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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH wants to stop DDs activity in favour of one of his choosing. AIBU?

303 replies

ActivitiesDDLoves · 01/10/2021 09:14

DD does swimming lessons and Brownies. Brownies is in the week, swimming the weekend.

ExH has DD for court ordered contact EOW for 1 night, he picks her up from me and then on the Sunday drops her at the pool where I’m waiting.

He’s happy with swimming lessons, but wants her to stop Brownies in favour of Dance or Gymnastics.

For medical reasons DD can only do 2 activities a week, she’s 7 so I think 2 activities is perfect, still time to chill out after school 4 times a week but still time to develop a love for it.

She loves Brownies, sings the songs to her toys when not there, shows off her badges to anyone who’ll listen (she did Rainbows as well so has quite a few on a camp blanket) and is very excited for her very first sleepover in a few weeks. She’s made loads of friends there she wouldn’t have otherwise met.

I pay for everything to do with her 2 activities, from the actual lesson/subs to the equipment (uniform, swimming costume etc.).

ExH has told me he wants DD to stop Brownies and he will take me to court if I don’t. He wants me instead to take her to dance or gymnastics. I’ve said if he pays I will but he doesn’t want to pay for it, he wants me to.

It’s a tricky one because at 7 DD gets some say, but if asked she’d want to do dance and/or gymnastics but I doubt she’d give up Brownies to do it.

I’ve emailed my solicitor to see what she says but does anyone know if AIBU to say no unless he pays for it?

His reasons are his sister was a talented gymnast and dancer. None of his family did scouting or guiding (neither did I until Guides) so it’s a bit unknown to him.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 01/10/2021 09:38

ExH has told me he wants DD to stop Brownies and he will take me to court if I don’t. He wants me instead to take her to dance or gymnastics. I’ve said if he pays I will but he doesn’t want to pay for it, he wants me to

This has nothing to do with him giving a flying fuck about his daughter and everything to do with asserting his control over you.

His reasons are his sister was a talented gymnast and dancer. None of his family did scouting or guiding

What a load of nonsense. His sister's hobbies or abilities are entirely irrelevant to your child.

ClawedButler · 01/10/2021 09:38

He's dick-swinging because he doesn't like having full control over everything. It's not about whether it's gymnastics, chess or tai kwon do, it's about you and DD marching to his drum.

If he wants to pay a solicitor to apply for a court order to force a wee girl to give up Brownies and force his ExW to pay for another activity of his choosing, let him. Silly man.

knittingaddict · 01/10/2021 09:39

@Rachie1973

Lol say ‘ok. Take me to court over Brownies’. Then stop fretting about it
This. My daughter's ex threatens court every now and again over the most petty things. She just ignores it, it never goes to court and, if it did, it would be treated with the hilarity it deserves.

These men just like to control their ex partners in any way they can. It will not go to court.

purpleme12 · 01/10/2021 09:39

Don't even bother thinking about this
He said he won't pay so he's not got a hope has he

BelleOfTheProvince · 01/10/2021 09:40

I didn't say there were not any safeguarding issues in gymnastics.
I was just pointing out that if he was concerned about their lack of safeguarding policies I would understand a bit more.

I don't know enough about gymnastics to know how robust their safeguarding is. But I do know Guides actively work against safeguarding measures. It's written in their policy and several leaders have resigned over it.

Original poster
ActivitiesDDLoves · 01/10/2021 09:42

@Crayfishforyou

Tell him to fuck off whether he pays or not. She likes brownies, that should be enough. It would be mean to stop her doing something she likes. Can you not wait until she doesn’t need/want swimming lessons anymore and then sign her up to something else? She could potentially be the greatest dancer/gymnast in the world genetically, but if she isn’t that bothered about it, it won’t happen. So bollocks to his family.
Happily wait until she doesn't need swimming but she's still only stage 1 due to the lockdowns so it might be awhile.

She would love to do Dance or Gymnastics, she's asked to do it, but when I explained that she can only do 2 things and swimming has to be one of them she never asked again so I assume she doesn't want to give up Brownies.

OP posts:
Chucklecheeks01 · 01/10/2021 09:43

@BelleOfTheProvince not the thread. Your introducing issues that this mum does not need to factor in to her decision to tell her ex to sod off.

Chucklecheeks01 · 01/10/2021 09:43

You're*

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 01/10/2021 09:46

Tell him to do one. She likes brownies. She has friends there. If he loves gymnastics so much he can join himself. Tosser.

SharpLily · 01/10/2021 09:47

I don't think there's a court in the world that would back him up on this one and I can't believe he's got the cheeck to demand it while refusing to pay for it! I'd struggle not to laugh at him during this conversation.

Sally872 · 01/10/2021 09:48

Yanbu. I would say you probably couldn't stop him taking her to something in his time but as he won't pay for it that is very unlikely even if he does decide to do that the chances of finding something suitable that lands on his day are unlikely. He can't dictate what you do.

SharpLily · 01/10/2021 09:48

Cheeeck? I don't know what that is. Sorry, cheek.

crazyguineapiglady · 01/10/2021 09:48

He can pay for and take her to any activity he wants in his time, and you can pay for and take her to any activity you want in your time.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/10/2021 09:49

"If you want to engage a solicitor regarding brownies then feel free to do so."

What an absolute bell end he sounds!

Original poster
ActivitiesDDLoves · 01/10/2021 09:49

@Chucklecheeks01

You're giving him more control that you need too, I've learnt the hard way that 'No' is a complete sentence and nothing more is needed.

Say no once then refuse to engage on the subject again. It needs no further discussion.

If you continue to engage he knows he can do this every time and it will never stop.

I absolutely don't think I have 100% say in everything to do with DD thats why I said if he paid for it she could go, I know he won't pay for it, he thinks his maintenance pays for everything for it forgetting I have a decently paid job that covers over 90% of what DD needs.
OP posts:
BelleOfTheProvince · 01/10/2021 09:49

No, but as a parent I would want to know.

Op has already had numerous people tell her to say fo. It's not exactly new information.

Itsanothernamechange · 01/10/2021 09:49

I'd be very surprised if a judge would even sit for a hearing on this. Put it out of your mind and carry on as usual.

LannieDuck · 01/10/2021 09:52

Until he organises it, pays for it and take her on his time, he doesn't get a say.

Kuachui · 01/10/2021 09:53

The fact he thinks he Can take you to court over this and get somewhere says something about how smart he is.

Is he usually a little dim?

Just keep taking her, tell him if he wants to take you to court and embarrass himself then do it.

Kuachui · 01/10/2021 09:54

But also I think your being a bit mean to DD here....
So you'd make her go if he paid for it? It should be up to her and only her.

If she wants to stick to brownies then so be it.

And if he wants her changing activities then he should be offering to pay for it or pay the extra it'll cost.

edwinbear · 01/10/2021 09:56

As the parent of a squad gymnast, it's not one I'd encourage if I had my time again. If he wants a 'talented' gymnast, she's firstly a bit old to start (I know that's ridiculous but it is the reality), DD started at 2 and got her squad place at 7. By 7, if he's aiming for talent, she would need to be in a squad already. By 9, DD was training 10 hours a week at a cost of £150 a month and being encouraged to give up her other activities to focus on gymnastics. DD is good, but not exceptionally so and there is certainly no future in it for her.

Gymnastics has been great for DD in terms of her strength, flexibility and fitness, but I wish we'd stayed at recreational level. It sounds like your ex very much wants to go down the competitive route, which is a totally different thing. I'll bet he won't be doing his share of travelling to competitions, mid-week training, all day training in the school holidays etc - which is very much the reality for 'talented' gymnasts.

Staryflight445 · 01/10/2021 09:58

I agree with @Kuachui

I’m actually a bit shocked you have told him you would if he pays for it.

Youseethethingis · 01/10/2021 10:00

If nothing else, the sternly worded letter from his solicitor about Brownies is bound to be hilarious - you could frame it and hang it in the loo Smile

Original poster
ActivitiesDDLoves · 01/10/2021 10:01

@Youseethethingis

If nothing else, the sternly worded letter from his solicitor about Brownies is bound to be hilarious - you could frame it and hang it in the loo Smile
Love it Grin
OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 01/10/2021 10:02

What everyone else says, you say ok I’ll wait on the the court papers.
And you’ve asked your dd, gotten her opinion and you have your own relevant opinion too. Don’t make it about what she wants just say this is what’s happening. You don’t want him thinking the way to go is to browbeat her into saying what he wants, she’s 7 and easier now for it to be your decision, it stops her being a campaign piece.