of about 7/8 when they get a bit stronger. I sometimes think of all the hours spent poolside with my younger DC when I could have probably saved myself the trouble and just started them at age 8.
However, if your DD enjoys it then there's no reason to stop.

MatildaTheCat · 01/10/2021 11:26

His reasons are his sister was a talented gymnast and dancer.

Nobody ever reached a high level of either discipline with one lesson a week. Ignore.

WoodchipNightmares · 01/10/2021 11:26

"See you in court, I'm sure the judge will enjoy laughing you out of there"

Dixiechickonhols · 01/10/2021 11:28

Dancing and gymnastics can be very gruelling so may not be suitable for a child with medical needs. It’s never one class a week either it expands.
An alternative might be a dance or gymnastics club in holidays if your daughter fancied it. DD’s dance school run a lovely 9-3 holiday club at a reasonable price no prior experience needed. It had a theme each week. They do all types of dancing, dressing up and craft activities and put a little show on on a Friday. Gymnastics did a similar one. For age 5-11. He could pay for it!

Doomscrolling · 01/10/2021 11:39

Wow, I can see why he’s an ex! What a plonker.

He can blather on about gymnastics until the cows come home; you don’t have to listen. Your daughter will have so many valuable experiences and friendships through Guiding. It’s been such a wonderful part of my DCs’ childhoods.

Dixiechickonhols · 01/10/2021 11:45

If he is daft enough to go to solicitor do speak to leader they will be supportive and can refer to higher in organisation and provide documents to assist you.

NothingIsWrong · 01/10/2021 11:51

I have two daughters, one dances and the other does gymnastics. Both have no additional medical needs and are wiped out afterwards. It also expands, my 14yo DD now dances around 10 hours a week. She loves it, but it's very hard work. 8yo does 90min once a week of gym and she's always dozing on the sofa for a cuddle by 7pm.

endofagain · 01/10/2021 11:51

If it is documented in her medical records that her medical condition dictates her level and choice of activities, it would be sensible to get a written copy of this.
Dance and gymnastics are very strenuous and psychologically tough too. You very quickly end up doing 4 sessions a week and travelling miles and miles for competitions.
For a little girl who has a medical condition, swimming and brownies sounds perfect.
Don't offer him anything around paying/taking her to gymnastics/dance.
Just remind him that her health limits what she can do and that he can apply to court.

Swipe left for the next trending thread